Needs To Shoulder His Love For You

| TX, USA | Romantic | June 21, 2015

(My boyfriend and I are in the swimming pool at his place. Neither of us can swim. I’m 5ft tall and he’s 6ft. We are waddling around in the 3-4ft zone when he wants me to go to the 5ft zone with him. I am holding on to one of his shoulders and we are talking and laughing. Then all of a sudden, he decides to duck down in the water. I get a mouthful of chlorine water and some goes down my throat. We both choke and cough like crazy.)

Me: “What the h*** did you do that for!?”

Boyfriend: “I forgot you were on me and my shoulders were getting cold.”

Got To Face The Facebook Facts

| OR, USA | Working | May 26, 2015

(I work as a supervisor at a pool for the past few years. Most of the lifeguards and instructors are under 18 since the pool is attached to the local high school. Because the pool is so small, supervisors also guard on some shifts with the only other staff person in the building being the lifeguard. This happens with one of the 16-year-old boys we’d hired earlier that summer, so he has no idea I am 23. I am left on the stand for over 45 minutes.)

Me: “Where the h*** have you been? You were supposed to be here half an hour ago!”

Coworker: “I lost track of time.”

Me: “Were you doing something important?”

Coworker: *doesn’t answer*

(After getting off the stand, I check the office to see what he’s been doing. The little idiot had stayed logged into his Facebook, and I find out he’s been sexting with his girlfriend. I maximize the screen to show I know when I go to switch with him. Moments after we switch, this happens:)

Coworker: *spitting profanities at me*

Me: “Woah, there are about 20 children in the pool. Watch the language.”

Coworker: “That was an invasion of privacy!”

Me: “What, you leaving your Facebook logged in?”

Coworker: “Yes!”

Me: “You do realize using social media sites at work is against the rules, right? We’re on the school’s network. Also, what are you talking about? You signed a form saying you would do nothing like that.”

Coworker: “You’re not my boss!”

Me: “Actually, right now, I am. [Boss] is on vacation, so I’m in charge until she gets back.”

Coworker: “You’re just a teenager like me! You have no authority over me!”

Me: “I have seven years on you. I want you off the premises. I’ve already called a replacement for you and covered all your shifts until [Boss] is back.”

(He tried to push me in the pool before sprinting out. The moron tried to show up for his shifts that I was supervising, and when our boss returned he was fired. It gets better: he was expelled for using the school’s computers for “illicit activities.” Then his girlfriend dumped him. Then his mother made him come and apologize!)

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Never Bothered With The Cold Anyway

| Canada | Learning | May 25, 2015

(I’m covering for another instructor’s class. One of the little girls is obsessed with Frozen.)

Me: “Hi, everyone. My name is Anna, and I’ll be teaching you today!”

Student: “You’re Anna? Then I’ll be Elsa! I’m going to be a princess today, and I’ll have icy powers!”

(We start climbing into the pool. It’s fairly cold, which is unusual.)

Student: “I’m making the pool warmer with my icy powers!” *makes swishing gestures with her hands*

Me: “Are you getting rid of the cold water and making ice?”

Student: “No!”

Me: “Are you making the pool into an ice cube to warm it up?”

Student: “Yes!”

(The parents on deck were very amused.)

Swimming To A Fault

| UK | Right | April 14, 2015

Me: “Hello!”

Customer: “Three juniors for swimming, please.”

Me: “Okay.”

(We have a strict policy at our pool that children under eight have to be accompanied by an adult. I can see that one of the children is under eight.)

Me: “And is it just the children going swimming?”

Customer: “Yes, I can’t go; I am ill.”

Me: “Okay, how old are they?”

Customer: *obviously Grandpa* “They are seven, twelve and thirteen.”

Me: “I am sorry, sir, but I cannot allow the seven-year-old in the pool without an adult over the age of 16.”

Customer: *shouting* “Tell me where is says that!”

(I point to the BIG poster on the wall.)

Customer: *walking away he shouts back* “YOU ARE SUPPOSED TO BE A HOLIDAY RESORT!” *he then says to the youngest child* “That woman wouldn’t let you in!”

Me: “I am sorry that being on holiday seems to you that you can abandon all safety for you grandchildren. Please feel free to go outside, chuck them in the sea, and see how that goes. But that will probably be somebody else’s fault, too!”

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All Grown Up But Not Grown Up

| CA, USA | Related | January 6, 2015

(My sister and I are in our 30s, and have just met our cousin’s five-year-old daughter for the first time. We’re all in our aunt and uncle’s (her grandparents’) pool.)

Little Cousin: “I can’t touch the bottom here!”

Sister: “Neither can I. I’m short.”

Little Cousin: “Yeah, but we’ll grow and then we can touch like [My Name].”

(I’m four inches taller than my sister and standing still.)

Sister: “You’ll keep growing, but I’m all done.”

Little Cousin: “No, you’re not!”

Sister: “Yes, I am; I finished growing a long time ago.”

Little Cousin: *with air of dawning realization* “Wait, are you a GROWN-UP?!”

Sister: “…”

Me: *ducks underwater to stop laughing*

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