They’re Not On Good Form Lately

, , , , | Learning | September 24, 2019

(I attend a college that requires every graduate to complete, over the course of their education, four physical education courses. Going into my final semester, I check my credits only to discover that I only have credit for three courses due to completing the same basic PE course in two different semesters. The second course was treated as a re-do and overwrote the grade of the first. Thankfully, the school has forms for this sort of thing. I fill one out and submit it to the correct office and think nothing of it for six weeks, until…)

Me: “Excuse me. I filled out a form to have a PE course counted twice for my credits. This was about a month ago and I just noticed I’m still short on credits.”

Help Desk: “Hmm, I don’t see anything in the system about it. Let me check your student folder.”

(Drawers are opened and folders are shuffled.)

Help Desk: “Nope, I don’t have any form for that. Are you sure it was submitted properly?”

Me: “Yes, I did it right here at this desk.”

(Long story short, they have no history of me submitting this document which included my name, student ID number, and class information. I am not thrilled but I get a new copy, fill it out, and resubmit it. Two weeks later…)

Me: “Hi. I submitted a form to have a PE course counted twice two weeks ago and it isn’t showing up. Could you check your system?”

Help Desk: “I’m not seeing anything in the system. Let me check your student folder. You’re sure it was submitted here, right?”

Me: “Yes, and this is the second time I’ve done this at this desk.”

(Again, no form is found. So, I get another form, fill it out, photocopy it, and submit the original. One week later…)

Me: “Okay, I submitted a form last week for getting a PE course counted twice but it’s not on my account. What is going on with it?”

Help Desk: “I’ve got nothing in the system. Let me check your folder… Yeah, nothing here. Did you–”

(I plop down a photocopy of the form.)

Me: “This is the third time I’ve come here asking when this form is getting counted. What the heck is going on that you’ve lost my paperwork three times?!”

(It finally stuck. If it hadn’t, I would have had to come back for one more semester for a single PE credit!)

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Shocking Predictability

, , , , | Friendly | September 22, 2019

(While living in the dorms, this one guy shows up to my room with an electric stun gun he bought. My roommate immediately begins playing with it, zapping every inanimate object in the room. Five minutes later:)

Roommate: “Yeeeeaaargh!”

Me: “Okay, who saw that coming?”

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In America, We Don’t Use Telepathy To Pass Tests

, , , , , | Learning | September 20, 2019

(I work at a language testing center for people wishing to immigrate to the United States for either academics or work. On this particular testing day, my class is filled with candidates testing for workplace language fluency. The test consists of a reading booklet and a separate sheet — like a scantron — for recording answers.)

Me: “You have five minutes left. Please remember to transfer your answers to the answer sheet if you haven’t already done so.”

(Five minutes pass.)

Me: “That is the end of this test segment. Please put down your pencils and wait for your exams to be collected.”

(I walk around the room.)

Random Lady: “EXCUSE ME!” *waves at me frantically*

(Rushing to her before she blurts out answers, I respond in a hushed whisper.)

Me: “Yes?”

Random Lady: “I JUST NEED TO FINISH. I HAVE THE ANSWERS BUT I DID NOT HAVE TIME TO WRITE THEM DOWN!”

Me: “Um… Well, the test is over now, so we aren’t allowed to let you continue writing.”

Random Lady: “WHAT?! BUT MY ANSWERS ARE UP HERE IN MY HEAD!” *violently stabs her forehead with the eraser side of her pencil* “AND NOT ON THE PAPER! Do you think the examiner will know what I meant even though I didn’t write it?!”

Me: “Umm… No, ma’am, I’m sorry. If you left it blank, the examiners won’t know your answers.”

Random Lady: “Why not?!”

Me: *pause* “Because they cannot read your mind…?” 

Random Lady: “THAT’S WHY YOU HAVE TO LET ME WRITE THEM!”

Me: “I did let you write them. You’ve had the past hour to write them down. I’m sorry…”

Random Lady: “But I was thinking. Have you never thought a thought before?!”

Me: “…”

Random Lady: “UGH! YOU PEOPLE ARE GOING TO LET ME FAIL! YOU’D BETTER HOPE GOD TELLS THE EXAMINER MY HEAD ANSWERS!” *storms off*

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Maybe An Attempt at Dry Humor?

, , , , , | Friendly | September 17, 2019

(It is normal here for girls to carry lotion in their bags and offer some to all the other girls with them every time they use it. Several of my male friends have recently started asking for some, and now we all offer to the girls AND the guys, usually without laughing. One of my friends uses her lotion, and this conversation follows:)

Female Friend: “Do you want lotion for your face? It’s super dry…” *unintelligible*

Male Friend: “What?”

Female Friend: “Do you want lotion? For your face? It’s really dry.”

Male Friend: “Did you say gross?”

Female Friend: “What? Don’t be ridiculous. I mean, I could say it if you want. Gross. Your face is gross. It’s so dry.”

Male Friend: “Rude.”

Female Friend: “Okay, sorry! Do you want lotion for your dry face?”

Male Friend: *look*

Female Friend: “Oh, my gosh! Okay, do you want lotion for your not-very-moisturized face?”

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Same Cast, Different Script

, , , , , , | Learning | September 15, 2019

(A few weeks before starting my third year of college, I have a major ankle surgery and I am naturally in a cast and on crutches when the school year begins. The dorm building I am living in has a schedule of fire drills for the year posted in the main entryway, so all residents know when the fire drills will happen. The day of the first fire drill arrives and it is pouring rain. In the morning, I talk to one of the Resident Advisors [RA #1] and show him the impossible-to-miss cast on my leg. He emails the university housing department for guidance, and the housing department replies that as long as I can get to the main entrance, I will be granted an exception from having to go outside. When the fire alarm goes off, I get to the main entrance, where [RA #2] is shouting at the top of his lungs.)

RA #2: “Come on, hurry up! Get outside, people!”

Me: *hobbling down the hallway on my crutches* “Hey, [RA #2], I’m here.”

RA #2: “Get outside! We can’t count this drill as a pass if you don’t get outside!”

Me: “I should have an exception from the housing department saying I only needed to get to the main entrance for today. You should have gotten an email about it, or you can ask [RA #1].”

RA #2: “I don’t care what the email said, and I don’t care what [RA #1] says! You need to get outside! What would you do if we had an actual fire right now?”

Me: “For a real fire, I would obviously be outside, but we all know this is a drill. I’m not going outside and ruining my cast for a drill. Talk to the housing department if you have a problem with it.”

RA #2: “We can’t pass the fire drill if you don’t get outside!”

Me: “All right, then do you mind if I go back up to my dorm to grab a garbage bag? If I’m going to go outside, I need something waterproof to wrap around my cast.”

RA #2: *now screaming in my face* “We can’t go back into the building! JUST GET OUTSIDE!”

Me: *shoving him back with my crutch* “Okay, here’s the deal. I’ll go outside, but I’m informing you now that I’ll be charging you the cost of my cast replacement since you’re refusing to follow a written instruction from the housing department granting me an exception from going outside today. You’ll hear from my family’s attorney after I get the bill for the cast replacement.”

RA #2: *somehow only now noticing my cast for the first time* “Oh. You’re in a cast? Then… I guess… you can stay inside this time, since it’s only a drill.”

Me: “Thank you!”

(I still sent in an official complaint to the housing department about [RA #2]. He received a pretty heavy talking-to for the incident, and he completely avoided me for the rest of the year.)

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