Enunciation Is So Important

, , , , , , | Learning | May 2, 2021

A kindergartner is sent to the principal for writing on his bus seat.

Principal: “Did you write on your seat on the bus?”

Child: “Yes.”

Principal: “Do other kids write on the seats?”

Child: “No.”

Principal: “Do you write on the furniture at home?”

Child: “No.”

Principal: “Then why did you think it was okay to write on the bus seat?”

Child: *Bursts into tears* “Because the driver told us to sit in our ‘signed seats, and mine wasn’t signed!”

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A Sudden Jab Of Terror

, , , , , | Healthy | April 29, 2021

When I was around five or six, I was at the doctor’s office for a checkup. I knew I would be receiving an injection, and I was terrified of needles. My mother stepped outside of the room with the doctor while we waited for the nurse to come by with the shot.

There was a slight knock on the door and a nurse popped her head in.

Nurse: “Hi! I just need to grab something real quick.”

And she proceeded to pull out the biggest needle I’d ever seen in my short life! I screamed bloody murder.

My mother and the doctor came running back into the room to find the nurse frantically trying to calm me down, but I refused to even let her touch me. The nurse showed the doctor the needle.

Nurse: “I didn’t mean to scare anyone! I feel horrible.”

After the nurse left, my doctor sat down with me.

Doctor: “That needle is meant for more difficult patients and it does hurt, but you are getting the regular-sized needle that hurts much less.”

I later learned the nurse’s needle was for bone marrow aspiration. I received my injection with no complaint.

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Caramel Hell

, , , , | Right | April 25, 2021

We have a choice of white, chocolate, or caramel frosting. At least once a day, someone asks for the milk chocolate while pointing to the caramel donuts, which are clearly labeled as caramel.

Me: “Sir, that’s actually caramel. We only have one kind of chocolate.”

Customer: *Pointing at the caramel donuts and getting agitated* “That milk chocolate one! Right there!”

Me: “That’s the caramel. The only chocolate ones we have are these.” *Pointing to the actual chocolate donuts*

Customer: “No! What’s the matter with you?! You have dark chocolate and milk chocolate. I can see it right there! I don’t want dark chocolate; I want milk chocolate. You don’t even know what kind of donuts you sell!”

As he’s raising his voice and turning red in the face, I just give him the caramel donut he’s asked for. I watch him bite into it, and I see that he finally understands.


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The Sauce Of All Your Issues

, , , | Right | April 24, 2021

At certain times of the day, we’ll have one of our people stand outside and hand out sauces. These all occur back-to-back.

Me: “Hi! Any sauce for you?”

Customer #1: “Fine, thanks! How’re you?”

The next customer:

Me: “What kind of sauce can I get you?”

Customer #2: “No sauce, just barbeque.”

The next customer:

Customer #3: “Can I get some [Competing Chain] sauce?”

[Customer #4] speeds past me, stops by the cart of sauces, and stares me down. I run to catch up.

Me: “What can I get you?”

Customer #4: “Oh, nothing for me, thanks!” *Speeds off*

The next customer:

Customer #5: “Can I have twenty [sauces]?”

Me: “Sorry, there’s a limit. How many meals do you have?”

Customer #5: “Just one.”

And my personal favorite, an older man, driving slowly:

Me: “Hello! What can I get for you?”

Customer #6: *Grinning widely with excitement* “CHICKEN SAUCE!”

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It’s Not Safe To Operate ANY Vehicle In This Neighborhood

, , , , | Related | April 19, 2021

My father has a knack for making every story about him. We are visiting with some old neighbors we haven’t seen in years.

Neighbor #1: “Remember the time that our son scratched [Neighbor #2]’s car with his bike?”

Dad: “Oh, that wasn’t your son; it was me! And it wasn’t a bike; I was driving my car. And it wasn’t [Neighbor #2], it was [Neighbor #3].”

Me: “So, in other words, it was a completely different story altogether?”

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