These Are Tense Times… Very Tense

, , , , , , , | Working | July 23, 2021

I’m a security guard in my office with the door closed. As is standard for this sort of job, there are windows all around, so anyone can see in and I can see out. I’ve just had a new employee show up and she is currently waiting in the hallway outside of my office for her supervisor to show up and show her around. We’re both wearing masks, as is required here due to the ongoing health crisis.

Well, I end up sneezing and I sneeze LOUD. I do cover it in my arm and all that, and I go to clean up with sanitizer out of habit. The next thing I know, the new employee has burst through the door into my office and started shrieking at me about how I’m going to give her “the rona”. I’m pretty dumbfounded by this and just sit there and stare at her while she’s basically throwing a tantrum, yelling things like how dare I put her at risk (by sneezing in a closed room well away from her whilst wearing a mask) and how she’s going to get me fired for endangering people. 

Karma happens then, as her supervisor finally shows up shortly after and apparently watches for a bit. Once she has seen enough, the supervisor approaches.

Supervisor: “Excuse me. Are you [Employee]?”

Employee: “Yeah!”

Supervisor: “And today’s your first day?”

Employee: “Uh-huh!”

Supervisor: “Wrong. I’m going to go file the termination paperwork in a little bit. Right now I’m seeing that you’re off the property immediately!

And just like that, she was marched off the grounds. I’m glad that we didn’t have to deal with that particular bit of crazy for long. I can’t imagine how bad things would have been if she had exploded at someone like that on the factory floor.

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Since When Do Hostages Get Paid?

, , , , , | Working | July 5, 2021

In the mid-1980s, the restaurant where my friend worked added a drive-thru. My buddy was known as the store jokester. He’d sometimes answer the drive-thru intercom using a bad foreign accent, etc.

This time, he thought it would be funny to attach a note to a customer’s food.

Note: “HELP! I’M BEING HELD HOSTAGE.”

The customer didn’t get the joke and called the cops.

Amazingly, my buddy didn’t get fired.

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Tell Us Who She Is So We Can Start A GoFundMe

, , , , | Right | July 2, 2021

I work at a small-town library. A certain patron will come in, dart straight to the nonfiction section, and grab the same book each time to bring it up to the front desk.

Patron: “Is there any chance that this book will go on sale?”

Me: “Ma’am, we are a library. If you have a library card with us, you are welcome to check it out, but the book is not for sale.”

Patron: “I don’t have a library card with you guys. I no longer live in the area, but this is the only library that has this book, and I just love this book so much that I was just hoping that if it doesn’t get checked out a lot then maybe it will go to your book sale.”

We have a small book sale all year round where we sell books that have been donated or books that have been withdrawn from our system.

Me: “It is possible that if it hasn’t been checked out in years then we will withdraw it from our system and put it in our book sale, but I can’t guarantee that will happen. That decision is made by our librarians.”

Patron: “Okay. Thank you very much for your time.”

I take the book back and scan it to our system, letting it know that it has been seen recently. I notice that the book hasn’t been checked out in many years but it was seen about a year ago — most likely because I had the same conversation with the same lady a year ago. While putting the book on the cart so it can be reshelved, my coworker, who witnessed the whole thing, comes up to me.

Coworker: “If she keeps on pulling the book out, then it won’t be withdrawn anytime soon. It is telling our system that at least someone is showing an interest in the book whether they check it out or not.”

Me: “Yep. Oh, well, at least she was nice.”

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Not Too Proud For Easy Money

, , , , , | Learning | June 6, 2021

When I was in high school in the late 1970s, it was relatively common for other students to toss change on the floor and wait to laugh at the person who picked it up. I had no problem with that. I’d make a little over a dollar a day for stopping, bending over, and picking up change around six times a day.

It took maybe a total of one minute per day. Minimum wage was $3.15 an hour. So, in a week, I’d earn about two hours of minimum wage take-home income for five minutes of bending over and picking up the money that morons were willing to throw away.

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No Spare Change? K.

, , , , , , | Friendly | May 24, 2021

I am pushing my cart of groceries to my car when a man approaches and asks if I could spare some change.

Me: “I don’t carry cash, but you can have a banana.”

I offer him a banana, which he takes.

Man: “Potassium! I love potassium!”

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