Hope That Wasn’t The Self-Destruct Button

, , , , | Right | January 5, 2018

(I’m hosting a birthday party for nine year olds at the falconry centre where I work. We’ve just finished doing the health and safety talk.)

Me: “Okay, so any questions before we start?”

Child: “Which way does the thingymajiggy go?”

Me: “Umm… clockwise?”

Child: “Cool.” *continues as normal*

Will Need Therapy About Your Gene Therapy

, , , | Healthy | January 5, 2018

(For a few years now, several doctors have suspected that I have some form of an autoimmune disease, as I’ve had problems with excessive bleeding and joint pains most of my life. I’ve just been to a specialist, who, based on the limited information I had about my family’s medical history, concluded that the odds of me having a genetic disease are limited. I’m at my GP’s office, with a list from my mother. My mother and I have the same GP, and I’ve been seeing her my whole life.)

GP: “I know you mother has [Condition #1], and you’re saying her sister has it as well?”

Me: “Yes, and another one of her sisters has [Condition #2]. Then I have a cousin with [more severe Condition #1], and another cousin with [more severe Condition #2]. My grandmother had [Condition #3], which her mother died of.”

GP: “Luckily, no one dies from [Condition #3] today. Is your grandmother still alive?”

Me: “No, but she died of old age and stubbornness.”

GP: *chuckling* “Right. And this is all on your mother’s side?”

Me: “Yes.”

GP: *reading through the list again* “Well, I’ll send the information to [Specialist] and we’ll see if that’ll change her diagnosis.” *somewhat jokingly* “Let’s hope you get most of your genes from your father’s side.”

Me: “Really? Because Dad has epilepsy, his sister had breast cancer, they both have diabetes, and Grandpa thinks he’s back in the 1950s.”

Gotta Hand It To The Honest Son

, , , , | Right | January 2, 2018

(I work in a self-serve froyo store where customers can put toppings on their yogurt themselves. Despite the fact that every topping has a spoon in it, many people reach in and grab toppings with their hands. This was the case with a woman and her son. It was the mother that reached in with her hand while she was right in front of me.)

Me: “Ma’am, please use the spoon for the toppings.”

Customer: “I am using the spoon!”

Me: “Ma’am, I just saw you use your hands.”

Customer: “No, I didn’t!”

Customer’s Son: *nodding apologetically* “Yeah, she used her hands.”

Customer: *glares at her son*

When It Isn’t “More The Merrier”

, , , , , , , , | Related | January 1, 2018

(My parents have hosted Christmas Eve for both sides of the family as long as I can remember. Gatherings in my family are informal; a few people sit at tables for comfort or practicality, but many of us occupy couches or the floor around coffee tables. When I was growing up we lived in a large house, but my parents downsized about seven years ago. This year, for the first time since they moved, basically everyone is coming. Nobody is with in-laws, and some of the old “kids table” group have their own children now, so the total expected head count is larger than it’s ever been at their current place. Four generations will be represented. My mom can be rather uptight and is more of the planner than my dad, so I text her and ask if she wants me to bring an extra dessert, knowing we’ll have so many people. A few moments later my phone rings.)

Me: “Hi, Mom!”


Me: “Um… What?”


Me: *laughing* “It’ll be fine! It’s always fine.”

(I can hear my dad yell to her from the background, “Nobody will care! There’s never enough chairs, anyway!”)


Me: “So, should I bring the bundt cake?”

Mom: “Yes, please! You can eat it in the bathroom, too!”

Thirty Minutes In And The Year Is Already Ruined

, , , , , | Right | January 1, 2018

(I work at a trampoline park that gets very busy on the weekends. Often times, we sell out and turn people away. This is out of my control and tickets are sold on a first-come, first-serve basis. Sometimes, though, people decide to just buy tickets for later in the day when we’re not full. Today, we are especially full because it is New Year’s Day.)

Me: “Hi, Welcome to [Amusement Park]. How are you?”

Customer: “Yeah, I need tickets for [time].”

Me: “It looks like we’re actually sold out for that time; however, if you wanted to jump at [time 30 minutes later] I could get you in then.”

Customer: “No! I need to jump at [time]. I’ve been here before and there’s never been a problem!”

Me: “Well, ma’am, we do recommend that you buy tickets ahead of time either in the park or online to reserve your spot.”

Customer: “That’s ridiculous! I have these two boys with me and if they don’t get to jump, their day will be ruined!”

(She gestures to her two sons who are with her.)

Me: “Like I said, they will be able to jump, just not at that specific time. They could jump just thirty minutes later; so they would still be able to jump today.”

Customer: “Well, that’s just great! You’ve ruined these boys’ day. Happy New Year!”

(With this, she stormed off leaving her sons behind. They followed her, but one of them apologized on his way out. She came back ten minutes later and apologized for her behavior and said that she would like to buy the tickets for the later time.)

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