Not-So-Smart-Phone, Part 13

| Working | December 14, 2013

(My two-month-old phone has suddenly and permanently frozen. As it’s still under warranty, I go to the store to replace it.)

Me: “Hello. My phone is broken.”

Employee: “Oh, dear. It is. Well, because it’s still under warranty, we’ll order a new one for you and notify you when it arrives in the shop.”

Me: “Really? That’s great. Thank you.”

(I fill out the forms and take my old broken phone home with me. About a month passes and I haven’t received a single letter or e-mail from the phone shop. I take an extra long break from work and run over there.)

Me: “Hi, sorry. I’m here about a replacement phone? Mine isn’t working, and hasn’t been working for a while.”

Employee: “Did you fill out the forms?”

Me: “I have them all here, along with my old phone.”

Employee: “Oh, this. Your phone came in about three weeks ago.”

Me: “Three weeks?! Why didn’t you notify me?”

Employee: “We did. We sent you a text message.”

Me: “…wait, what?”

Employee: “We texted you several times that your phone had arrived.”

Me: “You texted me? But my phone’s broken!”

Employee: “We sent you notification. I don’t understand why it took you so long—”

Me: “Ma’am, my phone is broken. How am I supposed to receive, let alone read a text message?! I can’t use my phone! That’s why I’m getting a new one! How was I supposed to know it had arrived?!”

(The employee pauses, thinks about it, then gives a huge shrug.)

Employee: “We sent you a message. You should have come sooner.”


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Phoned In Bad Customers

| Right | October 25, 2013

(My phone is old and has stopped working, so I’ve taken it in to get it replaced. The clerk and I have had to switch registers twice now because of a malfunction. I find it amusing and he keeps thanking me for being patient.)

Clerk: “I’m sorry about how long this is taking.”

Me: “It’s no problem. I work with computers every day. I know how finicky they can be.”

Clerk: “You would be surprised at how mean people can get.”

(I am about to tell him I know because I worked retail to get through college. As if on cue, a customer storms into the store and begins yelling.)

Customer: “Where are your mice?! [Other Store] sent me over here because all they have are Chinese mice, and I want a good mouse!”

Assistant Manager: “Sir, this is [cell store]. We don’t sell mice.”

Customer: “The b**** at [Other Store] said this store had them! Where is [Office Supply Store]?!”

Assistant Manager: “I don’t know, sir. I’m only a temporary employee here. I don’t live in this area. I’m sorry.”

Customer: “D*** right you are!”

(I am fed up, and attempt to keep this customer from berating the employees more.)

Me: “The [Office Supply Store] is just down this road next to another [Cellphone Store].”

(I proceed to give the customer directions, and he leaves in a huff without a thank you. Another customer chimes in shortly after he leaves.)

Customer #2: “Now everyone, turn to the person next to you and thank the good Lord that they aren’t like that man.”

(The store erupts in laughter. The clerk goes back over my account and found a bunch of discounts for me!)

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Requires More (Water) Proof

| Right | October 16, 2013

(It’s raining out. I am watching the rain through the window and notice a guy on his cell phone. Then I see him shake his head and look at his phone. He looks up and sees my store and starts heading in.)

Customer: “My phone just stopped working! I need my phone. I was on a business call and it just stopped working!”

Me: “Maybe it got wet and has water damage. Let me—”

Customer: “I have never gotten my phone wet! It does not have any water damage!”

Me: “Sir, I just saw you talking on your phone in the pouring rain.”

Customer: “So what?! Rain isn’t going to water damage a phone!”

Me: “Sir, rain is water. If I may see your—”

Customer: “You don’t know what you’re talking about! I guess I’ll have to go somewhere else to get service!”

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Say No To A CEO

| Right | July 18, 2013

(I am alone when an older man walks in from the cold.)

Customer: “So, where is it!?”

Me: “The new Blackberry? Right there on display!”

Customer: “How much is it?”

Me: “It is [price] on a three-year term.”

Customer: “But without a plan?”

Me: “Well, we only do term plans.”

Customer: “Oh, okay.”

(He starts to leave, and has one hand on the door and starts to push it open. Suddenly, he turns back to me.)

Customer: “At what monthly rate?”

Me: “Well, they start at [price].”

Customer: “What does that give!? Seven-Bajillion minutes!? I am [name], the CEO of [Wholesale Warehouse]. You don’t know who walks through those doors! It’s your job to create interest in the product!”

Me: “Sir, you were not interested in obtaining a plan, and were halfway out the door.”

Customer: “You have to keep me in the store! You’re f****** terrible!”

Me: “Excuse me!?”

Customer: “What? Excuse me what!?”

Me: “You swore at me. I don’t accept that.”

Customer: “F***! F***! This is Canada! I can swear all the f*** I want! I stayed at Richard Branson’s private island! You are f****** incompetent! You can’t do your f****** job, and are f****** horrible at it too! I don’t know what the f*** you are doing here!”

Me: “Leave. Now.”

Customer: “Not like I was going to stay!”

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Got To Give The Old Guy Some Credit

| Romantic | June 26, 2013

(We run credit checks on people who want to sign contracts. Bad credit just means that someone has to prepay a few months of service.)

Divorcee: “I just went through an ugly divorce. I’m bankrupt because the b**** took everything. How much do I have to pay to get a phone?”

(I run a credit check.)

Me: “Well, the bankruptcy hasn’t affected your credit, so you won’t have to prepay a cent.”

Divorcee: “Wow, that’s ever so sweet of you. Do you have a boyfriend?”

Me: “No. I’m not interested in dating right now.”

Divorcee: “Well, I’m going to take you out, then.”

Me: “I actually don’t date customers, but thanks for the offer.”

Divorcee: “Oh, well I won’t buy from you then.”

Me: “I’ve already gotten everything processed for you; here you are.”

Divorcee: “So, why won’t you date me?”

Me: “Well, I think I’m a little young for you.”

Divorcee: “How old is your dad?”

(I check his ID from the credit check.)

Me: “Two years younger than you.”

Divorcee: “Well, I’ve got your card so I’ll call tomorrow and find out when you’re free for dinner.”

Me: “I’m not here tomorrow.”

Divorcee: “Then I’ll call the next day.”

Me: “I’m not here then.”

Divorcee: “Okay, I’ll call the day after. I’ll keep calling every day.”

Me: “I’m sorry, but that won’t work.”

(He finally turns to leave the store, but turns around at the doors and calls into the store full of people.)

Divorcee: “Okay! I’ll call you in a couple of days about dinner. It’ll be the best thing you ever do!”

(Older than my dad, bankrupt, and divorced? Nope!)

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