I work for a newspaper that has a copy center and gift shop attached. We are not yet ready to open the copy shop door, so people usually only use the main one.

The air conditioning recently broke and flooded our floors so, this week, the new floors are being laid, the baseboards are being painted and put in, etc. Naturally, we have a sign up in front of the main door that says, “Use Copy Door To Left,” complete with a bright red arrow.

Reactions to this sign mostly involve people completely ignoring it, but these are the most memorable reactions.

Old Man: “I saw the sign. I just didn’t know what it meant.”

Later, while one of the workers is on a ladder painting door trim, the door swings open and smacks him.

Old Woman: “Why are you in front of the door? It’s a work day!”

Sigh. I’ll be so glad when the remodel is done.

Customer: “Hi! So, I was watching CSI and I saw them do this thing with the photos.”

Uh-oh. This is never a good start.

Customer: “They, like, zoomed in and made it all clear.”

Me: “Yeah, the old ‘zoom and enhance’ trick. Just to warn you, those shows are exaggerated; most of the time, you can’t do that in real life.”

Customer: “Yeah, well, I need you to do that for me.”

He produces a polaroid photo.

Customer: “I need you to zoom in on the post-it on the fridge in the background here.”

I take a look at the photo. The post-it itself is barely a blur.

Me: “Sir, I am sorry, but if you’re looking to get any information from what was written on that post-it, you’re not going to do so from this old photo.”

Customer: “D*** it! All the other stores said the same thing. I don’t understand why they can do it on TV but not in the stores!”

The customer’s phone starts ringing, and he answers.

Customer: “Yeah.” *Pauses* “I’m here now and they said they can’t do it, either.” *Pauses* “Yeah, well, I’m sorry, but if you want Aunt Grace’s peach cobbler recipe, then you’re going to have to ask her.” *Pauses* “Yeah, maybe you should apologize about the cat first and then ask her.” *Pauses* “No, I am not calling her; she’s your aunt!” *Pauses* “And because I’m not the one who did that to her cat!”

He wandered off grumbling, and I was left wondering what happened to that poor cat.

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A woman comes in after closing by a few minutes. I run the shop myself in the evenings and close up.

Customer: “I only need some copies and a fax. It shouldn’t take too long.”

I go to make her some copies, but she pushes me out of the way.

Customer: “You’re doing it wrong. You need to let me do it because I’ve done this all my life.”

I point out our sign that reads, “Please let the employees make your copies. You will be charged for any mistakes you make.”

Customer: “I want to do it my way.”

I step back and let her make her copies. I bring her copied papers to the fax machine behind the desk to be faxed. Even though we have a sign that asks customers not to come behind the desk, she follows me and decides to be a helicopter for a few minutes.

The fax line is busy, so I let her know and wait for the line to clear. I place the papers on the desk during this time while I wait.

Once I decide to try sending the fax again, I turn around and the papers are gone.

Me: “Do you have the papers?”

Customer: “I didn’t touch them.”

I look through all the papers on the back desk and the shelves, even though they have no reason to be in there. I am TEARING THE PLACE APART looking for these d*** papers.

Customer: *Freaking out* “Those papers have credit card numbers, bank account numbers, and my social security number on them! I’m going to have to close all of my accounts, and my identity has probably already been stolen!”

I am freaking out because I will for sure get fired over this. I am ready to cry.

Customer: “I’ll check my purse just in case, but I’m pretty sure I didn’t pick them up.”

She pulls out some folded-up papers. It’s those g**d*** papers! She promptly apologizes profusely, and I fax her papers. I total her up to $2.73. She hands over her card.

Me: “We don’t take cards for amounts under $5.”

She went to her car to get some change and came back with a box. The box was full of pennies. She grabbed a few handfuls, more than what she needed, and put them in a box out of which we sold chocolate for a fundraiser. She didn’t even put them in my hands.

She gave me 302 pennies! My boss let me know the next day that a lady had called and complained about my poor behavior toward her. I told him that she was the reason the pennies were taking up three sections in the register.

Related:
A Penny Dreadful, Part 3
A Penny Dreadful, Part 2
A Penny Dreadful

I work in a copy store back in the age of fax machines.

Customer: “Your fax machine is broken!”

Me: “What are you trying to fax?”

Customer: “I’m trying to pay this bill, but your machine is being stupid!”

He is actually trying to fax $83.74 to the gas company to pay his bill. He is literally putting dollars and change in the machine where the paper goes.

Me: “That’s not going to work.”

Customer: “Why not?”

Me: “You can only send paper through the fax.”

Customer: “So bills only? Not coins?”

Me: “…no.”

I try explaining and, while still angry, he seems to understand.

Me: “Anything else I can help you with, sir?”

Customer: *Holds up a door key* “I also need to fax my daughter’s house key to her in Florida.”

Me: “…no.”

He cussed me out, saying I just didn’t want to help him. I still can’t think of a polite way to say that we have not invented teleporters yet.

I hate the fax machine.

Related:
Taxing Faxing, Part 33
Taxing Faxing, Part 32
Taxing Faxing, Part 31
Taxing Faxing, Part 30
Taxing Faxing, Part 29

I am copying a few pages in the university campus copy shop when a woman storms in and starts barking orders.

Customer: “Drop what you’re doing and help me copy some borrowed notes from a lecture!”

Me: “I’ll be happy to help you in a few seconds.”

Customer: *Yelling* “I have to go to a lecture in three minutes! I have to return the notes immediately! I’m very upset with your attitude.“

I copied the notes, gave them back to her, followed her to the lecture hall, and started my lecture.

It slowly dawned on her that for the next three years, I would be one of her teachers. It was beautiful.

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