I used to be a cashier at a chain pet store. One day, a man came in and purchased our coupon booklet along with pretty much everything you need when you first get a dog. He came to my register and started unloading everything.

I noticed that my manager was hanging around nearby, but I didn’t know why until the man got closer. A smell followed him that was unlike anything I’d ever known. I stepped back before realizing I had nowhere to go, so I stepped forward again.

Me: “Hi, how are you?”

Man: *Smiling lazily* “Good, good. How are you?”

Me: “Can’t complain. Do you have a store card?”

Man: “Nah, but I got a puppy.” *Gestures at his purchases* “See? I’m all set up.”

Me: “Oh, that’s great! What kind?”

Man: “A, uhh… I don’t know. A mixed kind.”

Me: “How nice. Mixed breeds are often the best of whatever breeds they are.”

Man: “Nice. Nice.”

I kept scanning his items in silence, watching him sway and stare into space. I made eye contact with my manager, who gave me the “Okay?” sign with her hand. I gave a slight shrug and nodded.

Me: “Okay, your total is [hundreds of dollars].”

Man: “Okay, I have a card here.”

He tried to hand me his card but dropped it.

Man: “Whoops! Butterfingers.”

Me: “No worries; it happens.”

I slid his card for him, even though the card reader was facing him.

Me: “Just follow the prompts there and you’re good to go! Have a great day, and congratulations on your new dog!”

Man: “Thanks, man!”

My manager came over, barely holding in her laughter.

Me: “What?”

Manager: “You didn’t smell him?”

Me: “Yeah… I guess?”

Manager: “He was high as a kite! I’m surprised you’re not feeling anything.”

I had never smelled marijuana before.

Me: “Oh. I think I’m good?”

Manager: “All right, well, if you get hungry or start giggling, just let me know.”

I didn’t feel anything from the visit, but I did come in a few days later to find that the entire purchase had been returned. Apparently, the man came back down and realized he didn’t even have a dog.

I was on a shopping trip for a party, gathering various decorations and treats, when a complete stranger suddenly approached my cart.

Stranger: “Oh, what do you have here?”

She then reached in and started pawing through the items in my cart.

Me: “Hey, please don’t!”

She gave me an arch look.

Stranger: “I was just looking!”

Unable to help myself, I said the following in the sort of tone I use with my kindergarten students.

Me: “We look with our eyes, not with our hands.”

The lady pulled back, looking gobsmacked, and I pulled my cart away, leaving her staring after me.

I catch the end of a rather angry conversation while standing in line at a shop. A woman is looking at something on a shelf. An employee happens to be taking things out of a box and putting them on a shelf nearby. I guess the employee has given the woman the standard greeting at this shop, “Hello! How are you today? Can I help you find something?”

Woman: “You’re bothering me! I know it’s because you want me to buy something! Stop following me! I told you, I’m just looking!”

Employee: “Yes, ma’am, all right. You let us know if you have any questions.”

Woman: “I WON’T! I WON’T LET YOU KNOW! BECAUSE I’M JUST LOOKING!”

Employee: “Yes, ma’am.”

Woman: “STOP FOLLOWING ME! I’M JUST LOOKING!”

Employee: “Ma’am, I’m reorganizing. I just happen to be doing it by you, as these need to be stocked here.”

Woman: “NO, YOU’RE FOLLOWING ME! THAT DOES IT! I’M NOT BUYING ANYTHING! I’LL GET YOU ALL FIRED!”

The lady finally left, stomping and muttering as she went. The employee sighed, shook his head, and went back to his job.

Some people!

I work in a department store. A customer came in, and we talked for a little while when she first got there. I was working on organizing some clothes in the same area she was looking in. She seemed really sweet and didn’t have me thinking much about her at first.

I left to go to the bathroom and get another clothes rack, which took me about thirty minutes. (I got distracted.) When I came back to my little area, she was still looking in the same rack of T-shirts. I thought it was really weird, but I left her alone.

About an hour later, my coworker came up to me.

Coworker: “Who’s that woman you were talking to? Why has she been in here for so long?”

Me: “I don’t know; she just started talking to me.”

But since we were both feeling suspicious, I went ahead and told my manager so he could watch the customer.

She literally shopped for over four hours, looking at every single rack and randomly picking stuff out to put in her buggy. She accumulated a massive pile (just for us to put back up later). Every time customer service called the warning, “We close in [time] minutes! Get out!” she kept shopping. We were all getting aggravated at that point.

Then, she came flying past me down the aisle, two minutes before we closed saying she had to use the restroom. To be honest, I didn’t know what to say, so I just let her go, hoping she would be quick and leave. I was wrong.

This woman came out five minutes later, squatted on the ground to pick up a penny, got up, and started walking toward the front. Then, she turned RIGHT BACK AROUND and headed toward our drink and snack machines.

We were pissed, so we followed her back there to tell her to get out… and she LITERALLY DISAPPEARED RIGHT BEFORE OUR EYES. We started freaking out.

Coworker: “What the f*** just happened?! Where did she go?!”

We didn’t hear any doors open (to the bathrooms, storage, or the breakroom/office), and there was nowhere for her to go. We looked for this woman for like forty-five minutes with a police officer, and we were finally starting to give up.

The store manager actually pulled up the camera footage for the police officer to look at, so I walked him back there to the office. We passed by the drink machines, and the officer stopped and looked at them really weirdly.

Me: “What do you see, sir?”

Then, I saw it, too. The woman had pulled the entire machine and garbage can away from the wall and hidden behind them. We would have never found her if I hadn’t walked the officer through there!

Officer: *To the woman* “What are you doing?!”

She ended up being arrested for possession of a particularly hard drug.

I decided to play a prank on my wife. I had my daughter bury me under a huge pile of leaves and then popped up out of it as she strolled up the driveway, making her jump ten feet in the air.

It was a good laugh until a man who had been walking past and witnessed it objected.

Man: “Dude, that was f****** stupid! What if she’d pulled out a gun that she’d bought unbeknownst to you and shot you dead on reflex?”

Me: *Pauses* “Why in the h*** would my wife of twenty-three years be secretly buying firearms behind my back and carrying them on her person — which is illegal, if you know anything about guns and the law?”

Wife: “Not to mention shooting someone for startling them?!”

Man: “Lots of women out there have guns their spouses don’t know about. This is America, in case you forgot.”

Me: “Yeah, and it’s morons like you that make it embarrassing rather than something to be proud of!”