(I work as a phone support technician for a large software company. Once a month one of our mentors listen to our calls, to ensure that we follow protocol. I was being listened to one day a few weeks ago.)

Me: “Welcome to Tech Support, you’re talking to ****”

Customer: “Hi, my name is ****, and I work at **** bank. You’ve really gotta help me! I’ve got this message on my computer, and I don’t know what to do!”

Me: “Okay, if you could start by reading the message to me, I’ll see what we can do.”

Customer: “Oh, okay.. It says: ‘Your computer has been automatically adjusted for daylight savings time.’ What do i do?!”

Me: “Er…is there a button that says ‘OK’?”

Customer: “Yes.”

Me: “Can you tell me what happens when you click the ‘OK’ button?”

Customer: “Oh, thank you very much! You’re a life saver! Thank you, thank you; now I can finally get these reports done!!” *hangs up*

Me: “…you’re welcome?”

Mentor: *after listening in* “You know what the scary part is? That is my contact at the bank… the same person I entrust my life savings to.”

Me: “Thank you for calling ****, this is ****. How may I help you today?”

Customer: “I am seeing ‘Searching For Satellite Signal’ on all of my receivers.”

Me: “Well, usually that is caused by the dish being a little bit out of alignment. Could you go outside and tell me if the dish appears to be moved, or if there’s anything different about it at all?”

Customer: “There are holes everywhere in the dish.”

Me: “Holes?”

Customer: “Yeah, there were a bunch of birds on the dish last night so I shot them off.”

Me: “Well, unfortunately, this would be considered abuse and it will cost you $80 to get a technician over there to replace the dish.”

Customer: “Why? It’s your equipment. I didn’t do anything wrong!”

Me: “Sir, you shot the dish. You ruined it. In all actuality, that dish is yours to keep. If you ever leave us you get to keep the dish, and you also get to keep the dish you shot.”

Customer: “Well, I’m still right!”

Me: “Well, you still have to pay the $80.”

Customer: “What would I use that old dish for anyway? Why can’t you take it?”

Me: “We do not retrieve old dishes due to policy. I hear you could use it as a nice sled, though.”

(I was helping a customer sign into their email.)

Me: “Okay, I need you to type ‘A’ as in ‘Apple’.”

Customer: “Now, don’t get all technical on me!”

Related:
It’s Gonna Be A Long Call, Part 3
It’s Gonna Be A Long Call, Part 2
It’s Gonna Be A Long Call

(I work at an incoming call center for a well known adult website. Most of our calls deal with technical problems or issues with logging-in to the sites. Most of them, anyway….)

Caller: “Good afternoon, sir. I’m having some issues here.”

Me: “That’s what we’re here for! What can I do to help?”

Caller: “Well, I’m sitting here looking at all these beautiful women and, well, I just can’t seem to get an erection.”

Me: “Sir…that is NOT something that I can help you with!”

(It’s May 5th, and I’m remotely connected to a customer’s computer helping her with a billing issue.)

Customer: “What race are you?”

Me: “Excuse me?”

Customer: “Well, I’m only asking because it’s Cinco De Mayo, and I’m Mexican. Well, I have Mexican blood.”

Me: “Oh.”

Customer:  ”I need to go drink margaritas now. Could you just stay in my computer and do my billing for me? I’ll come back in the morning and print the bills out.”

Me: “…”

Customer: “I am calling to let you know that you are running an illegal operation.”

Me: “Pardon me?”

Customer: “That’s right! My computer says so right on the screen!”

Me: “Ma’am, that’s a Microsoft error message that says, ‘Your program has performed an illegal operation’.”

Customer: “There is nothing wrong with my computer! I have a 15 inch neck!” *hangs up*

(I assume the customer was referring to her monitor… a 15 inch NEC.)

Related:
Lieutenant BSOD, Reporting For Duty

Created by our friends at Quitting Time

He Uses The Google

Me: “Thank you for calling *** Services, how may I help you?”

Customer: “I am an old man who does not understand anything about computers. Something is wrong… can you help me step by step?”

Me: “Yes, I can. First off I need to know somethings about your computer…”

(After about 5 minutes he hands the phone to his son who is a self-proclaimed computer software technician.)

Customer’s son: “Hey, this is ***. I know about computers so you can speak all the Internet jargon you want.”

Me: “Alright. First off, what web browser are you using?”

Customer’s son: “Well I am on Google, so Internet Explorer.”

Me: “… Sir?”

Customer: “Yeah, since I am on Google, I’m obviously using Internet Explorer.”

Me: “Can I speak with your father, sir?”

Related:
He Wants The Google
She Uses The Google, Part 2
She Uses The Google

Me: “Hi, I’m calling to confirm your appointment today. I show here your modem seems to be online. Are you still having a problem with your service?”

Customer: “Well, my son’s computer will go online but his roommate’s computer will not. We turned the black box thingy off and on but it doesn’t work.”

Me: “Do you have a router?”

Customer: “Well, yes we do, but I don’t see what that has to do with anything.”

Me: “Is the router plugged into the modem?”

Customer: “What’s the modem?”

Me: “The black box thingy.”

Customer: “Yes, but like I said, when I called and talked to your service people that changed the configuration doo-dad and now it doesn’t work.”

Me: “Well, sir, we do not support third-party equipment, so I can’t send a technician to troubleshoot your issue. What company manufactured your router?”

Customer: “I just spent $150.00 installing this; you have to send someone out!”

Me: “Sir, since you have already explained to me that your service is working, it seems that your third-party router is causing the issue. You must call them for support. Legally, we aren’t allowed to support their equipment.”

(This goes on for about 10 minutes before he gets so frustrated he puts his son on the line.)

Customer’s son: “Uh, yeah… I need your technician dude to fix this.”

Me: “Unfortunately, as I explained to the other person I was speaking with we do not support third party equipment.”

Customer’s son: “But it was working. Your service guy turned my link light off the black box and now it doesn’t work.”

Me: “But you are surfing on your computer, right?”

Customer’s son: “Uh, yeah… but I can’t get on the internet on the other. That’s why we need the technician dude to fix it.”

Me: “Sir what type of car do you drive?”

Customer’s son: “Honda, why?”

Me: “Okay, what kind of radio is installed?” *this was a long-shot*

Customer’s son: “Alpine, what’s your point?”

Me: “So, when your Alpine radio stops working, are you going to call the Honda dealership telling them you want your money back and you want them to fix a radio they didn’t install or manufacture?”

Customer’s son: “I think I need to call Linksys.”

(I used to repair phones for an office.)

Customer: ”My phone is broken.”

Me: “Can you please describe the problem?”

Customer: “It’s broken.”

Me: “In what way?”

Customer: “It doesn’t work.”

Me: “Do you have a dial tone?  Can you not dial a specific number?”

Customer: “Nothing happens. It’s broken.”

Me: “Where is your desk?”

Customer: “Second floor, cube ***.”

(Upon arriving, I find the phone with no lights, no dial tone, no anything. On a hunch, I ask…)

Me: “Did you spill coffee in it?”

Customer: “No!”

(I grab the phone, tilt it and coffee pours out.)

Me: “Huh.” *glares at customer*

Customer: “I DIDN’T spill coffee in it!”

Me: ”Riiight.”