I work at a motel in Las Vegas. I have some variation of this conversation at least once a week.

Guest: “I’d like to rent a room.”

Me: “I’m sorry, but we’re sold out tonight.”

Guest: “I need a room.”

Me: “I understand, but we don’t have any rooms available.”

Guest: “No, you don’t understand. I need a room right now.”

Me: “Sir, there is already a guest inside every single room in this motel. Since all of those rooms contain people, I am unable to give one of them to you.”

He stares at me for a moment.

Guest: “Well… what the h*** is someone doing in my room?!”

Several years ago (okay, probably twenty or so), my husband and I flew from New York to Las Vegas for the first time. We’re both retired, and it was a really long, tiring trip, especially since it was the first time either of us had been on an airplane. Also, a long bus ride from the airport to the casino/hotel.

We were far from the only ones checking in, and the line was very long. As we stood in that long line, we must have looked weary because one of the hotel employees approached us and asked:

Hotel Employee: “Are you VIP guests?”

Bear in mind, we were both blue-collar workers, and I’m sure we looked it. We laughed and said:

Me: “No, we’re not.”

Hotel Employee: “Well, you are today!”

He then escorted us to the VIP check-in, where we were the only guests, and we were checked in and in our room within ten minutes! 

Such a simple act of kindness for no apparent reason still makes me smile all these years later.

My friend got sucked into what amounted to a multi-level marketing scheme after being misled about it by someone. In his defence, he realized what was happening and got out of it quickly, so he didn’t lose too much money. He’s open to jokes about it now.

Me: “You’ll be able to afford [thing he wanted] after that [MLM] take off. It offers exponential growth, you know!”

Friend: “Hey, don’t mock me. I was right about the exponential growth. I just didn’t realize the exponent was less than one.”

EDITOR’S NOTE: We know the math terminology isn’t technically correct, but we kept the original wording to preserve the joke.

I’m at one of those 24/7 restaurants in a big strip casino in Vegas. It is in the early hours of the morning. 

The staff and crew here are all very professional and provide world-class level service, but even they have their limits, as evidenced by my seeing the chef come out from the back, walking up to the table with a steaming bowl.

Chef: “Are you the customer who ordered the paella without rice?”

Customer: *Oblivious.* “That’s right!”

The chef places the bowl down on their table, hard.

Chef: “Well then, here’s your bowl of random bull-s***.”

I was holding back the laughter, partially at the interaction, but mostly because the customer seemed completely happy with their weird order, and as they started eating it, said to their late-night dining partner:

Customer: “Did you see that? The chef brought it out himself! We must be getting special treatment!”

I used to work in a smoke shop. We were cash only, but we had an ATM. A customer is about to pay and produces a credit card.

Me: *Pointing to the sign.* “Cash only, please.”

Customer: “I have cash in my account.”

Me: “You can use the ATM there to withdraw.”

Customer: “The what?”

Me: *Pointing to the ATM.* “The ATM.”

Customer: “What’s an… ateeyem?”

Me: “A, T, M. It stands for an automatic teller machine.”

Customer: “What’s that got to do with me getting my smokes?”

Me: “You can use it to withdraw cash.”

The confused look on her face meant I had to explain the basic concept of an ATM to this grown woman.

Me: “It would be better if you had a debit card instead of a credit card.”

Customer: “A what?”

She didn’t know what a debit card was, so I had to explain that one, too. She opens her wallet and dumps a scary number of cards on to the counter.

Me: “That one looks like a debit card.”

Customer: “This one? I never used it before.”

She hands it to me.

Me: “Uh, you need to use that in the ATM.”

She walks over to the ATM and just stares at it. I explain how to put in her card.

Customer: “Now what?”

Me: “You put in your PIN.”

Customer: “What’s that?”

Me: “You can’t remember your PIN?”

Customer: “What is a PIN?”

Me: “Your number you enter into the ATM to get your cash out.”

Customer: “What’s my number?”

Me: “Ma’am, I’m sorry, but are you being serious?”

Customer: “Are you being serious?! I just want my smokes!”

Me: “What you need is an education on how bank accounts work.”

Customer: “If you’re going to insist on customers using cash, then you should be trained on how to do all this…” *Points at the ATM.* “…computer stuff for them! Figure it out!”

She storms out. I Googled it. The first ATM was introduced in the US in 1969, so she’s had almost sixty years to figure it out.