Batteries And Brains Not Included

, , , , , | Right | June 3, 2009

Me: “[Video Game Store]. how can I help you?”

Caller: “I’d like to return my 320.”

Me: “You mean your Xbox 360?”

Caller: “Yeah, whatever, it has numbers in it.”

Me: “Okay, has it been opened?”

Caller: “Yes.”

Me: “Then I can’t return the 360 for you. I can only give you a defective exchange.”

(At this point, caller gets very agitated and begins yelling and cursing on the phone.)

Me: “Ma’am, can you stop yelling?”

Caller: “I demand to speak to your manager! This is outrageous! You have no idea what you are doing in the retail business. Customers are ALWAYS right.”

Me: “To a certain extent, yes. I can give you a defective exchange, but that’s it.”

Caller: “Well, how the h*** am I supposed to know if my 360 works or not with the exchange?!”

Me: “You’ll know if it blinks green lights or red lights when you plug it into the TV.”

Caller: “I don’t have a f****** TV!”

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Reach Out And Touch Someone’s Nerve

, | Right | May 13, 2009

Me: *on the phone* “Good morning. [My Name] speaking.”

Customer: “I need to speak to a computer technician.”

Me: “I’m sorry, but nobody’s in right now. We don’t open for another twenty minutes or so. Did you want to try calling back in about half an hour?”

Customer: “No.”

Me: “Um… okay. Can I take a message for them to call you back?”

Customer: “No! I called NOW, so I want to talk to a computer technician NOW!”

Me: “…but there’s nobody in to take your call.”

Customer: “I need to speak with your manager.”

Me: “Uh, why?”


Me: “So… you would’ve been happier if nobody answered?”


Me: “I think I do. Bye now!” *click*

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Third Time’s A Charm For A Two-Faced One Track Mind

, , | Right | May 5, 2009

Me: “Thank you for calling [Phone Company]. How may I help you today?”

Caller: “Um, yeah, my phone stopped working. I need you guys to fix that for me.”

Me: “Certainly, sir. May I ask what exactly is the problem?”

Caller: “Well, the Internet on my phone quit working a few days ago.”

Me: “Okay, I can definitely help you out with that. I do need your mobile phone number, please…”

(The customer gives me his number, and I discover that his phone is not compatible with the Internet plan on his account. Furthermore, he can not change it because the account is not in his name.)

Me: “…okay, so you understand why we cannot change that, right?”

Caller: “Yeah, I guess so. Thanks anyway, man.”

Me: “Not a problem, sir. Thank you very much for choosing [Phone Company]. You have a wonderful day, sir.”

(This is where things get interesting. Instead of hanging up, I immediately hear the following…)

Female Voice: “Aw, baby, what’s wrong?”

Caller: “This f****** douchebag won’t fix my god-d*** phone! I’ve had this d***ed thing for three years, never had a problem with it, now this f*** wont help me out!”

Me: “Excuse me, sir? You never actually hung up the phone. Might I suggest we do that now before anything else is said?”

Caller: *brief pause* “…oh, my God! I am so sorry! Oh, my God, sir, please don’t turn off my phone! PLEASE!”

Me: “Not a problem. Just please remember to hang up the phone, okay?”

(I wait for him to hang up a second time, but again, he doesn’t…)

Caller: “I can’t believe that f****** p***k stayed on the phone! What was he trying to do?! A**hole! I mean, can’t he freaking help a guy out?!”

Female Voice: *quietly* “I think you’re on speakerphone…”

Me: “Excuse me, sir? You forgot to hang up again.”

Caller: “S***! GIMME A BREAK!” *click*

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Beans From The Third Rice

, | Right | April 28, 2009

(On Mondays we have a medium cup of coffee for a dollar deal. A woman came in to order her drink.)

Customer: “I would like a small coffee with steamed milk.”

Me: “Okay.”

Customer: “Actually, it’s with soy milk.”

Me: “Okay.”

Customer: “And you know what? Make it a medium.”

Me: “Okay, that’ll be $3.18.”

Customer: “No, it’s only a dollar.”

Me: “But it’s steamed soy milk; that’s different from–”

Customer: “You guys are so soy unfriendly! If I have dairy I could go into anaphylactic shock! This is ridiculous; it’s a medium coffee! It’s only extra because of soy milk. I can’t believe this!”

Me: “Ma’am, it’s extra for two percent, too.”

Customer: “You are just a soy Nazi! Give me my money back; I’m going to [Competitor]. Don’t expect to see me again; this is so ridiculous! You guys aren’t going to make any money if you aren’t more soy friendly. You’re just soy Nazis!”

Me: “…”

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Who’s Got The Power Now, Part 2

, , , , | Right | April 24, 2009

Caller: “I don’t care what your little book says. Put my f****** power on!”

Me: “I can’t do that for you unless you pay your debt in full, sir.”

Caller: “Why are you being a b**** about this? Just let it slide!”

Me: “We’ve been letting it slide for months, sir. You now owe us in excess of a thousand dollars. Our rules are very clear: we are not to reconnect your power until you pay your debt.”

Caller: “F*** you! I’m going to kill you! I’m going to come to your house and kill you!”

Me: “The difference between you and me, sir, is that I know where YOU live.”

Caller: *click*

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