(I work in a popular grocery store chain that is well known for “Going the Extra Mile.” I also happen to have a voice that can carry quite well. The following happens after my manager has to step out to go to a physio appointment. I’m helping a customer order a cake when the phone rings.)

Me: “Sorry, one moment.” *answers phone* “[Grocery Store] bakery. [My Name] speaking.”

Old Gentleman: *on the phone* “Is [Manager] there?”

Me: “She’s actually just stepped out and will be back later. Can I take a message?”

Old Gentleman: “What?”

Me: *slightly louder* “She’s not here right now.”

Old Gentleman: “What?”

Me: *slightly more loudly* “She’s not here right now.”

Old Gentleman: “What?”

Me: *now yelling into the receiver as loud as I can* “She’s not here right now!”

Old Gentleman: “What? Is [Manager] there?”

Me: *inwardly groaning and very tempted to bang my head on the wall* “No.”

Old Gentleman: “Will she be there later?”

Me: “Yes.”

Old Gentleman: “When?”

Me: “I’m not sure.”

Old Gentleman: “What?”

Me: “Later.”

Old Gentleman: “Is [Manager] going to be there later?”

Me: *banging head on wall* “No.”

Old Gentleman: “Will she be in tomorrow?”

Me: “Yes.”

Old Gentleman: “So, she’s not there right now?”

Me: “Yes.”

Old Gentleman: “She is there?”

Me: “No.”

Old Gentleman: “But she’s in tomorrow?”

Me: “Yes.”

Old Gentleman: “But she’s not there right now?”

Me: “No.”

Old Gentleman: “All right, I’ll call back tomorrow.” *click*

Me: *walks back over to customer I was originally helping, who is giving me a funny look* “If you’re hearing is that bad, you should be wearing hearing aids.”

Customer: “Ah.”

(The customer did call back the next day to speak to my manager, and it took three calls with him calling from three different phones and a fresh battery in his hearing aid to get him to understand that the product he was looking for was discontinued last year.)

(I am a supervisor at a computer help call centre. One of the other workers is having issues with a difficult customer on the phone. The worker gets my attention and explains to me that the customer will no longer talk to them as the worker won’t honor the customer’s warranty on her computer. I tell the worker I will take over the call for them.)

Me: “Hello, ma’am, this is [My Name]. I’m [Worker]’s supervisor; how can I help you today?”

Customer: “My computer isn’t working, and [Worker] said that he won’t honor my warranty.”

Me: “Ma’am, I have looked at your warranty and it expired over a year ago. I’m sorry but [Worker] was correct in the fact that we cannot repair your computer under warranty.”

Customer: “That is absolutely stupid; I paid for the warranty and I expect that you repair my computer for me.”

Me: “Ma’am, do you understand that your warranty has expired?”

Customer: “What does that have to do with anything? I paid for the warranty and you have to honor it no matter what.”

Me: “If you went to a vehicle dealership because your vehicle had to be repaired, but your warranty was expired would you expect them to repair it for you for under the warranty?”

Customer: “That’s completely different. I run a business and I know how warranties work.”

Me: “Do you offer warranties at your business, ma’am?”

Customer: “Yes, of course, I do.”

Me: “Okay, so, if I came in and bought a product from you, and my warranty was good for three months, and then a year after my warranty expired, I came to you and asked you to repair it or replace it for me under the warranty, would you do it?”

Customer: “Of course not.”

Me: “So, why would you expect us to repair your computer for you under warranty when your warranty has been expired for over a year?”

Customer: “I paid for the warranty, and you’re either going to honor it or I will have my lawyer sue [Company].”

Me: “Ma’am, we will not repair your computer for you under warranty. If you feel the need to contact your lawyer, you can have them contact our legal department. Thank you.”

(After this I terminated the call, and to the best of my knowledge the legal department was never contacted.)

(One winter’s day, I come home from classes and get in the residence tower’s elevator. Another student also gets in… wearing shorts and a t-shirt! Again, it’s winter. In Edmonton. There are snow and ice everywhere.)

Me: “Um… comfy?”

Student: *embarrassed but cheerful* “Uh, not really. So… somehow I got the weather report in Fahrenheit instead of Celsius without noticing it. I just saw the numbers this morning and thought, ‘Hey, it’s nice out,’ so…”

(Mid-twenties Celsius is a warm summer day. Mid-twenties Fahrenheit is below freezing.)

Me: “Oh.”

Student: “Then I got outside, but I didn’t have time to go back and change, so I’ve just spent all day like this.”

Me: “Oh, Jesus Christ. You must be frozen.”

Student: *still cheerful* “Yeah, and everyone’s like, ‘Wow! Look at that guy! He must be from Alaska!’ and it’s like, no, I’m just stupid.”

(He was so chipper and honest about it that if I’d been single, I’d have asked him out!)

(I approach a customer who’s looking at our display of graphic novels).

Customer: What age group is this book for? (She gestures towards a volume of a zombie graphic novel)

Me: That particular series is generally aimed at older teens and adults. It’s quite graphic and violent and leans towards the horror genre.

Customer: Oh… Do you think it would be okay for my eight year old?

Me: Let me show you the young readers graphic novel section…

(Weed in Canada has recently been legalized. Riding the train home after a lunch date, I see this from across the aisle.)

Guy #1: *produces a mini-bong from one of his pockets and turns to his friend* “Give me my engineering degree!”

Guy #2: *instantly whips out and hands over a plastic straw*

Guy #1: *sticks it on the mini-bong, beams proudly at this engineering achievement, and smiles at his friend* “Thanks!”

(They missed their stop.)