Carbs Cure All

, , , , | Related | December 11, 2018

(I call my mom in Virginia because I am sick and that is what moms are for. It’s just a cold, but it’s a miserable one with fever and inflamed sinuses and so much fluid from every hole in my face that I’m a giant, drippy, sore-throat mess.)

Mom: “You should gargle some hot salt water, or I like to get a little cup with equal parts vinegar and honey and drink that. If you can drink it straight, it’s better for your throat than diluting it with water.”

Dad: “Or you could just eat a bag of salt and vinegar chips.”

Me: *thoughtful pause* “I’m going to go get a bag of salt and vinegar chips. For medicinal use.”

(I could practically hear my mom’s eyes rolling through the phone.)

Bedazzling Embarrassment

, , , , | Right | November 28, 2018

(I’m recovering the back of our store. It’s the end of my shift and I’m a little done with people for the day. While cleaning up a table, I begin hearing a soft “clunk, clunk, clunk,” as if something is hitting the floor a few feet away, and I go to investigate. I find a woman shopping with her husband, nonchalantly talking to him as she drops pieces of jewelry on the floor she apparently doesn’t want anymore.)

Me: *in the sweetest tone* “Oh, would you like me to put those away for you?”

Customer: “Oh! I’m so sorry! No, I can put those away, I just—”

Me: *stooping down to pick up the jewelry* “Nope, it’s fine; I got it!”

Customer: “My hands were just so full and—”

Me: *still sweet* “No worries! Someone could just slip on these if they’re left on the floor, and we don’t want that, do we?”

Customer: “No, not at all, I—”

(I walked away before she could finish. I found one empty tag in the pile, which was probably nothing, but I reported her to my manager, anyway, so someone could keep a good eye on her after I left. I hope she felt extra embarrassed.)


Working Retail Leads To Extreme Carb-Loading

, , , , | Right | November 27, 2018

(I’ve worked at my job long enough to be recognized by our regulars. I have a bagel in my mouth, a bagel in one hand, and my uniform and apron in my other hand on my way to the registers to buy the bagels before my shift starts.)

Customer: “Excuse me. Will you ring me up?”

Me: *gives a significant look to both my hands and then back to the customer, bagel still in my mouth*

Customer: *after a moment* “Oh!”

Fries Are Too Fresh And Other Ridiculous Complaints

, , , , , , , | Right | November 21, 2018

I work in a popular fast food restaurant that is especially famous for its curly fries, which we try to keep as fresh as possible. We only let the unsold fries sit under a warmer for seven minutes before we throw them out and cook new ones. Needless to say, not many people can complain about getting old fries.

One day, this old lady comes up to the counter and slams her tray down while glaring at me. I ask her what the problem is, and she responds with, “These fries are too fresh! They are too crunchy for me to eat, so now I’m going to have to wait at least an hour so they are soft enough to eat! This is all your fault!”

I just stand there speechless as she walks away with her tray. True to her word, she proceeds to sit in the restaurant for over an hour before asking for a to-go bag and smugly taking her cold fries home to eat.

Too Dumb To Have Money

, , , , , | Right | November 17, 2018

(I work as a bank teller.)

Customer: “I’d like to withdraw twelve hundred dollars from my account.”

Me: “Certainly. Can I have your account number?”

Customer: “I don’t know it, and I don’t have my card.”

Me: “In that case, can I have your social security number to look it up?

Customer: “I don’t give that out.”

Me: “Well… okay. What is your name?”

Customer: “I don’t give it out.”

Me: “Can I see your ID?”

Customer: “You shouldn’t need my ID; just give me my money and hurry up!”

Me: “Sir, without ID we are unable to give you any money.”

Customer: *slams his first on the counter and yells* “What’s the point of even banking here at [Our Rival Bank] then?!” *storms out*

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