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High Altitude Expectations

| | Right | January 13, 2009

(I overhead my coworker have this exchange while helping a patron.)

Coworker: “What can I help you find?”

Patron: “I need pictures from when they used to tie small cameras to birds to take aerial photos.”

Coworker: “Well, I don’t think that we would have any books for that – let me look online.”

Patron: “I kinda need this right away; my class starts in ten minutes.”

Coworker: “I’m looking as fast as I can.”

Patron: “Well, f***ing look faster! I am going to fail this class now, and it’s all because of you!”

Coworker: “I found your photos. I’ll send them to the printer right now; it will be 50 cents for the print.”

Patron: “What the f***? You expect me to PAY for the prints?”

Coworker: “Yes, yes I do.”

(The patron hands over the money while swearing under his breath.)

Coworker: “Enjoy.”

(She hands him the papers and he runs out, but not thirty seconds later he runs back in.)

Patron: “I need pictures of the f***ing birds, not the pictures that they took!”

Coworker: *as she turns off her computer* “Well, it looks like our system is down. You’ll have to come back at a later time.”

Patron: *storms out*

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Occam’s Razor Phone

| | Right | January 13, 2009

Me: “Thank you for calling **** Mobile Customer Service, how can I help you?”

Customer: “Hi, there’s something wrong with my phone. It won’t take pictures.”

Me: “Is it a camera phone?”

Customer: “No.”

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Pen Envy

| | Right | January 12, 2009

(Upon finishing a transaction with a customer, I give her a printed receipt to sign, along with a foot-long novelty pen.)

Customer: *getting very excited* “Oh. My. God. I love this pen.”

Me: “Ha, yeah, it’s pretty cool.”

Customer: “No, you have no idea. I love this pen. Gigantic pens are my thing.”

Me: “Oh, well, that’s cool then.”

Customer: “Can I buy it from you? I collect gigantic pens.”

Me: “Well, it’s not exactly a sale item, and it’s the manager’s pen anyway, so–”

Customer: “But I collect them! And this one is just awesome. Here, I can trade you for my pen.”

Me: “No, I don’t think–”

Customer: *digs in her purse and thrusts a pen at me* “Here, look! It’s really nice and it writes really well. Look at this – it’s real wood! It’s a REALLY NICE PEN!”

Me: “I’m sure you’d rather have that nice pen than the manager’s giant pen.”

(The customer begins to awkwardly try and sneak the huge pen into her purse. I stare at her while she does this, and she stops.)

Customer: “All right, all right! But I’ll be back for it!”

Me: “I have no doubt that you will. Have a nice day.”

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Now Showing In Utero Vision

| | Right | January 12, 2009

(A very pregnant customer and her small child walk up to the theater box office.)

Customer: *points at marquee* “Are these all the movies you got playing?”

Me: “Yep, I’d say so….”

Customer: “Ok, I’ll have three for ****.”

Me: “Are there any children in the group?”

Customer: *points to boy and pregnant belly* “Yes, two.”

Me: “Ma’am, we don’t charge for children age 2 and under…or unborn fetuses….”

Customer: “Ok…just one then!”

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And On This Farm He Had My Dinner

| | Right | January 12, 2009

Customer: What’s the difference between this-” *holds up a steak of lamb* “and this?” *holds up a steak of calf*

Me: “Well, this one is from a lamb, and this one from a calf. It says so right here on the label.”

Customer: “But what part of the animal is that?”

Me: *points at the lamb* “Baaaa.” *pointing at the calf* “Moooo.”

Customer: *happily* “Oh, thank you so much!”

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