Refusing To Validate Their Excuse

, , , , | Right | July 15, 2021

In London, you have one card that can be used on public transport within the London area, regardless of kind of transport.

On the bus I take each morning are two young women who are clearly used to getting their way. They hug four seats and nurse hot drinks — open drink containers are not allowed — each day. They also have distinct English accents. Although in principle, passengers are required to show proof of payment, most people just get on the bus.

This morning is a bit different, as a control unit boards the bus. They close exits and check if you’ve paid your fare.

Controller: *In Dutch* “Tickets, please.”

Woman #1: *Looking very innocent* “I’m sorry, I didn’t know you had to pay for the bus in Belgium. Where I come from, you don’t need to.”

Me: “Strange. I’m pretty sure that last month in London, I had to pay for the bus.”

Woman #1: *Throwing me a look to shut me up* “Well, we only have tickets for the subway.”

Yes, she did have a ticket she had to validate upon boarding, valid for ten fares.

Controller: *In English* “It is the same ticket for the subway and the bus.”

Woman #2: “Oh, I’m sorry, we didn’t know. It is different in London. We will use it next time.”

Me: “Hmm. I’m pretty sure that I used the same ticket on the bus as well as on the subway in London.”

Both women glare at me, sending a clear message to butt out. I just smile, friendly.

Woman #1: “We are just here for a month and these tickets are expensive.”

Controller: “You can take a season ticket for a month and take as many trips as you like.”

Sadly, the controller let it slide this time and didn’t make them validate the ticket, either, as I’ve seen on other checks. On the plus side, I didn’t see them on this particular ride anymore.

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And That’s How The Stolen Cookie Crumbles

, , | Right | July 9, 2021

I’m working in my grocery store when I see a man open a pack of cookies that someone had left on a table in the frozen foods section and eat several. As he walks away from the open pack I confront him:

Me: “Sir, you need to pay for those.”

Customer: “But they’re free samples!”

Me: “No, they’re not, sir.”

Customer: “But I couldn’t have known because that table is used for tasters!”

Me: “Sir, there are always signs hanging up saying what can be tasted; this table is completely blank. We never leave tasters in the packaging, we always open them and display them on a tray. Also, we have actual cookies out for tasting, in the cookie aisle, which you would have had to have passed to get here.”

Customer: “I had no way of knowing! It’s not my fault!”

Me: “Sir, you still opened a brand-new product and ate several of them, you will have to pay for it.”

It ends, or so I think, with me saying something along the line of “you eat, you buy it, end of discussion” and placing the item in his cart so he could have the rest of the cookies as well. But I have a feeling, so when I see him waiting in line at the checkout, I walk by him and see the cookies aren’t in his cart. I rush back to the frozen section and sure enough, between the shelves sits the still-open package of cookies.

I take it, go to the cashier in whose line he’s waiting, walking right past him, cookies in hand.

Me: *To Cashier.* “That guy over there opened this, ate several, and doesn’t want to pay. I already explained it to him and he tried to hide them when I wasn’t looking. Charge him for the cookies and don’t take no for an answer.”

I walk back into the store, looking him straight in the eyes, and gave him a customer service smile. He ended up paying for the cookies.

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What, You Didn’t See That Coming?

, , , , | Legal | June 6, 2021

We’ve been getting a lot of scam calls for the past few months. Sometimes it’s “Windows” claiming my computer has a bug, sometimes we’ve apparently “won a free consultation with a fortune teller,” and so on. My mother works from home and is getting pretty pissed off because they keep interrupting her work. I decided to handle the next call.

Me: “Hello?”

Scammer: “Congratulations! You’ve been selected for a free consultation with our fortune teller!”

Me: *In a creepy tone* “Oooooh, I knew you were going to call me.”

Scammer: “Right! So, all we need from you is—”

Me: *Interrupting* “Oooooh, I knew you were going to ask me something.”

Scammer: “Okay, madam, erm… So, our fortune teller—”

Me: “Ooooooh, I knew it was a fortune teller.”

Scammer: *Stammering* “Erm… I don’t understand.”

Me: “Oooooh, I’m a Seer myself, you see.”

There’s a pause and then the scammer hangs up.

Me: “Oooooh, I knew they were going to hang up.”

My mother had to leave the room because she was laughing so much.

This story is part of our Best Of June 2021 roundup!

Read the next Best Of June 2021 roundup story!

Read the Best Of June 2021 roundup!

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The Situation Is Very Fluid

, , , | Right | May 17, 2021

This was a few years back but well after 9/11 and the extra measures put in place after the events. I was waiting in line for the security check and in front of me was a travel group, about thirty individuals, mostly elderly people. They were from a part of the country generally joked about as being slow. Now, it is wrong to treat people according to stereotypes, but sometimes… they just can’t help confirming it.

I belatedly realized I had a liquid lip gloss on me and started to doubt whether it would be considered a liquid or not. I decided to treat it as a liquid and put it separate from the rest of my luggage in a clear plastic bag as per regulations.

An older lady from the group asked me what I was doing and I explained my predicament.

Lady: “Oh, I have a bottle of water with me!”

Me: “You should put it in a separate bag, too. And they might confiscate it for being too much liquid.”

That was all duly indicated with large signs. She got a stubborn expression on her face.

Lady: “They’d better not confiscate my water! I need it in case I get thirsty! I also have my good potato knife with me, in case I have to skin an apple on the plane.”

I held my peace this time and let security do their job.

My remark about the liquid travelled through the group, but they all decided defiantly to hold onto their liquids. I kid you not, each and every member of the group had at least one item confiscated, being it liquids or sharp objects, and most of them wouldn’t give in without a fight. Apart from that, the majority had to be patted down because the metal detector gave an alarm.

I’m still unsure if my lip gloss was considered a liquid but I was the first to walk through without any confiscation and alarm.

A member of the security, frantically trying to keep an overview and prevent anyone giving him the slip, tried to stop me and guide me to the members of the group waiting to be patted down as his colleague told him I could go. I just smiled as he looked a bit dazed and surprised as well as a bit relieved.

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Quack Quack, Gobble Gobble

, , , , , , | Related | May 16, 2021

My wife has the most adorable godson. When he was about four years old, my wife and I took him on a trip to the zoo. We arrived at the “savannah,” a big enclosure with elephants, giraffes, zebras, etc. In addition to the fence, there was a big moat to keep the animals from escaping.

Wife: “Look, [Godson], elephants! Oh, and giraffes! Aren’t they funny with those long necks?”

Godson: *Pointing to the moat* “Look, Auntie, ducks!”

Wife: *Laughing* “Oh, man! If he wanted to see ducks, we could have taken him to the park, instead.”

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