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Quick! Someone Call Fahrenheit 911!

, , , , , | Right | CREDIT: Mammyjam | October 15, 2020

My wife and I are from Manchester, England. We’re doing a mini world-tour as part of our honeymoon. We are in Iceland and visiting a natural hot spring. The place is amazing, basically, a large pond pouring with steam, a river running next to it also pouring with steam and then a load of smaller bubbling pools of water and mini geysers that would blast water into the air every ten minutes or so.

Between the pond and the river there is a roped-off area of small, deep pools that has a sign:

Sign: “Warning water is over 90 degrees. Do not enter at your own risk.”

This is probably a bad translation of ‘no entry, we accept no liability.’

We’re leaning against the side of the pond closest to this and notice a guy wander up, read the sign then step over the rope. As he’s walking up to one of the small pools the lifeguard is running over and shouting.

Lifeguard: “Stop, stop! You can’t go in there!”

An American accent replies:

Tourist: “Whatever buddy, I paid, so I can do whatever I want.”

By this time the lifeguard has reached him and tries to explain to him.

Lifeguard: “That the water is between 90 and 110 degrees! You walked right past a do not enter sign.”

Tourist: “No, it says enter at my own risk, so I am, and it’s not very risky. It’s hotter than 90 degrees in Nevada every day!”

This utterly perplexes the lifeguard who has absolutely no idea what the h*** the American is talking about. So I shout over.

Me: “Oi, mate, it’s Celsius, not Fahrenheit!”

Now the American looks confused.

Tourist: “I don’t know what that is, I’m going in.”

For reference, 90-110c is 194-230f.

Then follows about five more minutes of arguing between the American and the lifeguard before the American has had enough and takes the two steps further to the pool, and goes to put his foot in. Fortunately for him but unfortunately for Darwinism he only manages to dip a toe before screaming in pain and hopping back to the changing room in a huff.

The lifeguard sighs and goes back to his chair.

Me: “What a f****** divvy.”

Fire(ing) At The City Pool!

, , , , , | Working | October 8, 2020

I work for a city pool and the majority of the staff is very professional. However, there are the odd few that try and fail. We have just hired a bunch of people, and there is this one guy who can’t seem to get his schedule right. He is supposed to start guarding at five so the staff can switch over and swimming lessons can start. More than once, he is late, causing delays and confusion. My boss even offers to switch his shift if he can’t make it on time. He always maintains that he can do it but is eventually given a warning.

One day, the phone rings two hours before his shift starts.

Me: “Thank you for calling [Pool]. This is [My Name]; how may I help you?”

Coworker: “Hi, [My Name], it’s [Coworker]. What time does my shift start again?”

I sigh internally because it has been the same start time for months.

Me: “Hi, [Coworker], 5:00 pm is when you’re scheduled to start.”

Coworker: “Oh, not 5:30?”

Me: “No, 5:00 pm.”

Coworker: “Okay, so, my lab for school is running until 5:30. I’m calling because I see you’re done at 5:00. Would you be able to stay until 5:30 for me?”

Me: “Normally, I would. However, if you look closer at the schedule, you’ll see I’m instructing at 5:15, so I can’t stay later.”

Coworker: “Oh, really? What about [Coworker #1]? Could they stay?”

Me: “He is also instructing at 5:15.”

Coworker: “Ohhh, what about [Coworker #2]?”

Me: “Again, if you look at the schedule, you will see that we are all instructing.”

Coworker: “Oh, okay, okay. Do you know of anyone I can call who would come in until I get there?”

Me: *Pause* “Sorry, you want to call someone to come in for a half-hour?”

Coworker: “Yeah. Someone will, right?”

Me: “Uh… no, I can’t think of anyone that would do that.”

Coworker: “Oh, well, you don’t start teaching until 5:15 right? Could you guard until then, and I’ll see if I can leave my lab fifteen minutes early?”

Me: “Uh, yeah, I can do that, but fifteen minutes early would be 5:15. That doesn’t give you a lot of time to get down here.”

Coworker: *Thinking for a moment* “You know what, never mind. It’ll be fine. I’ll be there for 5:00.”

Me: “Okay, are you sure?”

Coworker: “Yeah, I’ll work it out.”

Me: “Okay, so we’ll see you at 5:00?”

Coworker: “Yep.”

I wasn’t convinced, so I called my boss to let him know what happened and to be prepared. Sure enough, the coworker then called my boss to let me know he wouldn’t be there until 5:30. It wasn’t until 5:45 that he finally showed up, and my boss told him that he was fired.

Arya Confused?

, , , | Working | October 7, 2020

I work at a pool as a lifeguard and I have a pretty unique name. It’s not really crazy or weird but unique enough I’m the only one with that name on staff. Recently, my name has become popular and a lot of parents are now naming their children my name. This leads to some confusing moments, but the best involves a girl in diving camp who shares my name. She rarely listens, so they call after her a lot, but this moment took the cake. For the sake of this story, we’ll pretend my name is Arya. 

The girl in question has just wandered off from her group and has walked past me while I’m guarding. I notice her but I assume she has to go to the bathroom. Because I haven’t seen her before, I don’t realize she has the same name as me. When the instructor — my coworker — notices she is gone, he looks up and sees her. 

Coworker: “ARYA!”

Because he has to look in my direction when he’s calling out to her, I think he’s talking to me. 

Me: “Yes?”

Coworker: “ARYA!”

Me: “Yeah, what’s up?” 

Coworker: “ARYA!” 

Me: “Yes, [Coworker]?”

Coworker: “ARYA!”

Me: “WHAT?”

Coworker: “ARYA!”


That’s when my coworker realizes I’ve been yelling back to him and starts laughing.

Coworker: “No, not you. Her: the other Arya. She can’t leave yet.”

I then realize what’s been happening and call out after the girl.


Time To Get Splashy

, , , , , , , | Working | September 28, 2020

Our subdivision has a clubhouse with a pool that we pay for out of our HOA fees. The clubhouse is staffed during the open hours with some very nice people. Lately, though, we have had a large turnover in staff. We also have several entitled people in our neighborhood who seem to think that because they are older they can determine when and where children are allowed.

I have my in-laws visiting. My kids, ages seventeen and fifteen, take their cousins, ages fifteen and thirteen, up to the pool so my sister-in-law and I can sit and discuss some family business.

Less than twenty minutes later, they come back in. I ask why they came back so soon. They inform me that they were told to leave by the woman in charge of the clubhouse. Apparently, there were some older people at the pool who like to sit there in the afternoons and read by the poolside and the kids were disturbing them. 

I immediately go up to the clubhouse with the kids in tow, as well as my sister-in-law who loves to watch me go off on people.

Me: “Hello, [New Employee], we haven’t met yet. I am [My Name]. I know you are new here so I am sorry I haven’t had the chance to welcome you; however, my kids came home and said you chased them off from the pool. Were they misbehaving?”

New Employee: “Oh, no, no, not at all. You see, they were splashing around in the pool and bothering the couple sitting out there who come up here in the afternoon to sit by the pool and read.”

Me: “Oh, okay. I see. When will I be getting a refund on my HOA fees, then? Shall we call your supervisor and have them cut a check or will you be paying cash… now, please.”

New Employee: *Taken somewhat aback* “I… I’m sorry. I don’t understand.”

Me: “Well, I pay the same amount of fees as they do — in the hundreds of dollars — and therefore, I have the same rights as they do, and by proxy, so do my kids. Therefore, since you are denying me use of the products and services I pay for, for no good reason other than that someone else doesn’t want us to, you owe me a refund.”

She is speechless.

I turn to the kids and tell them to go get in the pool, and then I turn back to her.

Me: “Listen. I get it. They have no doubt been driving you crazy with their entitled ‘I’m better than you’ attitude. They think they can come up here to a community pool and sit leisurely by the pool without being disturbed. If that is the case, they can go build their own pool in their own backyard. Until then, they have no right to deny my family their right to use the pool that I pay a great deal for every month. Are we clear?”

She meekly nodded. I didn’t want to be too mean because I know she was being fussed at by the couple that I’ve had to deal with before, but I wasn’t putting up with it. I came to find out that my family wasn’t the only one whose kids were being chased off by this couple.

The supervisor called and apologized, and after that, they sent a statement to all the neighborhood reminding them that EVERYONE has an equal right to enjoy the pool, regardless of age. We have had no trouble at the pool since.

I don’t know if they still go up there and read. Frankly, I don’t care.

This story is part of our Best Of September 2020 roundup!

Read the next story in the Best Of September 2020 roundup!

Read the Best Of September 2020 roundup!

Making A Boob Of One Self, Part 9

, , , | Right | September 17, 2020

At the end of my fifteen-minute lifeguarding rotation, I look over and see a woman changing her daughter’s full diaper on deck. I start to walk over but my coworker gets there first. I can’t hear the conversation but I can see that the woman yells at him and he walks away. This family gave me and my coworker trouble earlier in the day, as well.

Break starts and I walk back into the guard room. This woman walks up to the counter, looking angry.

Lady: “Is breastfeeding illegal, too?”

Me: “No, ma’am, in [Our State] public breastfeeding is not illegal.”

Lady: “Then why am I being told I cannot feed my child? I demand your name, your coworker’s name, and your manager’s name. I am suing you!”

Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am, but the issue here isn’t breastfeeding. I believe we told you to not change your daughter on deck due to sanitation issues. We have a changing table available in the restroom for you to use.”

The lady continues screaming about suing us and continues to demand my name and my manager’s name, as well as her phone number.

Coworker: “We cannot legally disclose the name of our employees or our manager’s personal information. Here’s a rule sheet if you would like to look over the rules.”

We call our manager, who comes back to the pool and deals with the lady and her family. They finally leave.

Manager: *Angrily* “Who told her it was illegal to breastfeed?”

My coworker and I look at each other in confusion.

Me: “No one said that.” 

I proceeded to explain the whole situation. My manager apologized for yelling, and the lady was banned.

Making A Boob Of One Self, Part 8
Making A Boob Of One Self, Part 7
Making A Boob Of One Self, Part 6
Making A Boob Of One Self, Part 5
Making A Boob Of One Self, Part 4