We Knew The Pacific Coast Highway Was A Scam!

, , , , , | Legal | December 2, 2019

(A work friend of mine is hacked on a social networking site, leading me to get a text from someone claiming to be him. I know immediately it isn’t him and I decide to have some fun. This is the exchange verbatim, grammatical errors and all:)

Faux Friend: “Hello How are you doing?”

Me: “I’m good, thanks. How about you?”

Faux Friend: “Good, Well Life Is Treating Me Good And God Has Blessed Me Through (PCH) , I Don’t Know If You Have Heard About Them?”

Me: “Pacific Coast Highway? I used to drive it all the time, back in the day.”

Faux Friend: “I Meant The Cash Donated To Randomly Selected People By The Publishers Clearing House(PCH) to Help and Support People Financially…You’ve Not Gotten Yours?”

Me: “You’re talking about the Illuminati, aren’t you?”

Faux Friend: “OMG. I Got $300,000 Cash From Them! But I Saw Your Name Entitled To The Cash Bonus When Mine Was Delivered To My Doorstep…And I Thought You Would Have Gotten Yours. Am Serious About This And It’s a Life Time Opportunity. Do You Know How To Contact The Claiming Agent To Find More About What Am Actually Talking About?”

Me: “I’ve told you before, I want nothing to do with them! They ruined my math teacher’s life! You should stay away from them! You don’t know what they’ll expect you to do for that money!”

Faux Friend: “This is real and legitimate I was only asked to pay for certificate fee which is $300 And I was delivered in 2 hours.”

Me: “It’s not about some measly $3,000 fee. It’s about what comes next. Have you sworn the oath already?”

Faux Friend: “And also there are a lot of scams am sure that’s why your teacher was scammed But PCH program is real and legitimate, more so I got my money delivered to my Doorstep”

Me: “You think the Illuminati is nothing but a scam? They’re the ones who murdered Vince Vaughn, not Hillary Clinton!”

Faux Friend: “I dont know about the illuminati program but, I will share you the direct PCH manager link so you can claim your winning money asap.. Thank me later you will never regret because asap you got your money you can also tell you Teacher about it…”

Me: “You need to give back that money before it’s too late.”

Faux Friend: “The money is mine [My Name] and not fake I can never pull your leg trust Me apply for it and thank God through me.”

Me: “I KNOW IT’S REAL MONEY!”

Faux Friend: “So you should not doubt me, I will share you now And also the federal government is aware of this and you will see the PCH is 100% real and is not a gimmick.”

Me: “Look, you probably have some time, a grace period. Come over; I’ll call Henry. He can get you someplace safe. Leave the money!”

Faux Friend: “[LINK TO “PCH”]”

Me: Why couldn’t you just have joined the Scientologists, if you needed money so bad?”

Faux Friend: “Text them now that you are ready to claim your winning money.”

Me: “I’ll text saying you want out. Leave the money on the doorstep. And stay away from the windows!”

Faux Friend: “Just text them now and let me know how it goes… I want to hear the good news from you.”

Me: “I can’t. I’m calling your mother.”

(I never heard from him again. BTW, I deliberately changed his $300 to $3,000 because I wanted to keep him around. The thing about Hillary Clinton murdering Vince Vaughn came from I guy I met on a bus in 2009, who assured me he knew many things about her. I was disappointed not to be able to throw him off his game.)

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We Can Relate In Spirit

, , , , | Right | November 22, 2019

(Driving for Uber late one night, I pick up a rider after the bars close.)

Me: “So, how was your evening?”

Rider: “Well, it started out pretty good. Then, it got bad. Then, I poured tequila on it.”

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The Indecent Proposal Before Christmas

, , , , | Romantic | November 22, 2019

(I’m an employee at a popular Halloween and costume store. With Halloween around the corner, it’s getting busier. Lines at the register are long; there’s even a line at our fitting rooms, which I’m helping manage. A younger guy walks up to the side of the counter and asks if I work there. While refraining from gesturing to my bright purple apron with the company’s name on it, I smile and say:)

Me: “Yes! Can I help you with anything?”

Customer: “Yeah, do you have any [Character I don’t know] costumes?”

(I don’t remember seeing that name on any packages in the store. It’s not a large store, but I have missed some things before.)

Me: “I’m not entirely sure. I don’t recognize the name.”

Customer: “Well, she’s a p*rn star.”

(Sexy nurse? Sure. Sexy priest? I can show you. Sexy ninja? Right behind you. P*rn star? Can’t help ya.)

Me: “Sorry, we don’t have any p*rn star costumes. I’m not sure how popular it is, but even so, we don’t have a lot of the classics, either.”

Customer: “Oh, okay. Do you have any sexy costumes? For women?”

Me: “Yes, of course! All of our adult costumes are on this half of the store. Women’s are mixed in, with all the sexy costumes, too.”

Customer: “Okay, great! Do you have any wigs?”

Me: “Yep, we have a whole wall of wigs in the back of the store.”

Customer: “Okay. I don’t really like how my girl looks, so I’m trying to dress her up.”

Me: *trying my best to keep my working smile on and my tone polite* “Okay, yeah, we have a ton of wigs in the back, as well as many other accessories including corsets, leggings, and gloves!”

Customer: “Okay, great! Can I have your number?”

(No leading up to it. Blunt. He literally just said he had a girl, and even bashed her looks. Of course, this is the one day I came into work dressed up.)

Me: “Um, sorry, but I’m kind of working right now. It would be unprofessional of me to give out my number.”

Customer: “Oh, okay. I feel you.”

(He walked away. I didn’t see where he walked to. I got back to working the fitting rooms and never saw him again. I had a good laugh about it later on. Everyone I told agreed that he was a pig. A pig with ramen noodles for hair.)

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No Going Back(Pack) Now

, , , | Right | November 19, 2019

(Since school is starting this week, my store is selling backpacks that customers can buy to donate for local children in need.)

Cashier: “Okay, ma’am! Your total is $15.79. Would you like to purchase a $7 backpack for a local child in need?” 

Customer: “No, thanks. I’ve already adopted a child this year.”

Cashier: “…”

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Checkout Yourself Before You Wreck Yourself

, , , , | Right | November 9, 2019

(It’s 8:30 in the morning on a quiet Monday. Including me and the manager, four people are scheduled to open the front end. One person, however, never shows, so with our eight self-checkouts open and running, we have no regular registers open. A lady comes up to me and hands me her receipt.)

Customer: “Do you see this receipt? Do you see this cart full of items?”

(I look at her cart thinking there is something wrong with her order, but don’t see anything obvious.)

Customer: *rips the receipt out of my hands* “This will be my last trip to [Store]. You have all these registers and only have your self-checkouts open! This is ridiculous! This is not how you run a store; you need to hire more people.”

Me: “We had some call-outs this morning, so we won’t have anyone else come in until nine.”

Customer: “Well, that is just poor managing.”

(With that, she walked off in a huff. The moment her back was turned and she started walking away, I made a face at her and quickly turned away in case she looked back.)

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