Ew! Kid Germs!

, , , | Learning | January 8, 2021

I’m a first-grade teacher. Because I have to talk all day, I keep a water bottle with me. My bottle is metal and not see-through. I usually fill it with lemonade or iced tea, but any time the kids ask me what I’m drinking, I tell them it’s water so they don’t get curious and ask for a taste.

During an activity one day, I’m checking on a few of my students when I hear a boy behind me shout:

Boy: “THIS ISN’T WATER!”

I turn around, and the boy is standing by my desk, drinking from my water bottle.

Me:[Boy]! Put down my water bottle!”

Boy: “It’s not water! What is it, Miss [My Name]?”

Me: “It’s lemonade. But a better question is, why are you drinking it? You know better than to take other people’s food or drinks. It’s bad manners.”

Boy: “I was curious. It’s really good!”

Kids — gotta love them. I did give the boy a short time-out for breaking the rules and taking something that wasn’t his, and I quietly mentioned the incident to his dad when he picked the boy up after school, but ultimately, this is just one of those things that teachers learn to deal with. All I could really do was wash my bottle that night and start leaving it on a higher shelf that none of the kids can reach.

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Why The Cliche About Kids In Candy Stores Exists

, , , , , | Learning | January 6, 2021

When I’m in college, I work as a supervisor of a candy store that’s inside an amusement park. Every summer, one of the most dreaded days is what we call Camp Kid Day. We get lots of camps over the season, but on this day, the park is overrun with hundreds of kids from one particular camp where rich, entitled parents send their rich, entitled kids to be someone else’s problem for half the summer.

My candy shop has a self-serve bulk gummy display with clearly placed “no samples” signs. I am on the floor watching the hordes of camp kids to prevent shoplifting. I see one, about ten, shake a few gummies into his hand from one of the bins and put one in his mouth. Immediately, I point at him.

Me: “Hey, you can’t do that. That’s stealing. Please give me the rest.”

I hold out my hand for the gummies, but the kid doesn’t move.

Me: “Please give me the candy, so I don’t have to call security on you.”

Camp Kid: “Seriously?! It’s just candy!”

Pouting, he finally hands over the pieces, and I think that’s the end of it. After all, he’s not the first or last to try to sneak candy that day. BUT THEN, I see him talking to a camp counselor, who comes over to me.

Camp Counselor: *Condescendingly* “Did you really have to do that to him? It was just a few pieces of candy.”

Me: “I’m afraid I did. The park takes stealing very seriously, and if I’m missing too much weight of gummies at the end of the day, I get in trouble with my boss.”

This was true. I had strict variance rules to manage. The counselor just shook his head at me in disgust and walked off. I wish I’d come up with a snappier comeback about a COUNSELOR encouraging his young, rich charge to steal, but I was so shocked by it that I didn’t process what had happened until it was too late. Seriously, I could almost forgive the kid, but a counselor who was about my own age? He should have known better, and to this day, I still can’t believe this was a conversation I actually had.

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A Kid Who Likes Math?!

, , , , | Learning | December 29, 2020

Two students are sitting and drawing together, discussing what they want to be when they are older.

Student #1: “I like maths; maybe I will have a job with that.”

Student #2: “What are they called?”

Student #1: “They’re called math-a-magicians!”

Student Support Worker: “I feel that can be a good description for some accountants.”

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This Is TERRIFYING

, , , , , , , | Learning | December 20, 2020

We’re preparing for finals. The professor has a slideshow going.

Professor: “Right. We’re going into finals prep. And that means you’re going to have a lot of questions, and some of you are going to think, ‘Wow, I shouldn’t be asking this; [Professor] is going to think I didn’t listen at all.’ But hear me out: I was a student once, so I know you’re all not sleeping and you’re all having doubts. At this point, I’d usually say that there are no stupid questions, but I learned a very important lesson.”

He advances to a slide that just shows the title of the course and his own name.

Professor: “This class is Biology 241. Bi-o-lo-gy. Two. Four. One. My name is [Professor]. [Prooofesssoooor]. We’re taking a final exam. That’s a big test. It’s going to matter. There’s more information in your syllabus. That’s the big packet of information that tells you how the class works. It’s also on the course site. BIO. TWO. FOUR. ONE. [PROFESSOR]. And if you’re wondering how many students could have used this reminder, the answer is ‘more than none,’ and that’s all I need.”


This story is part of our Best Of December 2020 roundup!

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Reading Skills Are Mandatory

, , , , , | Learning | December 18, 2020

Student: “Professor, I looked at the syllabus; it says the final is mandatory. So, if we choose not to take it, do we just keep the score we have now?”

Professor: “I just nominated you for a writing award. I’m going to let you Google every word you just said rather than calling up the dean and telling her to burn my letter.”


This story is part of our Best Of December 2020 roundup!

Read the next Best Of December 2020 roundup story!

Read the Best Of December 2020 roundup!

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