Put On ALL The Calendars The Date He Moves Out

, , , | Related | January 14, 2020

(We have a relation living with us, mainly because he can’t afford to live on his own. Over the past year, it’s become obvious that he’s a spendthrift and always spends money on stupid gimmicky things that he “just has to have.” He also buys a lot of these things as gifts.)

Relation: *handing me a calendar full of half-naked men with kittens* “l just had to get this for you.”

Me: *cringing because I hate this sort of thing* “Thanks, but you didn’t have to. It’s just that I don’t really like having pics of half-naked men around.”

Relation: “But you like kittens.”

(Christmas comes and he gets everyone a s***-load of gimmicky gifts, which includes a calendar for me; I actually hang this one in the kitchen to use. It’s now ten days after Christmas and he comes home from yet another day of shopping.)

Relation: “I got this for you.” *hands me a calendar with cats on it*

Me: “Uh, thanks, but I think I’ve got more than enough calendars.”

Relation: “Yeah, maybe, but I just had to buy it for you; you like cats.”

(He’s probably spent close to $80 on calendars for me alone. He does the same thing for others, too; no wonder he can’t afford a place of his own. And owning one cat does not mean I am obsessed with them.)

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Their Planning Was A Joke

, , , , , , | Related | January 4, 2020

My family and I were out to dinner at a restaurant we had never tried before but had heard great things about. A big-name comedian was in town, so naturally, all the surrounding restaurants were packed. In making the reservation, I figured we needed to be at the restaurant at least two hours before the show, and even that would be cutting it close. 

My family thought otherwise and made a reservation for only an hour and a half before the show. We had a tough time finding parking, so we were late to the restaurant and had about an hour to get served and eat. 

I knew we hadn’t left much time to eat, so I ordered water and something quick I could sneak in my purse and eat at the show, while my family all ordered cocktails, steaks, and elaborate dishes, thus leaving no time to eat before we had to leave. They complained the entire time we were there from waiting to be seated, to waiting to get our order taken, to waiting for their drinks and meals, etc. 

We were going to be late to the show, so my family just threw a bunch of cash on the table and left, hoping it was enough to cover the meals with probably no tip, and half of my family hadn’t received any food yet, so they were pretty hangry. 

Not too long after the show started, I took out my food I had wrapped in a napkin and offered it to everyone. They were stubborn enough to refuse, so I happily ate dinner while they all grumbled and shot daggers at me throughout the show. Plan better next time, and this is coming from the member of the family who’s always late.

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Fostering A Different Understanding Of How Eyes Work

, , , , , | Related | January 2, 2020

(I’m about twelve. My mom is taking me, my friend, and my friend’s foster sister to a Girl Scout campout. We get there early to ride horses, but the horses are canceled due to the weather, so my mom decides to take us to a store in the nearby town to get a snack.)

Foster Sister: “I can’t be here.”

Mom: “Why not?”

Foster Sister: “I’m not supposed to see any of my relatives, and one of them lives on this street.”

Mom: “Well… if you see them, don’t look.”

Foster Sister: “Okay.”

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Your Christmas Can Become Magical Between Lunch And Dinner  

, , , , , , , , , | Right | December 25, 2019

(Unlike in the States, pretty much everything is closed on Christmas Day in the UK, with the exception of hospitals and hotels. I work in the latter, and we are putting on a special service in the restaurant for the holidays. Many families not staying at the hotel book tables months in advance to avoid cooking on Christmas Day, so we have been sold out since early November. I notice an older woman, looking a bit forlorn and tired, approaching my service stand.)

Older Woman: “I don’t suppose you’re serving Christmas Day lunch, are you?”

Me: “Yes, do you have a reservation, madam?”

Older Woman: “Oh, no. Do I need one?”

Me: “I’m afraid so, madam. We’re fully booked all day.”

Older Woman: “Oh, I see. I’m terribly sorry to be a bother.”

(Normally, I would just smile politely and say goodbye, but there is something about this woman, alone on Christmas Day, that makes me do something different.)

Me: “Excuse me, madam, are you dining alone?”

(She doesn’t say anything, but I can tell by the pained expression on her face that she is. She nods silently.)

Me: “Please excuse me a moment; I will see what we can do.”

(I go and find my manager and explain the situation.)

Me: “She’s dining on her own, and I feel bad about sending her away. We have room at the bar, if she’s willing, and I am sure one more plate isn’t going to stretch the kitchen.”

Manager: “If [Head Chef] and [Bartender] are fine with it, then it’s not a problem with me.”

(I quickly check that it’s okay with the head chef and the chief bartender, and go back to find the woman.)

Me: “Madam, if it’s okay with you, we have space available at our bar area for Christmas Day lunch?”

(She beams a huge warm smile that immediately lets me know that I have made the right decision. I get her seated comfortably and leave her with a menu. Once all our other diners are settled for the service, I check in on her to find her having an animated conversation with the bartender. Upon seeing me, the bartender pulls me aside quickly. She is fighting back tears as she is talking.)

Me: “What’s the matter?”

Bartender: “Oh, my God, that poor woman! I simply mentioned that I really liked her earrings, and then noticed they matched her wedding ring. Her husband would always buy her matching jewelry to go with her wedding ring and it sounded lovely… until she told me that he died in a car accident three months ago, and this is her first Christmas alone!”

Me: “Oh, my goodness! That’s awful!”

Bartender: “It gets worse! All the family came in for the funeral, but because they had to take time off for that, they can’t come and visit for Christmas! She’s all alone for the holidays!”

Me: “I see.”

(I come back to the bar and start talking to the woman, who, after some gentle conversational prodding, tells me the same story told to the bartender. She sounds emotional during the exchange but is able to hold back the tears. She even shows me some photographs of her late husband. It is then that I have an idea.)

Me: “Madam, what are your plans for the rest of Christmas Day?”

Older Woman: “I was just going to go home and watch the telly.”

Me: “I see. Madam, pardon me if this is too forward, but to say thank you for working on Christmas Day, my manager has allowed my family to come in for the dinner service at 6:00 pm today, when my shift is over. I will get to have my Christmas dinner with my family, and I would be honoured if you would join us.”

Older Woman: “Oh, no, I couldn’t possibly be such an imposition! I just wanted to be out of the house for lunch, which you’ve been ever so kind to organise for me, but I wouldn’t dream of being more of a bother than I already have.”

Me: “It would not be a bother, or an imposition, madam. You see, the moment you showed me the photograph of your late husband, I realized that having you join us for a family meal would be appropriate. You see, three months ago, my father attended a funeral for an old friend he used to work with many years ago, who he remembered very fondly, and even gave him a roof over his head in his younger days when he was having a rough time at home. Your husband and my father used to be friends, and I know he would love to see you for dinner tonight.”

(Her eyes narrow as if she is looking at me for the first time. Then, they widen as she says:)

Older Woman: “You’re [Father]’s little girl?”

Me: “The very same, madam.”

(She screamed happily — enough that she made a few nearby diners jump! — and gave me a huge, tearful hug. I took a little break and caught up with her, and then reminded her to be back at 6:00 pm sharp; she was welcome to stay by the bar, too, but she insisted on going home to put on a more festive outfit! She joined us for my family dinner, my father recognized her immediately, and from that moment on she became great friends with most of the family she met at Christmas dinner that day. On the years when she doesn’t spend Christmas Day with her family, she instead spends it with us.)

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So THAT’S How It Is In That Family

, , , , , , , | Related | December 9, 2019

(After Thanksgiving dinner, my family and I always play games together. One year, my mom, my sister, two of my nieces, my daughter, and my brother and I are playing a game where you have to get your teammates to guess a word by giving clues. The category is technology and it is my turn to get my team to guess a word. My word is “Facebook.” I can’t say “social media,” and a few other things. Looking around the group, I figure this will be easy as I have the perfect clue.)

Me: “You use this to reconnect with people you used to know. Everyone at this table has one except [Brother].”

(My sister, who wasn’t even on my team, got all excited and screamed out, “Vagina!” We all burst out laughing and, of course, the timer ran out. My brother turned bright red and my sister was so proud of herself. The best part was that my sister was 50, and one of the nieces playing was her 14-year-old granddaughter who was mortified that her grandma had just yelled that.)


This story is part of our Gorgeous Grandmas roundup!

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