Sometimes Instant Karma Is A Little Gross

, , , , , , | Friendly | July 11, 2021

I’m non-binary, which means that even though I physically present male, I don’t care what gender I’m associated with. I’ll usually dress neutrally, but sometimes I dress more feminine. When this story takes place, I am wearing a feminine top and a woman’s jacket with camouflage pants. I’m in the bathroom at a fast food restaurant when a man comes up behind me.

Man: “Hey, [transphobic slur]!”

Before I can even turn around and while I’m still using the urinal, the man grabs my shoulder and spins me around. He did this so suddenly, I didn’t have much time to react and I accidentally splashed his boots with… well, you know. 

Man: “UGH! WHAT THE F***, MAN?!”

He then sprints out of the bathroom. Shaken up but thinking this is the end of the encounter, I finish my business and walk out of the bathroom. A manager stops me before I reach the food counter to place my order. The man is with him and looks really angry.

Manager: “This man says you peed on him in the bathroom because he asked to use the urinal next. You need to leave or I’ll be calling the police.”

Man: “And you’d better apologize to me, you [transphobic slur]!”

Me: “Um… actually, you yanked me away from the urinal while I was using it.”

Man: “That’s a lie!” *To the manager* “This [transphobic slur] and people like him should be locked in jail! They’re mentally diseased!”

Me: *Stunned* “But… you’re the one yelling insults at strangers.”

Manager: “I don’t care who started this.” *Looks at me* “You need to leave now or the cops will be called.” *Looks at the man* “You need to leave, too.”

Man: “But why me? I’m the victim! This [transphobic slur] peed all over me!”

I’m not usually a confrontational person, so I complied with the manager and left the restaurant. I didn’t see how the rest of it went down, but I did pass by a cop with flashing lights on my way home.

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Nothing’s Too Small To Celebrate These Days

, , , , , | Working | June 29, 2021

I’m on the phone with a customer who’s trying to format a file to send my way.

Me: “If you save it as a PDF, we’ll be able to open it.”

Customer: “So, when it asks what kind of file type I want to save it as, I choose PDF?”

Me: “Exactly. Let me know when you’ve done it.”

At this moment, the department head walks in, so I hit my mute button.

Head: “I just wanted you guys to know that we have won the office championship and will be having a party on Friday.”

We’ve been working very hard for a month to outperform the other departments. The others in my office cheer at their respective desks.

Customer: “That’s now saved as a PDF.”

Me: “WOOOHOOOOO!”

Customer: “THANKS! I’m pretty proud of myself!”

Me: *Trying not to laugh* “Great job. Just email that to me…”

Thank goodness I didn’t say something more embarrassing while I thought I was on mute.

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The Details Alma Matter

, , , , , , , , | Working | June 23, 2021

A few years ago, I went to visit my best friend from college. We decided to take a nostalgia trip to our alma mater.

First, we visited the Alumni House. We decided to sign up for the alumni program and purchase a couple of sweatshirts from them. We paid cash. The individual staffing the Alumni House counted our change back to us incorrectly; she gave us too much money. We pointed out the error and she recounted it back to us, again incorrectly. We tried one more time. When she did it a third time, we gave up. Before we left, we were given coupons for free double-scoop ice cream cones at the Dairy.

Our next visit was to the bookstore. At the time, I was collecting wine glasses from places I visited. I found one and purchased it. They had only been open for a few minutes when we arrived. I paid for my purchase and the clerk gave me my change. She had not set up her till completely and so the change came out of the bank bag.

Me: “Since I’m traveling, can I have the glass wrapped, please?”

Clerk: “Of course!”

And she went to the back to wrap it for me, leaving the till open and the bank bag sitting on the open drawer. I was stunned but didn’t choose to walk out with the bag or any of its contents.

Finally, we made our way to the Dairy. Their ice cream is famous, and we were really looking forward to our treat. While the coupon was for a free double-scoop, I only wanted a single scoop.

Cashier: *Puzzled* “But the coupon is for a double-scoop.”

Me: “I only want a single scoop.”

Cashier: “Are you sure? The coupon…”

Me: “Okay, how about you put the second scoop in a bowl and you can eat it?”

Cashier: “That’s not possible because the coupon is for a cone.”

I was barely containing my laughter at this point and so was my friend. I finally convinced the cashier that she could give me one scoop and she could give my second scoop for free to the next person that wanted a single scoop.

They say things come in threes. I guess that may be true. All of these at a well-respected university. I doubt I will go back again.

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This Job Is Sliding Downhill

, , , , | Right | June 21, 2021

I’m working as a lifeguard, and I’m currently stationed at the top of our pool’s slides. My job is to send kids down the slide spaced out so they don’t run into each other.

Kid #1: “Will you tell me when I can go?”

Me: “Yes.”

I watch the slides to see when it’s clear.

Kid #1: “Can I go yet?”

Me: *Seeing the slide isn’t clear* “Not yet—”

The kid goes down the slide.

Kid #2: “Will you tell me when to go?”

Me: “Yes.”

Internally: “That’s my literal job.”

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No Meat In Their Brain, Part 6

, , , , | Right | June 2, 2021

A few years ago, my family were out and about in town and decided to visit a well-known burger place, known for putting virtually anything you could want on your burger from grilled mushrooms and onions to A1 steak sauce.

One of our group decided to order a vegetarian burger. The rest of us were rather surprised as none of us are vegetarians. The ordering was completed without any other hiccups, and we sat down to wait for our food.

Once the food arrived, everyone dug in. Joy and merriment were had by all, except for the one who ordered the veggie burger. Upon sampling her order, she was surprised to find that there was no meat in her burger. Confused, the rest of us chimed in that she’d received exactly what she ordered: a burger without meat, hence a vegetarian burger. Woe unto us, however, for she stormed to the counter and demanded an explanation as to why she hadn’t received meat on her burger. The staff, to their infinite credit, made her a new burger to make her happy, and we finished the rest of the meal without incident.

The next day, we visited the same store to apologize on her behalf and to thank them for going above and beyond. We went back a few more times before we moved, but we made certain she was never with us!

Related:
No Meat In Their Brain, Part 5
No Meat In Their Brain, Part 4
No Meat In Their Brain, Part 3
No Meat In Their Brain, Part 2
No Meat In Their Brain

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