We Hope He’s Not Majoring In Communications

, , , , | Learning | January 25, 2021

I work as a student janitor at my college. Most of my coworkers are international students. It’s the first day of fall break and new eight-week classes start the day we come back. A group of my Serbian coworkers are moving furniture from the classrooms to clean the floor.

A man wanders onto the floor and into the classroom. I’m outside in the hallway. The man says something incomprehensible.

Serbian #1: “Sorry, again?”

Man: “What?”

He repeats what he said, still indistinct. The Serbians start discussing in Serbian. 

Serbian #2: “No, we’re in the class.”

Man: “What did you say?”

Serbian #1: “What?”

Man: “What?”

Serbian #2: “Please leave. Go.”

A moment later, the man comes out to the hallway.

Me: “Excuse me, maybe I can help you? What can I help you with?”

Man: *In a thick southern drawl* “I have a class today in that room and the guys in there are moving furniture and not speaking English!”

Me: “Classes actually start on Monday, and that’s the cleaning crew.”

Man: “Whatever. They need to learn to speak English so they can communicate with us Americans. It’s not like I can speak Russian or Polish or whatever they’re speaking.”

I don’t bother to correct him and just send him out.

Serbian #1: “What was that man doing?”

Me: “Looking for his class. His days got mixed up.”

Serbian #1: “Oh, good. I’m glad you could help him. I don’t know what he was speaking but it definitely wasn’t English!”

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Is This A Class On Existentialism?

, , , , | Learning | January 23, 2021

Our class is supposed to take a midterm exam on a Thursday. However, in order to get disability accommodations, I have to take it the day before so I have already finished it by the time Thursday rolls around. That weekend, both of our basketball teams are playing in the Final Four. There is a bomb threat on Thursday and the entire campus is on lockdown, so the exam is postponed until Tuesday.

On Monday night, the men’s basketball team wins the national championship and naturally, I am up late in jubilation, but I still show up for class the next morning since I forget the class is taking the exam I already took.

Me: “Are we going to go over the exam today?”

Professor: “No, you are going to take the exam today.”

Me: “But I already took it.”

Professor: “But nobody else has, so they need to take it before we can go over it.”

Me: “So why am I here?”

Professor: “I don’t know; I was wondering the same thing.”

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Okay, But What TIME On Friday?

, , , , , | Learning | January 21, 2021

I am a teacher at a college preparatory high school in the USA. We have returned to on-campus learning but occasionally students will need to remain home in quarantine due to the current health crisis. Our school uses Google Classroom and I do everything I can to provide support for our students. Some though, need more help than others.

I receive an email.

Email: “[Student] has added a private comment on the assignment: ‘Activity Guide due Friday, January 16.’”

I click to view the comment.

Student: “When is the project due?”

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Hpapy BRihdyat!!1

, , , , | Learning | January 17, 2021

When I turn eighteen — the UK’s legal drinking age — the very first thing I do is to run to town and start smuggling alcohol into my boarding school’s dorm.

Naturally, being a kid with no knowledge about picking alcohol and on a budget, most of the wines I buy are cheap and foul tasting. Every time I open a bottle I don’t like, I usually dispose of the contents by pouring them into batter and baking cupcakes out of them. By a happy coincidence, a whole lot of my classmates and friends have birthdays around this time, which means no shortage of baking opportunities for me. Amusingly enough, everyone agrees they like my new cupcakes more than the old ones.

But then, one of my friends wants a jelly cake for his birthday instead of a regular cake. That’s nothing I can’t handle, so I make the mixture, pour in my latest batch of horrible wine, and make a big jelly cake out of it.

The very next day, I present it to the birthday boy, who happily blows out the candles, cuts the cake, and takes a bite out of his slice.

Birthday Boy: *Suddenly freezes* “There’s alcohol in this.”

The entire room goes silent, and everyone turns to look at me. I should mention that [Birthday Boy] is a prefect, and there are no less than three other prefects in the party crowd. Also, the staff room is practically across the corridor.

Me: “No, no, no. That’s just Ribena! It’s my secret ingredient. It’s not wine or anything!”

I immediately grabbed my cake and beat a hasty retreat back to my dorm. I then proceeded to eat almost the entire cake by myself in one sitting to dispose of the evidence. It was delicious. And apparently, there was still enough alcohol in the thing that I actually felt tipsy after eating it.

Thankfully, none of them reported me. Nevertheless, I learnt my lesson.

The next time I made a jelly cake, I made sure the alcohol had been fully boiled off before pouring it into a mould.

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Ew! Kid Germs!

, , , | Learning | January 8, 2021

I’m a first-grade teacher. Because I have to talk all day, I keep a water bottle with me. My bottle is metal and not see-through. I usually fill it with lemonade or iced tea, but any time the kids ask me what I’m drinking, I tell them it’s water so they don’t get curious and ask for a taste.

During an activity one day, I’m checking on a few of my students when I hear a boy behind me shout:

Boy: “THIS ISN’T WATER!”

I turn around, and the boy is standing by my desk, drinking from my water bottle.

Me:[Boy]! Put down my water bottle!”

Boy: “It’s not water! What is it, Miss [My Name]?”

Me: “It’s lemonade. But a better question is, why are you drinking it? You know better than to take other people’s food or drinks. It’s bad manners.”

Boy: “I was curious. It’s really good!”

Kids — gotta love them. I did give the boy a short time-out for breaking the rules and taking something that wasn’t his, and I quietly mentioned the incident to his dad when he picked the boy up after school, but ultimately, this is just one of those things that teachers learn to deal with. All I could really do was wash my bottle that night and start leaving it on a higher shelf that none of the kids can reach.

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