Fishing For Funding

, , , | Learning | April 2, 2021

I’m walking across campus when I pass by a group of sorority sisters who seem to have spread out some DIY carnival games for a fundraiser.

Girl #1: “Hey! Do you want to play? Or, uh, donate? Please?”

Before I can respond, another one of the girls suddenly pops up from behind their table and enthusiastically presents me with a clear plastic bag with an actual fish inside it.

Girl #2: “Do you wanna win a fish?!”

Me: “What the h*** would I do with a fish?”

Girl #2: *Pauses* “Yeah, that’s fair.”

I could see that they had several goldfish all bagged up. Poor fishies. I hope they all ended up with at least somewhat responsible owners.

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GPS: Great Practitioners Of Stupidity, Part 7

, , , | Right | March 31, 2021

I work at a department of a college that offers programs and events for the community, so a lot of people who attend our events have never been on the campus before. I have this phone conversation several times a month.

Customer: “I’m going to something at [building] tomorrow. What is your address?”

Me: “We’re located at [address], but that address is for the entire college campus. A GPS will bring you to the opposite end of the campus from [building], so you’ll have to…”

I give detailed directions.

Customer: “So, I just have to put [address] into my GPS and it will take me there?”

Me: *Head-desk*

GPS: Great Practitioners Of Stupidity, Part 6
GPS: Great Practitioners Of Stupidity, Part 5
GPS: Great Practitioners Of Stupidity, Part 4
GPS: Great Practitioners Of Stupidity, Part 3
GPS: Great Practitioners Of Stupidity, Part 2

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In Her Defense, Some People Do Put That In Their Coffee

, , , , , | Right | March 30, 2021

I have to attend morning lectures for a class that isn’t part of my program but is needed to fill out the degree. These lectures are usually brutal not only for the early start time, but for the hour and a half of bussing required to get me there.

This particular morning I am in luck, as the usual line at the ubiquitous-to-my-country coffee shop on campus is empty. I walk up to the barista, exchange the usual pleasantries — automatic at such unethically early hours — and then confidently place my order.

Me: “I’d like a large double-double, toasted with butter, please.”

The barista started punching it in before she stopped, stared at her screen for a second, and asked why I wanted butter in my coffee. I’d messed up my usual order and forgotten the bagel!

At least we both started the day off with a laugh. Don’t do morning lectures, kids!

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A Hot Take So Hot It Melts Steel Beams

, , , , , | Learning | March 27, 2021

I’m in college, and I recently overheard this in class.

Student: “How could 9/11 have been an inside job if the planes came from outside the building?”

How did you manage to get in here?

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She’s A Real Print-cess

, , , , | Working | March 22, 2021

I’ve been at my part-time job for seven or eight months, so I’m still new, but not brand new. I have just printed some things from my computer at my desk and head over to the department printer, located in a small room near the secretary’s desk. The secretary is on the phone as I walk by. Some of my pages were printed before the printer ran out of paper. I grab a new package of paper, open it, and open the paper drawer, and then the secretary bursts in.

Secretary: “What are you doing?! Don’t touch that!”

Me: “Oh! I’m just… It’s out of paper. I’m putting more in.”

Secretary: “That’s my job! Get away! You’ll break it!”

Me: “No, it’s okay. I know how to do this; we had the same printer at my old job.”

Secretary: “This. Is. My. Job. If you break the printer, you’ll be in trouble!”

Me: “It’s… just paper. It’s not hard.”

Secretary: “Give me that and go away!”

She takes the fresh paper out of my hand and starts to load the paper tray. It takes her a few times to get the paper in right.

Secretary: “See? Only I know how to do it right. You’d break the printer.”

And she stomped back to her desk and her phone call.

The irony is that every time I asked her to do something that was her job, she ignored me. The one time I could do something for myself, she wouldn’t let me. Fortunately, she retired a few months after that and her replacement was excellent!

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