Her Name Is “Grandma”!

, , , , | Healthy | October 16, 2018

(I work as a nurse in a cancer hospital. One day I see a teenage boy, maybe 15 or 16, standing at the front desk of our inpatient unit. As I have a few spare moments, and it doesn’t appear that anyone else has helped him yet, I walk over to him.)

Me: “Hello! How can I help you today?”

Teenager: “Um, yeah. I’m here to see my Grandma?”

(Yes, it came out as a question, but I just brushed it off as being nerves at having to talk to a stranger.)

Me: “Fantastic! If you’ll just tell me her name, I can point you in the direction of her room.”

Teenager: “Uh… I don’t know.”

Me: *blank stare* “You don’t know what?”

Teenager: “I don’t know her name.”

(We blink at each other for a few seconds, as I’m too stunned to say anything.)

Me: “I’m sorry; I really don’t think I can help you out.”

(We have over 150 patients in our hospital. And how you don’t know your own grandma’s name is beyond me!)

Still Not Masking Their Attitude

, , , | Right | October 15, 2018

(It’s been a fairly normal weekend afternoon when a man walks in with a paper package and wet rag under his arm, and a utility mask around his neck. Shortly afterwards, he puts the utility mask onto his face and continues walking around. A few minutes later, he approaches my coworker at the register and places the wet rag and paper package, which is also wet on the bottom, onto the counter.)

Customer: *mumbles something*

Coworker: “I’m sorry, can you repeat that?”

Customer: *mumbles again*

Coworker: “I’m sorry, sir, I can’t understand you with the mask on; could you take it off for a moment?”

Customer: *sighs heavily and picks up the package and rag, then walks away*

Coworker: *looking to me* “What in the world just happened?”

The Color Is Off But So Is The Customer

, , , | Right | October 5, 2018

(I find a customer with several queen-size bedding sets in her cart. I can tell she’s stressing over something, so I come up to help.)

Me: “Hello, how can I help you today?”

Customer: “Yes, I’d like to find these sets that I’ve got in my cart, but I need them in a king size.”

Me: “Okay, let’s see…”

(After turning immediately to my left, I easily find the king-size bedding sets and pull them off the shelf for her. She seems incredulous.)

Customer: “Oh, are those the same sets?”

Me: “Well, yes, they’re the same ones you have in your cart, just in a king size.”

Customer: “How can you tell?”

(I look at the set through the clear packaging. This is a package where there’s a small picture and label on the front, but all sides of the package are crystal clear so you can see the sheets, pillowcases, decor pillows, and the comforter quite easily. I point out to her that not only is it the same color and pattern but that the name and description on the label is exactly the same. She points at the small picture on the package.)

Customer: “But this looks greener on the picture!”

Me: “Well, I don’t know about that.” *laughs* “I guess there was just a printer error on the picture; maybe the printer was a little out of red ink or something? You can see that the comforter is exactly the same color as the one in your cart.”

Customer: “Can I get a discount, then?”

Me: “What?”

Customer: “Can I get a discount?”

Me: “For what?”

Customer: “Because this picture’s color is off! Because the printer wasn’t working?”

Me: *sarcastically* “Okay, sure, but only if you promise to take this picture out of the packaging and frame it up on your wall above your bed.”

Customer: “Okay!”

Me: “No.”

Tech Support: More Important Than The President

, , , , | Right | October 4, 2018

(I am on a call with a client who’s a president of sorts for a pretty big-name company. I’m walking him through the process to install a few company applications on his phone. As we’re speaking, I hear someone trying to get his attention to ask him something. After a few moments of this, the client turns to that person speaking and says, loudly I might add:)

Caller: “Shut up, will you?! I’m on the phone with someone more important than you! You’re a VP; you figure it out!”

(I had to mute the call for a moment, I was laughing so hard.)

I’m A Complete Lesbozionist

, , , , , , , | Related | October 4, 2018

(It’s my 18th birthday party, just after I’ve officially come out of the closet to my family. It is snowing outside, which means the rest of my family is surprised when my grandfather and step-grandmother arrive, as they NEVER go out in the snow. It soon becomes apparent why when my step-grandmother asks to speak to me in private. She tells me that she and my grandfather heard about my “decision” and she wants me to reconsider. She and I have never been even a little bit close, but I make the mistake of humoring her for over an hour. She tells me about how hard it was for her to have a lesbian daughter, and how wonderful it was when she then came back to the Mormon church.)

Step-Grandmother: “And I had to work very hard to speak frankly with my daughter about her… um… lesbozism.”

(Suddenly it felt like my soul had left my body as I contemplated the word “lesbozism” until she stopped talking. Needless to say, she didn’t convince me, and years later my friends and I still speak of “lesbozism,” and its practitioners, “lesbozoos.”)

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