Boys Will Be Boys

, , , , | | Related | August 21, 2019

(I love my mother dearly, but she has certain beliefs that can drive me insane. One of these is that fathers cannot possibly be as competent at childcare as mothers. When my husband and I have our first child, Mom becomes convinced that having two fathers means he’s doomed. She’s not homophobic; she would have been perfectly fine with two mothers. She just believes that behind her back we’re dangling the kid above hungry lions or taping him to the wall and throwing knives at him. She definitely believes we can’t be feeding him properly. When our son is two, I’ve just sat him down to lunch when Mom shows up unannounced at our door. I invite her to join us, and she immediately takes a huge bite of my homemade tuna salad. I add things like brown mustard and horseradish, and she makes a disgusted face that turns to horror when she sees a bowl in front of my son.)

Mom: “[My Name], what are you thinking? You can’t feed that to a baby! It’s way too strong; it’ll upset his stomach!”

Me: “Mom, he loves it. He eats it all the time. He even asked me for today. Hey, [Son], do you like Daddy’s tuna?”

Son: “Yeah! Nummy!”

Mom: “I raised five children and I know what I’m talking about! I’ll make him something suitable.” *reaches for my son’s bowl* “Here, sweetheart. Let Grandma get rid of that yucky stuff and make you some oatmeal.”

(Before my Mom could grab the bowl, my son snatched it up and held it against his chest. In the evilest tone I think a toddler is capable of, he hissed at her, “MINE!” My mother quickly left as though she expected his head to start spinning around. My son is ten now and my mother has mellowed out a lot and was far less controlling when our daughter was born. I say, “less,” because she still tries her best. However, she’s never again attempted to take food away from my kids.)

Defeating The Guardian Of The Wine-Coolers  

, , , , , | | Working | August 16, 2019

(I am 25 years old and am a legal guardian to my 17-year-old younger brother. We are shopping at a wholesale store for a get-together I am having with a couple of friends. I decide I want to buy some wine coolers for the get-together since all my friends are over the age of 21. I usually like doing this by myself but I am already running late and figure since I am already at the store I buy my wine coolers from, I might as well buy them then and there, completely forgetting about my younger brother’s age and the law — my bad. We are finally checking out. When they get to the wine coolers, I show my ID as per usual. This conversation happens while I’m adjusting everything in our cart.)

Cashier: *to my brother* “May I see your ID, please?”

Brother: “What for?”

Cashier: “I need to see your ID for the wine coolers.”

Brother: “They are for him, not me.”

Cashier: “Since both of you are together, I have to see your ID; otherwise, I can’t sell you this.”

(I finally get back to them and hear the last part of her sentence.)

Me: “Can’t sell us what?”

Cashier: “The wine coolers.”

(At that point, I finally remember about his age and the law.)

Me: “Oh, I completely forgot about the law. Well, he is still a minor and I am his legal guardian; since these are for me you won’t need to see his ID.”

Cashier: “Since he is a minor I can’t sell you the wine coolers; it’s against the law.”

Me: “Normally, it’s against the law, but in this case, it is different since I’m his legal guardian. If you want, we can show you our IDs to confirm that we are related and living in the same address.”

(We proceed to show her our IDs.)

Cashier: “You are indeed related and under the same address but he is still a minor and I can’t sell to someone with a minor.”

Me: “So you don’t sell to parents that come with their kids?”

Cashier: “Well, that’s different since they are parent and child and the parents are responsible for the child.”

Me: “Well, I am responsible for him, since that is what legal guardianship is, so it shouldn’t be any different.”

(This goes on for a bit until a manager overhears our conversation and comes over to see what is going on.)

Manager: “What seems to be the problem?”

Cashier: “They are wanting to buy the wine coolers while one of them is still a minor.”

Me: “Yes, he is a minor, but I am his legal guardian. We are brothers and live under the same address; we already showed her our IDs to confirm the relationship and address.”

Manager: “Did they show you their IDs with the same address?”

Cashier: “Yeah, but he is still a minor. It’s against the law.”

Manager: “Okay.” *proceeded to clear the flag on the register* “Your total will be [total].”

(I proceed to pay when I hear this.)

Cashier: “Hey, you can’t do that; it’s against the law.”

Manager: “Normally, yes, but since he stated that he is a legal guardian, he is like a stand-in parent.” *to me* “Here is your receipt.”

Me: “Thank you.”

(We started leaving while still hearing the cashier and manager “arguing” about what had happened.)

Acting Like A Toddler Who Didn’t Get His Hot Milk

, , , , | | Right | July 14, 2019

(I am stocking items in the infant section of the store when a teenage boy comes up to me.)

Customer: “Excuse me, miss, but could you point me in the direction of your pedialyte drinks for toddlers?”

Me: “Sure, just turn around and look down.”

(The customer turns around and still looks confused.)

Customer: “Where is it?”

Me: “Okay, now look down, on the bottom shelf.”

Customer: “Well, you could have just told me where it was!”

(The customer storms off with the product in his hands.)

If You Wanna Be My Lover, You Gotta Get With My Jams

, , , , , , , | | Friendly | June 27, 2019

I’m driving to work, and the turn arrow I need turns red just as I pull up. I’m annoyed, as this is a major intersection, and it’ll be at least two minutes before the arrow changes.

However, at that instant, the radio changes to “Wannabe” by the Spice Girls. Knowing how long the light is, I crank the volume, roll down my windows, and rock out. About a minute in, I glance at the car on my left: the driver looks at me with pure judgment. I ignore them and look over at the big rig on my right.

The driver is also rocking out, and I realize he’s also jamming to the Spice Girls. We make eye contact and exchange thumbs-up before going our separate ways.

Brad Pitt Would Be Ashamed

, , , , , | | Related | June 19, 2019

(My husband and I have a ten-year-old son and a six-year-old daughter. Our daughter is at the age where she is borderline-obsessed with Barbies, and our son loves to tease her. I come home one Saturday afternoon to find my husband fuming and see that our daughter has been crying. My husband announces that our son will be in his room for the rest of the day, and possibly “the rest of his life.” Confused, I ask what happened.)

Husband: “Last night when we were in bed, [Son] sneaked downstairs and watched Seven.

Me: “It’s inappropriate for his age, but I’d cut him some slack. A lot of kids do that. I did it. You probably did it.”

Husband: “Oh, no, it gets worse. This morning he went into [Daughter]’s room while she was playing and gave her a box and told her it was for Ken.”

Me: “Oh, my God, don’t tell me…”

Husband: She thought he was playing and had ‘Ken’ open up the box…”

Me: “It was, of course…”

Husband: “Barbie’s head.”

Me: “Well, that’s not right at all!” *pause* “Ken’s not supposed to look inside the box. He should have had another doll open it. I’ll have a talk with him about respecting the classics.”

(My daughter and my husband both gave me the stink-eye for the rest of the day. I guess I deserved it, but I still think it was hilarious. I’m a rotten parent.)

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