Exchanging Christmas Stories

, , , , , , , , | Related | December 19, 2017

(My stepfather’s family gets together for an early Christmas party. After lunch, there’s a gift exchange in which people choose a gift from under the tree at random, and then can trade or steal gifts. These are just a few of the items people unwrapped, with their reactions:)

Older Woman: “Okay, I got… Old Spice.”

Man Next To Her: “Ooh, it says ‘Swagger!’”

My Brother: “Looks like… a four-person tent!”

Me: “Awesome, but maybe you can get someone who’s not deathly allergic to bees to steal it?”

Mom: *to young man* “Hey, steal that Old Spice!”

Man: “Nah, I’ll unwrap this one… It’s a foot bath.” *he isn’t impressed*

Mom: “I told you to steal the Old Spice.”

Young Woman: “Okay, I got… ammo.”

(Most people at the table “ooh” and “ahh.”)

Young Woman: “Wait, I can’t take this home! [Husband] is on probation! Hey, [Next Person], can you steal this?”

Next Person: “Sorry, my husband’s not allowed to own a gun, either.”

(As my mom said, a gift exchange isn’t about getting something you want; you just show up for the funny stories.)

Making Tall Assumptions

, , , , | Friendly | December 18, 2017

(I’ve been tall all my life so I’m always mistaken as older. I’m used to it. My wife and I are grocery shopping and she goes off to another aisle to get something. The youngest my wife has ever been mistaken for is 19.)

Stranger: “Your daughter doesn’t look much like you.”

Me: “She’s not my daughter.”

Stranger: “Oh. Sister?”

Me: “No, she’s my wife.”

Stranger: *appalled* “You’re not old enough to be married!”

Me: “But I’m old enough to have a kid her age?”

Stranger: “Well… I guess not… But you’re so tall, so you must be older. And the pink hair, but that means you’re younger. Wait, then that means you’re gay. You’re not old enough to be gay!”

(I just rolled my eyes and walked away. I wonder what the stranger would have thought about the wine I later bought. And for the record, my wife and I are both 26.)

A Niece Realization

, , , | Learning | December 18, 2017

(At the start of the day, each class has what we call “circle;” the students sit in a circle on the floor and we go around one by one and the students explain how they’re feeling that day and why. It’s part of socio-emotional learning for kids to work on identifying their emotions and communicating their feelings. This is a fifth grade class and I’ve given the students fake names for ease of understanding.)

Me: “All right. [Student #1], on a scale of zero to five, how are you today?”

Student #1: “I’m a ten!”

Me: Oh, wow! What’s so excellent in your world today?

Student #1: “I’m really happy. I have a new niece! My sister just had a baby.”

Me: “Awesome! What’s her name?”

Student #1: “Her name is Athena.”

Me: “What a beautiful name!” *I tell him a little about the Greek goddess Athena* “Thank you so much for sharing, [Student #1]. [Student #2], how are you today, zero to five?”

Student #2: “Can I also be a ten?”

Me: “If that’s how awesome you are, sure! Why are you a ten?”

Student #2: “My cousin just had a baby.”

(It isn’t at all uncommon for one student to say something nice that happened and another student to say the same thing happened — whether or not it did — just to connect or get equal attention. I’m giving him the benefit of the doubt though.)

Me: “Wonderful! Lots of Christmas babies! Is it a boy or girl?”

Student #2: “Girl.”

Me: “Another girl! Do you know her name, yet?”

Student #2: “No. They haven’t told us. But we see her tonight when she goes home.”

Student #1: “My niece comes home today, too!”

Student #2: “Is that why I saw you at the hospital the other day?”

Student #1: “Yeah, we had just seen my niece!”

Student #2: “We were going to meet my cousin!”

Me: *I wonder why [Student #2] didn’t find out the baby’s name then, but I have a more pressing question* “[Student #2]… is it at all possible that your cousin is [Student #1]’s sister?”

Student #2: “No. [Student #1] is my cousin, though.”

Me: “If [Student #1]’s your cousin, isn’t [Student #1]’s sister also your cousin?”

Student #2: “Maybe?”

Student #1: “Yeah, she is!”

Me: “[Student #2]… I think you and [Student #1] are talking about the same baby.”

Student #2: *his eyes light up as he realizes this* “YEAH! Hey!” *turns to [Student #1]* “Your sister’s baby is my new baby cousin!”

Find An Opening For The Explanation

, , , , | Healthy | December 8, 2017

(My daughter is six years old and takes everything literally. For example, when saying something stinks such as “Oh, well, that stinks; you can come out for the day” she will ask me, “How does it smell?” Today I had to take her to her pediatric cardiologist, to have her heart murmur checked. I explained to her that it wasn’t going to hurt and that the doctor was just going to listen to her heart. She said okay and I thought nothing more of it. But when the nurse came in.)

Nurse: “All right, we are going to look at your heart.”

Daughter: “Okay. I took my shirt off, but how are you going to open my body to see my heart? Because Mommy said this wouldn’t hurt.”

(I will admit, the nurse’s eyes only bugged out for a second before she pulled herself together and explained that she had a special camera to look at it without having to “open her body.” Next time I will try to remember to explain a bit better!)

Best Not Get That Gift-Wrapped

, , , , | Romantic | December 7, 2017

(I’m currently seven months pregnant. My due date is estimated to be the same month as my birthday. I’m on Facebook and see some fun things my friend did for her birthday.)

Me: *to my husband* “Do you want anything special for your birthday? I know it’s a ways off, but with the baby coming I figure we need to plan things way in advance now.”

Husband: “Cake. Homemade; we can’t afford anything else.”

Me: “Okay.” *after a pause* “What do I want for my birthday? Well, I was thinking of having a party! A book-swap or something. I can’t drink. Anything. But I could serve caffeine-free teas, and everyone could bring their favorite books, and we could all switch them up and…” *I go on rambling like this for a few minutes* “What do you think? Should I do that? Or something else?”

Husband: “You get a baby. That’s what you get for your birthday.”

(It turns out, I was too tired with the new baby to want to plan anything, so I just had a few friends over to play board games, and I fell asleep in the middle of them, anyway.)

Page 5/30First...34567...Last
« Previous
Next »