(Two customers come in together.)

Customer 1: I’ll have a cheeseburger with ketchup–no mustard!
Customer 2: I want a cheeseburger too, but I don’t want ketchup–just mustard!

(The customers are served their burgers and all is well for several minutes, until…)

Customer 2: Our burgers are wrong and we need one of them remade!
Manager: OK, sorry about that. What was wrong with them?
Customer 2: Mine had ketchup on it and I wanted mustard! The other one had mustard, but no ketchup!
Manager: OK…
Customer 2: Yeah, I guess we got our burgers mixed up. I didn’t notice the ketchup, so I just started eating it. And I finished mine before she noticed the mustard on hers. And she doesn’t like mustard!
Manager: …
Customer 2: You should have marked them! Now remake it with ketchup this time! No mustard!

(At the restaurant where I work, our kid’s meals have a token on the bag you can exchange for dessert. One of our regulars came almost every day, and usually ordered the same thing, a kid’s meal, but she had lately been altering her sandwich so much that it would not fit properly in the bags. When she came in, we were supposed to put an empty bag on the tray with her meal.)

Me: *Takes regular’s order and brings it out when it’s ready.*

Regular: *Comes back seconds later looking furious, just as I’m opening a kid’s meal bag for another order* “You didn’t give me my bag!”

Me: “Oh, I’m sorry about that. Here, I actually have a bag out right now; you can have this one.”

She puts both hands on the counter, leans in over the register, and stares at me for about fifteen uncomfortable seconds, before snatching her bag and returning to her seat. A couple minutes later, she returns to the counter, where she places the tray, dumped out fries, her unwrapped sandwich, and a cup of soda. She tosses the penny I’d given her in change back on the tray, glares at me in silence, and rushes out the door. Other than the soda, she had not touched anything.

She did not come for months after that, but has since returned a few times, usually complaining about the food and being rude to my coworkers.

My senior year of high school, I have two study hall periods. About a week into the school year, one of the guidance counselors approaches me during study hall.

Counselor: “[My Name], why haven’t you been attending cooking class?”

Me: “Because I’m not taking cooking class?”

Counselor: “You’re on the class roster and you’ve been marked absent every day.”

Me: “That’s weird. It’s not on my course schedule.”

Counselor: “Huh. Did you sign up for it?”

Me: “No. I signed up freshman year, but I switched classes a couple of weeks in, and I definitely didn’t sign up for it this year.”

Counselor: “Do you want to take it?”

Me: “No.”

Counselor: “Okay, I guess we’ll remove you from the class, then.”

It was admittedly unusual for a student to have two Study Halls, and I initially assumed that the cooking class took place during one of my two study halls, but I later learned that it actually shared the same time block as my AP Calculus class. Apparently, I was supposed to be in two places at once. Very strange.

My fiance is the dumb customer in this story.

We were seated and the waitress took our order. He ordered seasoned mashed potatoes, but didn’t ask what they were seasoned with. They come out with chopped green parsley in them. He refuses to eat anything green.

After a few minutes, the waitress came to check on us and my fiance asked if he could switch the mashed potatoes for a baked potato. The waitress agrees, but she gives him a strange look.

I can’t resist, as turning away food because of green herbs is a pet peeve of mine, so I pipe up with “he doesn’t eat anything green.”

Without missing a beat, the waitress responds with “I understand, my five-year-old son won’t eat anything green either.” She asks what he wants on his baked potato. He tells her just cheese and butter. She leaves.

A few minutes later, she returns with three plates. One has a baked potato on it, one is filled with butter, and the other is filled with shredded cheese. My fiance is convinced this is the best service ever and leaves her a very nice tip.

I stared at my food all through dinner to keep from giggling when I looked at him because he didn’t get it. While he paid the bill, I wrote a note to our waitress telling us she had made my day and that he actually takes the time to pick cilantro out of salsa and had my apologies for him being difficult.

(I work at the visitors bureau, answering calls from visitors requesting information. We are NOT the visitors center and we are not allowed to give out their number as our department exists to give information to visitors. Most people find this difficult to understand. I receive this call around 3:30 pm.)

Caller: “What time dies your last tour leave?”

Me: “Which tour are you looking for?”

Caller: “The one that leaves from your building.”

Me: “You mean the bus shed?”

Caller: “Yeah, whatever it’s called. I need to know what time the last tour leaves.”

Me: “Which tour were you looking at?”

Caller: “I don’t know, whichever one leaves from the visitors center.”

Me: “All the motorized tours leave from the bus shed. Which company were you looking for?”

Caller: “I don’t know! I just want the one that leaves from the visitors center!”

Me: “Well, there are several companies that offer tours on different subjects and leave at different times. Is there a specific type of tour you wanted?”

Caller: “I don’t know! I just want to know what time the last tour leaves!”

Me: “Unfortunately I can’t tell you that information unless I know which tour you’re interested in. Would you like a tour of the city, a plantation, Civil War history-”

Caller: “Look, I’m standing on [Street about a 10 minute walk from the visitors center] and they’re closing at 5 so I need to know the last tour! 3:45, 4:15, 4:30, I don’t care! Just tell me!”

Me: “Ma’am, I can’t tell you what time the tour leaves unless you tell me which tour you want.”

Caller: “You’re f***ing useless!”

(We aren’t allowed to disconnect a call even if the caller is being difficult, and I just want to get rid of her, so I make something up.”

Me: “It looks like [Company] has their last city tour at 4:30.”

Caller: “Finally! Can I purchase tickets there or do I have to call them?”

Me: “Either one works, though I suggest calling ahead as they will sometimes cancel a tour if not enough people buy tickets.”

Caller: “Ugh, fine.” *hangs up abruptly*

(I had no idea whether that company was even offering their 4:30 tour that day, but the way that caller treated me, I didn’t really care.)