The Mother Of All Comebacks

, , , , | Working | January 16, 2018

(I am 24, and I have a coworker who is 37. She had her first child at age 14. She did very well in life, beating a lot of statistics about teen parents. She finished high school and even got Bachelor’s and Master’s degrees. She eventually got married in her twenties to another man and had children with him. But she would be the first to say that teen parenting is not a good life choice, and she is very vocal to teens about smart sex choices. This occurs when we’re talking about family drama.)

Coworker: “Trust me. I’m old enough to be your mother.”

Me: “No, you’re not.”

Coworker: “I have a daughter who is basically your age!”

Me: “And you’re not old enough to be her mother, either.”

Coworker: “Touché.”

Grand Theft Double Standards  

, , , , | Working | January 12, 2018

(My mother and I are out shopping and she wants to pick me up the new game for Christmas to be sweet. I, in turn, have just purchased her a nice bottle of wine, which I am holding in a state bag. We go to [Video Game Store]. A woman and her son, who is around 16, are in line in front of us. The cashier is male and probably 20 years old.)

Son’s Mom: “I want to buy the new [Grand Theft Auto] game for my son.”

Cashier: “Oh, sick, man. It’s rated ‘M’ for nudity and violence, though. Like, you get to go to strip clubs and stuff!”

Son’s Mom: “I didn’t know that.” *to her son* “Did you know that?”

Son: “Yeah, that stuff is kind of part of the franchise.”

Son’s Mom: *shrugs and buys the game*

Cashier: “You’ll definitely enjoy it, man!”

My Mom: “Hi, I would like to buy this game.”

Cashier: “Are you buying it for her? It’s rated ‘M’ and there’s a bit of female nudity and violence. I really can’t recommend it to someone under 17.”

My Mom: “It’s a good thing that she’s never seen female nudity or violence in her 23 years she’s been alive.”

Not Pregnant With Information

, , , , , , | Related | January 10, 2018

(My mother is the oldest of eight children. She is the first to marry and to start having children of her own. Of my mother’s children, I am the eldest. All of my mother’s siblings marry and proceed to have children of their own throughout the course of my life. Every year, someone is announcing a wedding, a pregnancy, or a birth. While I am genuinely happy for my ever-growing extended family, I don’t feel the same amount of joy as my mother does, due to the fact that I never get to see these relatives except for every couple of years, as opposed to my mother who visits everyone once or twice a year. I’m 20 years old and attending college out of state, so my only communication with my parents is a weekly phone call, which is usually brief. I’m home for Christmas break when my mother’s youngest sibling — my youngest aunt — calls. Note: this takes place when social media is in its infancy and most people don’t have a Facebook page.)

Mother: “Hello?” *pause* “Oh, that’s wonderful! I’m really glad everything went well.” *pause* “Don’t worry; I’ll call [various Aunts and Uncles] and let them know, too.” *pause* “You rest and take it easy. Love you. Bye.”

Me: “What’s going on with [Youngest Aunt]?”

Mother: “What do you mean? She just had the baby!”

Me: “Huh… She and the baby are okay, I’m guessing?”

Mother: “Yes, yes, they’re both doing well. What do you mean, ‘huh’? Aren’t you excited?”

Me: “Mom, I didn’t know she was even pregnant.”

Mother: “Of course you did. She announced the pregnancy back in May at [Cousin]’s baptism.”

Me: “I didn’t go to that.”

Mother: “I told you about her baby shower I was going to back in October.”

Me: “You mentioned a baby shower, but you didn’t say who it was for. I assumed it was for one of your friends from church who had a daughter that was pregnant.”

Mother: “She was admitted yesterday morning!”

Me: “And I was on the road yesterday morning, if you remember. I didn’t get here until almost dinnertime.”

Mother: *dumbfounded* “I really didn’t tell you?”

Me: “I wouldn’t be surprised if only you and Dad knew, which is sad since [Youngest Sibling] still lives here.”

Mother: “You could at least be a little more excited!”

(As if on cue, my other two siblings head down the stairs, unaware of our conversation, and my mother shouts to them.)

Mother: “[Youngest Aunt] just had her baby!”

(The two of them look at each other, confused, then look towards me.)

Me: “I told you they didn’t know.” *to my siblings* “Apparently, we have another cousin.”

(For those who are curious, the cousin mentioned in this story was the last one, making twelve cousins, just on my mother’s side of the family.)

Making Grand Plans For You

, , , , , , | Related | January 9, 2018

(I find out I am pregnant. My fiancé is overjoyed because he is told the likelihood of him having children is very slim. We decide to have a small get-together with our immediate family to announce my pregnancy. Naturally, our families are excited and the usual question is asked.)

Husband’s Step-Dad: “So, do you want a boy or a girl?”

Me: “I think it’s a boy, but a girl would be fine.”

Husband: *snorts* “Yeah, ever since she found out she was pregnant, she’s been saying that she just knows it’s a boy.”

Mother-In-Law: *snottily* “Well, I think it’s going to be a girl. I need a granddaughter, because I already have two grandsons.” *pats my fiancé’s youngest nephew’s head*

(The room suddenly falls silent and everyone stares at her a moment before my dad changes the subject by asking if we have any ideas for names yet. Fast forward to my next ultrasound, where the tech asks if I’d like to know the sex. No surprise: it’s a boy. We call our mothers to tell them the news. I hear a shriek from my fiancé’s phone loud enough to drown out my mother and stare in shock as my fiancé holds his phone away from his ear while his mother screeches.)

Mother-In-Law: *obviously outraged* “There’s no way they can tell the sex right now! It’s too early! It’s got to be a girl!”

(My fiancé rolls his eyes and tells her that it’s definitely a boy because he saw the penis on the ultrasound and we had the photo to prove it. Fast forward several months to my baby shower:)

Aunt: “So, how long before you and [Fiancé] have another baby?”

(Before I can answer, my mother-in-law butts in.)

Mother-In-Law: “Oh, as soon as possible, so that I can have a granddaughter.”

(My aunt and a family friend exchange a look while two of my cousins whisper to each other, obviously not sure how to react to my mother-in-law’s rude behavior.)

Me: “Not likely. [Fiancé] and I have discussed it and have decided that we’re only having the one, because I don’t think I could handle the stress of more than one child.”

Aunt: *nods* “I can understand that. You don’t want to have more than you want or can care for, or you’ll resent them.”

Mother-In-Law: “Well, if they space it out so that [Son]’s in school when they have the next one, I think she could handle it.” *to me* “You have to keep having babies until I get a granddaughter.”

(There’s a collective gasp of shock, followed by dirty looks cast at my mother-in-law, then sympathetic looks for me.)

Me: “No, [Mother-In-Law]. I’m not having any more children, and that’s the end of it.”

(Sadly, that was NOT the end of it; my son will be two in a couple of months and this crazy cow STILL keeps trying to tell my now-husband and me that we “need to give [her] a granddaughter.” Little does she know, my husband is getting “the snip” when he comes home from his deployment next year.)

Hope That Wasn’t The Self-Destruct Button

, , , , | Right | January 5, 2018

(I’m hosting a birthday party for nine year olds at the falconry centre where I work. We’ve just finished doing the health and safety talk.)

Me: “Okay, so any questions before we start?”

Child: “Which way does the thingymajiggy go?”

Me: “Umm… clockwise?”

Child: “Cool.” *continues as normal*

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