The Real Superheroes

, , , , , , | | Hopeless | July 17, 2019

(I am cashiering at my store on an early Friday morning, the line is ridiculously long, and I only have one other cashier beside me. There isn’t another manager currently in the store besides the stockroom manager; I rarely bother him because I know there is a lot going on it the stockroom. I end up checking out a customer with a small child, and the interaction with him makes my early day completely worth it.) 

Me: “Hi, how are y’all today?” 

(The mother lets her young boy answer.) 

Child: “We are great! My favorite superhero is Spider-Man!” 

Me: “Really?! That’s my favorite too! I would love to shoot webs and swing through the city!” 

(As I continue to ring up their items, he continues to talk to me.) 

Child: “I also like Captain America and Iron Man!” 

Me: “They are awesome! I love Captain America’s shield! And Iron Man’s armor!” 

Child: “I want to be a superhero when I grow up!” 

Me: “You already are, kid; don’t ever forget that.” 

(His mom started tearing up and told me her husband had recently passed and he had always said the same thing to their child. She ended up hugging me and the little boy followed her and hugged me, too. I now see them every couple of weeks and try to keep superhero stickers on me to give to the little boy.)

Please Tell Me This Is A Knock-Knock Joke

, , , , , | | Right | July 15, 2019

(The company I work for was recently contracted to provide security for an apartment building in a low-income area. The managing company has had a real problem with trespassers and illicit activities. Visitors must come to the desk and tell the guard on duty who they wish to visit. The guard then calls the tenant for permission to let the guest past the lobby. No answer? No entry.)

Me: *after getting the visitor’s name* “Who are you here to see?”

Visitor: “[Tenant].”

(I look up the tenant’s phone number and call. The phone rings. And rings. And rings.)

Me: “[Tenant] isn’t available.”

Visitor: “Can I go up and knock?”

Booze On A Budget

, , , , , , , | | Healthy | July 9, 2019

(I recently accompanied my mother to a doctor’s appointment.)

Doctor: “Okay, now, since I’m giving you [medication], no alcohol while you’re taking it.”

Mother: “Question. By ‘no alcohol,’ do you mean ‘no alcohol at all,’ or is it okay to just have one or two drinks with dinner?”

Doctor: “Well, one drink will feel like four.”

Mother: *without missing a beat* “So, I’m just saving money?”

Me: “MAHM! STAHP!”

How To Showcase A Total D**k

, , , , , , | | Healthy | June 12, 2019

(I am a nurse. I am invited by one of my former boyfriends to go to a movie with him and his current girlfriend. Since I have no current boyfriend, he says that I can bring a friend with me. I ask a former classmate from nursing school along. The classmate is black. After we are picked up, the former boyfriend starts making bigoted jokes. After each one, he will look at my classmate in the mirror and say, “Oh, no offense.” After about three of these, the classmate turns to me.)

Classmate: “[My Name], we had an interesting case last week.”

Me: *who knows a straight line when I hear one* “Oh, really? What happened?”

Classmate: “Well, we had a new patient on the hall, and as the charge nurse, I was the one checking him in. The whole time, though, he kept making remarks.”

Me: “What kind of remarks?”

Classmate: “Oh, you know. Sexual remarks.”

Me: “So, what happened after that?”

Classmate: “Well, you know at my hospital, nurses are required to insert Foley catheters. So, I was getting him ready for it, and he started making his remarks again. I proceeded with the intubation, though. But I’m afraid I made a mistake.”

Me: “What kind of mistake?”

Classmate: “I forgot to use any jelly.”

(There was an audible hiss from the driver, and the classmate looked up at him in the mirror.)

Classmate: “Oh, no offense!”

Unfiltered Story #154491

, , , | | Unfiltered | June 10, 2019

One time, before I knew her, a girlfriend, who was living in a house with 4 or 5 others, came home to find some screws on the porch in front of the door. She also had a dog that liked to play a game with mailman. He would bark, race up the hallway, then sit down and slide up to the door.

The best they could figure was that a burglar was very quietly trying to enter, but was scared off when he was made the subject of the mailman game by her Rottweiler.

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