Disconnected From Reality

, | Right | February 2, 2016

(I am doing troubleshooting over the phone with a woman whose office phone is acting up.)

Me: “So, I’m going to get you to reboot your phone. All you need to do is unplug the cable in the back of the base.”

Customer: “This data cable?”

Me: “Yes, that’s the one, but don’t do it yet or we’ll be disconnect— Hello? Hello?”

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Credit Them With That Stupid Idea

| Working | January 14, 2016

(My friend has ordered a phone. The store has told her it would be ready for her, and when she gets there they had already sold it.)

Cashier: “You could always just order another one online and wait for a refund for this one.”

Customer: “I don’t exactly have $600 sitting around just waiting to be spent on anything I want.”

Cashier: “Why not?”

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Hiding In Plain Sight

, | Right | December 16, 2015

(I manage an authorized retail location for a major cellphone company.)

Me: *to customer coming in the store* “Hello! How can we help you today?”

Customer: “I need to start new cellphone service.”

Me: “Great! Let’s just go over to my desk so I can get some information from you to get started.”

Customer: “I am so glad to not have to deal with those jerks at [Company we sell service for].”

Me: “Um, you are dealing with one of said jerks right now…”

Customer: “You mean this isn’t [Competitor with a completely different log, color scheme, and name]?”

Me: “No, sir, sorry.”

Customer: “Well, HOW DARE YOU DISGUISE YOURSELF AS [Competitor]!” *storms out*

Me: *to coworker* “You would think the four-foot letters over the door, the sign right there on the wall, the logos everywhere, and my name badge would have been enough…”

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The Color Of Frustration

| Working | November 24, 2015

(I need to buy a new smartphone and I’m set on a particular brand. It becomes apparent early on that the employee is not the brightest bulb but we get through the data package discussion:)

Employee: “Right, all that is left to do is to choose a phone. You certain you want a [Brand]?”

Me: “Absolutely.”

Employee: “Okay, there are three colours you can have: white, blue, or pink.”

Me: “Go for white.”

Employee: *doesn’t even check her computer* “I’m sorry we are sold out of white.”

Me: “Okay, then it’ll have to be blue.”

Employee: “Sold out of that too, I’m afraid.”

Me: “So the only colour you have is pink?”

Employee: “No, that’s sold out as well.”

Me: “So I can’t get my phone here?”

Employee: “No, you can. You just need to choose a colour: white, blue, or pink.”

Me: “But you are sold out…”

Employee: “Yes, that’s correct.”

Me: “How am I supposed to buy if it’s not in stock?”

Employee: “You just choose a colour.”

Me: *getting frustrated* “Well, I clearly can’t as you don’t have anything!”

Employee: “You didn’t say you wanted something that was in stock!”

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Jumps Straight To Red Alert

| Right | November 2, 2015

Woman: *slams a phone on the counter* “You’re going to block her, right now!”

Me: “Uh… Welcome to [Store], ma’am. Can I help you?”

Woman: *very slowly* “You’re… going… to… block… her… noooowww.”

Me: “Yes, ma’am, I got that the first time. Who am I blocking and why?”

Woman: “Amber! She keeps calling my husband and I think he’s meeting her on the side! I want her blocked! I’ll pay you double if you trace her.”

Me: “Ma’am, we don’t trace people here. I don’t think it’s possible or even legal for us to do so, even if we could. May I see the number?”

(She pulls it up in her history and I feel a part of me die inside.)

Me: “Ma’am… that’s an Amber Alert.”

Woman: “I know! BLOCK HER NOW!”

Me: “Ma’am, an Amber Alert is a nationwide message sent to all phones telling people to be on the lookout for abducted children. You probably have one, too.”

Woman: “Isn’t she just stalking me?”

Me: “No, ma’am. She’s telling you to currently be on the lookout for a missing little girl named [Child’s Name], taken in a white Subaru about a day ago. The Amber Alert is not trying to steal your husband.”

(After much coaxing, the woman left, still skeptical and still eyeing her phone suspiciously. My coworkers still laugh about it.)

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