Bad Guests Are Notoriously Nefarious

, , , , , | Right | June 21, 2018

(A guest has been telling me a VERY rambling story in which he describes his friend as “nefarious” — I think he actually means “notorious,” based on context, but I digress. Then, he turns to me, and in the most condescending tone I have ever heard, says:)

Guest: “Do you know that word? Nefarious?”

Me: “I do.”

Guest: *drawing back in mock surprise* “Wow! That’s a hard word! That’s a college word! Good for you!”

Me: *turns back to my paperwork and tries very hard not to punch him*

 

A Minor Skirmish

, , , , | Right | June 8, 2018

(My family and I are at a large restaurant chain. There is a man that has been verbally harassing a waitress. She brings him a perfect meal every time, and he keeps refusing to accept it. After about 20 or so minutes of this, I get fed up. Keep in mind that I am 15 years old.)

Rude Customer: “Hey, idiot! Get my burger out here ASAP! I don’t have all day!”

Me: “Hey, why don’t you shut your d*** mouth and eat your food?”

Rude Customer: “Oh, yeah? And who’s going to make me?” *stomps over to my table*

Me: *stands up* “Want to ask again?”

Rude Customer: “You think you’re all big and bad, huh?” *grabs my shirt*

Dad: “Yes.” *pulls the man off of me so hard my shirt rips*

Rude Customer: *shocked silence*

(By this time, a manager has come over to see what is going on.)

Manager: “What’s going on here, folks?”

Rude Customer: *suddenly drops to the ground* “This man assaulted me! I demand that you call the police and have him arrested! Also, he should pay for my meal!”

Manager: “I saw everything from the kitchen. You assaulted this minor. If anyone, you’re going to be arrested. You will also pay for the five perfectly fine orders you sent back to the kitchen.”

(The police arrived and arrested the man. My dad tipped the waitress $30, and she gave us free dessert!)

Pot Calling The Kettle Anything It Wants Because It’s Not Listening

, , , , , , , | Related | May 31, 2018

(I am sorting through my possessions after returning from college, deciding which stays at home and which goes back.)

Me: “Now that I’m moving into a dorm with a nicer kitchen, maybe I should get new cooking supplies.”

Dad: *not really listening* “Sounds about right.”

Me: “Do you think I should get a little frying pan?”

Dad: *still not listening* “Maybe.”

Me: “I’ve already got a little pot.”

Dad: “Don’t advertise that around campus; you could lose your scholarship.”

(Long pause while we both parse the conversation in our brains.)

Dad: “I owe you an apology.”

Trimming Different Kinds Of Hedges

, , , , | Related | May 8, 2018

(My son, husband, and I are eating dinner with my in-laws. My father-in-law is looking at his phone and makes an announcement.)

Father-In-Law: *to Mother-In-Law* “Did you know that next Saturday is Naked Gardening day?”

Me: *perking up because I’m planning a trip with my son and nieces next weekend past a local attraction on that day* “Well, we’ll have an interesting sight passing by The Garden of a Thousand Buddhas!”

Husband: “Yeah, it’ll be Garden of a Thousand Booties!”

(My mother-in-law was absorbed in a game on her phone and was oblivious to why the three of us were cackling.)

Unfiltered Story #108156

, , | Unfiltered | March 30, 2018

(Sgt. [Name] reports he received a call from an irate woman. The woman was very very upset as she claimed nothing was being done to help her daughter out of a bad living situation. The woman went on a profanity filled rant calling [Sgt.] every name in the book (even the really bad ones).

When he was finally able to get a word in he asked her for the details…her daughter’s name, a case report number, date of the incident, etc. The woman gave him all of the information and nothing was coming up. This, of course made her even angrier.)

Sgt: “Ma’am, what is the address of the incident again?”

(She gives it. As a veteran officer with over 20 years on the force, he immediately knew the address did not match anything in Great Falls.)

Sgt: “Where do you live?”

Caller (with a disgusted tone): “Great Falls.”

Sgt: “What state?”

Caller (loudly and very slowly): “V i r g i n i a.”

Sgt (trying not to laugh): “Ma’am, you’ve reached the police department in Great Falls, MONTANA.”

Caller: *click*

(It is not uncommon for GFPD dispatch and patrol teams to field calls intended for police departments on the east coast, and they probably do the same for Montana calls.

The police department of Great Falls, MT recommends sticking to the correct jurisdiction, but just in case you ever need to call the police in Great Falls, Virginia, the number for the Fairfax County Police Department is 703-246-2253.)

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