(I am a fourth-grade teacher.)
Student: “Mr. [My Name], do you like oysters?”
Me: “Yes.”
Student: “Great! I’ll bring you some.”
Me: *wondering how he intends to do that, since we live in Missouri* “Oh, you don’t have to do that.”
Student: “It’s no problem. I’ll bring ’em as soon as my dad’s done castrating the bulls.”
Me: “You really don’t have to do that.”
(When I am teaching fourth grade, my students do a project where they make little cutouts of various US presidents. The next day, one of my students comes to me in tears, saying that on the bus home, an older kid grabbed her president and tore it up. I confront the kid the next day.)
Me: “Did you tear up my student’s president?”
Kid: “No! Someone else did!”
Me: “She says it was you.”
Kid: “No! All I did was tear off the head and legs!”
(I gave the girl the sample president as a replacement. Poor kid traded James Madison for Jimmy Carter.)
(After a high school camping trip, we stop at a diner to eat.)
Father: “I think I’m going to have a big cup of java.”
Friend: *excitedly* “Really? You’re really going to have java? Wow!”
Me: “You realize ‘java’ is just coffee, right?”
Friend: “Oh.”
Me: “What did you think it was?”
Friend: “One of those big fancy drinks with all the fruit and umbrellas.”
(I am working at a popular amusement park. We have this one big roller coaster that has lots of big hills designed to make the rider feel weightless. After riding this roller coaster with his daughter, an elderly man comes up to me.)
Me: “Hello! How was your ride on [Roller Coaster]?”
Guest: “Horrible, actually!”
Me: “I’m sorry to hear that. What can we do better?”
Guest: “Tear down the [Roller Coaster]!”
Me: “Excuse me?”
Guest: “It needs to be torn down because it is super unsafe!”
Me: “We have licensed inspectors from the State of Missouri inspect each of our rides every month, and we inspect our rides daily.”
Guest: “You need better inspectors, then!”
Me: “And why is that?”
Guest: “Because my daughter and I almost flew out of the ride!”
(By this point, the daughter, who is about fifteen, is walking down the exit line.)
Daughter: “Come on, Dad! Let’s go.”
Guest: “Hold on! I’m talking to this little s*** over here.”
Me: “Excuse me, sir?”
Guest: “What the f*** is it?!”
Me: “I’m going to have to ask you to leave the ride.”
Guest: “No! I want to speak to your manager.”
Me: “I’ll go get him. Please wait here to the side of the loading platform of the roller coaster.”
(A conversation goes on between the man and his daughter. The other two ride operators are busy loading the next group of riders into the roller coaster. I take a notepad and a pen from the ride operator’s backpack and go back to the angry guest.)
Me: “I just called the manager.” *I really didn’t* “He wants me to write down some information for you to file a complaint.”
Guest: “I have a complaint to file, all right!”
Me: “What is your name?”
Guest: “[Guest].”
Me: “And what is it you wanted to file a complaint about?”
Guest: “The [Roller Coaster] is super dangerous and needs to be torn down.”
Me: “I can assure you that all of our rides here at [Amusement Park] are completely safe. But why do you feel that [Roller Coaster] violated our policy?”
Guest: “I almost flew out of my seat during that big hill!”
Me: “You know it is supposed to make you feel like that, right? They’re called ‘airtime hills’ and they are designed to make the rider feel weightless.”
Guest: “Wait. What?”
Me: “The [Roller Coaster] has specially designed hills, called ‘airtime hills.’ They are designed to make the rider feel like they are ‘floating’ out of their seat. Each seat is equipped with both seat belts and lap bar restraints, and we have never had a malfunction with the [Roller Coaster]’s restraint systems.”
Guest: “Oh. So… it is supposed to be like that?”
Me: “Yes. The manufacturer of [Roller Coaster] built the track layout specifically for that purpose.”
Guest: “Oh, s***. My bad. I didn’t know. I thought that it was unsafe. I don’t like that ‘floating’ feeling.”
Me: “It’s okay. It is actually a pretty common complaint us ride operators get.”
Guest: “Oh. Thanks for understanding. Can you tell us any rides that don’t have that scary ‘floating’ feeling?”
(I look around the ride platform because you can see some of the other rides from there.)
Me: “I can recommend the [Ride]. It is pretty calm and gentle in nature.”
Guest: “What does it do?”
Me: “It is a river raft ride where you float around the river in small boats.”
Guest: “Okay. And it completely safe?”
Me: “One hundred percent.”
Guest: “Okay.”
(He then walked off with his daughter. Some people are just super dumb.)
(Due to an eye issue, I had to get a shot in my eye. This left what was basically a bruise in the white of my eye. Since the eye is clear, the bruise just looked BLOOD red all in my eye.This is what followed at work)
Me: *standing around at check stand waiting for customer*
Customer lady: *walks up* Do you have pink eye?? You shouldn’t be around people if that’s pink eye.
Customer husband yells: (and I shit you not) JESUS KAREN! YOU CAN’T JUST ASK PEOPLE IF THEY HAVE PINK EYE!
Me:ma’am it’s not pink eye…..
