Archive for 2009

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Please Call Customer Dis-service

| Right | December 23, 2009

Customer: “I’m not buying carpet from you because you don’t sell Christmas trees.”

Me: “Actually we have them in the garden center.”

Customer: “No, you sell holiday trees. You’re afraid of offending people, but this is the Christmas season, not holiday season.”

Me: “It’s just our policy sir.”

Customer: “I’m going to [another home improvement store] where they aren’t afraid of offending!”

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Million Dollar Baby (Carrots)

| | Right | December 23, 2009

Me: “Welcome to [kitchen store]. Can I help you with anything?”

Customer: “Oh! Aren’t you a lovely young thing! I need something that will cut vegetables into slices. You see, I’m quite the chef, I have a very expensive home in New York, and I have a million dollar kitchen!”

Me: “Well, we have a variety of slicers…”

(I bring him to a shelf with vegetable slicers. He proceeds to open a knapsack and takes out a cucumber, a carrot, other assorted vegetables.)

Me: “Sir, what are you doing?”

Customer: “I have to test the slicer! I can’t buy just any old slicer! What will they think?”

(He begins slicing a cucumber with one of the models on display.)

Me: “What will who think?”

Customer: “MY GUESTS! MY GUESTS! THEY’LL JUDGE ME WHEN THEY COME TO VISIT MY MILLION DOLLAR KITCHEN! Ugh! This slicer is horrible! Look at that! I nearly cut my own finger off! This is despicable. I’ll be back tomorrow, dear, and I expect you to have more advanced slicers by then.”

(He begins stroking my arm frantically, so my co-worker politely escorts him out of the store. His cucumber, mind you, stayed behind.)

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The Trim Reaper

| | Right | December 23, 2009

Customer: “Are these real trees?”

Me: “Yes.”

Customer: “I mean, are they live trees?”

Me: “Yes.”

Customer: “So, we just go cut them down, right?”

Me: “That’s right!”

Customer: “Will it still be a live tree after we cut it down?”

Me: “I’m sorry, but cutting the tree down does mean the tree will die. However, if you water it daily, it should survive until Christmas.”

Customer: “But you said those were live trees!”

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It’s No Net Loss

| | Right | December 22, 2009

Customer: “I’ve just received a leaflet for broadband from you. What’s broadband?”

Me: “It’s a faster type of internet.”

Customer: “What’s internet?”

Me: “It’s a method of accessing information through a computer.”

Customer: “What’s a computer?”

Me: “I don’t think this offer is for you, sir.”

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The Funny Pharm-acy

| | Right | December 22, 2009

(I work in a shopping mall. On my lunch break, I visit the pharmacy. A woman runs into me.)

Customer: “You! Where do you keep your toilet paper?”

Me: “In my cupboard.”

Customer: “How dare you talk to me that way! I want to talk to your manager!”

Me: “I’m sorry, I don’t work here.”

Customer: “Oh, so now you’re going to get into trouble, it’s ‘I don’t work here’, eh?”

Me: *pointing to the company logo on my shirt* “No, I genuinely do not work here. I work in [shop name], see?”

Customer: “So you don’t wear your uniform either? Where’s your manager?” *turns to make-up counter employee* “Are you her manager, missy?”

Make-up Counter Employee: “Yes, yes I am.” *turns to me, winking* “Don’t do that again.”

Customer: “Thank you! See, now I can shop here again!” *to make-up counter employee* “You! Where do you keep your toilet paper?”

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