What About Daddy Cool?

, , , , | Related | April 9, 2020

My brother and sister-in-law taught their three-year-old daughter her last names and their respective names. They are showing what she learned in front of the family. In Belgium, it is not customary to take the name of your husband.

Sister-In-Law: “[Niece], what is your name?”

Niece: “[Niece’s Full Name].”

Brother: “Who is that?”

He points to his wife.

Niece: “Mum.”

Brother: “And what is Mum called?”

Niece: “[Sister-in-Law’s Full Name].”

Sister-In-Law: “Very good, honey. And who is that?”

She points to my brother. My niece speaks after a second’s delay, very upbeat.

Niece: “Daddy [Brother].”

We erupt in laughter.

Brother: *Fake insulted* “Daddy [Brother]? What other daddies do you have?”

I guess my niece considered her last name belonging to her and could not see how she shared it with her dad.

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There’s No Contact But We Can Still Find You

, , , , | Right | March 31, 2020

(I’m a front side service member, meaning I do everything from cleaning to taking orders to checking out customers. This happened a year or so ago, when contactless payments or card “tapping” started to become more commonplace.

A customer comes up to the till.)

Me: “Afternoon, sir! Enjoyed the meal?”

Customer: “I did, actually. Here, my ticket.”

Me: “Thanks. All right, we had [order]. That’s a grand total of [price].”

Customer: “Debit card, please.”

(The customer starts tapping his card to the side of the terminal.)

Me: “Oh, I’m afraid the tapping feature is disabled. Our register system isn’t set up to accept those yet.”

Customer: “What do you mean? This is a contactless card, and the terminal says I can pay contactless.”

Me: “True, it does say that. But all that means is that the terminal could, in theory, assuming the register is set up. Ours isn’t, so you’ll have to insert the card.”

Customer: “No! I can and I will pay contactless!”

Me: “Sir, I’m sorry, but that’s not possible at this time. We’ve tried to get it online, but it broke down right after. Just insert your card, please, and we can pay it the old-fashioned way.”

Customer: “No! This is ridiculous! I should be able to pay however I want!”

(The customer left without paying. Since he was a lot bigger than I am, and I had a line of customers to deal with, I didn’t stop him. Instead, I noted down his license plate, checked with the manager if the cameras were running, and sent the bill to his home address… paired with a lovely dine and dash fine.)

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The Situation Has Gone A Bit Awooooo

, , | Right | March 24, 2020

(I work at a car rental shop where we have our own garage for small repairs with mechanics who are offered jumpsuits to protect their clothes. We also have a policy of no animals in the cars and no smoking.)

Customer: “Hi. I just checked out my car and it smells a bit like smoke; can I get a new one?”

Me: “Yes, of course! I’m very sorry for the inconvenience this has caused you.”

(The customer leaves with no other problems and returns the car on time with no complaints.)

Me: “If you could just wait right here, I’ll go check out the car to make sure everything’s in order. It won’t be too long.” 

(I find a large amount of dog hair in the back. After talking with another employee, we agree the guy broke the contract.) 

Me: “Sorry, sir, there seems to be a slight problem with the car.”

Customer: “What?! I did nothing wrong! I am a good customer; you should be honoured to have me!”

Me: “Sir, there is a large amount of dog hair in the back of the car. You signed a contract before leaving agreeing to no animals in the car.”

Customer: “How do you know it was me? It could have been one of your employees! Stupid kids, always pinning the blame on someone else!” 

(Right then, a mechanic comes around the back after hearing half of the conversation.)

Mechanic: “Hey, just finished cleaning another car.”

Me: “As you can see, sir, all of our employees are required to wear these suits when cleaning and keys are locked away at the end of the day to ensure safekeeping.” 

Mechanic: “And from breaking contract, you will have to pay to have the car cleaned.”

Customer: “This is all some Commie scam! You just want to get the hard-working guys like me! We get no break! When else are we supposed to drop off our pets to the kennels?! This is horrible! Here! Take the d*** money. I’m never coming back here!”

(He promptly tosses €100 at us to cover for cleaning and storms out.)

Me: “Doesn’t it only cost €20 to clean the cars?”

Mechanic: “Looks like you just got a bonus.”

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Unfiltered Story #190326

, | Unfiltered | March 21, 2020

A rather skinny woman and her female friend had ordered their drinks from another waiter while waiting for a table. When a table in my section got available, she and her friend took their drinks and got seated at that table.

Me: “Good evening! How can I help you?”
Lady: “I would like the lamb burger. But can I have it well done because I’m pregnant?”
Me: “Off course! And congratulations!”
Lady: “Thank you so much!”

Her friend ordered too. Some time later, I arrived with their food. She got her order exactly as she ordered.

Me: “Here you go! Enjoy your meal. Would you like anything else?”
Friend: “I’d like another glas of rosé wine.”
Lady: “Me too”
Me (obviously oblivious): “Off course! I’ll be right back with your drinks.”

I started to walk away, but the lady calls after me:

Lady: “Oh damn, I have no willpower!”

As usual when I don’t really get the situation, I turn around and give her a huge smile. Halfway going to the bar, I realised she was indeed drinking rosé, and had just ordered ANOTHER glass, while PREGNANT. So I went talking to the manager.

Me: “Ehm, a pregnant lady just ordered a glass of wine and It doesn’t seem right to me to give her alcohol.”
Manager: “Really?? That’s plain stupid. But if you already took the order, it’s too late to thell her no. Just bring her the wine. *ranting* I really don’t get why people would do that?!
Me: “Should I just tell her: “Here’s your Korsakov”?
Manager: *laughing* “Yeah, just do that!”

In the end, off course I didn’t say that, I just dropped of their drinks and asked if everything was alright. But actually, next time, I think I’ll call out someone who’s drinking while pregnant. It’s really not ok for a pregnant woman to drink alcohol. And I actually feel really bad serving it to them.

Brilliant Belching Baby Brothers

, , , , , | Related | March 18, 2020

Last century, my grandad was one of the first people to have a tracheotomy for throat cancer and survive. With it came speech therapy and an alternative way to speak, based on a technique of burping. He was ashamed to do his exercise but quickly found a way around it.

He was taking long walks with his then youngest grandchild, my brother, all the while practicing his speech. Nobody thought it strange as people make all sorts of sounds to babies. As my brother was between six months and a year old, he was at his most receptive for language development and was quick to pick up what my granddad was doing.

One night, in his crib, he was imitating the sounds my granddad made, sounding as if he was choking, scaring my mum and making her rush to him. It took a while before she made the connection and understood what the baby was doing.

And that is the story of how my brother learned to speak at an early age and how, to this day, he can belch upon request.

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