Deadly Debating

, , , , , | Learning | November 14, 2017

(My English professor is going over the instructions on a persuasive essay.)

Professor: “You need to acknowledge your opposition — and if you’ve chosen a good, debatable topic, there will be opposition — and you’ve got to be civil about it. As much as you might hate the other side, you can’t just kill everybody who disagrees with you.”

Student: “Is that a challenge?”

Mom Hates It When Birds Leave The Nest

, , , , , | Related | November 13, 2017

(I am living on my own for the first time, and I’m talking to my mom on the phone while walking back from getting groceries. My mom is being a mom, telling me about how much she worries about me.)

Me: “Mom, I’m fine. I’m really liking school and I’m perfectly sa–”

(Just then, something comes at me and I see it out of the corner of my eye. I scream and duck down, just in time to miss the seagull that’s just dive-bombed me. I would like to point out that I had no idea birds do this when you walk by their nests and I didn’t know there was a nest in the car-lot I was walking past. Not knowing these things, it’s incredibly hard for me to explain this to my mom.)

Mom: “What? WHAT HAPPENED? Are you all right?”

Me: “I’m fine, Mom, but you’re not going to believe this. This–”

(As I’m about to explain this, the seagull turns around, facing me with evil, yellow eyes, and lets out the biggest battle cry it can muster as it prepares to dive again.)


(I hung up my phone and booked it out of there. Needless to say, I did not help my mom feel more secure.)

They Were Gunning For An “A”

, , , , , , , | Learning | November 10, 2017

(The UK has very strict gun laws. One day, there are police everywhere and helicopters in the sky. Social media informs me that two people were spotted with guns. The next Monday when I’m in my films and media class…)

Teacher: “Before we start, I just want to thank you guys for being so eager to do your coursework. Next time, though, please alert both the college and the police if you’re going to be filming with realistic replica firearms.”

(He looked pointedly at two of my classmates. I think we know who caused the stir.)

Do You Have The Balls To Take My Test?

, , , , , , , | Learning | November 10, 2017

(Our accounting professor gave out weekly quizzes which he called “quizzees.”)

Student: *after the first “quizzee”* “If these are your quizzees, I don’t want to see your testees.”

(Cue laughter and embarrassment.)

Collared Into A Conversation About Football

, , , , | Learning | November 10, 2017

(In anatomy and physiology lab we are learning about the skeletal structure.)

Professor: “And this is the collar bone. Which quarterback broke his this past weekend?”

Me: “Aaron Rodgers.”

Professor: “Yeah, so, basically, the Packers are screwed for the season.”

(The professor then goes on a rant about why Rodgers is out for the season, and about recovery of collar bone breaks.)

Professor: “You know, since the Packers’ season is over, we should be, too. Class dismissed.”

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