Notes? That Sounds Like Work!

, , , , | Learning | April 14, 2021

I teach people to use various computer programs. There are usually some official manuals for these courses, but once in a while, important information is not in there.

Today, I’m teaching a group of high school teachers. They all have been issued the manual, as well as a legal pad and a pen. One of the subjects required by their employer is not covered by the manual.

I tell them that and that I will write it down on the flip chart. I cover the subject slowly and put every step on the flip chart. I am careful to use colors to make sure they understand where they have to substitute their names and information and where there are pitfalls to avoid. The resulting instruction has six steps, and while I put them down, there is some moaning.

At the end, one of the participants huffs in indignation.

Participant: “How am I supposed to remember all these steps!”

I am somewhat perplexed.

Me: “Well, you could write them down?”

There were more moans. I wonder if those teachers occasionally complain about their lazy and stupid students.

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This Cannot End Well, Part 2

, , , , | Right | April 7, 2021

I am working a late shift as a cashier when a trio of students from a local university, judging by their sweatshirts, come into my lane pushing a cart full of what is probably all the personal lubricant we had on the shelves.

Student #1: “Do you think this is enough to make a slip-n-slide indoors?”

Me: “Uh…”

Student #2: “Eh, don’t worry, [Student #1]. We have until Saturday. We’ll figure it out by then.”

They came in a few times after that, but most of their purchases were perfectly normal things. I wish I had asked them if it was enough.

This Cannot End Well

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We Thought He Was A Donkey

, , , , , | Learning | April 4, 2021

Spanish Teacher: “Don Quixote is a caballero, so what is he in English?”

Student: *With complete confidence* “A horse.”

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What Happened To Miss Independent?

, , , , , | Learning | April 2, 2021

When I am a senior in college, I am a Resident Assistant on my floor. One night at one am, I get a frantic knocking on my door. One of my residents found a girl passed out in our bathroom. I go in and she is barely conscious, crying for her mom and trying to call her on her phone. I get the resident to sit with her and stay as a witness, text my coworker with the emergency phone so he can contact emergency dispatch, and try to calm the girl. She keeps sobbing, wanting her mom, and not telling me what’s going on.

I take her phone from her and help her call her mom just to get her to calm down. Her mom answers in a panic and springs into action when I tell her what’s going on on speaker, calmly talking to her daughter.

Eventually, the paramedics come and take over, and the girl is taken away.

That weekend, her mom and dad show up to check in on their daughter — I never did find out what was going on, but that’s none of my business. Her mom comes to my room to talk.

Mom: “Thank you so much for helping [Resident]. I’m glad her RA is so calm.” 

Me: “It’s what I am here for. I’m just glad she got taken care of.”

Mom: “I’ve been trying to help her more, but she just won’t let me… Could you give me your number?”

Me: “I’m sorry, what?”

Mom: “Just to keep in touch. You could check in on her once a day and text me updates or something.”

Me: “Ma’am, that is absolutely not what I am here for. It’s an invasion of privacy for your daughter, for one, and secondly, I have a responsibility to this whole area, not just your daughter.”

Mom: “But [Resident] has never been on her own and look what happened!”

Me: “She had a scare and now she is fine.”

Mom: “Well, could I at least call you once a week and force her to talk to me? She just doesn’t talk to me since her dad and I got divorced, but she wanted to come here and—”

Me: “Ma’am, I do not think I am qualified for this. My boss is at the front desk and has a degree in psychology; maybe he would be better fit for this?”

I know some parents will always overstep bounds when their child goes to college, but what on Earth did this mom think I could do with all of this?!

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Fishing For Funding

, , , | Learning | April 2, 2021

I’m walking across campus when I pass by a group of sorority sisters who seem to have spread out some DIY carnival games for a fundraiser.

Girl #1: “Hey! Do you want to play? Or, uh, donate? Please?”

Before I can respond, another one of the girls suddenly pops up from behind their table and enthusiastically presents me with a clear plastic bag with an actual fish inside it.

Girl #2: “Do you wanna win a fish?!”

Me: “What the h*** would I do with a fish?”

Girl #2: *Pauses* “Yeah, that’s fair.”

I could see that they had several goldfish all bagged up. Poor fishies. I hope they all ended up with at least somewhat responsible owners.

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