Tongs Of Joy

, , , , | Romantic | February 17, 2019

(Earlier in the day I watched a popular de-cluttering television show. Now, I am attempting to cook in my mother-in-law’s kitchen and failing miserably because I can’t find anything.)

Me: “Arrrgh!”

Husband: “Hun? What’s wrong?”

Me: “Your mom has so much junk in these drawers that I can’t even open them!”

Husband: “I know, and you know, she blames it on the grandkids!”

Me: “Seriously?! Who needs this many sets of tongs?!”

Husband: “Yeah…”

Me: “That’s it. I’m going to sit your mom down and make her hold each pair of tongs and tell me which ones bring her joy!”

Divorcing Yourself From Your TV

, , , , , | Right | November 25, 2018

(I work for a large TV provider in their billing department.)

Customer: “All of my TVs are showing [common error code that comes up for a variety of reasons].”

Me: “Well, that’s definitely something I can help with. Can I get your phone number so I can bring up your account?”

(I verify account information and see the account status is disconnected.)

Me: “It seems your account is disconnected; give me a moment to read some of the notes and see if I can’t find out what’s going on.”

Customer: “That’s weird. I just paid the bill and everything.”

Me: “I don’t see a balance due, so we definitely received the payment.”

(I begin explaining as I’m reading the notes, which in hindsight is a terrible idea.)

Me: “It looks here like a woman called in earlier and requested the disconnect for… oh.”

Customer: “What?”

Me: “The note says she turned it off as part of a… divorce?”

(There is a long pause, where I can almost hear his heart breaking at the news.)

Customer: “W-what? I had no idea. That’s what it says?”

Me: “I’m so sorry. That’s what the previous rep said in their note.”

Customer: “She didn’t say anything. I can’t believe it. You sure that’s what it says?”

Me: “That’s all it says.” *awkward pause* “If you’d like, I can reactivate the account, or you can call back later. Whatever works for you; we are available 24/7.”

Customer: “Yeah, I’ll just call back later when I figure this out.”

Me: “I’m so sorry.”

Customer: “Don’t be. You didn’t know. Thanks for your help.”

(To the customer: prior notes on the account showed you were a pretty nice guy and treated my fellow reps well. I am truly sorry about how I ham-fistedly broke the news of the divorce, and I hope you found someone more worthy of your affections!)

Will Never Look Back Again

, , , , | Right | November 20, 2018

(I work on the retail side of a pharmacy, usually stocking shelves or helping customers. One day a young lady, maybe 19 or 20, approaches me, clearly embarrassed.)

Customer: *whispering* “Do you have, um, like, douches, but, um, for, like, the…” *I can now barely hear her* “…butt?”

Me: *stifling laughter* “Enema. The word you’re looking for is ‘enema,’ and yes, over this way.”

(I will forever call them “butt douches” from now on.)

Bad Parenting For Hundreds Of Miles

, , , , | Right | October 22, 2018

(We are sold out, as is every hotel for at least a hundred miles. This is normal for a summer Saturday. A woman comes in at two am looking for a room. I call everywhere I can think of heading east — she’s going that direction — and then finally get a hotel in Billings that had a late cancelation. We book the room for her. She asks to use the bathroom and brings her daughter in. Then, she turns to me and glares.)

Mother: “Now, tell my sweet angel why you won’t give us a room, and why she can’t go to bed yet.”

Me: *looking at her in shock* “No. I found you a room and that is all I can do.”

(She left still complaining about my “unreasonableness.”)

Pistachio No No

, , , , | Right | October 6, 2018

(I work in the bakery department at a grocery store. One of our more popular items is the pistachio muffin, which is bright green, and comes in a package that says, “Pistachio,” on it in two different places and even has a picture of a pistachio on it. I have just clocked in and gotten into my department when this exchange occurs.)

Customer: “Excuse me, ma’am, but what are those bright green muffins you have out there?”

Me: “Those are our pistachio muffins, ma’am. They are very popular!”

Customer: “Hmm, they do sound good, but do they have nuts in them?”

Me: “Pistachios are nuts, ma’am.”

(The customer stares at me like I don’t know what I’m talking about, and then I can see the realization of what just happened dawn on her.)

Customer: “Oh, my God.”

Me: “It’s okay, ma’am, happens all the time.”

Customer: “No… I can’t believe I asked that. I can never show my face here again.”

(The customer then drops her basket and bolts out the front door.)

Me: *to my coworker* “So… it’s going to be one of those days.”

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