(My daughter’s father and I have separated, and she is crying a lot in school because of it. We have a meeting with her teacher, and she suggests maybe making a CD that our daughter can listen to in school to help calm her down. On the drive home, we are discussing what songs we can put on there.)

Daughter’s Father: “There’s this one song I put on when she’s with me that she likes dancing to.”

Me: “Is it school-appropriate?”

Daughter’s Father: “Yeah, it’s by Michael Moore.”

Me: “…”

Daughter’s Father: “…”

Me: “Who?”

Daughter’s Father: “Michael Moore. You know, the thrift store song guy!”

Me: “You mean Macklemore?!”

(We’re in a class about software development.)

Professor: “…and a good thing about software is that, although it can be easier if you have professional software, you don’t really need it. Anyone who has a computer can write a program. I was surprised to learn that something I’d been using was developed in the North Pole.”

Student: *joking* “With the penguins?”

Professor: “Yes! And it was probably one of them who wrote it.”

Student: “…A penguin?”

Professor: “Sure. They’re not primitive, you know. They have modern houses, computers, and everything.”

Student: “The penguins?“

Professor: “Wait, isn’t that what the native people in the North Pole are called?”

Student: “Eskimos.”

(My spouse and I are having our first child in a matter of weeks. Ultrasounds show that it is most likely going to be a girl.)

Mother: “What baby names have you picked out?”

(My spouse speaks Russian, and the due date is around our nation’s Thanksgiving holiday, so I decide to Google “thankful” in Russian just to see how badly it sounds phonetically in English. I am texting both my mother and spouse about it.)

Me: “Let’s name the baby Blagodarnyy. It’s a name full of gratitude. If it’s a girl it has to be Blagodarnaya.”

(After I don’t get an immediate response, I add some flavor for plausibility.)

Me: “Anaya for short.”

Mother: “Okie dokie, then. Russian? I like the Anaya. No Celtic names? With a surname like yours—”

Me: “I’m kidding, Mom.”

Mother: “Oh, for crying out loud! I was trying so hard to be a good mom and mind my own business, but Dad said, ‘That poor child.’ It had ‘blaggard’ and ‘darn ya’ all in one name. Good grief!”

(I teach ESL. I tend to dress very plain-Jane usually, so when I do dress up I sometimes get funny reactions.)

Student #1: “[Teacher]! You’re wearing earrings!”

Me: “Yes, I am.”

Student #1: “What’s wrong?”

(A different day with a different student:)

Student #2: *smiling* “[Teacher]! You’re wearing a skirt.”

Me: “Yes, I am.”

Student #2: “You have date today? You see boyfriend?” *wiggles eyebrows*

Me: “No… no. I need to do my laundry.”

(I work at a hospital, and it’s my job to get the food orders for all the patients. This occurs one morning during the breakfast rush.)

Me: “Hi, thank you for calling room service. My name is [My Name]. Can I get your name and room number, please?”

(The patient tells me their name and room number.)

Me: “All right, what can I get for you this morning!”

Patient: “I want the coochie!”

Me: “I’m sorry… you want what?”

Patient: “The coochie! The vegetable coochie!”

Me: “The… quiche?”

Patient: “Yeah, that!”

(The rest of the order went on normally, but I had to mute myself because I was laughing so hard.)