Having a free day for once in my life, I decided to shut myself off in my room and play Roller Coaster Tycoon. After spending nearly the entire day building a theme park and rides, I eventually come out of my room to eat, and my roommate gives me a very awkward look.
Roommate: “Earlier, I had to peek into your room to see what you were doing because I kept hearing what sounded like a little kid screaming!”
I like to make puppets as a hobby, and I’m discussing my latest project with a friend on the phone.
Me: “So, the next puppet I’m planning is going to be a jackalope.”
Friend: “A what? What the h*** is a jackalope?”
He proceeds to look it up.
Friend: “What the…? Who comes up with this s***?”
Me: “A taxidermist with a sense of humor?”
I am going through new employee orientation at a big box retail store:
Trainer: “If a customer ever walks up to and says, ‘I’m looking for a fire extinguisher,’ you might think the smart thing is to ask them what kind, but no, your first question is always, and I mean ALWAYS, ‘how urgently?'”
In the era before cell phones, my college had one system for getting a message out fast: an incredibly loud PA system with all the audio fidelity of two cans and a piece of string.
Lab Manager: “We’re going to have a surprise emergency drill tomorrow.”
Grad Student #1: “That’s not much of a surprise, is it?”
Lab Manager: “Well, no, but they told the lab staff so we could make sure we didn’t have anything too dangerous or expensive going on. So tomorrow, we’re going to work on [completely safe project] instead of [less safe project]. And they’re going to set the fire alarms off, and then we’ll get evacuation instructions over the PA.”
The next day, all of us grad students are working on our safety project, nervously staring up at the fire alarms. Sure enough, right before noon…
Fire Alarms: “WHOOP WHOOP!”
Me: “Okay, so do we run?”
Grad Student #1: “No, I think [Manager] said we wait for instructions over the PA. I guess they’re going to tell us where to go.”
We wait for about thirty seconds, which feels VERY long while the alarm is going off. Finally…
PA: “Gabo! Thazzy nog roll! Gumow! Sizno jull!”
Grad Student #2: “Well, I certainly feel like we’re in safe hands.”
Me: “I guess I’ll just go downstairs and tell whoever is trying to use the PA we can’t understand him.”
I jog downstairs. Undergrads are rushing around with a lot more care than they usually give a drill. I chalk it up to this being a surprise until I get to the ground floor, and…
Campus Staff: *Screaming into PA.* “Get out! This is not a drill! Get out! This is not a drill!”
I have never run up three flights of stairs so fast. The next day, we all had a meeting and quickly decided that the default option was ‘if in doubt, get out.’
This is a multi-day saga of conversations between one particularly frustrating user and the IT department. The user’s spelling choices have been respected throughout this story.
Day #1:
Submitted Ticket: “Computer isn’t owrking. It was yeterday and not today.”
IT: “Please let me know which computer and what the issue is. [Instructions for finding the serial and usual fixes].”
Day #2: – Nothing.
Day #3:
User Response: “It was this one. But its working again, thanks”
IT: *Closes ticket.*
Day #4-5: – Weekend, no messages.
Day #6:
Submitted Ticket: “Hi, its me again. The computer is networking again today. Please do the sam thing you did last time, it helped THANKS”
IT: “Please let me know which computer and what the issue is.” *Provides instructions for finding the serial and usual fixes.*
User Response: “I cant find the cereal but its the one we all use thats on the desk in [office] where you come in from the elevator and turn left and walk by two doors and then go through the blu edoor and if you look for [name]’s office its afross from that. Its the only one that can talk to [database] so its shared but sometimes its not working a”
IT: “Please find the serial number. If you cannot find the serial number, please send us a close up picture of the bottom of the computer.”
Day #7:
User Response: “I looked again and it doesnt have a serial number and [name] says sometimes they don’t have them but heres the picture. ITS still not working today”
Attached to the ticket is a close-up photo of a laptop keyboard with the ‘N’ and ‘M’ keys missing. My supervisor stops by my desk that day.
Supervisor: “Honestly, at this point, we should just go find the computer.”
Me: “Okay, I’ll head over there this afternoon.”
Supervisor: “I’ll do it tomorrow. I wanna see who’s behind this.”
I write back to the user.
IT Response: “A technician will be on site tomorrow morning to assess the issues.”
User Response: *Immediate.* “THANKS but we might have a nother way to do it, I think [name] can also get tot he data we we need.”
Day #8:
Supervisor: *Via text.* “I followed the directions from the ticket, and there’s an empty desk here, but no laptop. There’s a power cable from where a laptop should be. Also, there’s no one in this office.”
IT Response: “The technician was unable to locate the computer or anyone nearby. Can you please let us know where to find the computer or a convenient time we can come by to ask some questions?”
User Response: “Dont worry we disposed of it. But no one uses that offie any more.”
Day #9:
Ticket From Janitorial: “I found an entire laptop in the trash. It’s missing some keys but I know we’re not supposed to just throw them away like that.”
Attachment: photo of a laptop, missing ‘N’ and ‘M’ keys.
Supervisor: “That’s it, I’m escalating this to the CIO. And if she can’t explain it, I’m getting an exorcist.”
Many days later:
Me: “Hey, did you ever talk to the CIO?”
Supervisor: “Yeah, she said ‘Oh Jesus, not again’ and immediately left the room.”
