This Policy Is Kwakkers

, , , , , , | Learning | January 31, 2020

I worked in a pub that mostly catered to students. A “Kwak” is a specialty beer, to be served in a special glass with a bulbous bottom. As such, it cannot stand on its own and needs a wooden frame to be hung from. 

As you can imagine, these are rather expensive and also very much loved by the students. In order to avoid the glasses disappearing like ice on a hot day, my boss required the student who ordered a Kwak to give a shoe — as they were inclined to “lose” their ID but walking home on a sock or barefoot is too big of an inconvenience… especially as it can get cold or very wet. One day, a student who was a regular, came in grinning from ear to ear and asked for his footwear behind the counter. 

The owner sighed, remarked on the fact that if anyone would leave his shoe behind, it would be [Regular] and let him keep the glass.

The shoe rule remained in place but students leaving the pub had to pass a “shoe check.”

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Snapchat: Home To The Next Mozart

, , , , , | Learning | January 30, 2020

(My friend and I are sitting in English class and are meant to be doing work. However, my friend is instead messaging someone on Snapchat on her phone. We are allowed to listen to music in this class whilst working.)

Teacher: “[Friend], what are you doing on your phone?”

Friend: “Oh, I’m just setting up my music.”

Teacher: “I saw you typing.”

Friend: “Um… I was composing?”

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Rule One: Any Joke Ever Will Offend Someone

, , , , , , | Learning | January 29, 2020

In college, I was friends with someone who did articles for our campus newsletter, and at one point, they asked me if I wanted to try and do a piece. I made one entitled “The Gay Agenda,” which was basically listing of the different lists and “agendas” that I dealt with in my day-to-day life, from a shopping list, to a club meeting schedule, to my New Year’s resolutions. It was intended as a humorous piece to highlight the similarities between straight and gay students.

It was rather sad just how many people got completely furious over it; many of them obviously never read past the title. Some people accused me of trying to “trick” them into thinking they were gay, and others called me homophobic for daring to imply that homosexual people — such as myself — had an agenda. The backlash ended up getting the post removed from the newsletter’s website, but I’d still see people ranting about it or referencing it from time to time before I graduated.

So, it seems like it did unite people, just not the way I’d hoped.

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We’re Against Standing Up, Personally

, , , , | Learning | January 29, 2020

(My student comes in with a knee brace and crutches. I ask her what happened.)

Student: “Well, I stood up… and… it all just went downhill from there.”

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Uknark, Uknark, Wherefore Art Thou Uknark?

, , , , | Learning | January 28, 2020

(We are reading a Shakespeare play in class. One of my classmates is a little bit dense.)

Teacher: “So, what time period is Shakespeare from?”

Everyone: “Elizabethan.”

Student: *completely serious* “The Stone Age.”

(The worst part is that that was the fourth Shakespeare play she had read.)

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