(The customer in this story never actually raises his voice, but he speaks very intensely and slowly the whole time, practically leaning over the counter, looking me in the eye as much as possible.)

Me: “Would you like your receipt?”

Customer: “Only if you print it.”

(I pause, confused.)

Customer: “I only want it if you print it.”

(Thinking he means that he doesn’t want it emailed, I print the receipt. Hesitantly, I hand it to him.)

Me: “You said you wanted it?”

Customer: *shaking head* “No, ma’am, I didn’t. I said I only wanted it if you printed it.”

(I try to draw the receipt back to throw away, but he reaches for it.)

Me: “I didn’t understand what you meant.”

Customer: “I don’t know why; I say that to some people, and they just don’t print it, and I say it to others and they print it. I don’t get what’s so confusing about it, maybe you can tell me what I’m saying that’s confusing.”

Me: “I just didn’t know if you didn’t want it emailed…”

Customer: “No, I didn’t want it emailed, I only wanted it if you had to print it, because I have to destroy it. And I don’t want you to throw it away, because I don’t want someone finding it and getting my information. So I have to destroy it. But I don’t want to destroy it because I want to save a tree. I’d like to save a tree.”

(I nod as he finally leaves, and the next customer comes up, rolling her eyes and laughing quietly.)

(I work in an ice cream shop.)

Customer: “Can I try this flavor?”

Me: “Sure!”

(I hand her a sample stick with the flavor. After she tastes it, she tries to hand back the sample stick with her saliva all over it.)

Me: “Oh… There’s a trash bin right next to your hand.”

(It’s labeled, “TRASH.” The customer just looked at me and rolled her eyes. I’m sorry I didn’t want to touch your saliva-covered sample stick when we have cups clearly labelled, “TRASH,” on the counter.)

Father: “No, you can’t get a big ice cream. You won’t eat it. You’ll get a small one.”

Boy: “But Daddy, a medium one, please.”

Father: “They don’t have medium — only big and small — so I’m getting you a small.”

Boy: “Mediuuuummmm, pleeeease!”

Father: *looks at the display next to the window saying, “small 120g 2PLN, big 200g 4PLN”* “One medium 120-grams ice cream, please.”

Boy: “Oh, thanks, Daddy!”

(I manage an ice cream store. This started happening on a weekend morning when I am the only one in the store, right after we open, before there is any significant amount of change in the till.)

Customer: “I’d like a scoop of [flavor] on a sugar cone.”

Me: “That will be $1.49.”

(The customer hands me a hundred-dollar bill.)

Me: “Do you have anything smaller? I just opened and I don’t have much change yet.”

Customer: “No, I’m sorry. Is there any way you can make this work?”

Me: “Hold on. Let me try.”

(I dig through the till and the change bag in the office until I find enough change, largely in ones, to give her back what I owe her. I then count it back the old-fashioned way: twice to myself, and then once to her.)

Customer: “Thanks!” *goes out to the car, and then came back inside* “I’m short $5.”

Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am, I don’t think that’s possible. Do you mind if I count it again?”

(She lets me count it, and sure enough, it is $5 short.)

Me: “Oh my, I’m sorry, let me get your $5.”

(She leaves, and I chalk it up to an early morning and too many ones in the pile. The next day she comes back in, orders another single on a cone, and pays with another hundred. I, again, try my best to get her change, count it four or five times, and send her on her way. She, AGAIN, says it is short: $10 this time. I counts it again, and it is… so I give her the $10 and let her go. Two days later, SHE COMES BACK IN.)

Customer: “I’d like another scoop of [flavour] on a sugar cone, please.”

Me: “Sure, but first I need to make sure you have correct payment.”

Customer: “Excuse me?”

Me: “Well, over the past three days, my drawer has come up short twice. Saturday it was $5 short, and Sunday it was $10 short. I’m no longer accepting bills over $20 until after two pm, in an effort to make sure that nobody gets shorted: us or the customer. What will you be paying with today?”

Customer: “Well, all I have is this hundred.”

Me: “Unfortunately, I cannot accept that.”

Customer: “That’s ridiculous; I’ve been using them all weekend!”

Me: “I’m sorry.”

(She left. I still can’t imagine why someone who walks around with hundreds in their pockets would need to lift $15, but I do know that she was stealing from me. After she tried it with a few more employees, I had to call the police and have her banned from the store.)

(I work in an ice cream shop. The phone rings and, as the manager on, I answer it.)

Caller: “Hi, do you sell Pepto-Bismol-flavored ice cream?”

Me: “Excuse me?”

Caller: “Like the stomach-relief stuff. Do you have an ice cream flavor like that?”

Me: “Uh, no, we do not.”

Caller: “I have a headache; will ice cream help that?”

Me: “I really am not sure.”

Caller: *in a chipper voice* “Okay, thanks!” *hangs up*

Me: “What the f*** just happened?!”