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Cats Will Always Find Their Moment

, , , , | Working | January 13, 2023

Since the global health crisis, my boyfriend and I have seen many hilarious posts and videos online about people’s cats crashing Zoom call work meetings, and they always make us laugh. Neither of us has ever had an office job; we have always had the “essential” jobs of retail, food service, and general labor, so we never got the luxury of working from home in our pajamas during the health crisis.

The time comes this year when my boyfriend has to set up his life insurance policy through his job, and they request it be done over a Zoom call so they can go over all the paperwork in real time, since the main office is based out of another state. I’m sure you can guess where this is going.

Neither of us is very tech-savvy, so the hilarity of both of us trying to even figure out how to download Zoom and get it to work is a lovely enough experience by itself. But once the call gets going, everything goes smoothly.

[Boyfriend] is leaning against the kitchen island, going over this important and serious life and accident insurance information with the lady on the other end of the video call, and I’m sitting off to the side quietly sipping my coffee.

Our cat decides that now is the ideal time for some affection. She leaps up onto the counter and, before anyone can grab her, promptly walks across the laptop, stepping on a bunch of keys, and sticks her head directly up into my boyfriend’s face, demanding chin scratches, completely blocking him from the view of the camera with a mass of grey fluff.

The lady on the other end bursts out laughing in the middle of her sentence about beneficiaries in the event of my boyfriend’s accidental demise. My boyfriend also starts laughing (more out of embarrassment) and attempts to move the cat, but she wriggles away, hops back around, and just starts doing circles on the laptop keyboard, making all kinds of fun things happen on the screen along with beeping “error” sounds with each key she steps on.

I’m cracking up by this point, too, and I quickly intervene and grab up the cat and bring her to my lap.

It takes my boyfriend and the insurance lady a minute to regain their composure to resume talking about the serious matter of what would happen should my boyfriend die unexpectedly. 

After the call is over, I am delighted to point out that now we have finally had that hilarious “cat crashing a Zoom call” experience that we’ve always envied from most of the rest of the world.

Your Director Is So Fired

, , , , , , , , | Learning | December 25, 2022

When I was around second grade, my church put on a Christmas play involving every child in Sunday school, telling the story of Jesus’s birth. I was cast as one of the three wise men, and our role was to stand in front of the mics, look up at the ceiling, and comment on the Star of Bethlehem. In order to prevent us from looking in three different directions, we were told beforehand to look in the direction of the ceiling fan. Unfortunately, I had no idea where the fan was in the nave, especially in the darkened room.

Wise Man #1: “Wow, look at that star!”

Wise Man #2: “That star is shining so bright!”

Me: “What could that star mean?” *Pauses* “Where is that stupid star?”

My mom told me afterward that all the adults around her thought it was adorable, which totally made up for the other kids telling me their parents were recording the play and I blew their big moment.

PIN-ning Down What’s Wrong Here

, , , , , | Right | August 14, 2022

My boyfriend and I are doing our weekly grocery shop and are next in line at the checkout with our heaping cart of items. The lady currently checking out looks like she stepped out of an online article about “How to Look Like an Incognito Movie Star in a Small Hick Town”. She’s got oversized sunglasses on, a floppy hat, claw-like fake nails, and a bejeweled cell phone she’s clutching at a cocked angle, with someone on speakerphone on the other end. She’s clearly not in a rush, and she has her debit card sticking in the card reader, looking and sounding quite bored while she nonchalantly holds up the line.

Movie Star Lady: *Casually hollering into her phone* “Yeah, baby, I’m at the checkout and the PIN you gave me isn’t working.”

Guy On Phone: “Which card are you using?”

Movie Star Lady: “The one you gave me. I tried [PIN #1] for the PIN, but it didn’t work.”

The cashier, my boyfriend, and I all exchange horrified looks. Yes, this lady just hollered out a PIN for everyone to hear. And remember, she has the guy she’s talking to on speakerphone, so everyone can hear him, too.

Guy On Phone: “That’s my other card. The PIN for the one I gave you is [PIN #2].”

Movie Star Lady: *Loudly repeats the PIN he just told her.* “Are you sure? Because [PIN #2] is the first one I tried, and it didn’t work, so I tried [PIN #1], which didn’t work, either.”

This continues for a bit, and the cashier, my boyfriend, and I are getting a bit agitated at how flippant she’s being about holding up the line while casually yelling out this guy’s legitimate PINs.

The woman finally returns to the card reader to punch in a PIN.

Movie Star Lady: “Okay, I’m trying [PIN #2] right now. Oh, it worked. Okay, because, yeah, I tried [PIN #2] first, and it didn’t work, so that’s why I tried [PIN #1], but yeah, [PIN #2] worked this time.”

She finally got her receipt and her little bag of purchases and sashayed away in her sunglasses and hat, still yapping on her phone. My boyfriend and I exchanged an exasperated giggle while shaking our heads, feeling sorry for that guy and the security risk movie star he’s dating.

The Horn Of Scorn

, , , | Right | May 23, 2022

It is the supper rush, and a man pulls into the drive-thru. He states what he wants with no issue, but he is followed up by a muffled female voice. Our shift leader, who is taking the order, politely asks them to repeat what she said; people ordering from the passenger’s side don’t come through very well.

His response is to lay on the horn to bless the ears of every nearby car and the headsets of the employees, and yell:

Customer: “Can you hear her now?!”

The manager is instantly fed up and tells them to leave. The reaction?

Customer: “Well, fine, but I don’t think I did anything wrong.”

Some People Just Want To Watch The World Burn, Part 15

, , , | Right | April 21, 2022

I’m working the drive-thru, waiting on an unusual sight for the fall: an older-looking man in a convertible with no shirt on. In the time it takes to get his food ready, two more cars pull up and place their orders.

Me: “And here’s your food. You have a good day now.”

He takes his bag and then stares at me, wide-eyed.

Me: “…”

Customer: “…”

Me: “Is there an issue, sir?”

Customer: “I like it when people are behind me in the drive-thru.”

Some People Just Want To Watch The World Burn, Part 14
Some People Just Want To Watch The World Burn, Part 13
Some People Just Want To Watch The World Burn, Part 12
Some People Just Want To Watch The World Burn, Part 11
Some People Just Want To Watch The World Burn, Part 10