I’m working in a restaurant. A guy in his thirties comes in and gets put in my section. The only words I say during his entire time at the table are, “Hello, sir, my name is [My Name]. What can I get you to drink?”

The guy proceeds to give me his drink order and food order.

Customer: “Bring me a box and a to-go [dessert] when you bring my meal, along with the check.”

Neither of us speaks another word during the entire time he is at the table. He camps out for a bit, which I don’t care about. He is reading over a stack of papers, just chilling.

I am at the host stand when he leaves. He comes up and asks me for my name again.

Customer: “I like you. You actually know when to shut the f*** up. I’ll see you next time, [My Name].”

I guess I’ll see if he asks for me the next time he comes in. He tipped like 30%, too, so that was cool.

Everyone who I know and have told this story to finds it hilarious because I’m a freaking chatterbox. I go hoarse nearly every month because I just talk and talk and talk.

Sometimes I suffer from headaches, and as a result, I always keep aspirin handy. I’ve always preferred taking soluble aspirin, so I keep a box in my desk at work.

One day, I get a splitting headache and I decide to take an aspirin. In my office, we have a very weird coworker who always seems to think that certain things are bizarre for no reason at all. When it comes to medicines, in particular, he seems to have some strange opinions.

As I’m drinking the aspirin, I see [Weird Coworker] standing over me, looking absolutely horrified.

Weird Coworker: “WHAT THE F*** ARE YOU DOING?!”

Me: “Err… taking medicine for my headache.”

Weird Coworker: “THAT WAS PURE ASPIRIN!”

Me: “So?”

Weird Coworker: “YOU DON’T DRINK ASPIRIN! YOU’RE SUPPOSED TO GARGLE IT!”

Several of my teammates give him “WTF” looks in response.

Me: “What good would gargling aspirin do? You’re supposed to swallow it!”

Weird Coworker: “That kind of aspirin is supposed to be gargled, not swallowed, you stupid c***!”

Teammate #1: “[Weird Coworker], do you actually know how medicine works? Gargling it would do nothing as aspirin has to be taken orally. Where the h*** did you even hear that?”

Weird Coworker: “Regular aspirin, yes, but this aspirin must be gargled! It’s been dissolved in water!”

Me: “Do you want to read the instructions? They say very differently.”

Weird Coworker: “THAT WAS ASPIRIN!”

Me: “Okay, just go back to work.”

Later that morning, we have a team meeting and I am called upon to present some information. Just as I begin speaking, [Weird Coworker] rudely interrupts.

Weird Coworker: “Don’t listen to him. He’s, well, weird. He drank f****** aspirin this morning!”

Teammate #2: “Oh, for f***’s sake, [Weird Coworker], just shut up already! It’s really not strange!”

Weird Coworker: “WHO DRINKS ASPIRIN?!”

Manager: “[Weird Coworker], enough! This has nothing to do with the meeting, and you being very rude to [My Name]. Taking aspirin with water is nothing strange! Now, pipe down and let him speak!”

Later in the day, I saw [Weird Coworker] sitting at his desk visibly sulking. Turns out he’d been going around the office telling them about seeing me drinking aspirin to try to support his theory that it was weird. Apparently, he’d been getting more and more frustrated with people when they didn’t agree. [Manager] chewed him out and told him to get back to work and stop this stupid behaviour! 

I have no idea where this guy got his medical advice from, but this wasn’t the only occasion when he had bizarre views on different things. Seeing his face whenever I took aspirin was amusing because he would stand there visibly angry and twitching but could do zero about it! We were all glad when he left that job!

To be fair, this client is more of an old acquaintance that I’ve more or less adopted. He shows up every couple of years with a new idea he needs help with. The latest is a one-page website for his wood sculptures. He does all his email and web browsing at the library and calls from a pay phone.

Client: “I noticed down at the bottom where my email address is that when I click it, it launches some kind of email thing.”

Me: “What’s the problem? Is that the wrong email?”

Client: “No, it’s the right email. I just don’t want that on my website. That technology has got to be expensive and I don’t want to be paying for that, so just take it off. I just want my email there so people can read it. I don’t need any of this fancy stuff that makes things pop up.”

Me: “That’s how every email address on every site in the world works. It doesn’t cost anything. It’s just a hyperlink that launches your email client.”

Client: “You mean it doesn’t cost extra to make that happen?”

Me: “No. But now I’m curious. What do you normally do when you see an email address on a site and want to email them?”

Client: “I just get out a pen and paper and write it down. Then, I go to my Hotmail account and type in their email. Isn’t that what everyone does?”

Me: “Nope, you’re probably the only one.”

Client: “Okay, then.”

He paid me with a vial of gold nuggets, a mini-sewing machine, and a fishing knife. He offered me a homemade surfboard, but I didn’t have room for it at my place. 

My mother works in cardiology.

Patient’s Dad: “So, you work with hearts?”

Mother: “Yep!”

Patient’s Dad: “Oh. I wonder if you could heal a broken heart.”

Mother: “Um… I don’t know about that.”

The guy’s wife was RIGHT THERE.

I’m a head chef in a kitchen where we serve chicken, and I’ve heard some very strange requests and complaints from customers. Here are a few.

Customer #1: “Can you take the bones out of the bone-in wings? And can you replace the bones with sauce?”

Customer #2: “Can you inject the bone marrow into the wings with sauce to make the bones taste better?”

Customer #3: “These wings are too crunchy!”

This particular customer had ordered bone-in wings, and they had bitten into a flat like it was a chicken tender.

To say that I’m amazed how people can mess up eating wings is an understatement.