(My older brother decides we are going to watch a movie one afternoon, and my mom shouts down the hall to invite my younger brother.)
Mom: “We’re getting ready to watch a Star Trek movie, if you want to join.”
Younger Brother: “Which one?”
Me: *walking past his room* “The one where The Doctor takes the One Ring to the planet Hoth because Professor Xavier told him to.”
Younger Brother: “Which one is that? Can’t you give me the title, instead?”
(It’s about 3:00 pm on a busy Saturday at the grocery store where I work. We have every check stand open and there is a line at each of them. A woman and her child, maybe around two or three, are at my register and I’ve got a line of four people behind her.)
Customer: “Oh, by the way, can I get a balloon for her? She loves coming here since the last checker gave her a balloon!”
(We don’t usually give out balloons; they are decorations that sit on top of our display cases for sales, new products, etc.)
Me: “Oh, sorry, but we are unable to give out balloons right now.” *looks at the little girl* “But I can give you some stickers! Do you want to pick some out?” *hands her our sheet of stickers*
Woman: “UGH, no.” *snatches the stickers from her daughter who just looks confused* “The last time they gave us a balloon! If she leaves here without one, she will be disappointed!”
Me: “I’m sorry, but I cannot give out balloons right now.”
(To give her a balloon would require me to leave my check stand with a line, get a ladder, and climb to the top of the closest soda display and take one down. I’m not going to make everyone else wait because she wants a balloon.)
Customer: *talks to her daughter, ignores me* “Guess we will just need to shop at [Competitor] from here on out, since they give you balloons there!”
(She shoots me a dirty look.)
Me: *holding eye contact* “Yeah, maybe you should do that. Sounds like it would be for the best.”
(I work as a cashier for a store that employs about 20 to 25 people, depending on the season. Our store has recently hired a few new people, one of whom is working a part of my shift. Our store allows cashiers to keep food and drink at their registers as long as it remains out of sight. I usually bring a water bottle with me, but today I’ve filled it with cranberry juice instead of water, making it look dark red instead of clear. I go behind the main counter, set my bottle down, and talk with the new hire, my manager, and one of my regular coworkers. I’m known around my store for having a quirky, slightly dark sense of humor.)
Coworker: *points to bottle* “What’s in here?”
Me: *deadpan and without thinking* “The blood of my enemies.”
(My manager, coworker, and the new hire start laughing.)
New Hire: “I like you.”
(Thankfully, most of the staff has worked with me long enough to appreciate my odd sense of humor. The new girl will fit in just fine.)
A few years ago, I went to a large software conference. One of the vendors invited about 50 of us to go to a local fast food restaurant. In order to expedite things, they gave us each a $10 gift card — a typical meal here would be $6-$8. While we were outside waiting for the rest of the group, a panhandler approached us and asked for money for food.
My coworker and I said we’d be happy to give him the remainder on the gift cards after we ordered. A couple of other people in our line overheard me and offered the same.
Pretty soon, the word had made it through every person in line. As we all handed the gift cards to the guy, he was literally dancing, saying he didn’t have to worry about food for the rest of the week.
(My wife works in a hotel and she relayed this story to me.)
Wife: “Bell department, [Wife] speaking. How may I assist you?”
Customer: “We lost our luggage ticket but need you to bring our bags up.”
Wife: “That’s not a problem, ma’am. Please describe the bags, and tell me how many you have?”
Customer: “Yeah, it was two big black bags. Get them and bring them up right away!”
Wife: “All right, ma’am, I will start looking for those right away, and as soon as we find them a bellman will bring them up.”
Customer: “Hurry up.” *click*
(She looks through the dozens of racks for a grouping of two black bags, then checks the name. This is a big hotel and there are hundreds, if not thousands of bags. After looking through the entire downstairs area for about ten minutes, she calls to get help to look in the upstairs area; she has no luck there, either.)
Wife: *calling the guest back* “I apologize, ma’am, but we were not able to locate two black bags under your name. Could you possibly tell me anything else about them?”
Customer: “For crying out loud, do I have to come down there myself? It’s two black bags; how hard could it be?”
Wife: “Ma’am, this hotel has thousands of rooms; I literally have hundreds of black bags down here from our guests. I just need a bit more to go on. Any luck finding the ticket?”
Customer: “No. Fine, it was two black bags, a grey bag, and a blue suitcase. Sheesh. Why is this so hard?”
Wife: *gritting her teeth and wanting to strangle guest through the phone* “Oh, so it was four bags: two black, one grey bag, and a blue suitcase. As soon as we locate them, the bellman will be up to your room. Give us about ten minutes.”
Customer: “I don’t have all day.” *click*
Wife: *head-desk*
