(My aunt and uncle have recently moved from a big city to a small farm out in the country, and they’re planning what to do with their new land. Mom happens to mention one of the things my uncle plans to do now that he has some space.)

Mom: “[Uncle] says he wants to buy a miniature donkey now.”

Me: *without thinking* “Well, if he’s going to have a midlife crisis, getting a little a** is better than chasing after a lot of a**.”

(My job in Japan is winding down. As part of the welcome package for my replacement, I have to sketch a floor plan of my apartment, so he’ll know what the company-provided living quarters are like. Because I’m a goofy sort, I start giving the various rooms and amenities over-the-top descriptions. One of my coworkers looks over my shoulder at my sketch.)

Coworker: “Umm, that’s wrong. ‘Onsen’ is the Japanese word for ‘hot spring,’ not ‘bathroom.’”

Me: “And my closet isn’t the entrance to the Batcave, either.”

(When my replacement showed up, he told me that he was looking forward to being the new Batman. Looks like the place was left in good hands!)

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(Our company adds a busser, who is just 16 years old, to our team. The following conversation happens in a quiet moment as two coworkers and I am discussing the Beatrix Potter 50-pence pieces available in the UK.)

Colleague #1: “I only need one more and I’ll have the whole set.”

Me: “I managed to get two whole sets recently; the last one took ages to find, though. Which one do you need?”

Colleague #1: “The Beatrix Potter one, y’know, with the dates and that.”

Colleague #2: “Oh, I need that one, too.”

Busser: “Beatrix Potter! I liked the third film best.”

(We all stare at her.)

Busser: “What?”

Me: “Third film?”

Busser: “Yeah, Harry Potter. I’ve not read the books yet, but I like the films.”

Me: “We’re talking about Beatrix Potter, the author!”

Busser: “Who?”

(I describe to her the books she may know. She just looks blank.)

Busser: “Well, Beatrix Potter… Harry Potter… They’re pretty much the same, anyway!”

Sister: “We’re writing acrostics in English class.”

Dad: “I get acrostic when I don’t get a nap.”

Me: “When you get acrostic do you tell people to take a haiku?”

Dad: “No, but I will now!”

Sister: “I hate both of you.”

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(I am talking to a health-conscious senior coworker who is Russian. She can speak decent English but still has an accent.)

Coworker: “[Manager] gave me a kitty cat, but I feel so guilty eating it.”

Me: “Excuse me?”

Coworker: “I prefer the dark chocolate kind since they’re healthier.”

Me: “Did you mean ‘KIT-KAT’?”

Coworker: “Yeah, I call Kit-Kats ‘Kitty-Kats.’”

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