(I’m ringing up a young couple for a video game. The girlfriend asks about the game and the boyfriend describes it to her.)

Boyfriend: “[In the game] you’re one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.”

Girlfriend: “Which one?”

Boyfriend: “War.”

Girlfriend: “Who are the others?”

Boyfriend: “Famine, Pestilence, and Plague.”

Girlfriend: “Who makes this s*** up?!”

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I recently got to nuke a former manager’s chances at my new job.

I used to work at a now-defunct bookstore chain, and a new manager was transferred into ours. All the employees believed that she was intentionally transferred there to tank our (previously well-performing) store so corporate could justify closing that location down. 

[Manager] drove away half the old-timers who had been there for years and knew what they were doing. She often took several hour-long lunch breaks. In an eight-hour shift, her record was four breaks. She also often left the store when there were no other managers on shift.

Three-quarters of our cafe staff quit (including me) after [Manager] fired the cafe manager over a minor incident. We all went in at the same time to submit our two-week resignation notice, and she swept everything off her desk in a rage. The result was a very heavy stapler hitting the wall hard enough to leave a dent. She had a screaming meltdown at all of us.

Immediately, our two-week notice became “effective immediately,” and we all gathered our things, punched out, and left. The entire time, we were serenaded by [Manager] growing increasingly more vile and personal in her freak-out.

A year or two later, I worked as an assistant manager for a competing chain.

General Manager: “By any chance did you work with [Manager] at [Former Location]? She’s applying for a management position with our company.”

I explained everything above, and then I added:

Me: “If you bring her on board, you will have my immediate resignation on your desk before the end of the day.”

Another coworker who had worked for her a few years before me at another location said the same.

Thankfully, the general manager took us seriously, and [Manager] was not brought on board. The sad part is that with people like her, you don’t even have to exaggerate; just telling the truth is enough to make any smart employer toss their resume.

I work in a bookstore that has a large educational and textbook section. A woman walks up to the helpdesk, looks at me, looks around, sees no one else available to help, sighs, and then approaches me.

Customer: “My son is starting high school after summer, and I want him to get ahead in his math.”

Me: “That’s great! We have a huge selection of guides to mathematics, both general and specific. Is there any area in particular you’d like him to focus on?”

Customer: “Algebra.”

I bring her over to the relevant section. As we head over, we’re joined by her son. He identifies a specific book before I can even recommend it.

Me: “Good choice! This is the book I actually used when—”

Customer: “Look, I’m sure you’re a nice boy and all that, but my son is going to be going places. I’m sure working in a bookstore in America is a great achievement for someone from… your part of the world, but if my son is going to be Ivy League, I need him to be using something more advanced than what you used to get into a job at a bookstore.”

I am silent for a moment, not because I am angry — this happens to me a lot as I am of Moroccan descent — but because her son looks like he is about to explode.

Customer’s Son: “Mom! You can’t be serious!”

Customer: “What? I’m not being mean; I’m just calling it how I see it.”

Me: “I’m an American, ma’am, same as you.”

Customer: *Scoffs* “You are not the same as me! I’m a full-blooded American who can trace her lineage back to the fifth president of the United States!”

Me: “Unless you’re Native American, then I’m as full-blooded as you are. My relatives are from Morocco, and yours are from Europe.”

Customer: “Look, I just need you to get your manager or someone else more qualified to recommend a book for my son.”

Customer’s Son: “Mom, his relatives invented Algebra. Ours invented gerrymandering. I’m going to be just fine with his recommendations, thanks.”

And with that, he chose my book recommendation and walked back to the checkouts with his (mercifully silenced) mother glaring at me as they left.

I work in a bookstore in a mall that has a grocery store attached.

Customer: “I came here to get a book, I think?”

Me: “What book is it?”

Customer: “I’ve actually forgotten.”

Me: “Did you pre-order it?”

Customer: “No, I just came in because I remembered I wanted to get a book, but now that I am here, I forgot what it was!”

I ask her some questions about what the book is about, but we come up with nothing.

Customer: “Oh, well. I needed to do my grocery shopping anyway, so I’ll go do that, and hopefully, I’ll remember before I need to leave.

An hour or so later, I see the customer coming back in.

Customer: “I remembered what book it was!”

Me: “That’s great! And you got your grocery shopping done!”

She stops and looks at her hands, a look of shock coming over her.

Customer: “Oh, no! I forgot my groceries!” 

I seriously had to check that she wasn’t buying a book about how to improve your memory…

I work in a bookstore. A woman calls me over. She is in our religion section, specifically for children’s books.

Customer: “I’m looking at these books about Jesus’s life.”

Me: “Yes, that one in particular has some lovely illustrations.”

Customer: “Yeah, but… do you have a version with a happier ending?”

Me: “Happier? Like… what do you mean?”

Customer: “Like where Jesus doesn’t die at the end? That’s far too upsetting for my boy.”

Me: “I… don’t think so?”

Customer: “Could you ask your manager? You really should have some books suitable for my boy.”

I fetch my manager, who is just as confused with the request as I am.

Manager: “Ma’am, I’m afraid all our books about the life of Jesus will absolutely not skip the part where he dies.”

Customer: “Ugh! Fine. It’s not ideal, but I’m going to have to just buy this and skip over the parts I don’t like!”

Manager: “I’m pretty sure that’s how most Christians use the Bible anyway!”