Minimum Wage Warrants Minimum Commitment

, , , , , | Working | October 21, 2019

(I work at a very well-known fast food place for over five years. In 2015, my stepdad has back surgery and ends up going into cardiac arrest from complications. When he goes to the ER, I have no issues with my boss for getting the night off, and I am already off the next day, so that is taken care of. The day after that, I go back to work and grab a few moments to talk to my boss.)

Me: “I’m definitely not planning on calling off this weekend, but—”

Boss: “You can’t call off! We’re definitely going to need you! Prom is tomorrow night.”

Me: “BUT. If he gets worse, I will. My stepdad is more important than my job right now.”

(At that point, my boss’s boss comes into the office.)

Boss’s Boss: “How are you? And your family? If anything happens, just let us know, we can get you covered. Family is more important than being here.”

(My boss just sat there silently. I don’t know if his boss had heard our conversation or was just trying to be reassuring because of what happened, but it was a nice feeling to be told I didn’t have to worry about my job on top of my stepfather’s health.)

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The Family Tree’s Branches Can Get A Bit Twisted

, , , | Related | October 7, 2019

(My nephew is three and is just learning to talk and understand. My dad is playing catch with him.)

Me: “Dad, we’ll be back.”

Dad: “Where’re you going?”

Me: “To the market, Dad.”

Nephew: “Hey! Dis is grampa! Not Dad!”

Me: “He’s my dad and your grampa!”

Nephew: “No! He’s your grampa!”

(Guess we should work on the family tree explaining later. Though, to be fair, I recall thinking my mom’s name was Mom and my sister’s name was Sister as a kid.)

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The Mother Of All A**holes

, , , , , | Working | September 26, 2019

(I’m a cashier. It’s slow, so while we’re cleaning around the front, we’re talking. It’s also Mother’s Day, and while I don’t have a mother, I celebrate it with my grandma, who raised me.)

Coworker #1: “Hey, [My Name], doing anything for today?”

Me: “I’m taking my grandma out to dinner after work.”

Coworker #1: “Oh, nice! What about your mom?”

Me: “Oh, I don’t have one. I just do all the Mother’s Day stuff for my grandma.”

Coworker #1: “What? Everyone has a mother!”

Me: “No, that’s completely false. I don’t have a mother.”

Coworker #1: “Why not?!”

(The reason is VERY personal. Only a few people outside of my family know.)

Me: “It’s none of your business.”

Coworker #1: “You probably did something and she disowned you. It’s because you’re a [lesbian slur], aren’t you?!”

(Another coworker, who’s also a good friend of mine, hears this and comes over.)

Coworker #2: “Okay, no. First of all, [My Name] is gay, but that is neither related to that situation or anything bad. Second, she’s right; you don’t need to know why she doesn’t have a mother. Third, you watch your mouth around here.”

Coworker #1: “Why did [Manager] hire a [lesbian slur]?! You’re just gonna try and get in my pants!”

(My other coworker goes to get the manager. I just look at the cashier.)

Me: “…[Coworker #1], I don’t want in your pants. I have standards.”

(She was suspended for her comments, since a lot of other coworkers complained about her.)

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From The Floor To The Corps

, , , , , | Related | September 24, 2019

(I am holding my two-month-old, and she’s getting to the point where she’s “trying” to stand up… so I help her stand. I served in the Marine Corps.) 

Me:  “Stand up, hook up, shuffle to the door.”

Two-Month-Old: *big, smiling grin*

Wife: *glares at me* “Can we let her be a princess for a bit before she becomes a Marine?”

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The True Joker Origin Story

, , , , , | Related | September 14, 2019

(When I become pregnant with our third child, my husband and I decide to spring for the at-home blood test so we can find out the sex of the baby as soon as possible. Both the blood test and subsequent ultrasound show that we are having a boy. The rest of the pregnancy is spent preparing for our second boy: picking a name, buying cute boy clothes, etc. The day of the birth arrives — I have to have a cesarean — and we are excited and nervous to meet our son. I lay on the operating table, my heart rate accelerating with the anticipation of meeting my new baby. The wail of a newborn fills the air, and I find myself breathless for just a moment. “He’s here,” I think. But then I hear this:)

Doctor: “It’s a healthy baby girl!”

(The best part? She was born on April Fools Day. All I can say is, well played, baby girl. Well played.)

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