A Dark Encounter

, , , , , | Right | October 8, 2018

(I work as an usher, and every now and then someone will buy movie tickets for their friend or significant other, who hasn’t shown up yet. The conversation usually ends up like this.)

Customer: “Would it be okay if I left you a ticket for my wife? I want to go in and find a seat.”

Me: “Sure. That’s no problem.”

Customer: “Okay, I’m going to give her a call and let her know you have it.” *on the phone* “Hey, yeah, I’m at the theater right now, and the usher has your ticket, so just go up to him and he’ll let you through. Oh… Um… He’s tall… Has a beard… Glasses… Um… Uh…”

Me: “It’s okay. You can say it. It’s a description.”

Customer: *sighs in relief* “He’s black.”

Waterdude, Friends With Rodent Guy And Okay Fella

, , , , , , | Romantic | October 5, 2018

(A few years ago, my husband managed to be in the right place at the right time, and he was cast as an extra in a movie. It was a negligible role, but he ended up meeting the star actor, a well-known heartthrob, famous for playing a certain underwater superhero. They look similar, most noticeably tall with long hair. However, my husband is fairly thin, and this actor is very muscular with a large frame. They both share a scar through the same eyebrow, a trait that they seemed to bond over when they met. It’s also worth noting that my husband and I have recently been looking for a new work truck.)

Me: “I read online that The Rock got his stunt double a new truck.”

Husband: “Really?”

Me: “Yeah. You’ve got a rapport with a famous actor. Maybe you should rekindle your old flame.”

Husband: *scoffs* “Yeah, sure. He’s Aquaman. I’m more like… Waterdude.”

Get Out Of There! Abort! Abort!

, , , , , , | Healthy | September 29, 2018

My mother told me about an experience one of her coworkers had.

The coworker had diabetes before she got pregnant. Her doctor considered her case high-risk, and sent her to another office in the city for some blood work. She had a referral, and all of the necessary info was sent to the office so that these blood tests could be performed. It was supposed to be an in-and-out procedure.

When she got there, the main doctor of this practice was quite curt with her, almost rude. At first she just chalked it up to him being in a bad mood, or needing to learn better bedside manners. Then, he told her, “You know, people like you shouldn’t be getting pregnant.”

She immediately asked what he meant by that. He went on to explain that people with certain health conditions, such as her diabetes, should not be reproducing. She responded that she was there for blood work, and then she was leaving; if he had any personal concerns, she wasn’t interested in hearing them.

The doctor waved her off and told her that she needed to sign some paperwork. She asked what paperwork, as her regular office should have sent her information over. He wouldn’t answer her and just kept pushing the papers at her, telling her to sign. Finally, she took the paperwork and started reading it.

The doctor was trying to force her into signing off for an abortion.

She immediately called her regular doctor and told him what was going on. Her doctor told her to drop everything, and get out of there. Just get up, and walk out, right now. She did.

Her regular doctor apologized profusely and told her he had no idea what the other doctor was up to. He told her he was going to report the practice, and asked if she wanted to lodge a complaint. She did.

The next day, the other doctor’s practice was shut down, and he lost his license. Apparently he had been doing this to other women, and he was taking it upon himself to decide who was — or was not — “worthy” to reproduce or get pregnant.

The Customer Is The One Getting A Wrist Slap

, , , , , | Right | September 10, 2018

(I work at a discount retail store. We have a jewelry counter that has frequent visitors who ring the service bell. At this particular time I’m suppose to leave to head to class but since the checkout line is twenty customers deep I decide to help the customer in jewelry.)

Customer: “It’s about time you showed up!”

Me: “I apologize; I’m suppose to be leaving but wanted to help you instead so you didn’t have to wait so long for someone else.”

Customer: “I want to see these seven bracelets over here!”

(Our policy states we can show customers two pieces of jewelry at a time, but I end up showing her all seven just to speed up the process.)

Customer: “Okay I want these four, and not the other three!”

Me: “No problem!”

(I slide the four she wants to purchase on my wrist, not to confuse them while I put the other three back. I have to walk the jewelry to the cash registers so along with her other few items it is easier this way. I am confronted with a strong grunt from the customer.)

Customer: “Can you please take the bracelets I am purchasing off your wrist!”

Me: “Sorry, ma’am, I just didn’t want to mistakenly put them back in the case.”

Customer: “No, I’m sorry, it’s fine, but do you think if I tell the manager you disrespected me I can get 10% off my purchase since I missed Senior Discount day yesterday?”

Me: “I’ll let the manager know you have decided to slander my customer service for your own gain.”

(And that’s exactly what I did. I told the manager, and they were furious. I left and honestly don’t know what happened but I’d imagine it wasn’t good.)

A Spider, A Turtle, And A Possum Go On An Adventure

, , , , , , | Related | September 2, 2018

(While in high school, I date a guy whose mother is an animal fanatic. She is… a character, to say the least. I’m in the car, in the backseat with my boyfriend. His mother is driving, and his brother is in the passenger seat. Suddenly, his mother starts swerving across the road and suddenly pulls over. She jumps out of the car and runs to the edge of the road, searching for something. When she turns around, she has her hands carefully cupped in front of her, a huge grin across her face. My boyfriend leans forward, quickly shuts the driver’s door and hits the lock button. She comes running back, and opens her hands to reveal a HUGE spider. My boyfriend’s brother starts screaming. My boyfriend slightly cracks the window and tells her he will unlock the car when she lets the spider go. She tries to argue with him, insisting that she wants to take “this beautiful girl” home and keep her. After going back and forth for almost ten minutes, she puts the spider down, and my boyfriend unlocks the car and lets her back in. As she gets back on the road, a conversation begins:)

Mother: “I just don’t get why you don’t like spiders, [Boyfriend].”

Brother: *shrill* “MOM! I’m not touching that thing!”

Boyfriend: “I just don’t. Plus, you’re driving, and would have no way to hold it or contain it. And none of us are going to hold it!”

Brother: *collecting himself* “Well, Mom, at least it wasn’t another possum.”

Mother: “Ooh! [My Name], did you hear about that? Did [Boyfriend] tell you?”

Me: “No. Did you find more babies?”

(It’s common knowledge that when she comes across a road-kill possum, she always stops to look for surviving babies.)

Mother: “Well, no. I looked, but I didn’t find any. But possums are marsupials, meaning they have a pouch that they carry babies in. The opening is kind of a muscle, so it’s hard to open it to check on a dead possum. So, I found one of [Boyfriend]’s utility knives in the car, and I had to slice her open. I put my hand in to feel for any babies, but couldn’t find anything. I decided to double-check, and you’ll never believe it! IT WAS A BOY! Not to mention, I couldn’t find any rags or towels in the car, so I had to drive home all covered in blood!” *laughs*

Boyfriend: *quietly to me* “I told her to keep the knife.”

(A few weeks later, she is giving us a ride to school. On the side of the road is a very large turtle, trying to cross. His mother pulls over.)

Mother: “[Boyfriend]! Get out and help me!”

Boyfriend: “Mom, that’s not a box turtle. It looks a bit dangerous.”

Mother: “It’s fine! Don’t worry about it! It’s a snapping turtle. Just grab the car mat to carry it!”

(This turtle is easily the size of the car tire. They go back and forth for a few minutes, arguing. Finally, he relents.)

Boyfriend: “Fine! But only because I don’t want you getting bitten!”

(He grabs the mat, and carefully tries to place it on the turtle’s back, behind its head. It turns its head and grabs the corner of the mat, ripping through both the upholstery AND the thick rubber on the bottom. After it drops the mat, he tries again. Once he manages to get a hold of the shell behind the turtle’s head, he quickly carries it across the road, and runs back. Once in the car:)

Mother: “WOW! What a beauty!” *laughing gleefully*

Boyfriend: “Whatever, Mom. We’re going to be late.”

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