(My spouse and I are having our first child in a matter of weeks. Ultrasounds show that it is most likely going to be a girl.)

Mother: “What baby names have you picked out?”

(My spouse speaks Russian, and the due date is around our nation’s Thanksgiving holiday, so I decide to Google “thankful” in Russian just to see how badly it sounds phonetically in English. I am texting both my mother and spouse about it.)

Me: “Let’s name the baby Blagodarnyy. It’s a name full of gratitude. If it’s a girl it has to be Blagodarnaya.”

(After I don’t get an immediate response, I add some flavor for plausibility.)

Me: “Anaya for short.”

Mother: “Okie dokie, then. Russian? I like the Anaya. No Celtic names? With a surname like yours—”

Me: “I’m kidding, Mom.”

Mother: “Oh, for crying out loud! I was trying so hard to be a good mom and mind my own business, but Dad said, ‘That poor child.’ It had ‘blaggard’ and ‘darn ya’ all in one name. Good grief!”

(I teach ESL. I tend to dress very plain-Jane usually, so when I do dress up I sometimes get funny reactions.)

Student #1: “[Teacher]! You’re wearing earrings!”

Me: “Yes, I am.”

Student #1: “What’s wrong?”

(A different day with a different student:)

Student #2: *smiling* “[Teacher]! You’re wearing a skirt.”

Me: “Yes, I am.”

Student #2: “You have date today? You see boyfriend?” *wiggles eyebrows*

Me: “No… no. I need to do my laundry.”

(I work at a hospital, and it’s my job to get the food orders for all the patients. This occurs one morning during the breakfast rush.)

Me: “Hi, thank you for calling room service. My name is [My Name]. Can I get your name and room number, please?”

(The patient tells me their name and room number.)

Me: “All right, what can I get for you this morning!”

Patient: “I want the coochie!”

Me: “I’m sorry… you want what?”

Patient: “The coochie! The vegetable coochie!”

Me: “The… quiche?”

Patient: “Yeah, that!”

(The rest of the order went on normally, but I had to mute myself because I was laughing so hard.)

(Someone has written graffiti on the door and [Teacher #1] has just arrived to see it.)

Teacher #1: “I don’t suppose we know who it was?”

Teacher #2: “[Student] told me it must have been someone evil, like a Death Eater or something.”

Teacher #1: “Hmm… You’d have thought evil forces could at least spell correctly.”

(I work in a pet mortuary with a very obvious name that also services local veterinary offices.)

Caller: “Hello, is this [Pet Mortuary]?”

Me: “Yes, how can I help you?”

Caller: “Yeah, I was calling because I need to get a cremation done.”

Me: “Okay, what’s the pet’s name?”

Caller: “Grandma.”

(This is not unusual; people have called in before with pets named “Mama” or “Bro.” The caller proceeds to have an outpouring of emotion about how much they’re gonna miss Grandma, going on near ten minutes. Eventually, I am able to get a word in edgewise.)

Me: “Okay, sir, what kind of pet did you say this was?”

Caller: “Pet? No! I need to cremate my grandmother!”