A New Way To Get Electrolytes

, , , , , , | Right | November 13, 2017

(I’m on the customer service desk when a customer approaches.)

Customer: “I want to return this banana!”

Me: *looking at perfectly healthy, unpeeled banana* “Okay, can I just ask what the problem was?”

Customer: *completely serious* “It gave me an electric shock!”

Me: “Um…”

Customer: “I DON’T WANT ELECTRICITY IN MY STOMACH!”

Me: “Okay, sir. Let me just get that for you.”

(It was the strangest refund I’ve ever had to do, and it was 13p.)

Minimum Effort Gets Minimum Wage

, , , , | Working | November 13, 2017

(We have a “now hiring” sign in the hall outside our store. I am doing small chores when a man walks in.)

Man: “What’s your starting pay?”

Me: *caught off-guard and not quite hearing him* “Sorry?”

Man: “What’s your starting pay?”

Me: “Oh! Uh, it’s minimum wage.”

Man: “All right, thanks.”

(He immediately left, without picking up an application. I don’t know what sort of pay he was expecting from a tiny store in the mall, but how could a full-grown adult expect he’d be hired ANYWHERE if he asked about the pay without even saying hello?)

Hopefully It’s Only The Call That Dropped

, , , , , | Working | November 13, 2017

(I’m a student living on the top floor of a nice dorm. “Nice dorm” means nice elevators with functioning emergency call buttons. One day, I’m riding the elevator down when the emergency call button blinks, along with a ringing sound.)

Me: “No way.”

(I push the call button.)

Caller: “Hi!”

Me: “Hello?”

Caller: “Is this [Female Name]?”

Me: *definitely male voice* “No.”

Caller: “When will [Female Name] be in?”

Me: “I don’t know.”

Caller: “Are you sure?”

Me: “This is an elevator.”

Caller: *long pause* “I’m sorry?”

Me: “You called an elevator. There is no [Female Name] here.”

Caller: *click*

Should Éire On The Side Of Caution

, , , , , | Right | November 13, 2017

Customer: “So, you sound English; that’s rare these days.”

Me: *sitting there, very white, and with alarm bells sounding* “Um, yes. I was born and raised here.”

Customer: “You can never tell whether someone is really English.”

Me: “Well, if we are being fully accurate, I am ethnically Irish.”

Customer: “Well, Ireland’s part of England, anyway.”

Me: “I wouldn’t say that to someone not being paid to sit quietly.”

Mom Hates It When Birds Leave The Nest

, , , , , | Related | November 13, 2017

(I am living on my own for the first time, and I’m talking to my mom on the phone while walking back from getting groceries. My mom is being a mom, telling me about how much she worries about me.)

Me: “Mom, I’m fine. I’m really liking school and I’m perfectly sa–”

(Just then, something comes at me and I see it out of the corner of my eye. I scream and duck down, just in time to miss the seagull that’s just dive-bombed me. I would like to point out that I had no idea birds do this when you walk by their nests and I didn’t know there was a nest in the car-lot I was walking past. Not knowing these things, it’s incredibly hard for me to explain this to my mom.)

Mom: “What? WHAT HAPPENED? Are you all right?”

Me: “I’m fine, Mom, but you’re not going to believe this. This–”

(As I’m about to explain this, the seagull turns around, facing me with evil, yellow eyes, and lets out the biggest battle cry it can muster as it prepares to dive again.)

Me: “MOM, I’VE GOT TO GO!”

(I hung up my phone and booked it out of there. Needless to say, I did not help my mom feel more secure.)

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