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H2-D’oh!, Part 9

, , , , , | Right | November 29, 2023

I worked for a popular chain restaurant all through college, and the water from the faucet in the ladies’ restroom was always cold. I had a woman stop me one evening as she was exiting the restroom to tell me that we needed to have a plumber fix the hot water.

Woman: “The cold water doesn’t kill any germs. What’s the point of washing your hands?”

Me: “That’s not how that works.”

Woman: “What?”

Me: “The purpose of washing your hands is to wash away the germs. If the water were hot enough to kill them, it would scald you.”

Woman: *Laughs* “Oh, honey, wow… I guess that’s why you’ll always be a waitress!” *Walks away*

For the record, I was a biology major, and I’m a nurse practitioner now. 

H2-D’oh!, Part 8
H2-D’oh!, Part 7
H2-D’oh!, Part 6
H2-D’oh!, Part 5
H2-D’oh!, Part 4

They Don’t Know How The World Works But They Still Think It Revolves Around Them

, , , | Right | November 15, 2023

This story takes place in 2021.

Customer: “You don’t have half the stock you used to! What’s going on?!”

Me: “I apologize, ma’am. There have been recent global shipping challenges and now the blocked Suez Canal has slowed things even further.”

Customer: “I don’t see how a boat in Egypt can have anything to do with clothes in central Missouri!”

Context Counts

, , , , , | Learning | November 15, 2023

I’m a school librarian. Each class visits me once a week. When class is done, I instruct them how to line up.

Me: “When Mr. [My Name] calls your number, go to the door. One, two, three…”

Student: “Four, five, six!”

Me: “Let me count, please. Four, five, six…”

Student: “Seven, eight, nine!”

Me: “Please stop counting; that’s my job. Seven, eight, nine…”

Student: “Ten, eleven, twelve!”

Me: “How many times do I have to tell you, [Student]? You don’t count! You don’t count!”

I looked up to see his teacher standing in the door, looking concerned.

It’s A Wonder His Giant Ego Doesn’t Pull Him Under

, , , , , , , , , | Learning | October 15, 2023

A couple of years after I qualified as a Red Cross Water Safety Instructor, I was helping out teaching Senior Life Savers at the university pool. We had a swim team member in the class who was enormous; he was heavily muscled and two meters (6’6″) tall. He enjoyed picking on people, especially women — pushing them into the pool and dunking them — being a pest before class, and not paying attention to techniques in class. He thought he was too strong and too good at swimming to have any trouble with rescues.

For the final practical test, we teachers were assigned to be “drowning victims” for the students, and none of the other teachers wanted to work with this guy. I volunteered, but in me, he got a “panicky” victim, who tried to grab him and climb on top. Since he hadn’t learned the techniques, he tried to overpower me with pure strength, and I guarantee that doesn’t work well when the victim is pushing and grabbing. When he finally wrestled me into the towing position, he was exhausted — and so was I — but he thought his troubles were over.

On the way back to the pool edge, I lifted my legs out of the water, which pushed him under and made him struggle — all while using bad techniques that ended up choking me and making me “panic” again.

He was completely exhausted when we got to the pool edge, and the examiner (who knew exactly what I had done and why) failed him and told him he had to do the whole test over.

On the retest, he used all the right techniques and had a “cooperative” victim. He listened after that.

When The Medic Thinks You’re A Hippocratic Oaf

, , | Healthy | October 15, 2023

My coworkers and I are being trained on how to use an automatic defibrillator by a medic. I don’t think he was impressed with us.

Me: “After it gives the shock, do we take the paddles off?”

Medic: “No, just let the coroner do that.” *Pause.* “I mean the doctor.”