In America, We Don’t Use Telepathy To Pass Tests

, , , , , | Learning | September 20, 2019

(I work at a language testing center for people wishing to immigrate to the United States for either academics or work. On this particular testing day, my class is filled with candidates testing for workplace language fluency. The test consists of a reading booklet and a separate sheet — like a scantron — for recording answers.)

Me: “You have five minutes left. Please remember to transfer your answers to the answer sheet if you haven’t already done so.”

(Five minutes pass.)

Me: “That is the end of this test segment. Please put down your pencils and wait for your exams to be collected.”

(I walk around the room.)

Random Lady: “EXCUSE ME!” *waves at me frantically*

(Rushing to her before she blurts out answers, I respond in a hushed whisper.)

Me: “Yes?”

Random Lady: “I JUST NEED TO FINISH. I HAVE THE ANSWERS BUT I DID NOT HAVE TIME TO WRITE THEM DOWN!”

Me: “Um… Well, the test is over now, so we aren’t allowed to let you continue writing.”

Random Lady: “WHAT?! BUT MY ANSWERS ARE UP HERE IN MY HEAD!” *violently stabs her forehead with the eraser side of her pencil* “AND NOT ON THE PAPER! Do you think the examiner will know what I meant even though I didn’t write it?!”

Me: “Umm… No, ma’am, I’m sorry. If you left it blank, the examiners won’t know your answers.”

Random Lady: “Why not?!”

Me: *pause* “Because they cannot read your mind…?” 

Random Lady: “THAT’S WHY YOU HAVE TO LET ME WRITE THEM!”

Me: “I did let you write them. You’ve had the past hour to write them down. I’m sorry…”

Random Lady: “But I was thinking. Have you never thought a thought before?!”

Me: “…”

Random Lady: “UGH! YOU PEOPLE ARE GOING TO LET ME FAIL! YOU’D BETTER HOPE GOD TELLS THE EXAMINER MY HEAD ANSWERS!” *storms off*

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Maybe An Attempt at Dry Humor?

, , , , , | Friendly | September 17, 2019

(It is normal here for girls to carry lotion in their bags and offer some to all the other girls with them every time they use it. Several of my male friends have recently started asking for some, and now we all offer to the girls AND the guys, usually without laughing. One of my friends uses her lotion, and this conversation follows:)

Female Friend: “Do you want lotion for your face? It’s super dry…” *unintelligible*

Male Friend: “What?”

Female Friend: “Do you want lotion? For your face? It’s really dry.”

Male Friend: “Did you say gross?”

Female Friend: “What? Don’t be ridiculous. I mean, I could say it if you want. Gross. Your face is gross. It’s so dry.”

Male Friend: “Rude.”

Female Friend: “Okay, sorry! Do you want lotion for your dry face?”

Male Friend: *look*

Female Friend: “Oh, my gosh! Okay, do you want lotion for your not-very-moisturized face?”

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Same Cast, Different Script

, , , , , , | Learning | September 15, 2019

(A few weeks before starting my third year of college, I have a major ankle surgery and I am naturally in a cast and on crutches when the school year begins. The dorm building I am living in has a schedule of fire drills for the year posted in the main entryway, so all residents know when the fire drills will happen. The day of the first fire drill arrives and it is pouring rain. In the morning, I talk to one of the Resident Advisors [RA #1] and show him the impossible-to-miss cast on my leg. He emails the university housing department for guidance, and the housing department replies that as long as I can get to the main entrance, I will be granted an exception from having to go outside. When the fire alarm goes off, I get to the main entrance, where [RA #2] is shouting at the top of his lungs.)

RA #2: “Come on, hurry up! Get outside, people!”

Me: *hobbling down the hallway on my crutches* “Hey, [RA #2], I’m here.”

RA #2: “Get outside! We can’t count this drill as a pass if you don’t get outside!”

Me: “I should have an exception from the housing department saying I only needed to get to the main entrance for today. You should have gotten an email about it, or you can ask [RA #1].”

RA #2: “I don’t care what the email said, and I don’t care what [RA #1] says! You need to get outside! What would you do if we had an actual fire right now?”

Me: “For a real fire, I would obviously be outside, but we all know this is a drill. I’m not going outside and ruining my cast for a drill. Talk to the housing department if you have a problem with it.”

RA #2: “We can’t pass the fire drill if you don’t get outside!”

Me: “All right, then do you mind if I go back up to my dorm to grab a garbage bag? If I’m going to go outside, I need something waterproof to wrap around my cast.”

RA #2: *now screaming in my face* “We can’t go back into the building! JUST GET OUTSIDE!”

Me: *shoving him back with my crutch* “Okay, here’s the deal. I’ll go outside, but I’m informing you now that I’ll be charging you the cost of my cast replacement since you’re refusing to follow a written instruction from the housing department granting me an exception from going outside today. You’ll hear from my family’s attorney after I get the bill for the cast replacement.”

RA #2: *somehow only now noticing my cast for the first time* “Oh. You’re in a cast? Then… I guess… you can stay inside this time, since it’s only a drill.”

Me: “Thank you!”

(I still sent in an official complaint to the housing department about [RA #2]. He received a pretty heavy talking-to for the incident, and he completely avoided me for the rest of the year.)

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Unfiltered Story #161874

, , | Unfiltered | August 31, 2019

(At the particular place in the cafeteria where I like to eat, you tell the person behind the counter what you want, they circle it on an order pad, and hang it up for the cooks to see. The people who write the orders also do the cooking if there aren’t very many coworkers on duty.)

Me: “I’d like a grilled cheese on wheat, please.”

(The cook hesitates and stares at the pad for at least a minute. The longer it goes on, the more panicked he begins to look. After a while, I decide to help him out and point to where GRILLED CHEESE is written.)

Cook: *circling my order* “Oh, thank you! One moment, please.”

(He hangs up the order for his coworker and comes back to wait for other kids. Since it’s before the lunch rush, though, I’m the only one there, and I decide to make small talk.)

Me: “Are you new?”

Cook: “Yeah, just started an hour ago.”

Me: “You looked kind of freaked out there.”

Cook: *sheepish* “I’ve heard stories from the others.”

(I can only imagine; just a few weeks ago, a girl threw a tantrum in the middle of the cafeteria because she couldn’t get a vegan grilled cheese sandwich, which this particular cafeteria does not offer.)

Me: “Vegan grilled cheese girl?”

Cook: “Among other things.”

(At that point, my sandwich is done, and I have to go.)

Me: *waving* “Well, good luck with the job!”

Cook: *waving back* “Thanks! I’m going to need it!”

(About a week later, I run into him during a slow hour; he’s the only one working the kitchen, so that means he both takes my order and makes my food. I order another grilled cheese sandwich before deciding to chat some more.)

Me: “You know what would be really cool? If you guys allowed the option to put vegetables or something on the sandwiches.”

Cook: *grins* “Yeah, that does sound pretty good.”

Me: “Anyway, how’s the job been?”

Cook: *peering at me* “Oh! You’re the girl from last week!”

Me: “Um, I guess so?”

Cook: “Okay, one moment, let me get your food ready.”

(After a few minutes, my sandwich is done.)

Me: “Thanks a lot!”

Cook: “Hey, no problem. It’s always nice to see a friendly face.”

(I take the sandwich and go back to my dorm to eat. When I unwrap it and bite into it, I discover he put diced tomatoes and onions in it! Just that little gesture made me tear up a little bit; thank you, whatever your name is! Your special sandwich was delicious and kept me smiling for the rest of the day!)

She’ll Have Cold Dead Eyes In The Morning

, , , , | Friendly | August 30, 2019

My roommate has started sleepwalking at night when she gets stressed. We started calling the sleeping persona Sleeping Roommate, and Sleeping Roommate is not very polite. She has entered other rooms to stare at us while we sleep, and slapped herself awake more than once. 

One night while I’m in the living room/kitchen area studying, Sleeping Roommate enters the kitchen, looks me in the eye, and puts her glasses in the refrigerator. Then she says, “This is really gonna piss me off in the morning.” 

Surprise: it does.

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