If This Is The Worst Part Of Your Divorce…

, , , , , | Romantic | April 20, 2019

(My live-in boyfriend of two years is currently married to another woman, and has been so for seven years. She knows about me and vice versa, as we are all polyamorous. After a peaceful but distant period of time, they have decided to divorce, as they no longer have a romantic interest in each other. He tells me about this, obviously feeling down but resigned about the decision, and I offer as much emotional comfort as I’m able to, after which I make a somewhat callous comment.)

Boyfriend: “Now I’m just happy to be back home, so I can just sit on the couch and watch Last Week Tonight.”

(It’s a favourite of his. This is where I suddenly realise something important)

Me: “Oh, no… “

Boyfriend: “What’s wrong?”

Me: *full-on nervous giggling* “You’re either going to laugh or get mad at me.”

Boyfriend: *getting worried* “Okay, what is it?”

Me: “Can we still use your wife’s HBO account?”

(Luckily, he found it hilarious, and at least my total lack of tact led to a full-on belly laugh on an otherwise gloomy day!)

Driving Up The Illegality

, , , , , | Legal | March 29, 2019

This is a story often told by my father and his friend. When they were sixteen, my father’s friend had tuned and put all sorts of extra gear on his moped, most of it illegal. The moped was therefore able to drive way faster than was legal.

One day, my father’s friend was stopped, and the moped in question was taken by the police. Now, my father’s friend was the son of a posh English lady — note that this took place in a small, coastal village in Denmark, where foreigners were not common — and he went home and cried to his mother that the police had taken his moped without any cause. His mother always believed everything he said.

When the night fell, my father’s friend and another of my father’s friends jumped the fence to the police warehouse where the moped was stored. They quickly uninstalled all the illegal stuff, thus making the moped perfectly road-legal once again, and slipped out, unnoticed.

The next morning, my father’s friend and his mother marched down to the police station, where the mother started yelling at the police for taking her poor, innocent son’s moped and demanded that they give it back. When they informed her that it was illegal, she demanded to see it. Then my father’s friend, his mother, and two policemen all marched out to the moped, which was now legal. The police gave back the moped and apologised to the mother. She never did find out that he had broken into the police warehouse to fix it.

Dogs Get Frustrated, Too

, , , | Related | January 31, 2019

(I’ve given my two dogs a ball with some treats in each. Suddenly there’s barking from the next room.)

Mum: “What’s going on?”

Me: “It’s [Dog]’s patented treat-extraction technique: lick and bark. She tries to get the treat out with her tongue and, when that doesn’t work, she barks at it.”

Good Customers Help You Weather The Bad Ones

, , , | Right | January 25, 2019

(I work in an ice cream parlour that is very busy during the few hot days of summer we have. This occurs on a day with 28°C (about 82°F) temperatures, which is very high here. An elderly woman with a child in tow storms up to me after I served her a few minutes ago. On her way, she skips a queue of about twenty people.)

Customer #1: “Look at this! This is absolutely horrible!” *she gestures at her ice cream which is beginning to melt*

Me: “I’m very sorry, but since our ice cream is freshly made, some of it hasn’t quite set yet. There are napkins over there in the corner if you want.”

Customer #1: “No! This is unacceptable! I have just paid money for this and I want you to give me a new one!”

Me: “All right, but then I must suggest you either choose peanut, chocolate, or elderflower, since these have been sitting in the freezer for the longest amount of time.”

(The customer completely ignores me and tells me to get her strawberry. I comply, but inform her again that our ice cream is freshly made and not completely set yet. I give her her ice cream and she leaves, but comes back not five minutes later again skipping ahead of the queue.)

Customer #1: “Make the ice cream stop melting!”

Me: “I’m very sorry, but as I informed you before—“

Customer #1: “I don’t care; just make it not melt!”

(By now the other customers have started giggling and a man speaks up.)

Customer #2: “Hey, lady, the only way she can make your ice cream stop melting is by changing the weather.”

Customer: *looking at me* “See? This man knows how it’s do—“ *she realizes what she is saying, turns bright red, turns on her heels, and storms out with the child*

Casting You In A Bad Way

, , | Healthy | January 15, 2019

(When I was younger, I kept breaking my arms and legs. This takes place during that period. I think that I was about six years old. I break my right leg during gym class and go to the hospital with my parents. I go through the whole process of having doctors look disbelievingly at me, because surely my leg couldn’t be broken from such a minor fall; I have extremely brittle bones. However, the x-rays confirm that my leg is indeed broken and that I will need a cast. Right after the nurse has finished putting my cast on:)

Nurse: “All done. You can go to your own doctor in six weeks to have the cast removed.”

Me: *looking at my mum* “Mum, why is it my other leg that hurts?”

(The nurse had put the cast on the wrong leg! I can’t really blame her though. it was pretty late, and she was probably tired and overworked. I was tired, too. That is probably why I didn’t speak up about it being the wrong leg sooner.)

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