(I work the front desk at a university library. The actual library building is fairly large and includes a small food court on the basement floor. One day, two girls walk up to the front desk:)

Customer #1: “Hi, do you all have food here?”

Me: *thinking she’s referring to the food court* “Yes, ma’am, we do.”

Customer #1: “Great! Can I get a meatball sub, to go, please?”

Me: *dumbfounded* “Ma’am… This is a library. If you want food, the food court is downstairs.”

Customer #2: *hitting her friend on the arm* “You idiot! I told you!”

Customer #1: “What?! He said there was food!”

(They started giggling and walked downstairs.)

(My five-year-old asks me to tell him a new fairy tale every night. I have begun to look up lists, as I want to find some I have never heard as well. One night, I decide to tell a fairly old one that I know by heart, since I am tired.)

Me: “Okay, I want to tell you one I already know, since it is late and I am super tired.”

Son: “Okay, what is it?”

Me: “Well, it’s old, but it has a good message. It’s about a tortoise and hare.”

Son: “A Tardis and a hair?”

Me: *blinks* “What did you say?”

Son: “A Tardis and a hair? Why would the Tardis have hair?”

Me: *laughing* “Not a Tardis… A tortoise! It’s like a turtle. And not a hair, but an H-A-R-E. It’s essentially a rabbit.”

Son: “Oh, I was about to ask if the Doctor changed it because a police box was kind of obvious.”

(I just blinked some more… Who has a five-year-old who thinks about that?!)

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(I’m telling on myself here. I am having some trouble with [Video Chat Client] and finally have to resort to tech support of the chat variety, through my browser.)

Tech Guy: “Hello! Welcome to [Video Chat Client] technical support! My name is [Tech Guy]. How can I help you?”

Me: “Hi! I’ve been having some trouble with my group chats; I can’t send or receive messages.”

Tech Guy: “Okay, we’ll have to do some troubleshooting. Is it all right if I remotely connect to your computer to better help you?”

Me: “If it’ll help, sure.”

Tech Guy: “Great! So, just close any personal things and everything on your desktop, and then click the following link.”

(I promptly quit everything on my desktop, including the browser, through which I had been talking to [Tech Guy]. I realized a second later when the chat window suddenly closed what I had done, but it was far too late. I had to get back in line and start all over again with a new tech agent. Obviously, I don’t know how [Tech Guy] reacted, but I like to think his reaction was something along the lines of, “huh?”)

(I spend quite a bit of time at the video game arcade playing one of those two-person fighting games. There, I meet another player that frequents the place as much as I do. We often choose random characters when playing against each other, just for fun. One day, as we are playing, a young man comes in and puts his token on the machine to indicate he wants to be the next person to play. My arcade friend beats me and I let the new guy take my place as the next challenger. He goes on to beat my friend with some nice moves.)

Friend: “That was pretty good.”

Stranger: “Yeah, well, I come from [Major City] and there, if you aren’t good, they throw you out of the arcade.”

(Next it is my turn. I beat him, after he only gets in one hit.)

Friend: *in a deadpan voice* “Well, that’s how we play around here.”

(The young man did not stick around for a repeat performance.)

(I met my husband when we both worked for a grocery store. We’ve only been dating a few months at this point, and I like to pick on him about things. A new cashier has just started, and he is around our age, but he seems young and nerdy. I think he’s cute in his awkwardness, like a child, and I mention it to my then-boyfriend.)

Boyfriend: “How can you say that to me?”

Me: “What do you mean? Do you want me to lie?”

Boyfriend: “Well, no, but you don’t have to tell me, either!”

(Just then, a mother with her young son dressed in a Superman costume walks by. A coworker comes up to me.)

Coworker: “Did you see him? Wasn’t he just precious?”

Me: *eyes light up* “I know! He was so adorable!”

(My boyfriend glowers at me and turns a dark shade of red before I burst out laughing.)

Me: “We’re talking about the little boy in a costume! Did you not see him?”

Boyfriend: “Oh, no, I didn’t. I thought you were talking about the other guy, still.”

(He finally saw how funny that was and chuckled about it. I still like to pick on him about the day he was jealous of a five-year-old.)