(I, a twenty-three year old woman, work third shift at a gas station, alone. It is the first major snowfall of the season and everybody who owns a plow is out there. A guy in his thirties comes in to buy a soda and cigarettes.)

Me: *after I scan them* “Anything else?”

Customer: *handing me the money* “A plowing partner.”

(As I’m putting it in the drawer, I suddenly wonder if he wasn’t talking about clearing snow. I decide to ignore the comment as I hand him his change. Apparently he also rethought his words.)

Customer: “I just realized that might have come off the wrong way…”

(I reassured him I knew what he meant, but that accidental suggestive comment actually made my night.)

(My husband’s sister is obnoxious. She’s always better than you at just about everything, or thinks she knows more about a subject than you. Note that she is woman in her 30s, not a child, so it is in no way endearing. One day while visiting my in-laws, she’s there, and I mention to the nephews that I’m thinking of learning Klingon.)

Nephew #1: “Oh, cool! It’d be really awesome to be able to do that.”

Nephew #2: “You could put stuff on a t-shirt in Klingon and nobody would know what it said! It’d be so awesome!”

Sister-In-Law: *smugly* “I love Star Trek so much that I’m learning Klingon! It’s so easy that I’m nearly fluent!”

(I roll my eyes, knowing that she’s full of bull, but I decide to have a bit of fun with her.)

Me: “Then what’s a p’tak? I’ve heard it in several different series but never could figure out what it was.”

Sister-In-Law: *scoffs* “Oh, that’s an easy one! It means ‘friend.'”

(I cough to hide my laughter, as does my husband, because we know that it does NOT mean ‘friend.’ The nephews even shake their head at her in disbelief.)

Me: “Are you sure? I’d hate to accidentally insult someone by calling them a p’tak. I don’t think it means ‘friend.’”

Sister-In-Law: *snottily* “Yes, it means ‘friend.’ You must not be much of a fan if you think it means anything else.”

(In her arrogance, my sister-in-law smiled proudly at what she thought was the greatest compliment. Any casual Trek fan knows that ‘p’tak’ is an insult by the context in which it is used in the show.)

(I’m hanging out with my cousins one evening when I tell them the shenanigans I’m going through while training my new dog.)

Me: “My dog is having trouble with the ‘down’ command, and I’ve had to try a few different kind of treats to entice her. I’m surprised the duck treats didn’t work, but shocked the beef liver ones didn’t either. She loves those things!”

Cousin #1: “Did you end up finding something that worked?”

Me: “Yeah, I tried the salami I had in my fridge for my lunch. Success!”

Cousin #2: “That makes sense. I totally would go down for salami.”

([Cousin #1] and I looked at each other and burst out laughing. It took [Cousin #2] a solid minute before she realized what she said. She turned red!)

(My brother-in-law organizes events. I have just received a bunch of flyers and other stuff which I plan on taking to my school to promote one of his festivals. Also, my boyfriend and I have recently seen a TV ad for schnitzels you can cook in a toaster. He and his friends are thrilled and discuss if they should get some to sell, amongst other items of junk food, at their hangout place. I am at home when the phone rings.)

Boyfriend: “Hey, what’s up? I’m at [Hangout Place] right now. Do you want to come, too?”

Me: “Yeah, sure. I’ll be there in a minute.”

Boyfriend: “Oh, and do you mind bringing a toaster?”

Me: “Ummm, okay. I’ll bring one.”

Boyfriend: “Okay, see ya.”

(I assume the guys did buy those schnitzels only to realize they don’t have a toaster, so I grab mine and head to the hangout place. I arrive to a crowd of about fifteen guys, all of them completely hysterical. I just stand there, baffled and still holding the toaster, until the laughter dies down.)

Me: “What’s wrong? [Boyfriend] asked me to bring a toaster?”

Boyfriend: *barely containing his laughter* “Noooo, dear, I asked you for one of [Brother-In-Law]’s posters. You know, for [Festival].”

(I have yet to live this one down.)

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(My sister is playing a video game when I hear a piano riff that plays when your in-game character dies.)

Me: “Did you just die?”

Sister: “Yup.”

Me: “It’s funny how I’ve already learned to recognize the sound of you dying.” *brief pause* “That sounds really creepy when you take it out of context.”