Some Baby-Talk For The Soul

, , , , | Friendly | June 9, 2018

(I borrowed my friend’s camera for a project and now I’m returning it. He and his fiancée have a child together.)

Friend: “Oh, hey, [My Name]. What brings you here?”

Me: “Your camera?”

Friend: “Oh. Oh, yeah. Sorry.”

Me: “You look a little tired.”

Friend: “Whoever came up with the saying, ‘I slept like a baby,’ was an idiot.”

Me: “Trouble in paradise?”

Friend: “She’s my little soul-sucker, and since [Fiancée] is getting her cast removed, I’m alone. Why the hell is he crying now?”

Me: “Did you feed him?”

Friend: “Yes.”

Me: “Burp him?”

Friend: “Yes, and he puked on my back.”

Me: “Did you change his diaper?”

Friend: “No.”

Me: “Want me to help?”

Friend: “Please!”

(I end up changing the baby while he has his morning coffee. It is afternoon.)

Me: “Done.”

Friend: “You’re an angel.”

Me: “An angel with four younger siblings.”

The Force Is Stronger Than Their Hate

, , , , , , , | Related | June 4, 2018

(I love my family to death, but a lot of my relatives are extremely racist and homophobic. This has always upset me because I’ve seen a few cousins’ interracial relationships crack under the pressure from my extended family, and one cousin in particular has confided in me that he is gay, but will never come out to our “close” family. One day we’re on a huge family holiday — we don’t take holidays apart from each other because we’re so close — in Disneyworld and see a lesbian couple in wedding-style Star Wars costumes; they’ve obviously just gotten married.)

Uncle: “I want to go ask them who the husband is.”

Brother: “Definitely the one with the short hair. The other one is prettier.”

Me: *yells across the way* “CONGRATULATIONS! LOVE IS LOVE!”

(The newlyweds smiled, and my family gave me the cold shoulder for a while. Worth it.)

Trash-Talking Your Ex

, , , , , | | Related | May 23, 2018

My parents recently divorced and my mom moved out as a consequence. Both of my parents were pretty down about it and relatively hostile towards each other, which put a lot of strain on me and my siblings.

One day my mom was visiting us children, eating a small snack with us at the table, while my dad was sitting on the sofa a few metres away. I went to the calendar hung on the wall to check for an appointment and realised that my dad had reassigned the row showing my mom’s appointments to instead show when each kind of trash was emptied by the city; however, the top row with her name was written in non-erasable pen.

That seemed like such a typical thing that a divorced couple would do out of spite that I broke down laughing hard, because my dad absolutely didn’t intend it to be malicious; he put it there simply because my mom used to take care of the trash and there was space. Of course my mom came to look at what was so funny and broke down laughing, too.

When my dad walked over, too, she joked about how insulted she was about being used as a trash reminder and he joked back that she deserved it. Consequently, my whole family spent a quarter hour laughing and wheezing on the floor. I think that moment saved our relationship as a family; that day was the first time they had talked with each other in person, not over text or asking us to relay messages. In the following days and weeks they started handling each other with a lot less tension and apologized for putting us between them. I’m very glad for that silly little coincidence.

Married To The Idea That They’re Already Married

, , , , , , , | Related | April 9, 2018

(My fiancé and I have been dating since we were in high school, ten years ago. My extended family is very close-knit, and in the past decade he’s come to at least two or three family events with me every year, including holidays, vacations, etc. We wait to get engaged until I am out of graduate school, and this is what happens when we announce it to my extended family.)

Me: “So… [Fiancé] and I have news. We’re getting married!”

(I expect a bit of a reaction, since my family usually goes all-out for events like weddings. Instead…)

Aunt: “You’re getting married?”

Me: “Uh, yes.”

Cousin #1: “But you guys are already married.”

Cousin #2: “Right, yeah, I was thinking that.”

Me: “No, I’m not.”

Uncle #1: “Yeah, you are, right? I remember sending a gift.”

Me: “You sent us a housewarming gift when we moved in together, but we didn’t get married. There was never a wedding.”

Uncle #2: “But you’ve been together for so long.”

Me: “We wanted to wait until I finished school before we made it official, though. You all really thought we were already married? Why wouldn’t I have invited you to the wedding?”

Cousin #1: “I thought you were just being a b**** about it or something.”

(Yeah, apparently my whole extended family, all of whom I see on a semi-regular basis, all thought that I was married. Silver lining, at least my fiancé and I are so compatible people just assume we’re going to be together forever.)

Kindness Comes In All Shapes And Apartment Sizes

, , , , , , , , , | Hopeless | March 12, 2018

On the last weekend before school started in 2017, my step-dad at the time kicked us out of the house, completely out of the blue. Even though it was illegal, he gave us only 24 hours to get our stuff.

So many people through that event have helped restore my faith in humanity.

First, about half an hour after it happened, I was boxing stuff up while making various phone calls to friends and family. All said that they were currently busy but would drop whatever they were doing to come help. My best friend, who I’ve known since I was five, offered to take the three-hour drive from Washington to come and help.

The first couple nights, our grandparents offered to let us stay with them, and even though it was a small two-bedroom house we all fit snugly. We stayed with them for about a month into the school year until we got an apartment that accepted dogs.

When we were moving into the apartment, which was on the third floor, it was only five of us with the fifth being my 64-year-old grandpa. Right as we pulled up, we met one of our neighbors, and she said that she had a cart that we could use to get stuff to the stairs, which was super helpful, but then she offered to help us it get up the stairs as well! This kind lady has since interacted with us and is one of our nicest neighbors, but before she knew why we were moving or how much it could’ve meant to us, she went above and beyond the neighborly thing to do.

Thank you to everyone who helped us during a difficult time.

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