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Feeling Troubled Leads To Trouble

, , , , , | Related | October 16, 2021

Three-Year-Old: “I’M IN TROUBLE!”

Spouse: “What’s going on?”

Me: “She’s upset because I won’t go play with her upstairs.”

Spouse: “Is she in trouble?”

Me: “No, she’s upset to the same degree she is upset when she gets herself into trouble. She thinks that ‘in trouble’ means the level of upset she feels when I tell her she’s in trouble, not the consequences of that level of upset.”

Spouse: “Ah.”

Me: “Give her a minute. If she and I can’t come to an agreement on a place to play that doesn’t involve deadlifting children, she’ll start shouting and get into actual trouble instead of just feeling like it.”

The Clones Have Come Home To Roost

, , , , , | Right | October 11, 2021

The small aquarium I volunteer at is celebrating its one-year anniversary of being open. This coincides perfectly with the new release of “Star Wars: The Force Awakens.” As such, the managers have decided to invite several people to dress up in character and hang around the aquarium. This draws in huge crowds, and while it’s fun for the guests, it’s making it hard for the employees/volunteers to get anything done.

I’m racing to deliver more birdseed to the aviary when I round the corner and find a full battalion of Clone Troopers in the 501st armor colors. The one dressed as Captain Rex stops me.

Captain Rex: “What is that?”

Me: “Birdseed? I really need to get through.”

Captain Rex: “You may pass.”

I delivered the birdseed but had several more run-ins with the Clones, as well as Darth Vader himself.

Her Defense Is Sweet But Unnecessary

, , , , , | Friendly | October 9, 2021

I’m driving my car with my best friend and her brother as passengers. I haven’t seen her brother in many years, since I moved over a decade ago.

Brother: “So, what have you been up to?”

Me: “Well, I had a baby.”

Brother: “Yeah, I can see that.”

Friend: “What’s that supposed to mean?! She looks great!”

Me: “No, he can see because he’s crammed in between two empty car seats in the back seat.”

Brother: “Yeah, I had to climb over them to get in.”

Friend: “Oh, yeah!”

Communicating With Toddlers Isn’t All Black And White

, , , , , | Related | October 8, 2021

Me: “What do you want for breakfast? Oatmeal? Eggs? Yogurt? Peanut butter and jelly?”

Toddler: “I want white and black.”

Me: “What’s ‘white and black’?”

Toddler: “It’s white and black!”

Me: “Maybe you’d better show me.”

My toddler opens the fridge and points at the plain yogurt.

Toddler: “White.”

My toddler points at some homemade cherry jam.

Toddler: “Black.”

Me: “Oh, you want cherry yogurt, like what Daddy made you for breakfast last weekend!”

Toddler: *Happily* “White and black!”

Me: “We’d better take a picture to send to your father so he knows what it is when you ask him for it again.”

Did She Ever Play “Don’t Wake Daddy”?

, , , , , | Related | October 6, 2021

My toddler is three. I also have a newborn and am still recovering from pregnancy and labor. Dad sets two alarms so he can prepare himself to actually get up in the morning. I have to get up at the first alarm in order to get both children and myself ready on time.

Me: “Come on, sweetie. Time to get up. Take Dad to work.”

Toddler: “I’m still sleepy.”

Me: “You can sleep in the car. Come on, go pee.”

Toddler: “Sleeeepy…”

Me: “If you don’t hurry, Dad will be late for work.”

Toddler: “I want to go back to sleep.”

Me: “You should have gone to bed when I told you to last night. It’s time to get up to take Dad to work or we won’t have the car.”

Toddler: “Nooo!”

Me: “Either you get up now and come with me to take Dad to work or you’re grounded. That means no TV, no treats, no juice, no playing outside, and no going to the store or the park.”

By that point, Dad was already up and we were going to be late even if she got out of bed right then.

Me: “Short of moving her bodily, I’m not going to be able to get her ready. And I still have to get myself ready and feed the baby and get him ready, too.”

Dad: “It’s going to be too much trouble for you and I have to leave right away, anyway. She’s just going to have to figure it out the hard way.”

Later that morning:

Toddler: “Can I watch [TV Show #1]?”

Me: “No. Eat your breakfast.”

Toddler: “Can I watch [TV Show #2]?”

Me: “No. You’re grounded. You don’t get any TV today.”

Toddler: “Ride my bike?”

Me: “No. You’re grounded. You didn’t take Daddy to work. You’re in trouble.”

Now, when it’s time to take Daddy to work, she gets up promptly. She even goes in to “help” and get Daddy up, poor guy.