Not Everyone’s Cup Of C

, , , , , | Right | January 11, 2018

(I’m working at a very well known lingerie store when a man walks up to me.)

Customer: “Hello, I am looking for a bra for my wife, since it is our anniversary.”

Me: “I’d be happy to help! Do you know her bra size?”

Customer: “Um, no, I don’t.”

Me: “Well, do you at least know either the band size or the cup size?”

Customer: “Eh, no, I don’t.” *uses his hands to gesture grabbing his boobs* “I mean, they’re big, but not that big.”

Me: “That sounds like a C-cup. Right this way.”

Purebred Ignorance

, , , , , , , | Friendly | January 8, 2018

(I’m in the car with my ex and his new girlfriend. We are in our 20s, and although she is nice, she sometimes seems kind of… airheaded.)

New Girlfriend: “…so, my grandparents had two Dalmatians and they had puppies. But one of them was a black lab. Have you ever heard of that? A purebred black lab from two Dalmatians?!”

Me: *trying not to laugh, while keeping a straight face towards the road* “Yeah, I’ve never heard of that. A purebred.”

Ex: *in backseat face-palming*

One Pregnancy Brain Free With Purchase

, , , , , , | Right | December 21, 2017

I’m working seasonally at a department store around Christmas. One day I’m in textiles and a pregnant lady comes up to me asking to help her with some pillows. We go to the pillows and she picks out 8-10 that she wants. She won’t carry a single one because she’s pregnant — her words. So I have to make two or three trips back up to the register. I ring her up and she leaves.

The next day I’m working in the kitchen department. She comes up to the register with a big box (heavier than pillows!) and says, “You again?” The box is a free gift with purchase. It even says so on the side of the box. It’s a set of three sauté pans that you get when you buy a larger set of cookware. I immediately tell her this is a free gift with purchase and point out the words on the box. She tells me she wants her money back anyway. The box is all faded and has huge grease spots all over it.

This store has customer return label stickers that act as a receipt. They get scanned and put on anything you buy. I scan the label because she doesn’t have a receipt and see that she “bought” (acquired?) the set last Christmas season, and it’s showing she’ll get zero dollars back for returning it because it’s a FREE GIFT WITH PURCHASE.

I show her the computer screen and she refuses to leave this store without some money for her used pans. She walks me over to the same cookware set and gift with purchase and shows me. Ok. You still didn’t pay anything for it. She insists she paid for it. I ring up one of the new boxes to show her it won’t even let you ring it up without ringing the bigger cookware set first.

I finally flag down a manager after what seemed like hours and ran away to tidy up another part of the department until she left, so I don’t know if she ever got any money for the pans she didn’t pay for and used for a year!

This Lime Cannot Go Unpunished

, , , , , , | Related | November 27, 2017

(The following takes place via text.)

Me: “I just got attacked by a bag of key limes. Can I bring a key lime pie to Thanksgiving?”

Sister: “Sure! We love pie! You still bringing squash casserole?”

Me: “Yep. But I also need to show these key limes who’s boss, by slaughtering some of them in retaliation for this unprovoked attack.”

Sister: “Right on!”

Hello Happy!

, , , , , , | Related | November 13, 2017

(My mom is a children’s librarian and is in charge of creating read-along programs for the kids. As she has partial hearing loss, she is not a big music fan, save for her kids’ songs she learns for her programs. I am visiting her at work one day when I see a picture book by Pharrell Williams with the words to his song “Happy.”)

Me: “Hey, Mom, did you see this? I know you’ve heard the song somewhere along the way. That’d be kind of cool for one of your programs!”

(I flip through the book, kind of humming the tune, while my mom tries to place it. She also flips through the book, mulling the idea over.)

Mom: “I don’t know who Pharrell Williams is. Is he popular in today’s music? Would the kids recognize the song?”

Me: *laughing* “I definitely think the kids would recognize the song. And yes, he is pretty popular, or at least some of his songs are. About as well-known as Adele.”

Mom: *blank stare* “Adele? Who’s he?”

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