That’s How The Generational Cookie Crumbles

, , , , | Friendly | April 15, 2018

(My dad and his friend often meet up for a week-long convention near our town. They are in their 50s and 60s — as are 90% of the club members — and have been attending this particular convention for almost 30 years. It’s worth noting that most of these people have watched me grow up. This year, I visit the hotel, and inevitably, I sit through the, “How old are you, now? I remember when you were knee-high to a grasshopper! We’re getting older, huh?” conversation, yet again. But honestly, this one is my favorite:)

Dad’s Friend: *digging through his cooler* “Well, Miss [My Name], I guess we’re just getting old now. Here you are, all grown up and having a baby of your own. Years ago, your dad and I would be sitting down with a rum and coke at about this time. Now I’m sitting down with cookies and milk!”

Quentin Tarantino’s Muppet Fiction

, , , , , , | Right | March 21, 2018

(After working in a theater for so long, I’ve grown accustomed to parents dragging their kids along to movies that would be considered inappropriate, but unless it’s rated NC-17 or has no rating at all, the most we can do is warn them. Every now and then, I’m thrown for a loop.)

Customer: “Excuse me. I was wondering if you could tell me why The Muppets has a PG rating.”

Me: “Well, ma’am, I saw the movie myself, and the only reason I can think of is that there’s some mildly crude humor.”

Customer: “I have some of my friend’s kids with me. Are you sure it’s okay for them to watch?”

Me: *surprised* “Um… Yes?”

The Customer Is Always White

, , , , , | Working | March 8, 2018

(I just got promoted and am given a radio on the same channel as all the managers. I get a call on the radio from the head manager of my department. One of my associates — who is black — is wearing his company windbreaker, but his hood is on. I am told to tell him to take it off. I didn’t know it wasn’t allowed, but I do it, anyway. Later on, I see another associate — who is white — wearing a hood, and I tell her to take it off.)

White Associate: “It’s not against the rules.”

Me: “[Manager] made [Black Associate] take off his hood, so maybe he’s just in a bad mood. Just take it off for now.”

(I am approached by a supervisor a few moments later.)

Supervisor: “[White Associate] told me you told her to take off her hood. Why’d you do that? As long as it is a company windbreaker, it’s okay.”

Me: “Well, yeah. [Manager] told me to tell [Black Associate] that earlier, so I didn’t want to get yelled at again.”

Supervisor: *rolling her eyes* “Oh, [Manager] only did that because some racist customer found him having his hood on was ‘threatening and scary.’ We don’t actually have a rule on it. [Black Associate] could’ve put his hood back on after the customer left.

Me: “No one told me that.”

Supervisor: “Well, did you expect [Manager] to say all that over the radio where anyone could hear?”

(The supervisor walked away and I was left standing there in shock, wondering whether humanity existed anymore in this “customer is always right” world.)

Not Everyone’s Cup Of C

, , , , , | Right | January 11, 2018

(I’m working at a very well known lingerie store when a man walks up to me.)

Customer: “Hello, I am looking for a bra for my wife, since it is our anniversary.”

Me: “I’d be happy to help! Do you know her bra size?”

Customer: “Um, no, I don’t.”

Me: “Well, do you at least know either the band size or the cup size?”

Customer: “Eh, no, I don’t.” *uses his hands to gesture grabbing his boobs* “I mean, they’re big, but not that big.”

Me: “That sounds like a C-cup. Right this way.”

Purebred Ignorance

, , , , , , , | Friendly | January 8, 2018

(I’m in the car with my ex and his new girlfriend. We are in our 20s, and although she is nice, she sometimes seems kind of… airheaded.)

New Girlfriend: “…so, my grandparents had two Dalmatians and they had puppies. But one of them was a black lab. Have you ever heard of that? A purebred black lab from two Dalmatians?!”

Me: *trying not to laugh, while keeping a straight face towards the road* “Yeah, I’ve never heard of that. A purebred.”

Ex: *in backseat face-palming*

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