I’m working at the cash register when two men enter the store. One of the men wants to return a pair of faulty shoes, while his friend waits by his side.

Me: “All right, guys. Let me call my manager down and we’ll get this started for you.”

I call my manager down, since they have to verify the return. I’ve only worked at the store for nine months, so I don’t have the authority to run anything through on my own.

Me: “Okay, it’ll just be a second. We have to call the managers down to start this.”

Customer: “That’s fine.”

Me: *Jokingly* “I can’t do it because I’m not awesome enough to be a manager.”

Customer’s Friend: *Very serious* “Why would you say that?”

Me: *Laughing* “It’s fine, believe me. I’m okay.”

Customers’ Friend: “You shouldn’t say that about yourself.”

My manager arrives and clears them for an exchange. They wander through the store for a bit and then come back to the registers to complete the transaction with my manager. I happen to finish with another customer at the same time. I turn around to watch the store for anyone needing help.

Customer’s Friend: “Hey!”

I turn to face him.

Me: “Yes?”

Customer’s Friend: “Don’t you do it. Don’t you say anything bad about yourself.”

I try to placate him.

Me: “All right. I am awesome, then.”

Customer’s Friend: “I have a friend who does that all the time. I get so angry at him. You should never self-defecate yourself.”

I blink for a second in shocked hilarity.

Me: “I won’t, sir, I promise.”

It took me a second to decipher what he meant from what he actually said. After he left the store, I couldn’t think of a more appropriate response than embarrassed laughter.

(I work graveyard at (name of hotel) and am busy preparing envelopes for the next day’s guests when…)

Guest: Yep, it’s true.

Me: I’m… sorry?

Guest: I don’t know which way is up.

(He then points at the up escalator and goes upstairs O__o)

I work at a small animal hospital that offers limited boarding and grooming services. Our main focus is on healthcare. Because we are a small practice with many of our employees working in dual departments for coverage, we have rules for when we can provide certain services.

For example, if you want “grooming,” we require animals to make appointments a couple of days ahead and they have to be dropped off in the morning. This way we can make sure we have someone who can give the dog a bath with enough time to dry and be brushed out. We make exceptions for small, short-haired dogs like Chihuahuas.

It is 2:30 pm.

Client: “I would like to bring my pet in for a bath.”

Me: “Okay, let me pull up your account. What is your last name and your pets’ name, and when would you like to bring your pet in?”

Client: “I am [Client] and I would like to bring her in this afternoon if that’s okay.”

On the account I see that the pet is a long-haired, hundred-pound shepherd mix who is also aggressive.

Me: “Unfortunately, ma’am, we do not do grooming services in the afternoon since we don’t have the time nor the staff available.”

Client: “Really? But I really need to get her in. We are getting new carpet put in today so I need her to be clean.”

Me: “I am sorry, ma’am, but we can’t do a bath on a double-coated dog this late in the day.”

Client: “Can’t you just ask [Doctor]? She knows me.”

I go to the doctor who is also the owner of the practice and fill her in. Originally, she says no but when I inform the client, she presses again. I go back to the doctor and she agrees but with conditions.

Me: “Okay, [Doctor] says it is okay if you bring [Pet] in now. You can expect her to be done right before we close at 5:30. We cannot promise that we will be able to brush her out completely but we will do the best we can. Please try to be in the clinic no later than 5:15 to pick her up.”

The client shows up thirty minutes later and the technician who really should be helping the doctors gets started on giving the pet a bath. At 4:15 pm:

Client: “Hi. I just want to know if my pet is ready for pick up.”

Me: “No, she is still pretty wet. It takes a long time for double-coated dogs to dry.”

Client: “Can you give me a time when she will be ready?”

Me: “She probably won’t be ready until right before we close at 5:30.”

Client: “She won’t be ready sooner? I need to plan out the rest of the night; I don’t want to have to wait around for her to be ready.”

Me: “Ma’am, we are doing the best we can to get her back to you. Like I said, double-coated dogs take a long time to dry. Then, we have to brush her really good because if we don’t you will have little puffs of white hair everywhere. The bath and the dryer loosen up the undercoat. You don’t want to have dog hair all over your new carpet, do you?”

Client: “We aren’t getting carpet put in today; we are just getting our house measured for new carpet.”

Me: *Frustrated pause* “You can pick your pet up at 5:15.”

My mom is a registered nurse, currently out of employment because the rural town we live in is too far away from any good jobs and the privately-owned hospital has a poor reputation for how it treats its employees.

We hear a loud crash outside our house.

There is a motorcyclist shouting incoherently on the road in front of the house, unable to get up as he’s pinned under his bike.

Mom rushes outside while shouting at me to get the medical bin we keep in case of emergencies.

Mom: “Okay, okay, don’t move. I’m going to lift the bike off of you.”

Motorcyclist: “Just do it!”

He’s screaming and in a lot of pain. Note that he’s not wearing a helmet or any kind of protective gear.

Mom pulls the bike off him, pulling it to the side of the road as a crowd of neighbors who had been too scared to act forms.

Mom: “All right, I’m going to check you for injuries and call an ambulance.”

Motorcyclist: “No ambulance! Just call my daughter!”

Mom does just that, getting her number from the man and asking a nearby neighbor to call, and he does.

I bring out the bin, taking off the lid and handing various items to my mom as she asks for them.

In the end, the man broke some ribs and his clavicle. He was very rude to my mom, who was only trying to help, and we’re pretty sure he was intoxicated. He came back a couple of weeks later to apologize and thank her. We learned that if my mom hadn’t acted so quickly, he could have had permanent damage done to his person.

I love my job, but I’m pretty sure a demon is trying to haunt me through it. When I went in for my interview, I ran into two traffic jams; luckily, my interviewer laughed it off as funny with me.

Then, I almost got run into by a customer going the wrong way in the parking lot and dinged my own car trying to avoid her.

Then, I suddenly developed an allergy and started hacking my lungs out while my throat was closing up.

I’m going to start looking up banishing techniques on the weekend.