Tabled That Discussion For A Few Hours

, , , , , | Right | December 8, 2017

(My husband, brother-in-law, and I enter a busy restaurant at around 1:00 in the afternoon. There are perhaps a half-dozen people standing in the lobby between us and the hostess station. As we approach, we overhear the exhausted-looking hostess telling a group of customers that their wait will be around two hours. Incredulous, my brother-in-law makes his way up to the desk to ask if the wait will be equally as long for our party of three. He returns to my husband and me, shaking his head and chuckling.)

Brother-in-Law: “We’ll have a table in a minute. Their wait is so long because they just requested tables for forty.”

Well, The Pope Is Cooler These Days…

, , , , | Friendly | November 29, 2017

(My dad’s acquaintance is relating this story to me about her friend in the airport. The acquaintance’s friend was trying to text her to let her know about his arrival.)

What the Text Is Supposed To Say: “Hey, I’m here in the parking lot at the airport.”

What The Text Actually Says: “Hey, I’m here with the Pope in the parking lot smoking pot.”

Flu Right Past The Diagnosis

, , , | Healthy | November 20, 2017

(I am in so much pain that I have a friend drive me to the ER. Note: I commonly have stomach problems and this pain is certainly NOT in my stomach. I get seen fairly quickly and given pain medicine but am still in some pain in spite of it.)

Doctor: “Did you recently have the flu?”

Me: “Yes, but this isn’t the flu.”

Doctor: “Yes, it is; it is causing you more pain because you’ve gotten it two times in a row. The pain is in your colon.”

Me: “I’ve had issues like that before. This is not it. Digestive pain does not happen on one side. Check your tests again.”

(The doctor leaves. I continue to experience pain and walk around to try to relieve it as sitting down seems to make it worse. Finally a nurse comes and tells me they are taking me to get an ultrasound.)

Me: “So what happened? Did he finally believe me?”

Nurse: “Yes, your pee sample came back and you had blood in it. You probably have a kidney stone.”

(Guess what was confirmed by the ultrasound? Never have I wanted to punch a doctor so badly. The flu indeed!)

I’m More Of A Spooning Person Myself

, , , , , | Working | November 13, 2017

(It’s around lunchtime at my workplace, and I walk around the corner and find a coworker coming in the other direction, carrying her empty lunch container and a fork. Since I nearly run into her, she laughs and brandishes the fork at me.)

Coworker: “Haha, I’m gonna fork you!”

(She went off still laughing, with apparently no idea of what that sounded like.)

Unfiltered Story #97888

, | Unfiltered | October 16, 2017

(I have dyscalculia. I think I’m doing a pretty good job dealing with money, though, until one day, I get a handful of cheap items and end up with forty dollars on my screen.)

Me: *flags down attendant* This doesn’t look right.

Attendant: …Well, I have a calculator. *pulls it out and adds it up again*

Me: …I have dyscalculia. Sorry about that.

Attendant: Don’t worry about it. Have a great day!

(At least he was nice about it!)

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