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Weeding Out The Bad Customers, Part 2

, , , , , , | Right | January 18, 2023

A few years after smoking in taxis in Denmark became illegal, I picked up a young woman aged about eighteen. She told me where she was going, and I set off.

Passenger: “Is it okay if I smoke?”

Me: “No. I’m sorry, but it’s been illegal for a few years by now.”

Passenger: “What if I roll down the window?”

Me: “No. It’s still illegal and it does leave a stench afterward.”

Passenger: “What if I smoke weed, then? When you smoke weed, there’s no smell afterward.”

Me: *In disbelief* “Sorry, but no. It is still illegal.”

Her claim that the smell of weed doesn’t linger was weird. Also, I got to her destination in less than ten minutes.

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Weeding Out The Bad Customers

Insert A Cheesy “Just Desserts” Joke Here

, , , , , | Working | January 3, 2023

I’m Norwegian, and I went on a class trip to Denmark while in university. We stayed at a fairly fancy hotel with a very nice restaurant — the kind of restaurant where a meal is several courses. Luckily for the wallets of my class, both food and lodging were covered by the school. Our class was small — about ten people — and I was the only one with any food allergies.

The restaurant was by reservation only and had two options per course every night: the standard dish and the special diet dish, which was made for everyone who had special dietary needs that night. That meant that if someone dining that night was vegan, I’d get a vegan meal; if someone was allergic to eggs, my food would be egg-free; and so on. It was certainly an interesting experience, and I got to try a lot of things I wouldn’t have chosen on my own.

But over the week, my meals became somewhat of a source of amusement for my class, as they were considered strange compared to the standard meal. The servers would always present our courses, and I would be asked to repeat mine to my curious and often chuckling classmates. Being the one eating those meals, the jokes got old after the first couple of days.

And then came the dessert of our final dinner of the trip. I don’t remember the other courses, but I was very surprised to get the same cheese platter as everyone else. I waited until the waiter had presented the array of cheeses before I spoke up.

Me: “Unfortunately, I’m allergic to milk, so I can’t eat this.”

I could tell by the waiter’s reaction that they’d most likely forgotten about my allergy. He asked me to not start eating quite yet and then disappears into the kitchen. He returned a minute later and picked up my (untouched) cheese platter.

Waiter: “I am so sorry, we had completely forgotten about your allergy. The kitchen is whipping up something for you, but it will be a few minutes.”

Me: “That’s no problem at all. I’m happy to wait.”

A few minutes later, the waiter brought out a new plate. After putting it down, he explained that this was homemade sorbet with a spun sugar decoration, fresh fruit, and milk-free dark chocolate sauce. Judging by the expressions of some of my classmates, their cheese platters were suddenly a bit less appetising. But don’t worry, I had multiple chances to inform anyone who asked that my milk-free dessert was absolutely delicious!

Your Coworker Also Seems To Need Three Coffees

, , , , | Working | January 2, 2023

I’m sitting on the floor in the back room sorting stock while listening to a coworker serving a customer.

Customer: “I want two cups of black coffee and one with milk.”

Coworker: “So, a cup of black coffee and a black coffee with milk?”

Customer: “No. I want two cups of black coffee, and one with milk.”

Coworker: “Yes? A black coffee without anything and a black coffee with milk.”

Customer: “I… No. Two cups of black coffee and one with milk.”

I can’t take it anymore, so I stick my head out of the door.

Me: “[Coworker], he wants three cups of coffee in total.”

Customer: “Thank you!”

Get A Scanner, People!

, , , , | Right | December 16, 2022

I work for an online shopping company. If there is something wrong with a delivery or return, we often send a legal statement out that will usually help with getting a refund pulled through faster while an investigation is made.

Most customers are okay with filling it out and sending it back as a picture or scan, while others need help. Some have — for a lack of better words — funny ways to fill out the document.

Some have used MS Paint with crayon-lookalike writing or used all the different colours, fonts, and other decorations available in MS Word.

My coworker, however, got a slightly bigger surprise than most, when this customer’s picture of the document had a very good view of their… private area.

At least they were wearing underwear?

Teens Will Be Teens, Duh

, , , , , , , | Right | December 4, 2022

Back in 2005, I was doing customer service for an online payment service. One day, I got a call from an irate gentleman who wished to report fraudulent transactions on a debit card. Uh-oh.

I’d learned by now that, rather than going through the “Do you have an account with us? Does anybody else in your household?” motions, it was heaps easier to just ask for the full card number and run a search across all accounts. If the card has already been compromised, what damage can it do at this point to tell me the full card number, right?

An account indeed popped up on which the card had been used. However, the name on the account didn’t match that of the caller, so I did some more probing and sniffing, all within rules and regulations. 

Long story short, it was Junior who had gone on a shopping spree. Apparently, for his fifteenth birthday, his parents had given him a Visa debit/credit card with no spending limit. And our service required that all customers be at least eighteen years of age when opening accounts.

Customer: “Well, how do we get his money back?!” 

Me: “Um… we rather… don’t, sir. There’s been no fraud committed because, well, the card owner spent his own money, which was well within his right.”

Christ on a bike, how Daddy Dearest blew a fuse!

Customer: “But that can’t be, because that was money for Junior’s birthday! Why didn’t you stop the transactions, then?!”

Yup. Daddy actually blamed us for not verifying Junior’s age prior to letting him open an account with us and go to town with his card.

It took all of my composure not to burst out laughing. Instead, I diplomatically replied:

Me: “Sir, it’s clearly written in our terms and conditions that account holders must be at least eighteen years of age when signing up for our services. That alone frees us from any responsibility — not that we had any in the first place. Secondly, it was not our company that decided it might be a good idea to give a fifteen-year-old his own debit card with no spending limit. You’re quite welcome to dispute the charges with the card issuer and see if they’re willing to reverse the charges, but, quite frankly, I doubt it, seeing as the card was always in the cardholder’s possession and all charges were made knowingly by said holder. As such, no fraud has occurred, and we are unable to assist you further. Thank you, and goodbye.”

And the amount squandered? Roughly DKK 4,200. Adjusted for inflation and the exchange rate, we’re looking at US$600 or €590 in 2022 money.

Happy birthday, kiddo! I hope you at least got to keep your stuff, whatever you bought.