(I work as an admin. assistant at a local fire department. One of my duties is to issue burning permits for anybody wanting to burn brush. This happens over the phone.)

Caller: “Burning permit. Now.”

Me: “Due to the high winds we are not issuing burning permits at this time. You can call to check tomorrow and then come in to the station.”

Caller: “I can’t tomorrow. You need to make the wind stop. I pay your salary so you have to.” *slams down phone*

Me: “Yeah, I’ll get right on that.”

(I explain to a customer I must return her damaged online item in a separate transaction from her buying the new one. It must always must be done separately.)

Customer: “OH, YEAH, THAT’S FINE!” *almost jubilant*

Me: “Okay.” *somehow knowing it won’t be*

(I return the item to her card, explaining the process as I am going. I ring up the replacement item, which is now even cheaper than she originally bought it.)

Customer: “WAIT. I DON’T GET IT. IT’S AN EVEN EXCHANGE. I SHOULD HAVE TO PAY NOTHING!”

Me: *explains it several times until she gives up and pays and goes away*

(This story was told to me by a coworker a few years after the event. On the evening of September 11, 2001, the restaurant is full of customers buying food or just a coffee discussing the day’s events with each other. The store closes at midnight, but many customers have lost track of the time and stay. The doors to the lobby are typically locked at 11 pm, so staff has had to help customers leave during the last hour and during cleaning. Most customers have left by midnight, but two old women remain talking to each other. Finally, the cleaning is finished and the staff is ready to clock out and go home, at about 1 am.)

Coworker: “Excuse me, ma’am?”

Woman: “Yes?”

Coworker: “We closed an hour ago. We’re getting ready to shut the lights off and go home.”

Woman: “Oh, we didn’t mean to keep you! But… have you heard about the power of Jesus?”

(Tired and exhausted, my coworker winds up replying:)

Coworker: “Ma’am, if you don’t go, you’re going to feel the power of Satan!”

Customer: “Do you have body bags?”

Me: “Umm… what?”

(The customer describes something like a poncho.)

Me: “A poncho?”

Customer: “NO! A BODYBAG.”

(The customer then flagged down someone of another ethnicity to help her, saying they would know what she meant. I still have no idea.)

(This guest has stayed with our hotel several times, always finding something wrong in order to take advantage of our 100% money-back guarantee if she’s not “satisfied.” She has the highest tier rewards points in the hotel chain as well. She’s also EXTREMELY unpleasant and we all dread dealing with her. She comes to check out, wanting to pay cash. She’s used a “points + money” rate of $40.)

Me: “Okay, your total is [amount]. How was your stay?”

Unpleasant Guest: “I’m not paying that. You need to take my corporate discount off.”

Me: “Ma’am, you didn’t book on a corporate rate. You booked with your reward points. I can’t take more of a discount off.”

Unpleasant Guest: “Yes, you CAN! I do this all the time.” *she doesn’t; never at this location, anyway* “Call whoever you have to call. Get my discount, NOW.”

Me: *smiling through teeth* “Of course.”

(I go to the back and call my manager, who confirms that no, we can’t take a discount off the rate. She’s only paying $40 a night anyway, and we’d be losing money if we gave her more of a discount. I return to tell Unpleasant Guest this fact.)

Unpleasant Guest: “I can’t believe this! You’re giving TERRIBLE customer service.” *makes a huge display of writing my name on her folio, the date, and the customer service phone number* “I can’t stay here and argue about it any longer. YOU need to learn better customer service.”

Me: *while taking her cash and giving her change* “I’m sorry you feel that way, ma’am. Have a great day.”

Unpleasant Guest: *as she storms away* “I’m sorry you LOOK that way.”

(I’ve never been so insulted by a guest in my life. My manager backed me up and sent her an email telling her to choose another hotel to stay on her next visit.)