Customer: “Hi, I’d like to buy a lemon and lime pie, please.”

Me: “I’m sorry, miss, we don’t sell those. We never have.”

Customer: “But I was so sure. Let me just check.” *pulls out phone and dials* “Hi, darling… Yes, I know, but she says they don’t sell them anymore. Okay, I’ll put you on…”

Customer: “He’d like to talk to you.” *hands me the phone*

Me: “Hi, sir. I’m sorry, but we don’t sell lemon and lime pies.”

Phone: “Woof! Woof! Woof!”

Customer: *to me* “You see?!”

This story is part of our Even-Crazier-Pet-Owners roundup!

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(I work at a small shop in a hospital.)

Me: “Hello!”

Customer: “Is this the only shop here?”

Me: “Yes, it is.”

Customer: “And that’s the only cafe?” *points towards the cafe*

Me: “Yep!”

Customer: “Why aren’t there more?”

Me: “Well, we only really need one shop and one cafe for this hospital.”

Customer: “That’s just stupid! I don’t need beds; I need more shops! I’m going to complain!”

Customer: “What cigarettes would you recommend?”

Me: “I’m actually only 16. I don’t smoke.”

Customer: “Oh… Well, then, which cigars are your favorite?”

Me: “I’m only 16. I don’t smoke.”

Customer: “Okay, then. Do you sell marijuana?”

Me: “That’s actually illegal.”

Customer: “What? When did that happen?”

Customer: “I’m looking for the right kind of food for my new rottweiler puppy.”

Me: “No problem, I’d be happy to help you. And since your little guy here is a large breed dog, he needs to stay on the puppy food for two years before switching to the adult formula.”

Customer: “Large breed?”

Me: “Yes, this little guy is a rottweiler mix. He will probably be around 90-110 pounds.”

Customer: “Oh… so, if I keep him on puppy food, will he stay small like this?”

This story is part of our Stupid Pet Owners roundup!

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(I’m behind the register when a teenage girl comes up with her mother. While I watch, the girl tells her mom to get her one of the ‘grape ones’.)

Mother: “I’d like one of your grape cigars.”

Me: “Alright.” *to the girl* “I just need to see your ID.”

Girl: “She’s the one who’s buying, not me!”

Me: “That doesn’t matter. I know she’s buying it for you, so I need to know if you’re over eighteen.”

Mother: “That’s stupid! This is the only place that sells them around here. I’m not wasting my gas driving somewhere else. If you don’t sell me those, I’m going to call the cops and they’ll make you sell me a grape cigar!”

Me: “Ma’am, feel free to tell the cops that I won’t sell your under-aged daughter a cigar.”