(The video game store I work at is in a mall with mostly retail stores, but a couple of snack-type stores and one sit-down style pizza restaurant. It’s about 10:30 am on a Saturday and the store is empty at the moment. A man with a very angry look on his face comes in directly to me.)

Customer: “Is there any place in the mall that sells alcohol?”

Me: “Uh, yeah, I’m pretty sure that [Pizza Place] has a bar, but—”

Customer: “Okay.”

(The man turns and walks hurriedly out of the store in the direction of [Pizza Place].)

Me: *finishing what I was going to say, to myself* “…but they don’t open until noon.”

(I am planning a trip to Athens with several friends. I am at home discussing the costs and stuff with my mom when this happens.)

Me: “The hotel would be really cheap for a two-week stay, even. It’s crazy. Crap’s so cheap over there—”

Mom: “[MY NAME]! You know once you try that stuff you get addicted; how could you even think of going and doing that?!”

Me: *bemused* “What, travelling? I mean it’s not the worst thing to be addicted to. Maybe your wallet would disagree.”

Mom: “Crack is so bad for you, [My Name]; I can’t believe—”

Me: “Wait, what? You thought I said ‘crack’? I said ‘crap’. Oh, my gosh, Mom.”

(It’s been a few weeks and I’m still teasing her over that.)

I just waited for a package for supplies for me to continue doing my side job at home. I got no notification after a month (it said latest the items would arrive is Feb 15) so I decided to check it out, it said that it had been returned to the seller. I call them up about why I received no notifications and why nobody came here. This was what the person at USPS said

“The driver said he drove to [my address] 4 times on 4 different days at 3:00-4:00. Everytime an elderly woman opened the door and said “there’s no [my name]” here!” Driver then looked through mailbox at end of driveway to the apartment complex to see if there was mail for [my name] and found none.”

1) the package arrived to their office friday, they sent it back saturday.
2) There’s no old woman living where I’m at
3) I do not live in an apartment complex. Nor anywhere near one. Yes, they repeated back the correct address to me and told me a landmark it was nearby, yet still somehow missed it.

USPS is making excuses for obviously their driver lying about not wanting to do their job.

And then they offered me $20 when the seller sends it back out again to have it expressed delivered. You’d think they’d just cover it themselves after their mistake and hopefully fire a lazy wretch.

(We go to St. Louis on vacation and decide to visit the Gateway Arch. There are about 40 or so people in front of me. Directly in front of me is a dad with two young children. The dad looks ahead and counts out how many families are going before him and works out which elevator they would be getting on. Note that ALL the elevators kind of lurch, making a metallic noise as the elevator starts up.)

Dad: “Yeah, kids, this is going to be really awesome! We are going to be very high up and have an amazing view of the city! But we don’t want to be on elevator four.”

Kids: “Why not elevator four, Dad?”

Dad: “That elevator will jolt and make a horrible metal noise and will eventually fall and we will all die! But there are a lot of elevators, so we don’t need to worry about that.”

(The kids look scared, but reassured by their dad. As the line shortens, the kids start counting ahead to predict which elevator they will be on.)

Kids: *gasp* “DAD! DAD! WE ARE GOING TO BE ON ELEVATOR FOUR!”

Dad: “Nooo. There’s no way!”

(The line ends, and the dad and kids are next. The kids are near hysterics. The dad turns to me.)

Dad: “Sir, would you mind switching places with me?”

Me: “NO WAY! That’s elevator four!”

(The dad only smirked as his plan came full circle. They got into the elevator and, sure enough, it jolted and made the noise. Pure horror-filled screams filled the room, as everyone who was aware of the situation was bent over laughing.)

(I am a nurse. At my hospital, we can order guest meal trays for patients’ family members, but only under very special circumstances, and with manager approval.)

Family Member: “Excuse me. I was wondering if I could get a dinner tray tonight.”

Me: “We only do that in very special circumstances, when family members are providing extensive care for the patient. I’ll check with my manager, though, and get back with you.”

(I explain the situation to my manager, and we decide that this is not a situation that warrants a guest tray. I return to the patient’s room.)

Me: “I’m sorry, but we won’t be able to provide you with dinner tonight. You are more than welcome to visit the cafeteria downstairs.”

Family Member: “I guess I just won’t eat dinner, then.”

Me: “Of course we want you to eat.”

Family Member: *very rudely* “I don’t have any money to buy dinner, so I just won’t eat.”

(Not wanting her to miss dinner, I made several phone calls and was able to obtain meal vouchers to the hospital cafeteria. She didn’t say much when I gave them to her. As I was leaving my shift at the end of the night, I saw a pizza deliver guy walking into the room. No money for food, my a**!)