After college, I lived in the same town for a while. I was only two hours away from my hometown, so I frequently made trips back and forth. On one trip back, I was stopped by Highway Patrol half a mile from my exit, and here is that exchange.

Officer: “Do you know why I pulled you over, BOY?”

Me: “I’m not sure, man. Why?”

I swear I recognize this guy.

Officer: “License and registration, BOY!”

Me: *Complies.*

Officer: “You get in trouble a lot, BOY? I know I’ve seen you before, BOY!”

I finally see the nameplate, and it clicks.

Me: “Why did you pull me over, Scott?”

Officer: “How do you know me, BOY?”

Me: “[High school], Panthers, Class of ’99? We graduated together, dude. That’s why I look familiar.”

Officer: *Awkward stare-down.* “…I’ll be back in a minute, BOY!”

He wrote me a ticket for my expired tags, which I deserved, and it was worth it to have him stop shouting BOY at me and let me get home finally.

A bank I once worked at had a customer who had more money than sense. He had a debit card, but VERY rarely used it. Every time he did, the usage would get flagged by our fraud monitoring software, and he’d have to call in and verify the attempted activity.

At one point, he decided the three or four times a year he had to do this was a “major inconvenience” and requested to have his account removed from fraud monitoring. Our fraud department basically said, “h*** to the no,” but some executive officer decided it was okay because he was “such a good customer” (aka has a lot of money on deposit).

The fraud department finally agreed, with the requirement that the customer sign a document stating that he was fully liable for any fraud that occurred on the account after removal from fraud monitoring. Which he did.

About a year later, he called in wanting to dispute about four months of fraudulent transactions on his debit card. (In addition to having a lot of money, he also apparently never looked at his account.)

The executive officer reminded him of the document he signed and stated that the bank would not be reimbursing him.

The total cost of the customer’s FAFO moment? $27,000

A church in the town I worked for was having a health fair that had been advertised in various locations. A woman came in to ask about the location of the fair, and when I told her which church it was at, this was her response:

Lady: “The black church? Are you sending me to the black church?”

Me: *Oblivious, but hilariously so.* “I think it’s brick.”

My Boss: “…”

The lady left, and my boss asked if I was being smart, or if that was my actual answer. It took me a moment, as I had apparently been briefly possessed by Amelia Bedelia, but I assured her that I was not and was actually that naive. We still laugh about it twenty years later.

I was at a downtown chain hotel. My best friend and I were taking our tween daughters to a movie-themed concert a few blocks away, and we needed to leave soon after the cocktail hour started, in order to walk the few blocks, get through security, and find our seats before the show started.

We sent our kids to the food line and jumped into the bar line (because priorities), and the bartender overheard us talking about what would end up being our unused drink tickets, given that we had to leave shortly. 

Immediately, he grabbed two large coffee cups and six pre-poured glasses of wine, explaining:

Bartender: “What you ladies need is the concert special!”

He took our drink tickets, poured three glasses of wine into one large cup, three in the other, slapped coffee cup lids on top, and declared:

Bartender: “You ladies enjoy your ‘coffee’ on your walk down to the arena!”

And then he gave us directions. 

He got a big tip, and we had the means necessary to enjoy a concert full of screaming young girls!

Related:
Why Barkeeps Should Rule The World, Part 6
Why Barkeeps Should Rule The World, Part 5
Why Barkeeps Should Rule The World, Part 4
Why Barkeeps Should Rule The World, Part 3
Why Barkeeps Should Rule The World, Part 2

It’s 2015, and I’m the unofficial tech guy for my school.

Teacher: “Can you help? [Website] won’t load.”

Me: “Okay, what browser are you using?”

Teacher: *Gives school website.*

Me: “No, which web browser do you use to get on the internet?”

Teacher: *Gives the website they’re trying to access.*

Me: “No, I mean, what do you click on to get to that website?” 

Teacher: “The internet.”

Me: “I’m not explaining myself well. When you’re looking at your desktop, what icon do you click on to open the internet?”

Teacher: *Gives email address.*

Me: “Internet Explorer it is.”