I have ADHD, so I frequently find myself begging the world to do the impossible. My strategy is to just be as nice and thoughtful as I can figure. 

It was a couple of weeks into the university semester, but I was not allowed to enroll in classes. I was a re-entry student, and I’m old enough that I actually suffered through chicken pox. When I initially went to school, I just checked a box that I’d had the virus and wrote that it was in 1997.

It is assumed that students these days have gotten the chicken pox vaccine, and it is required. I can’t get the vaccine because I’ve had the illness, and I had to get a blood test to prove it.

I needed an appointment, and normally, it would take days or weeks, so when I set off to the school clinic with no appointment, my friends were shocked at my hubris and sure that I would have grave disappointment. But I just figured I could give it my best magic.

There was a grumpy lady at a desk. I looked at her body language a bit and noticed that she had a cool hat. Then, I approached carefully and tried to smile just big enough without looking unhinged while doing a cautious wave and a little nod-bow. People like her are treated terribly by students, and I didn’t want to remind her of someone she didn’t want to help.

Me: “Um, so I know my lack of planning doesn’t mean your emergency…”

She actually smiled at that and clearly warmed up to me.

Me: “It’s okay if you can’t help me, but I have a sort of funny situation, and I thought that if by some miracle you can, great, and if you can’t help, then we can laugh together.”

I also complimented her hat. She did think what I said was sort of funny — or she thought I was funny, due to being a weirdo.

In any case, the whole interaction took less than five minutes. She created a lab work order and texted her coworker to make sure I would get seen that day. Somehow, I was the first person they saw after their lunch.

People are so nice to me when I blatantly point out that I’m being ridiculous and they don’t need to bother with me. I also frequently have the expected bad consequences from avoidance and procrastination, but I’m always so touched and amazed when people decide to save me from myself.

This story reminded me of when I worked for a convenience store for three years back in the early 1980s. Convenience stores are not known for taking care of their employees, and in fact, we once had a situation with our air conditioner as was described by the author of the story I mentioned.

One morning, I was stocking those refillable soda bottles, and one of them exploded in my face.

I called my mother, told her what had happened, and asked her to come to where I was working and take me to the hospital.

Mother: “Oh, no! I don’t have a car!”

Me: “If you can get a ride out here, you can drive my car.”

Less than fifteen minutes later, she was there, dropped off by her friend’s husband. Knowing my mother, if her friend hadn’t had a car, she’d have been knocking on neighborhood doors until she got a ride.

I ended up with a lacerated cornea, and the company paid for all my medical appointments and gave me paid sick leave.

Related:
Whoever Decided That Probably Has A Nice Cool Office…

I’m a manager in a pharmacy. Sometime in 2021, half of our store floor is turned into a temporary vaccination facility. We explain this to some of our retail customers who ask why a wall of curtains is blocking their access to what used to be departments they would use. Most are fine with it — emphasis on “most”.

Customer: “You should all be ashamed of normalizing vaccines! You just don’t know what’s in them!”

Me: “Actually, we know exactly what’s in them.”

Customer: “You only know what they want you to know! They cause autism!”

Me: “That is simply not true.” *Looks around conspiratorially and leans in closer* “What if the vaccines caused cancer, though?”

Customer: *Also leaning in* “Why? What have you heard?”

Me: “Oh, nothing. Just wondering, don’t you buy cigarettes every time you come here?”

Yes, I know, it’s stupid that a pharmacy sells cigarettes, but hey! Corporate America!

Customer: “That’s different!”

Me: “You’re right! Over 150,000 people die of lung cancer in the US every year. I think maybe three or four people have died from vaccine complications in the US? After 300 million doses. So, yeah… very different.”

Customer: “You’re just a sheep who does what he’s told! Look at the real evidence!”

Me: “I’m a sheep that didn’t get sick while working in a pharmacy during a global health crisis. That’s plenty of evidence right there. So, one pack or two today?”

The customer glared at me but still bought her daily pack of cigarettes.

Related:
You Can’t Vaccinate Against Stupid, Part 3
You Can’t Vaccinate Against Stupid, Part 2
You Can’t Vaccinate Against Stupid

Customer: “I’d like the Italian sub, but could you burn it?”

Me: “You mean extra toasted?”

Customer: “No, burn it. Like, make it black on the ends.”

Me: “I suppose we could, but it wouldn’t really be good for the sandwich, or for you.”

Customer: “I heard that you can burn away the calories! This way, I maintain my calorie deficit.”

Me: “I really don’t think—”

Customer: “Oh, and add extra cheese! If this thing is going to have zero calories, I might as well go wild!”

I was diagnosed with a hearing disorder when I was a child. This hearing disorder makes it difficult for me to understand conversations, and it’s getting to the point where I’m considering a hearing aid.

A client wanted a phone conference. My policy is to use video conferences — body language and lip reading are possible, at least, plus Skype allows texting during the call — or instant messaging/email. That way, I understand exactly what my clients want, and both of us can send screenshots, examples, etc.

Client: “I can’t video message. Let’s call.”

Me: “I explained to you earlier that that would be hard for me. Would you prefer emailing?”

Client: “Calling.”

Me: “Why wouldn’t email work?”

Client: “No.”

Me: “I hope you understand that it would be difficult for me to understand you.”

Client: “Work it out.”