(I work at an alternative smoke shop. We sell glass pipes among other things, and I always ask if people would like their smaller pieces wrapped to save bubble wrap.)

Me: “Would you like me to wrap that up for you?”

Customer: “It doesn’t matter. Why do you ask?”

Me: “Sometimes people prefer to not waste the packaging. You know, save the dolphins.” *trying to be humorous, as it’s a hippy store*

Customer: “Oh.” *stares blankly with the pipe in her hand*

Me: “So would you like that wrapped up?”

Customer: “Uh… yeah.”

Me: “Okay.” *slightly stunned*

(I wrapped up the pipe and she left.)

(I volunteer at a small independent film theater in my city. We are showing a John LeCarre spy thriller).

Woman: *comes out shortly after movie starts* “I’M IN THE WRONG MOVIE! THIS IS JUST SOME COUPLE IN A CAR TALKING IN SOME FOREIGN LANGUAGE AND IT HAS SUBTITLES! THIS ISN’T THE MOVIE I CAME TO SEE!”

(An employee and I go in and check the theater, reading the opening credits; they are consistent with the movie poster in the lobby. As we walk out, the couple in the movie are shot and killed by a border guard.)

Me: “Ma’am, this is the correct movie. The credits are the same as the movie poster, so it’s the right movie and the couple in the car just got killed, so they’re gone.”

Woman: “Well, all right, but I JUST CAN’T DO SUBTITLES! IT’S TOO HARD!”

(She went back into the theater. Twenty minutes later she came out again and stalked out of the exit. I guess there were more subtitles.)

This story is part of the Scared-Of-Subtitles roundup!

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(I work at the register at the pharmacy portion of a pharmacy chain.)

Customer: “So, what do you want to be when you grow up? A pharmacist?”

Me: *taken aback that my working at all isn’t good enough for her* “I’m not sure…”

Customer: “How old are you?”

Me: “23.”

Customer: *shakes her head* “The clock is ticking… Are you Catholic?”

Me: *eyes wide* “No. I’m not.”

Customer: “Well, if you were I would say for you to say ‘Holy Spirit, inspire me!’ And then you’d have your answer!” *takes prescription and leaves*

Me: *in utter state of disbelief*

Next Customer: “What the h*** was her problem?!”

(I’m working in a supermarket deli near closing time when an older looking woman comes up to the counter. I’m alone except for a night manager and a few people at the cash registers and they’re all up towards the front of the store. We also have a pharmacist, but they closed hours before.)

Me: “What can I do for you?”

Customer: “I was wondering if you have a copy machine?”

Me: “We do. Why?”

(The machine is in the break-room and in all my years working there no one has ever asked me to use it.)

Customer: “I was wondering if you could scan and copy these documents for me. I want to keep them in my personal record but I don’t have a copy machine.”

(She hands me a couple small pieces of paper. I realize they look like medical prescriptions. I hand them back and tell her I can’t.)

Customer: “All I wanted was some copies! Why can’t anyone be decent anymore?!”

(She left and I told my store manager. Apparently she had come in a few times during the day and asked random associates to do so for her.)

(I have finished ringing up a customer and have given her the total. We have the new chip reader in our pin pads, but it only works for credit.)

Customer: *with card ready to stick in* “Chip or slide?”

Me: “Will that be debit or credit?”

Customer: *angrier now* “Chip or slide?”

Me: “Well, ma’am, that depends; will it be debit or credit?”

Customer: “It doesn’t matter! Chip or slide!”

Me: “Well, ma’am, it does matter. If it is debit you need to slide it and if it is credit you need to insert the chip.”

Customer: *grumbles under her breath* “Fine.”