So THAT’S How It Is In That Family

, , , , , , , | Related | December 9, 2019

(After Thanksgiving dinner, my family and I always play games together. One year, my mom, my sister, two of my nieces, my daughter, and my brother and I are playing a game where you have to get your teammates to guess a word by giving clues. The category is technology and it is my turn to get my team to guess a word. My word is “Facebook.” I can’t say “social media,” and a few other things. Looking around the group, I figure this will be easy as I have the perfect clue.)

Me: “You use this to reconnect with people you used to know. Everyone at this table has one except [Brother].”

(My sister, who wasn’t even on my team, got all excited and screamed out, “Vagina!” We all burst out laughing and, of course, the timer ran out. My brother turned bright red and my sister was so proud of herself. The best part was that my sister was 50, and one of the nieces playing was her 14-year-old granddaughter who was mortified that her grandma had just yelled that.)

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Selling Fast Internet But Slow On The Uptake

, , , , , | Working | November 23, 2019

(We got a new house in a great neighborhood. But one of the few drawbacks is pesky door-to-door salesmen. Usually, we send them away with a polite “no, thanks.” Not on this day. My family and I have just gotten back from the park to celebrate my baby’s first birthday. She is tuckered out and I am trying not to wake her as I get her out of the car. It takes me a while and anyone looking from the street can see I’m unloading a sleeping baby. Right as I close the door and set the diaper bag down, the doorbell rings and the baby wakes up. I’m not a happy mama and I answer the door with my cranky — but still chill — baby in my arms.)

Me: “Yes?” 

Salesmen: “Hi, ma’am. I’m going through the neighborhood talking to people about their Internet service. Are you familiar with fiber optic cable?” 

Me: “Not interested. Thank you.” 

(The salesman steps up onto the stoop, invading my personal space.)

Salesman: “Can I ask why not? All your neighbors are quite interested.”

Me: “How about I’m trying to put my baby down for a nap?! This isn’t a good time.”

Salesman: “But this is a really great deal! I’d hate for you to miss out.” 

(He reaches to touch my baby and I quickly move her out of his reach.)

Me: “Get off my property. Now.” 

(The threatening tone of my voice summoned my husband and mother. I was about to hand the baby off to my mom, but the guy finally got the hint and slunk off, looking at me like I was the jerk.)

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Because You’re Not People Until You’re Eighteen

, , , , , , | Right | November 2, 2019

Like most restaurants, we accept reservations. I overhear in the kitchen that a group — or family — of six wants to make a reservation. Not a problem. Shortly after, the server dealing with the reservation comes into the kitchen and says, “They made a reservation for six, but brought a kid along, making the reservation for seven. They thought it wouldn’t be a problem, and that we could make room for him.”

I just shake my head and laugh, because in what universe does that make sense?

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Minimum Wage Warrants Minimum Commitment

, , , , , | Working | October 21, 2019

(I work at a very well-known fast food place for over five years. In 2015, my stepdad has back surgery and ends up going into cardiac arrest from complications. When he goes to the ER, I have no issues with my boss for getting the night off, and I am already off the next day, so that is taken care of. The day after that, I go back to work and grab a few moments to talk to my boss.)

Me: “I’m definitely not planning on calling off this weekend, but—”

Boss: “You can’t call off! We’re definitely going to need you! Prom is tomorrow night.”

Me: “BUT. If he gets worse, I will. My stepdad is more important than my job right now.”

(At that point, my boss’s boss comes into the office.)

Boss’s Boss: “How are you? And your family? If anything happens, just let us know, we can get you covered. Family is more important than being here.”

(My boss just sat there silently. I don’t know if his boss had heard our conversation or was just trying to be reassuring because of what happened, but it was a nice feeling to be told I didn’t have to worry about my job on top of my stepfather’s health.)

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The Family Tree’s Branches Can Get A Bit Twisted

, , , | Related | October 7, 2019

(My nephew is three and is just learning to talk and understand. My dad is playing catch with him.)

Me: “Dad, we’ll be back.”

Dad: “Where’re you going?”

Me: “To the market, Dad.”

Nephew: “Hey! Dis is grampa! Not Dad!”

Me: “He’s my dad and your grampa!”

Nephew: “No! He’s your grampa!”

(Guess we should work on the family tree explaining later. Though, to be fair, I recall thinking my mom’s name was Mom and my sister’s name was Sister as a kid.)

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