My eight-year-old came home from school, and I asked her how the day had gone.

Eight-Year-Old: “A boy in my class had to get picked up early.”

Me: “Why?”

Eight-Year-Old: *Matter-of-factly* “He didn’t make it to the bathroom in time, so his mom took him home to change. It was near the end of the day, so he just stayed home.”

Me: “Oh, no. That must have been awful for him. You didn’t make fun of him, I hope?”

She looked at me like I had three heads.

Eight-Year-Old: “Make fun of him? Why? It was just an accident.”

Me: “Did anyone make fun of him?”

Eight-Year-Old: *Still incredulous* “Of course not! We would never do that!”

There’s hope for the future!

I’ve been selling gourmet chocolate treats at our public market shop for more than three years without incident when I encounter a less-than-talented scammer determined to save money by less-than-honest means.

Scammer: “What’s the best deal?”

Me: “This bag of assorted chocolates at $14 each.”

With his right hand, he pulls a $20 bill from his wallet.

Scammer: “Can I get two bags for $20?”

Woah! That’s an $8 savings on an already discounted product. We’re not authorized to offer that kind of savings, however.

Me: “Two would be $28, but there’s a $2 discount for buying two together, a total of $26.”

The scammer adds a five to go along with his twenty, now holding $25 in his right hand.

Scammer: “That’s all I’ve got.”

Now he’s only a dollar short, but my employer allows no price negotiations, so I’m about to decline his offer… and then I see that the wallet in his left hand clearly has a $100 bill sticking out. Busted!

Me: *Brightly* “Good news, sir! I can make change for a $100!”

He somehow located another five, and I gave him his two bags of chocolates and $4 in change.

I filled his order for the proper amount and did not need to publicly accuse him of trying a feeble scam. That’s a win-win in my book!

My parents and I decide to stop at an ice cream store. Because it’s starting to get a little busy, my dad gives us his order and goes to get a table while my mom and I stand in line.

Our turn comes up, my mom orders what my dad wants and the employee turns to start making it. A second employee comes up.

Employee #2: “Is this everything for you guys?”

Mom: “We’ve got a couple more items. I’d like [order], whatever my daughter is having, and three waters.”

Me: “Can I get [specialty ice cream]?”

Employee #2: “Okay.”

[Employee #2] starts making my mom’s order

Meanwhile, [Employee #1], who has been making my dad’s order, puts that order on the counter, so I grab it and take it over to my dad. While that’s going on, my mom grabs three waters out of the cooler, and [Employee #1] starts ringing us up. I come back to the counter.

Employee #1: “Okay, so just [my dad’s order] and the waters?”

Mom: “No. We’ve got [my dad’s order], [her order], and [my order] along with the waters.”

[Employee #1] is clearly new and starting to panic. I’m not sure if we confused her, she is really, really, new or what, but she starts looking around and asking for help. [Employee #2] is busy, and I can’t tell if she is just not paying attention or is deliberately ignoring [Employee #1].

[Employee #1] finally excuses herself and goes into the back, coming out with what I’m guessing is a manager, who comes straight to the counter.

Manager: “Okay, so just [my dad’s order] and the waters?”

Mom: “No. For the third time, we’ve got [my dad’s order], [her order], [my order], and the waters.”

Her order gets placed on the counter at this point.

Manager: “Ma’am, there’s no need to talk to me like that. I just got out here.”

Mom: “I understand that you just got out here. But your other two employees have been out here this whole time. [Employee #1] asked for help several times and was ignored. And no one has even started making [my order] yet.”

The manager got quiet at that point and finally rang us up correctly, but she was side-glaring at my mom the whole time. I still don’t understand what was so complicated about that order.

Many years ago, I started working for a minor company, and pretty much everybody warned me that [Coworker #1] (among others) was a major moocher. “Don’t ever loan him money!”

After a month or so, I’d confirmed that, and I’d also learned that [Coworker #1] was a MAJOR pest.

The next time he hit me up for a loan “until payday”, I “reluctantly” let myself be convinced.

He should have known better.

I started reminding him of the loan several days before payday. On payday, of course, he didn’t have the money. By a week or so after payday, he flinched when he heard my voice, and he was actively avoiding me! It was marvelous!

A couple of months later, a female coworker that [Coworker #1] had a crush on came over to my machine, obviously irritated. [Coworker #2] seemed rather surprised that [Coworker #1] didn’t tag along all the way over there. I wasn’t surprised in the slightest!

She made some disparaging remark about him, so I asked if she wanted him to go away.

Coworker #2: “YES!”

Me: “No problem!”

I stepped around the corner.

Me: “Hey, [Coworker #1], about—”  

[Coworker #1] disappeared so fast, I swear there was a sonic boom!

[Coworker #2] was staring when I came back around the corner, laughing.

Coworker #2: “How did you do that?!”

Me: “Magic! Say the magic words, and the annoying little git disappears every time!”

I eventually explained things to [Coworker #2], and she thought it was hilarious.

And it turned out that there was someone else who had done the same thing I had. We were amazed that [Coworker #1] never paid either one of us off to make it stop.

I work in a home improvement store. I have just finished helping an older man pick out supplies for a few projects.

Me: “Okay, sir, you should be all set. You can head up to the front and pay at the registers.”

Can you guess what I said wrong there?

If you guessed that I said, “Can head up to the front,” instead of, “Have to head up to the front,” then you’ve correctly guessed the logic this man tried to use when he was caught pushing his cart toward the door without paying.

He did eventually follow my poor confused coworker to the register and paid, but he maintained a constant mix of shouting and grumbling the entire time, acting like the fact that he would have to pay for his purchases was some conspiracy that I had suckered him into with false pretenses, rather than a fact of retail most people pick up on by the time they’re eight or so.

I remained blissfully unaware of all of this until my coworker complained to me about it during our next break and her description of the man stirred my memory. I confirmed that, while I likely did say “can” instead of “have to” as the man claimed, I certainly hadn’t done anything to actually encourage the idea that payment was optional.

Related:
Doesn’t Understand The Custom Part Of Customer, Part 25
Doesn’t Understand The Custom Part Of Customer, Part 24
Doesn’t Understand The Custom Part Of Customer, Part 23
Doesn’t Understand The Custom Part Of Customer, Part 22
Doesn’t Understand The Custom Part Of Customer, Part 21