The Consequences Of Freedom

, , , , | Related | September 14, 2017

(My nine-year-old son hates to take a bath and will try every argument to get out of it.)

Son: “Don’t I have any FREEDOM these days?!”

Me: “Sure. You have the freedom to do what I say or suffer the consequences.”

Son: *groans, but goes to get clean*

A Bad Case Of Viral Hypochondria

, , , , , | Related | September 12, 2017

(I tend to be a bit dramatic, to the point of it being a joke, when I am sick. My sister is out of town, and I have been battling an awful cold for nearly a week when this happens.)

Sister: “Hey. I’ll pay you to watch [Son] on Saturday. [Husband] has to work, and I won’t be back until late. I don’t think it’s occurred to him yet that [Son] can’t go to work with him. If you’re interested. If you’re not, it’s okay. We’ll figure something out. Just thought I’d see with you first.”

Me: “I would recommend finding someone else, since I’m currently dying of incurable plague.”

Sister: “Ugh. Can’t you just supervise him from your deathbed?”

Me: “So that he can catch the death-plague? I’m trying to limit exposure to others. I wouldn’t inflict this on someone I don’t like.”

Sister: “That’s true. I don’t want any of us to get your death plague. Also, actual plague is making an actual comeback IN THE UNITED STATES!”

Me: “Actual plague would be an improvement; it’s bacterial, so a few cc’s of penicillin to the rump takes care of that. I’m viral.”

Sister: “Bleh. Also that’s the weirdest thing I’ve ever heard.”

(This was after I sent her a picture of cough medicine, calling it “my sweet nectar of life.”)

An Inconvenient Pun

, , , , | Working | September 1, 2017

(The manager and I are standing behind concessions. It’s a weekday afternoon during the school year, so things are slow, and we’re standing there in an awkward silence.)

Me: “If former Vice-President Gore were to release an album of him playing the drums, he would have to call it ‘Al Gore Rhythms.’”

Manager: “Um… wow… Why don’t you go clean… something?”

A New Babe From The Mouth Of A Babe

, , , , | Learning | August 22, 2017

(I am an assistant in a kindergarten class. A student randomly puts her hand on my stomach.)

Student: “Is there a baby in there?”

Me: “No.”

Student: “Why not?”

Me: “I didn’t call the stork to deliver it yet.”

(However, I inadvertently lied to her. Four weeks later, I was told by my doctor that I was six weeks pregnant. I later laughed about how the student had called my pregnancy at two weeks to my lead teacher who said that she hoped the student didn’t do that to her or she’d head straight for the doctor.)

This Is Complete Bull

, , , , | Right | August 14, 2017

Customer: “Hey, I’m looking for a cow costume.”

Me: “Yes, sir, I actually have several cows. I’ll bring one right out.”

Customer: “You have several? Good, I actually want two: a male and a female.”

Me: “Okay, sir, I’ll be right back with both.”

(A short time later.)

Me: “Here is the cow, and this is one of our bulls. I actually have him in three colors: black, white, or brown. Do you have a preference?”

Customer: “A bull? That’s your male cow?”

Me: “Uh, yes. A bull is a male cow.”

Customer: *skeptically* “I don’t know about that.” *leaves without getting anything*

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