Back in the early 2000s, I worked for a computer company as Level 2 support. Level 1 support would answer the calls and if they were stumped or had a difficult customer they would get a Level 2, to come and help them. As I was making my way around the office, one of the Level 1 support workers stopped me and asked for help.

Level 1: “[My Name], can you help me, please?”

Me: “Sure, what seems to be the problem?”

Level 1: “The customer is upset because I won’t warranty her computer. Her warranty expired over a year ago.”

Me: “What is the problem with her computer?”

Level 1: “Her CD-ROM isn’t working.”

Me: “Okay, I’ll take over the call from here.”

I looked through her information and verified that her warranty had indeed expired. I also saw that she was calling from a business.

Me: “Hello, ma’am, my name is [My Name]. How are you doing today?”

Customer: “Not so great; the other guy won’t help me out with my problem.”

Me: “[Level 1] was telling me that you are having some issues with your CD-ROM. What is it that he won’t do for you?”

Customer: “He won’t replace the CD-ROM for me. Mine doesn’t work, and I need a new one.”

Me: “Your warranty expired over a year ago so, unfortunately, we cannot send one out for you, but I can put you through to the sales department and they can set you up with a new CD-ROM.”

Customer: “That shouldn’t matter. I need it replaced. It’s not my fault it’s not working.”

Me: “I understand that, ma’am. But without a current warranty in place, we are unable to send out a new CD-ROM. I’d be happy to try some further troubleshooting with you if you are okay with that.”

Customer: “No, I don’t want to do any more troubleshooting. Just send me a new CD-ROM.”

Me: “Without a warranty, we can’t do that.”

Customer: “That’s stupid! Who cares about the warranty? Your product broke and you have to fix it.”

Me: “Ma’am, if you took your vehicle into the dealership and the warranty was expired, would you expect them to fix your vehicle for free?”

Customer: “No, of course, not. But this isn’t the same thing.”

Me: “This is the same situation, just with a different product.”

Customer: “But my warranty is only a little expired. So, you should honor my warranty.”

Me: “If your warranty was only expired by a month or so, I would send you a new CD-ROM, but yours is expired by over a year. I see that you are calling from your business. Is that correct?”

Customer: *Now getting a little exasperated* “Yeah.”

Me: “Do you offer warranties on your products?”

Customer: “Of course.”

Me: “If I came into your store and bought a product and then came back to get it fixed or replaced due to an issue, but the warranty had expired a year ago, would you honor that warranty?”

Customer: *Quite annoyed* “No, of course, I wouldn’t.”

Me: *Frustrated* “Then if you agree that a vehicle with an expired warranty shouldn’t be repaired for free, and you wouldn’t honor an expired warranty for your store’s products, why then should [Computer Company] honor an expired warranty for you? It doesn’t make any sense that we should honor an expired warranty.”

Customer: “Listen to me. You have to give me a new CD-ROM.”

Me: “No. No, I don’t need to give you a new CD-ROM.”

Customer: “If you don’t give me a new CD-ROM, I will be contacting my lawyers.”

We had been trained that if anyone ever mentioned anything about speaking to lawyers, we were to give them another number to call and let them know that we would be ending the call. Then, we were to tell our senior management.

Me: “Ma’am, here is another number to escalate this matter further. Due to you informing me that you are going to call your lawyers, I can no longer help you, and I will have to end this call.”

I then went to my senior management and told them about the call. They had no issues with it and said that the Level 1 support and I did the right thing. I went into the customer’s file about a month later to check and see if anything else had happened after our call. From other notes on her file, I saw that she had called in a few more times and each call was escalated to a Level 2 support, and each call except for one was ended due to her saying she would call her lawyers. The last note call was to the [Computer Company] sales department, where she ended up buying a new CD-ROM.

Me: “Thank you for calling the service desk. This is [My Name].”

User: “Finally! Do you know how long we’ve been waiting?”

Me: “Seven minutes, fifty-three seconds.”

User: “No, it’s been an hour!”

Admittedly, depending on which helpline they called first, they could have been pushing buttons and gotten into a loop, but it’s less likely. The other main hotline users have access to is an HR line and they have about three options that will reroute to us due to password resets.

Me: “Which number did you call?”

User: “We’ve been waiting for an hour!”

I work internal IT for a big retail company. With everything going on lately, we’ve transitioned to mostly work-from-home for all our corporate users.

User: “I have a laptop, but I need to learn a new software, so I got another laptop and I can’t sign in.”

Me: “Is it a [Company] laptop or a personal one? And is this a Windows or a Mac?”

User: “It’s the laptop; I think it’s Windows.”

Me: “How did you get this laptop? Did it come from asset management?”

User: “Um, no. It came from a coworker.”

Me: “Okay, unfortunately, you won’t be able to sign on from home the first time. You’ll need to get it on the network so it can talk to your account. I know some of the corporate offices are closed, so if you can get to one of the stores, that’ll work, too.”

User: “I have my manager’s approval to use this.”

Me: “I understand that, but if the computer isn’t on the network then it can’t grab your account information.”

User: “Would it change if my manager talked to that asset whatever team?”

Me: “Unfortunately, not really. Even if they said this situation was one where they could make the change to allow the first-time login from home, they’d still need to get it on the network in order to update the account.”

User: “Are you sure? My manager said I could use it.”

Me: “I understand that; however, it still needs to talk to the network to verify your account.”

User: “But the coworker who gave this to me should still be able to sign in, right?”

Me: “As long as they know the most recent password that this workstation cached. However, they shouldn’t be sharing their credentials with you.”

User: “Are you sure I have to get it to the store?”

Me: “Yes.”

User: *Sighs* “Fine, thanks. Bye.”

I work for a small IT company that sometimes handles hardware. Our intern is good at heart but sometimes easily overwhelmed. He is communicating an eight-digit serial number from a piece of hardware to my coworker by speakerphone.

The intern starts out with the first part of the serial number.

Intern: “Hundred-and-ten.”

Coworker: “Huh?”

Intern: “Hundred-and-ten.”

There’s some muffled confusion and sighing from [Coworker].

Coworker: “Are you sure? Maybe you mean eleven-zero-one?”

By now, I can clearly see the confusion on the intern’s face, but he steadfastly carries on. 

Intern: “Okay, eleven-zero-one.”

Coworker: *Chuckles* “That’s not one hundred-and-ten is it?”

At this point, I could not help but interject with a jab, “Of course it is, you tool!”

After some silence and, I assume, rereading on the other end, my coworker admitted defeat and agreed. We got a good laugh out of it while he tried to defend himself by saying he’d expected the first part to be four digits.

And that is why you should always go digit for digit, folks, even if “one, one, zero, one” takes longer.

My friend and I (both female) are stuck in a cubicle farm on overnights, doing tier-two tech support for a cable company. As we are a small team with a useless supervisor, we tend to help each other when needed, so my ears perk up when I hear my friend struggling to finish a single sentence, getting cut off by the customer. She finally finishes the call.

Me: “What was that about?”

Friend: “Apparently, I can’t do tech support because I have boobs!”

Me: “Really? Well, good luck to him tonight!”

We laugh and go back to the queue. About twenty minutes later, guess who pings through my phone? I start my opening spiel.

Customer: “Oh, for f***’s sake. Are you the same b**** I talked to twenty minutes ago?”

Me: “No, sir, I don’t believe I’ve had that pleasure this evening.”

My friend is now listening closely.

Customer: “Well, I’ll tell you the same thing I told her. Get me a g**d*** man on the line to fix this piece of s*** now!”

Me: “I’m sorry, sir—”

Customer: “You’re not sorry!”

He starts an expletive-laden rant but I hang up.

Friend: “Same guy? Did you tell him we’re the only two on tonight?”

Me: “I didn’t get a chance to get a word in edgewise.”

Friend: “Let’s not, then!”

She drew up a sheet entitled “D**khead” and made two columns with our names, putting a stroke in each column. All night, we passed that sheet back and forth, each taking his calls as a break to read until he’d hang up again. We did try to help but he wouldn’t give us any information besides his name. In the end, she won, sixteen calls to my twelve. I bought her a coffee on the way home.

On my next shift, I checked his account out of curiosity. The notes from a male tech read, “Customer unable to connect. Power-cycled modem. Connection restored.” Over six hours of calling non-stop for a thirty-second fix.

Related:
Can’t Hear You Over The Sound Of Your Ovaries, Part 13
Can’t Hear You Over The Sound Of Your Ovaries, Part 12
Can’t Hear You Over The Sound Of Your Ovaries, Part 11
Can’t Hear You Over The Sound Of Your Ovaries, Part 10
Can’t Hear You Over The Sound Of Your Ovaries, Part 9