Driven By Fear, Threats & Minimum Wage

, , | Right | March 26, 2009

Me: “Thank you for calling customer support.”

Customer: “Hi. I need some help figuring out this thing. I’m not very familiar with electronics.” *pause* “YOU’RE A FRAUD AND I’M GOING TO THE BETTER BUSINESS BUREAU RIGHT NOW!”

Me: “Excuse me, sir, I don’t believe that’s necessary. How can I help you?”

Customer: “Oh, my friend said you’d only be useful if I scared you. How do I charge my unit?”

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Inconvenience Saves The Day

, , , | Right | March 18, 2009

Me: “Thank you for calling [Company] Pay Per View. This is [My Name] speaking. How can I help you?”

Customer: “Uh, yeah… I, uh, used up all my credit, and I need you to give me some more.”

Me: “You can purchase credit on our website, or through the automated system on the phone. Would you like assistance with either of those?”

Customer: *yelling* “NO! WHAT ARE YOU SAYING?! YOU SAYING I’M STUPID?!”

Me: “Um, no… I was just offering to–”

Customer: “WELL, NOW I WANT IT FREE! I DEMAND £20 FREE CREDIT!”

Me: “I can’t just hand out free credit like that; that’s not how it works. If you have a complaint, I can transfer you to that department–”

Customer: “NO!” *suddenly quiet* “Where is your office located?”

Me: “We’re in [Location].”

Customer: “RIGHT! I’M GONNA COME DOWN THERE AND F*** YOU UP! I KNOW YOUR NAME, F***HEAD! I’LL F****** FIND YOU!”

Me: “…”

Customer: “Wait, where is [Location], exactly?”

Me: “Um… about an hour out of the city by bus or car.”

Customer: “What?! Really? That far? Nah… I’ll probably leave it so. Thanks anyway. Bye.” *hangs up*

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Allergy Season Nightmare

, , | Right | March 17, 2009

Me: “Thank you for calling [Tech Support]. This is [My Name]. How can I help you?”

Customer: *yelling* “IS THIS TECH SUPPORT?!”

Me: “Yes, ma’am, it is. How can I help you?”

Customer: “My Internets are broken and I need you to fix it now.”

Me: “Okay, what’s your account number?”

Customer: “Ugh. You can’t just see it?”

Me: “No, ma’am, I have to look it up in our database.”

Customer: “S***. Fine, it’s [number].”

Me: “All right, just a moment here while I bring up the info…”

Customer: “Just hurry it up, will you?”

Me: “Okay, it’s coming up now…”

Customer: *sneezes*

(About ten seconds pass in silence. I can hear children talking in the background.)

Customer: “Excuse me…”

(I stay quiet, assuming she’s talking to the children.)

Customer: “EXCUSE ME!”

Me: “Sorry, were you speaking to me?”

Customer: “YES, YOU IDIOT! WHAT THE F*** is WRONG with you people?”

Me: “I’m sorry? I’m not sure I understand…”

Customer: “I SNEEZED AND YOU DIDN’T BLESS ME! WHAT ARE YOU, SOME KIND OF ATHEIST?! DON’T YOU REALIZE WHAT WILL HAPPEN IF YOU DON’T BLESS SOMEONE WHEN THEY SNEEZE?”

Me: “Actually, ma’am, I really don’t, but I apol–”

Customer: *interrupting* “YOU’RE A F****** HEATHEN! I HOPE YOU BURN IN H*** FOR THIS YOU…” *continues screaming*

Me: “Ma’am, I apologize if I’ve offended. I’ve found your account information, and it looks like your service was terminated three months ago.”

Customer: “YES! THAT’S HOW LONG IT’S BEEN DOWN! WHY CAN’T YOU FIX IT?!”

Me: “Because you don’t have an account with us anymore. You were canceled because of non-payment. If you’d like, I can transfer you to billing, and–”

Customer: *unintelligible screaming then hangs up*

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Your Infrastructure Dollars At Work

, , | Right | March 13, 2009

(Late at night, a customer comes to register with a tall bottle of whiskey and off-brand cola.)

Me: “Do you have your [Store Customer] card?”

Customer: “Yeah, I got it right here on my cell phone. You see, I gotta have my phone on me at all times in case the boss calls; I got the keys to heavy machinery.”

Me: “Oh yeah?”

Customer: “You know how much fun it is to drive a bulldozer when you’re sober? IMAGINE THAT WHILE YOU’RE DRUNK!”

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Random Acts Of Drunkenness

, | Right | March 4, 2009

(A customer stumbles up to the counter, obviously drunk, with a four-year-old girl in tow.)

Me: “Hi, how can I help you today?”

Customer: “Yeah, uh, my camera’s broken.”

Me: “Sir, it looks like the camera’s been dropped.”

Customer: “Oh, yeah, I dropped it.”

Me: “Do you have your receipt from the purchase with you, by chance?”

Customer: “Sure…” *hands receipt to me*

Me: “Okay, sir, I see here that you bought an accidental coverage warranty when you bought the camera, so the good news is that it will cover having it repaired at one of our service centers. We’ll just have to send it off, and it should arrive back at the store in about two weeks.”

Customer: “No! You’re supposed to give me a new camera.”

Me: “I’m sorry, sir, but I can’t exchange your camera because it’s about six months outside of our return policy, and our warranties don’t cover product replacement without attempting repairs first.”

Customer: “I WANT A NEW CAMERA! YOU TOLD ME I COULD JUST COME IN AND GET A NEW CAMERA!”

Me: “I apologize, but there’s not much else I can do. If you’d like, I can get you my supervisor and see what he says.”

Customer: “YEAH, YOU BETTER GO GET HIM!”

(I bring my supervisor over, and the supervisor confirms that we can only repair the camera.)

Customer: “F*** YOU! I NEED A CAMERA NOW! MY DAUGHTER’S BIRTHDAY IS TOMORROW, GOD D*** IT!”

Supervisor: “Well, we can either have the camera repaired, or you can bring home a broken camera today, if you’d like.”

Customer: “FINE! BUT I’M NOT HAPPY AND I’M NEVER SHOPPING AT [STORE] AGAIN!”

(Two weeks pass, and the same customer comes back in to pick up his repaired camera, again obviously drunk.)

Me: “Here’s your camera, sir. The warranty fully covered the repair, so you’re all good to go. By the way, how did things go with your daughter’s birthday?”

Customer: “Oh, it was GREAT! Thank you so much for fixing my camera. You guys are real lifesavers! I’m gonna buy stuff here every chance I get!”

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