Playing A Game Of Political Chairs

, , , , , | Romantic | October 13, 2018

(Australia’s frequent changing of Prime Ministers has become a running joke both there and in New Zealand, and they’ve just got a new one again. I’m getting ready for bed when I knock a stuffed koala off a shelf.)

Me: “Meh, I’ll just replace it. Isn’t that what the Australians do, just replace things?”

Girlfriend: “I’m going to get this for a whole month, aren’t I?”

Me: “Month? By the time that’s over, they will have gotten a new one again.”

The Kind Of Price That Will Give You The Blues

, , , | Friendly | October 12, 2018

(My manager is about to head home on a Friday afternoon and asks a passing question just before heading out the door.)

Manager: “Would any of you buy an electric bike for $2,000?”

Me: “I just bought a bicycle for a tenth of that.”

Colleague: “Yeah, but does it have Bluetooth?”

Me: “It does when my phone’s mounted to it.”

Stuck In A Babbling Cycle

, , , , , | Legal | September 25, 2018

(I have just driven through a yellow light; hand in the air, I pushed it a little bit. Turns out there is a cop checkpoint around the corner, and I am rightfully pulled to the side. I apologise to the officer and give him my license. This is the first time I have ever had any encounter with the law at all, so I am a little nervous, anyway. The cop also seems to be taking a very long time to run my details, which is only increasing my anxiety. Finally, he returns.)

Cop: “So… you have been flagged in our system for questioning over the theft of a bike.”

Me: *blinking* “What… A bike?”

Cop: “Yes. Do you have anything you would like to admit to me at this point?”

Me: *starting to freak out a little* “Yes! I mean, no! No, I have nothing to admit. But how did I steal a bike? I don’t have a motorcycle license, sir! I mean, I keep asking my dad if I can learn, because he has one and it looks fun, but then my mother keeps yelling at me every time I bring it up because my dad fell off one at my age. I think that freaks her out and she thinks I’m going to do the same. She works with doctors, so she gets all the horror stories. She promised I could for my 18th birthday, but then she claimed she didn’t remember it when my 18th birthday came…” *continues babbling for ages out of anxiety*

Cop: “No. It was a stolen mountain bike.”

(The cop got another officer to come meet with me at a later date to confirm my story. Turns out, an old classmate of mine used my name to resell an expensive stolen mountain bike at a local pawn shop. The cop was pretty convinced it hadn’t been me when they explained it was a Polynesian girl with black hair and dark skin, which was quite different than my light brown hair and pasty English complexion. I got a warning for running the yellow light. I have had no further run-ins with the law.)

This One Is A No-Brainer

, , , | Right | August 22, 2018

(I’ve just graduated and have been accepted for a new job with my degree. I’m just completing the last few weeks of my job as a supervisor at a cinema complex. This customer has been screaming at me at the desk for me the last five minutes, over the fact that I will not let his thirteen-year-old into a rated R16 movie, and that we dared to ask for the kid’s ID.)

Me: “Sir, it’s a legal restriction. We cannot allow anyone under the age of 16 into this film, and to be certain we meet that obligation, we have to check anyone who looks under 25 for ID.”

Customer: “Well, he plays video games that are R18 and R16 all the time! I’m his father, and I say he’s allowed to!”

(I just want to yell at him that he’s breaking the law by doing that, anyway.)

Me: “It doesn’t work that way. We are legally obligated to check.”

(I provide him with paperwork from our online website stating our terms and conditions regarding this. It’s even highlighted… in bright yellow)

Me: “See? Here are our conditions—”

Customer: *not reading it* “I said I’m his father, and I allow him. What right do you have over that?”

Me: “The New Zealand law?”

Customer: *going on a rant I don’t really take notice of* “…by some stupid dropout at a cinema.”

(I remind him of the law and obligations, and agree to fetch the manager for him.)

Me: “…also, not a dropout. I’m a college graduate about to work with rehabilitation of traumatic brain injury. I’ll just go get my manager for you, sir!”

(For the record, my new clients with severe brain injuries have better sense than this guy did.)

Like Stealing A Baby From A Trolley

, , , , , , | Right | August 14, 2018

I was in the supermarket yesterday and saw something so crazy that if I hadn’t seen it with my own eyes, I would never have believed that someone would be that horrible!

I was waiting in line to pay for my shopping when I saw an older lady following an employee, berating him, as there were no shopping trolleys nearby. It was obviously his job was to collect them from the car park — it was raining really hard so I guess he was waiting a few minutes — and she was actually pulling on his uniform shirt to try and get his undivided attention.

She stopped shouting all of a sudden, turned around, and found a shopping trolley behind her. It was not quite empty — it had a newborn baby in a capsule in the main compartment of the trolley — but the mother’s back was turned. She took the baby out of the trolley, dumped the capsule in the middle of the aisle, and then took the shopping trolley off with her.

I was standing there gobsmacked, but so stunned it took a minute to realise what had actually happened. The mother had turned around to get something and was talking with another employee. She turned back and just about freaked out when she couldn’t place her hand on her trolley! By this time, there were now three employees chasing the older woman down the aisle — including a huge security officer — and she was screaming, “No! It’s mine! I found it!”

The mother calmed down a bit, picked her baby up out of the capsule, and stood there like a deer in the headlights. Honestly… Was it that important to have a trolley that she had to oust a tiny baby out of it?

The kicker was that after being escorted out of the store by the security officer, the lady was carrying only a loaf of bread. Did she really need a trolley for a loaf of bread?! The hardest thing I found to comprehend was that another woman had taken out the baby with no thought for the baby itself, leaving it in the main thoroughfare where anyone could have hit the capsule, and she honestly didn’t think she’d done anything wrong!

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