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The Only Fat They Should Be Worried About Is The Fat Lip They Deserve

, , , , | Right | May 8, 2024

I am a woman, checking out a woman customer and she says to me out of the blue:

Customer: “Did you know doctors extract belly fat from women’s abdomens in order to give them bigger breasts? You would be a candidate. Kill two birds with one stone!”

Me: “That is very rude of you to just suggest like that. I have a health plan for my body, and I am currently working on it.”

Customer: “Oh, no need to be sensitive about it, dear. I can show you how to really help!”

Me: “I don’t need your help. Please pay or leave.”

Customer: “Don’t you want a better body? Imagine having no more body issues!”

Me: “The only body issue we’re about to have is a body count. Get out!”

Florida Man Identifies As Car

, , , , , , , , , , | Right | May 7, 2024

Our fast food place is open twenty-four-seven, but only the drive-thru is open at night due to some logistical complications with our location. A man walks up to the drive-thru with no car in sight. He shouldn’t have even been able to get to the window without a car, but I don’t have time to wonder about that as he’s already ordering.

Me: “I’m sorry, but I can’t let you order at the drive-thru unless you’re in a car.”

Customer: *Starts making engine revving noises* “There, I identify as a car. This is what you woke hippies like, right? I identify as a car, and if you don’t serve me, you’re oppressing me.”

Me: “Moo. I identify as a cow. Therefore, I can’t serve you. Moo.”

Customer: “But I just—” 

Me: *Deadpan* “Moo.” 

Customer: “You total—”

Me: *Deadpan* “Moo.” 

Customer: “Get your manager!” 

My manager walks over.

Customer: “You worker here is being difficult when I just want a quick burger!” 

Manager: “Quack.” 

Customer: “F*** all y’all!” *Storms off*

Related:
Florida Man Gives iMac To Alligator
Florida Man Arrested For Battery
Florida Man Suddenly Sobers Up
Florida Man Fights Fake Alligator In A Battle Of Wits: Loses
17 Outrageous Tales Of The “Florida Man”

Nacho Nachos

, , , , , , , | Working | May 7, 2024

I work in an office, and I’m training a new guy in his first couple of weeks on his job. It’s gone well so far. He listens to instructions, asks questions when he doesn’t understand something or needs clarifications, and is slowly but surely working his way up to being a decent worker.

One day, I’m in the breakroom for lunch with some nachos and a separate little dish for the salsa. I am eating and looking at my phone when [New Guy] comes in and, apparently — I’m not aware of him looking at me at first — watches as I dip a chip, take a bite, and then dip the same chip again.

New Guy: “Ew, did you just double-dip?”

I look up and blink at him.

Me: “Uh, yes? I’m the only one eating these.”

He crosses his arms like a child.

New Guy: “Well, what if I wanted some?”

Me: *Staring at him* “…First of all, you ask. Like an adult would do.”

New Guy: *Puffing up* “Well, I’m not going to ask now. You double-dipped.”

Me: “The answer would have been no anyway; they’re my lunch, and I wasn’t planning on sharing. You’re not entitled to a chip.”

New Guy: *Suddenly shouting* “Well, why not?! Would it have killed you to be nice?! My mother always shared her lunch with me when I came to her office! Why can’t you?! I just want some stupid chips!”

I just keep staring at this point, confused and a bit insulted by this guy’s entitlement that, from my perspective, has come literally out of nowhere. My lack of response just seems to make him even angrier, as he storms out of the room, kicking the table on the way out and almost sending my nachos to the floor, but I catch them and the salsa before they make a mess. I turn to look at the door, hearing his stomping footsteps as they retreat down the hall, and I catch the eyes of another coworker who poked her head into the room after hearing the commotion.

I can only shrug when she asks what happened, explaining that I just said I wasn’t going to share my lunch with him.

Coworker: “I think he’s heading for [Boss]’s office.”

Me: “Okay, well, let’s see how that goes for him.”

I go back to my nachos.

About ten minutes after the end of my lunch break, I’m called into [Boss]’s office. [New Guy] is nowhere to be seen, and when I enter the room, [Boss] just looks tired. He motions for me to sit.

Boss: “Just so you know, you’re not in trouble. I sent [New Guy] home because he cursed at me, but please, give me your side of the story.”

Me: “Not much to tell. I basically told him I wasn’t going to share my nachos with him and… he freaked out.”

Boss: *Nods* “Yep, that’s what he told me, too. He used more… colorful language… including a slur I won’t be repeating.”

Me: *Blinks* “Like what? Something racist?”

Boss: “No, it was more that he insinuated that you were a trans person, and he used the… insulting term.”

Me: “Because I wouldn’t offer him some of my nachos?”

Boss: *Shrugs helplessly* “I’ve already started the paperwork to terminate his employment here. I don’t care how good a worker he’d have ended up being; that behavior was unacceptable. The fact that it was over some nachos is just the cherry on top.”

Me: “Is it bad that I’m kinda happy that he exposed that side of himself early before it was a future problem?”

Boss: “No, I was going to say the same thing; The termination paperwork is easier if it’s still the probationary period. You can head back to work now. Go ahead and take a bit of extra time for a break if you need it.”

Me: “Nah, he didn’t really upset me that much. I was just confused.”

[Boss] and I shared a chuckle before I headed back to work.

The next day, I heard from [Boss] that [New Guy] sent an email as soon as he got home saying, among other things, that he quit. [Boss] gave me the cliff notes that, basically, [New Guy] apparently didn’t think he’d done anything wrong and didn’t understand how I was so selfish when I had “so many” chips and “wouldn’t miss one”. The cherry on top of the letter, [Boss] said while laughing, was that he ended the whole rant with, “And I hope [My Name] never gets to share her lunch with anyone, because apparently she’s entitled to every bite.”

[Boss] offered to print it out and laminate it for me, but I declined; I’m content with having my own nachos and eating them, too.

Forcing A Smile Will Be The Death Of Somebody, And It Won’t Be Me

, , , , , | Right | May 7, 2024

Customer: “My God, you look so glum! Wouldn’t kill you to smile more!”

Me: “I am here to check out your items, sir. I don’t need to smile to do that.”

Customer: “Yeah, but pretty girls like you should smile more! Smile!”

Me: “Your total is $38.12, sir.”

Customer: “Smile more! Why aren’t you smiling?”

Me: “I don’t feel like it. Your total is $38.12.”

Customer: “Why aren’t you smiling?”

Me: “It’s the anniversary of my fiancé’s death. Your total is $38.12.”

Customer: *Pause* “…well, at least you weren’t married.”

No Beer Until I See Pumpkins

, , , , | Right | May 7, 2024

A young-looking customer comes up to my manager’s counter with some beer.

Manager: “Can I see some ID?”

Customer: “Sure!”

My manager looks at the ID and then looks at it closer.

Manager: “I’m sorry, I can’t sell this to you.”

Customer: “I turn twenty-one in like, a few hours. What difference will it make?”

Manager: “A store I used to work at closed at ten at night. A young lady like you came in to buy a bottle of wine, just before closing. According to her ID, she turned twenty-one at midnight. That coworker talked to a manager, and they agreed to sell it to her since we wouldn’t be open at midnight. She walked out, and then cops walked back in with the wine and the receipt. They got fined and fired because the store got fined, too.”

Customer: “…oh.”

Manager: “So, yeah, that’s the difference it can make. Come back tomorrow.”