Which Stings More? The Chilis Or The Shame?

, , , , , | Friendly | January 22, 2021

While at university in the 1990s, I am flat-sharing with a couple of other chaps. I am studying in my room and can hear the sound of rhythmic chopping from the kitchen. The sound stops, shortly followed by a cry of pain. I dash to the kitchen with the thought that my flatmate has done himself a mischief with the knife. I arrived to see my flatmate with a weeping eye.

Me: “Are you okay?”

Flatmate: “I was cutting some chilis and rubbed my eye! F***, it hurts!”

Me: *Suppressing laughter* “You numpty. I’ve got some hayfever eye drops in the bathroom cabinet. They might take the sting out of it.”

A couple of minutes later, there is a scream from the bathroom. I make my way to the bathroom and knock on the door.

Flatmate: “F***, f***, f***…”

Me: “You all right in there, mate?”

Flatmate: *Pained* “No. I decided to use the toilet while I was in here…”

Me: “And you didn’t think to wash the chilis off your hands first?”

Flatmate: *Still pained* “No.”

Me: “I’ve heard milk is supposed to take the heat out of it. Shall I get you glass to dip into?”

His reply would have made a sailor blush. He eventually left the bathroom with a towel wrapped around his waist, holding it away from his crotch. For the rest of the day, I couldn’t look at him without giggling.

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What Subject Do You Teach? Just Curious.

, , , , | Friendly | January 12, 2021

I am in college and I’m trying to find a parking spot. Once I find one and park, a lady in the car in front of me swings her door open and starts yelling at me.  

Lady: “You hit my car!”

Me: *Calmly* “No, ma’am, I did not.”

Lady: “Yes, you did! Do I need to get the police involved? I will call them. You’re going to make me late to the class I have to teach!”

Me: “You are welcome to call the police if you feel the need to, but I can assure you that I did not hit your vehicle.”

Lady: “Oh, yeah?! How are you so sure?!”

I point to the cement post for the streetlight directly in front of my car.

Me: “Because if I had, my front bumper on the passenger side would be completely smushed in.”

The lady realizes there’s no way I could have actually hit her car.

Lady: “Well… I… Uh… Well, I guess since there’s no damage to my car, I’ll leave it this time and won’t call the police.”

She walked off toward the building and I moved my car to a different area just in case.

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Welcome To The 1950s!

, , , , , | Learning | January 11, 2021

I’m a female senior in college, and I’m majoring in a business-related field. I’m in a human resource management class. We’re learning about Title VII in the workplace.

Professor: “Any questions so far?”

A male student raises his hand. Our professor nods at him.

Guy #1: “Can we just admit that there are some jobs women shouldn’t do?”

All us girls start to protest. The professor shushes us.

Professor: “Not yet, ladies. Explain your reasoning, [Guy #1], and then I’m opening the floor for discussion.”

Guy #1: “Like, women should be nurses and kindergarten teachers and stay-at-home moms and s*** like that. There are some jobs they should leave for men, that are traditionally done by men.”

Every girl in the class is waving her hand in the air frantically. The professor points at me.

Professor: “All right, we’re gonna have a discussion. [Guy #1], remember that you started this. [My Name], thoughts?”

Me: “We’re all business-related majors here, right? Business is a field normally dominated by men. Look around. Half the class is female. Are you saying that we should not be here?” 

Guy #1: “No, of course not. Women can be in business, but not as, like, managers. That’s a guy thing. We need administrative assistants and crap like that.”

Our professor groans and facepalms.

Me: “See, that’s faulty logic, and a violation of federal regulations. Women can be in business, but not as managers? Anyone else wanna jump in here?”

Girl #1: “I will! So, [Guy #1], according to you, we should just toddle off to a stereotypical ‘female’ job?”

Guy #1: “That’s not what I said!”

The room erupts.

Girl #2: “OH, YES, YOU DID!”

Guy #1: “Okay, but I didn’t mean it like that.”

Girl #3: “Do you seriously think you’re gonna survive in the workplace with an attitude like that?”

Me: “What are you gonna do if you have a female manager? Tell her she’s not supposed to be there? I’d love to see that!”

[Guy #1] turns to [Guy #2], who is a friend of mine.

Guy #1: “[Guy #2]! Help me!”

Guy #2: *Laughs* “Nope. [My Name] got you. You’re screwed.”

Guy #1: *Whines* “Dr. [Professor]! Tell them to stop!”

Our professor has her hands over her face. I can’t tell if she’s shaking her head or laughing. Finally, she motions for quiet.

Professor: “[Guy #1], this is a Human Resources class. What you said today violates multiple federal regulations. You keep talking like that when you enter the workforce, you will not be employable, and your name will be in an HR lawsuit. Got it? Good. Now, let’s move on…”

[Guy #1] scowled and didn’t say a word in class again for a week.

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Irritable Buddy Syndrome?

, , , , , | Friendly | January 5, 2021

I am not deaf, but my mother is. Both she and my hearing father taught me sign language from an early age. When I start university, [Housemate #1] finds this out, and I teach her some basic signs.

About a month into the first term, [Housemate #2] comes running up to me after I get home late.

Housemate #2: “[My Name]! I heard from [Housemate #1] that you’ve been teaching her IBS!

Me: *Very tired* “I’m… sorry?”

Housemate #2: “Could you teach me some? I’m a quick learner!”

Me: “Teach you some…”

Housemate #2: “IBS!”

Me: “I don’t… What?”

[Housemate #2] is getting steadily more irritated.

Housemate #2: “IBS! I-B-S! I… B… SSSSS!”

[Housemate #1] comes racing down the hallway toward us.

Housemate #1: “BSL! SHE MEANS BSL!”

Housemate #2: “Wait… What was I saying?”

She actually ended up being quite a quick learner, as promised, and when my parents visited, she was able to talk to my mum quite well! I still sometimes tease her by asking her if she’s practiced her IBS.

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We’re Guessing It Wasn’t Anatomy Class

, , , , , | Learning | January 4, 2021

I’m walking behind two guys toward the sunrise after an 8:00 am class one day.

Guy #1: Man, the sun is really bright.”

Guy #2: “Yeah, it feels like it’s burning my rectums.”

Guy #1: “Yeah.”

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