I work in a cold slab ice cream place. A customer has made an order. He watches as I mix a scoop of vanilla with strawberries and graham cracker crumble on the cold marble slab. It’s a smooth process, practiced, quick, and clean. The customer is frowning.

Customer: “Wait, wait. You’re putting it on the counter? You’re mixing it right on that thing?”

Me: “Yes, sir, that’s the cold slab. It keeps the ice cream from melting while we blend your toppings.”

Customer: *Disgusted.* “Is that… hygienic? Like, really? Shouldn’t you use a bowl or something? I don’t want my food on some random rock!”

I nod toward the sanitizing station right behind me, the clearly labeled cleaning schedule posted on the wall, and the gloves I’m wearing.

Me: *Calmly.* “We clean the slab constantly, sir. It’s food-grade, temperature-controlled, and FDA-approved.”

Customer: “Yeah, well, I’m not eating anything scraped off a countertop. That’s gross.”

I gently slide his untouched order aside.

Me: “Then you might want to avoid pizza places too, unless you think dough just floats into the oven on good intentions.”

I’m serving ice cream at a beachside boulevard on a hot summer weekend. We’re very popular and the line of customers is constant. A customer storms up while I’m serving a family with kids. She bypasses the queue and points angrily at the board.

Woman: “You’re out of the strawberry sorbet?!”

Me: “Sorry, we sold out about twenty minutes ago. It’s a hot day, it went quick.”

Woman: “Unbelievable. It’s summer! You should always have enough! I walked all the way from the pier for that!”

Me: “I really am sorry. I’ve got mango, lemon, and raspberry left.”

Woman: “No! It has to be strawberry!”

She crosses her arms and glares at me like I personally ate it all.

Me: “I’m afraid I can’t scoop what doesn’t exist, ma’am.”

Woman: “Well then, what do you suggest I do?!”

Me: “Maybe mango? It’s sweet, refreshing, and, best of all, not imaginary.”

She scoffs and storms out. It’s not like we were hurting for business!

I’m working at an ice cream truck parked near a busy beach promenade. I’m serving a steady line of customers on a hot day when a woman marches up to the window, glaring.

Customer: “Are you aware that your jingle is far too loud? I could hear it from three blocks away while I was meditating!”

Me: “Oh, sorry about that.”

Customer: “And you’ve got children running around like wild animals because of it. It’s practically inciting a sugar riot!”

Me: *Gesturing to the ‘Ice Cream’ sign, the giant cone statue, and the thirty-plus kids in line.* “Yeah… children tend to riot when they see ice cream. It’s sort of the business model.”

Customer: “Well… stop it! Turn it down!”

Me: “Sorry, but if I stop playing the jingle, I lose my tiny, sticky fanbase.”

I went to an ice cream place and went through the drive-thru.

Me: “Can I get a hand-packed pint of [flavor], please?”

Employee: “What size?”

Me: “A pint.”

Employee: “No, what size?”

Me: “I want a pint.”

Employee: “What size pint do you want?”

I got frustrated and drove up to the window. The girl leaned out the window with a quart container in one hand and a pint container in the other.

Employee: “Do you want a large pint or a small pint?”

WTF, people? This is grade-school knowledge.

Customer: “I want two Blizzards. I have a coupon.”

I accept the coupon, ring him up, and tell him the price.

Customer: “No, the price should be $1.99! The coupon is buy one Blizzard for $1.99, get another one for free!”

Me: “No, sir, it’s buy one Blizzard, get another for $1.99.”

Customer: “I am an accountant, and I know how this works! The coupon is buy one Blizzard for $1.99 and get another free!”

This goes back and forth enough times that I realize I am getting nowhere with him.

Me: “Sir, that’s enough. I’m not gonna sell these Blizzards to you for $1.99. You can either follow the rules or you can leave.”

Customer: “I wanna use the coupon!”

Me: “Since you’re not buying anything, you need to leave.”

Customer: “No.”

Me: “If you don’t leave, you’re officially trespassing.”

Customer: “No!”

Me: “You’ve just made this a police matter.”

Customer: “Call ’em, I hope they get here quick!”

When the officer arrives, the customer finally tries to leave. The officer catches him on the way out and makes him chat with her.

Bonus points: The customer’s grandchildren were there. It sucks they couldn’t get their Blizzards, but grandpa didn’t wanna pay for them. 

You just know when those kids got home, they told their parents: “Grandpa got arrested at DQ today!”

He wasn’t actually arrested, but boy was he permanently banned.

Related:
Coupon And On And On, Part 6
Coupon And On And On, Part 5
Coupon And On And On, Part 4
Coupon And On And On, Part 3
Coupon And On And On, Part 2