This Is TERRIFYING

, , , , , , , | Learning | December 20, 2020

We’re preparing for finals. The professor has a slideshow going.

Professor: “Right. We’re going into finals prep. And that means you’re going to have a lot of questions, and some of you are going to think, ‘Wow, I shouldn’t be asking this; [Professor] is going to think I didn’t listen at all.’ But hear me out: I was a student once, so I know you’re all not sleeping and you’re all having doubts. At this point, I’d usually say that there are no stupid questions, but I learned a very important lesson.”

He advances to a slide that just shows the title of the course and his own name.

Professor: “This class is Biology 241. Bi-o-lo-gy. Two. Four. One. My name is [Professor]. [Prooofesssoooor]. We’re taking a final exam. That’s a big test. It’s going to matter. There’s more information in your syllabus. That’s the big packet of information that tells you how the class works. It’s also on the course site. BIO. TWO. FOUR. ONE. [PROFESSOR]. And if you’re wondering how many students could have used this reminder, the answer is ‘more than none,’ and that’s all I need.”


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Reading Skills Are Mandatory

, , , , , | Learning | December 18, 2020

Student: “Professor, I looked at the syllabus; it says the final is mandatory. So, if we choose not to take it, do we just keep the score we have now?”

Professor: “I just nominated you for a writing award. I’m going to let you Google every word you just said rather than calling up the dean and telling her to burn my letter.”


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Just Play The Game And Get The Grade

, , , , , | Learning | December 16, 2020

Halfway through my sophomore year of high school, sometime around 2012, our English teacher leaves and a new teacher comes in. The new teacher upends the old teacher’s curriculum and leaves us all frazzled as a result. We also discover that she has some backward ideas of what makes a good presentation or report, so we all start failing our presentations, to our frustration. She decides to give us guidelines finally.

Teacher: “Your presentations aren’t exciting enough! They have to engage the audience. Use as many fonts as possible on the Powerpoint to keep attention. Use the fun fonts! The cursive ones!”

Student #1: “It’s tough to read some of those fonts on the projector, though. It’s a little blurry and the text comes out so small.”

Teacher:No. You’ve just lost the art of cursive! How many of you were even taught how to write in cursive?”

To her dismay, every student raises their hands and she sputters.

Teacher: “Well, you don’t use it enough! It is very legible on the projector; you just can’t do it anymore. You also don’t put enough words!”

Student #2: “I thought text on Powerpoints were supposed to be bullet points and short summaries.”

Teacher: “Absolutely not. How am I supposed to know what you’re presenting on? I want full paragraphs of every word you say on those slides. And you need more pictures. Fun pictures. Like those moving pictures!”

Student #3: “You want GIFs? On our slideshows?”

Teacher: “Yes! Lots of them! They’re fun. They catch attention! Speaking of, use more bright, bright colors for your text! You make all the text black and it’s just so boring; it doesn’t catch attention! Use the highlighter button!”

The rest of the students eventually stopped arguing with her and we all learned to make the absolute ugliest slideshows for only her class. One time, I included several slides in a row that were just low-quality, blown-up GIFs, as a joke, and she gave me extra credit for “really knowing how to be engaging!”

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The Answer Sheet’s No Good If You’re Too Stupid To Use It

, , , , , , | Learning | December 14, 2020

One day in college, the teacher stapled answer sheets to the back of every test by mistake. A few minutes after passing the tests around, his phone rings and he steps out. Everyone has noticed the answer sheet, and we decide that we will all use it and tear it off after. Hopefully, he will never notice.

I check each of the answers and they are all correct except for the last one. We are to draw a flowchart for a process.

Answer Sheet: “Answers will vary.”

I draw my flowchart, tear off the answer sheet, and walk to the front podium to turn the test in. When I get to the podium, I have to know. I need to see what everyone else drew for their flowcharts. On every single test:

Student: “Answers will vary.”


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Field Trips Are Great Opportunities For Learning!

, , , , , | Learning | December 4, 2020

The high school sports team I coach has a competition on the other side of the state, so we stay in a few rooms of a hotel the night before. Around ten at night, a few of the girls knock on my door.

Girls: “We heard some weird noises. We’re scared.”

Me: “I’ll check it out.”

We go to their hotel room, and they point me in the direction of the bathroom. Sure enough, I hear a noise through the wall, but being an adult, I know what it is, and try to figure out how to tell the very naïve girls. Most students at this school are pretty sheltered, and these girls are no exception. I decide to keep it somewhat vague.

Me: “Um, it’s nothing to be scared of. It would seem that some people find this hotel… romantic.”

Girls: *Giggling* “You mean, like, a couple’s on their honeymoon or something? Ew!”

I shrugged non-committedly and kept to myself that I only heard one person, and assuming the neighboring room’s layout was the same, the noise was coming from the direction of the bathroom.

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