Throw Me A Bone Here

, , , , , | Right | March 5, 2018

(We have a customer who frequently buys items and soon returns them. She comes in, yet again, to return a dog bone she bought a week or so ago.)

Customer: “I need to return this.”

Me: “This packaging is destroyed, and the bone has been chewed up. I’m not going to be able to refund you any money.”

Customer: “No! This bone was supposed to be peanut butter flavored, and its not!”

(I smell the bone, and sure enough, it smells like peanut butter.)

Me: “Ma’am, this bone is peanut butter flavored.”

Customer: “But it doesn’t taste like peanut butter!”

Me: “Um… Did you taste the bone?”

Customer: “Yes! And it doesn’t taste like peanut butter! I want my money back!”

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Got Beef With Pigs

, , , | Right | March 4, 2018

Me: “Hello there! How can I help you?”

Customer: “I was wondering if I could get about 1.5 kilos of bacon.”

Me: “Sure, which type?”

Customer: “The cheapest, please.”

Me: “Sure thing.”

(My friend starts filling the bag with bacon.)

Customer: “Umm, is that bacon from pigs?”

Me: “Yes, of course. All bac—”

Customer: “Oh, never mind, then. Pigs disgust me.” *leaves store*

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Romance Is Not In The Cards

, , , , | Romantic | March 3, 2018

(I am shopping in my town’s high street when a woman approaches me. I am male.)

Woman: “You have a very beautiful aura. I can tell you are a fervent believer in the Abrahamic God. Perhaps you and your wife, if you have one of course—” *suggestive look* “—would be interested in joining [Local Church]?”

Me: “Umm, actually, I’m an atheist, and my boyfriend is a Buddhist, so I don’t think [Local Church] would suit us very well.”

(She looks at me like I’ve just grown an extra head and walks away. I finish my shopping and head toward home, only to see her again walking up to a bin. She takes out a pack of cards and a large crystal.)

Woman: “These things are f****** useless!”

(She dropped them in the bin and left. Curious, I took a look. They were tarot cards.)

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Caring Is Blaring

, , , , | Right | March 3, 2018

(I am a manager in a fast food restaurant in an area with a lot of drug use. It isn’t uncommon to have to deal with someone who is a little strung out. I’m in the kitchen helping my cook with orders when I hear a customer come in sounding very upset while talking to one of my cashiers. Thinking I’m going to have to deal with an irate customer, I tell my cook I’ll be right back, then head up front.)

Customer: “I want a big burger. But I don’t want to pay that. Where I come from, it’s only $1. Ring it up! But I don’t want to pay that. I said ring it up! But look, you just rang it up. I only wanted ketchup and pickle. You didn’t let me say that. But you don’t care. YOU DON’T CARE! You know what? I don’t care, either.”

(The customer then slams out the front door and is gone before I can get to the front. His entire tirade took maybe 45 seconds.)

Me: “What was that all about?”

Cashier #1: “I don’t even know.”

Cashier #2: “He came up and was already upset.”

Cashier #1: “He just started yelling.”

Cashier #2: “I think he was on something. He was going on about how he didn’t want to pay for the burger, but wanted her to ring it up and when she did, he got mad because he only wanted ketchup and pickle.”

Cashier #1: *picks up the sleeve of cups she was working on stocking when the customer came in, and starts walking away* “But at least he was right about one thing. I don’t care.”

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Time To Start Stereo-Typing Up Your Resignation

, , , , , , , | Working | March 2, 2018

(My daughter and I are getting ice cream. My daughter orders chocolate, which makes the cashier look concerned. At first I think that they’re maybe out, but she then smiles and shows us to a table. When our ice cream comes, the cashier drops the bowls down and walks off without a single look. My daughter tells me she has been given strawberry ice cream, instead. I take the bowl back to the cashier.)

Me: “Excuse me? You have given my daughter strawberry ice cream. She wanted chocolate. Are you out? She would prefer vanilla, instead.”

Cashier: “No, but I can’t give her chocolate.”

Me: “Why not?”

Cashier: “Because that reinforces her racial stereotypes.”

(I’m a bit dumbfounded by this.)

Me: “So, instead of asking her if she wanted something else, you chose for her?”

Cashier: “Yes. Pink, because she’s a girl.”

Me: “So, reinforcing her gender stereotypes?”

Cashier: “Exactly!”

Me: “Well, since I’m her father, I think I’ll decide what stereotypes she’ll have ‘reinforced’ for the time being. I’m afraid I’m not as keen on this high-concept bull-s*** as many of you young people, so could she please have some chocolate ice cream? Not because she’s black, but because it’s her favourite flavour.”

Cashier: *flustered* “But strawberry is pink!”

Me: “She doesn’t like strawberry, so can she have chocolate, like she asked?”

(She eventually gave my daughter what she wanted, but spent the entire time trying to lecture us whenever she walked by on the importance of gender stereotypes and lesbianism. We left after her third attempt.)

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