It’s Not Going Swimmingly

, , , , , , | Romantic | November 10, 2017

(My husband and I have just started to try to conceive, instead of just leaving it to luck or chance. After an intimate night, he asks me to position myself so that gravity isn’t working against us. I ask that he at least hand me my phone so that I have some entertainment until I get up.)

Me: “Please, it’s just right there by you. I would have to get up to get it myself.”

Husband: “No. No distractions. I need you to completely focus on telling those swimmers to get you pregnant.”

Me: *sigh* “That’s not how it works.”

Eaten Too Many Buns In The Oven

, , , , , , , , | Related | November 8, 2017

I’m a heavy-set man in my early forties. My sister has twin boys that are around three years old. She is pregnant with her third child, and her sons are excited to know that they’ll get a little brother.

[Sister] has told them all the classic stories: there’s a baby in Mama’s belly that will come out when he’s big enough, Mama’s belly is so big because babies need room to grow, the boys have to be calmer around Mama so the baby isn’t hurt, etc. She has also told them that if they caress her belly, they’re caressing the baby.

I’m visiting with my sister and we’re sitting on the couch with some space between her and me. [Nephew #1] comes to sit in between us and gently caresses [Sister]’s belly. He then sits back a little and looks at me, and with a smile of recognition caresses my belly exactly the same way.

Should Only Be Half-Surprised

, , , , , | Related | November 2, 2017

(I grew up in a fairly small town. I have an older half-brother through my father. He lives in the same town, but I have never met him. I have heard that he drinks at a local pub owned and managed by my friend and his dad. I have just turned 18, which is the legal drinking age here, when I walk past the pub and see [Brother]’s work van parked out the front. He is standing at the bar talking to the manager.)

Me: “Hi, how are you?”

Brother: *a little taken aback* “Umm, hi. Good, thanks. You?”

Me: “Not bad. Can I ask you something?”

Brother: “Ah, okay, I guess.”

Me: “Are you [Brother]?”

Brother: *looking down at his shirt with his first name on the front* “Umm, yep.”

(My friend, the manager, is off the phone now and, due to previous conversations, knows what I’m doing. He is trying not to laugh.)

Me: “Is your mother [Father’s Wife]?”

Brother: “Umm, yes.”

Me: “Your dad’s name is [Father], but you haven’t seen him since you were about three?”

Brother: “Umm, yes. How do you know this?”

Me: “Hi. I’m [My Name], your half-sister.”

([Brother] looked like he was going to fall over, while the manager was now laughing. The manager brought us both a beer on the house. We chatted for a few minutes before he had to go. I don’t push to keep in contact, but a few weeks later my manager friend passed on his number, and we are now in regular contact, and I have another part of my family, even if neither of us are in contact with our father.)

Team Leading The Way To Quitting

, , , , , , | Working | October 25, 2017

(I work at a big national department store. My initial availability is basically “all day, every day.” After having been there for about a year, they start looking to promote me to “team lead” status, but at the same time my mother’s health takes a serious downturn, and the following occurs:)

Assistant Manager: “We were looking to make you a team lead, but I see you just changed your availability until only six?”

Me: “Yeah, unfortunately my mom’s just been through several health scares, and I’m the only one that lives with her.”

Assistant Manager: “Well, if we’re going to give you this promotion, you need to be a bit more flexible. You can’t work closing at all?”

Me: “I can occasionally, if it’s absolutely necessary, but not on any sort of permanent schedule. Why is this such a big deal for being a team lead?”

Assistant Manager: “Well, when you’re a team lead, you need to be available to close one day and open the next day, twice a week. It’s just the regulations. We’d really, really like to give you this opportunity; you’re one of our hardest workers and we think you’d be a great fit.”

Me: “I’d like it, too, but unless you can find someone who’ll voluntarily be a 24/7 live-in nurse for my mom with no compensation, I just can’t do it right now.”

Assistant Manager: “Are you sure? This could be a really big opportunity!”

Me: “As you said, but my mom’s health comes first.”

(This conversation happens about once every two or three months with a couple different assistant managers. They even start sneaking closing shifts outside of my listed availability onto the schedule, despite me repeatedly saying I can only occasionally cover someone as an emergency, so it becomes a weekly ritual of finding someone to switch shifts with. After about a year and a half, my mother passes away, right in the middle of me landing a more standard 9:00 to 6:00, Monday through Friday job. Unfortunately, in order to score the job, I basically have to give in my notice on Thursday that I’m starting the new job on Monday, and end up talking with the very first manager that started the cycle.)

Assistant Manager: “Listen, I’m really disappointed you’re looking to go through with this.”

Me: “I know, but it’s a stable position. It’s about 50 cents less per hour, but it’s more hours and more stable hours without constantly having to shift my schedule around, and honestly, I have more potential for improvement there. I’ve already found people to cover my scheduled shifts here the next two weeks.”

Assistant Manager: “But you’re finally free up to switch to team lead!”

Me: “Really? That’s your take-away from my mother dying? That my schedule’s more free?”

(At least he had the sensibility to look embarrassed about that. I still took the new job, and got several rapidfire raises and promotions, well past what I would have in the department store. Here’s the funny part! About six months later I was shopping in that store, and the assistant manager saw me. He actually asked me if I “came to my senses” and wanted my old job back!)

Give The Stork The Receipt

, , , | Related | October 24, 2017

(When I was three years old, my brother was born. Initially I was pleased to have a baby brother. But at some point he got on my nerves, and I said to my mum:)

Me: “Can you please put him back?!”

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