Me: “Thank you for calling [My Company]. This is [My Name]; how may I help you today?”

Member: “Oh, honey, no. This isn’t gonna work. Transfer me out; your voice is just too squeaky.”

(When I am a small child, I am terrified that there are monsters in my room at night.)

Me: “Mom! There’s a monster under my bed!”

Mom: “Will you knock it off? We go through this every night. There is no monster under your bed. THERE ARE NO SUCH THINGS AS MONSTERS!”

Me: “Mom?”

Mom: “Yes?”

Me: “There’s a gorilla under my bed.”

(She couldn’t tell me there were no such things as gorillas, now could she?)

(I work at a fast food build-your-own-sandwich restaurant.)

Customer: *inquires about a new sandwich that we’ve just begun selling*

Me: “Oh, yes, it’s fantastic. I tried one when we first started selling it so I could give an honest opinion, but unfortunately, I can’t really eat it often because of my diet.”

Customer: “You don’t look like you diet.”

(I had just lost ten pounds and was feeling really proud of myself until she said that.)

(I work in a high end grocery store. I’m usually in the back room. We use speakers to communicate with other coworkers.)

Coworker: *over speaker* Someone from produce to the front for customer assistance.

(I walk to the front and see a man who is talking to himself about how horrible the customer service is here. My coworker tells me this is the man who needs help.)

Man: Yes I’m looking for [product]. Someone told me it would be yesterday and it wasn’t. Then someone told me it would be here by 12 today. It’s 3:00 so it should be here but I don’t see it on the shelf.

Me: Well let’s go look for it!

(We go over to the shelf to look for the product and I figure out what he’s looking for. It’s not on the shelf which means it’s most likely not in the back room, but I always offer to check. Low and behold it’s not in the back room. I ask my manager what to to because this customer has been pretty irrate already and he said just explain the situation and offer to get the customers info and call him when the product arrives.)

Me: Well it looks like [product] wasn’t shipped. It’s most likely because the supplier was out. So–

Man: *cutting me off* Well I think it’s because you’re too incompetent to order it! *storms off*

Me: *speechless*

Me: Well I guess you don’t want me to call you when it gets here…

(My dog breaks a bracelet my long-distance girlfriend gave to me when she visited my area a few months ago. Thankfully, she still has the link for me to buy it online so I can replace it, so I do. I tell my dad that it will be delivered on Wednesday, a day he has off, so he can keep an eye out while I am at work.)

Dad: “So, how much did the bracelet cost, anyway?”

Me: “Oh, it was only nine dollars.”

Dad: “Nine dollars?! That’s so expensive!”

Me: “Dad. There is a middle-ground between a 1k diamond bracelet and the cheapo plastic jewelry you buy out of those dispenser things for a quarter at the roller rink. It’s fairly inexpensive, especially for a bracelet actually made out of gems and not plastic, even if it’s just agates and some lava rock.”

Dad: “Well, okay, when you put it that way…”

(What world does he live in where a nine-dollar bracelet is crazy expensive? Should I be worried about the stuff he’s bought for my mom?)