(I am working at a fancy vet office close to the rich part of town, so most of our clients are more willing to do what is necessary for their pets regardless of cost. An older couple brings their senior small breed in for teeth cleaning.

The vet assistant is responsible for going over admissions paperwork that includes optional services and a section that would allow the doctor to do teeth extractions without calling the owner first. We include this option because many times, we cannot get a hold of the owner to ask permission. after the client has been placed in a room I enter ready to go over paperwork.)

Me: “Good morning! I have some paperwork to go over with you really quick, and then we can take [Pet] back and get him started with his procedure.”

(The woman starts to fill out the form while I’m going over what each section is. When I get to the part about optional services that, of course, cost extra, i.e. nail trims, more in-depth blood work, etc. She throws the pen down and starts yelling at me.)

Woman: “Don’t you dare try to sell me something!”

Me: “I am sorry, I was just going over the form; these are additional services you can add on if you’d like but you don’t have to.”

(She just stares at me sternly, so I move on to the part of the form that allows the doctor to do extractions.)

Me: “Okay, do you allow the doctor to do what is necessary as far as extractions go or would you prefer—”

Woman: “I told you not to sell me anything. I don’t want to hear it! If the doctor wants me to do something she can tell me herself!”

Me: “Okay, would you—”

(I was going to say, “Would you like me to get the doctor?”)

Woman: “I DON’T WANT TO HEAR IT!”

Me: “Fine.”

(I leave the room and go get her doctor and tell her that she needs to go into the room and finish the check-in, because I will not be talked to like that again. The doctor knows who the couple is.)

Doctor: “Oh, yeah, they can be weird like that.”

(Apparently, after the doctor went in, they were all smiles and agreed to let the doctor do whatever she needed to.)

(I work at a popular retailer that made the decision to open an hour later back in February, it is now May)
Customer: (while staring right at the time sign and pulling on the locked door) What time do you open?
Me: We open at 11 today ma’am.
Customer:(while still trying the locked doors) Are you sure?
Me: Pretty sure.

Growing up, I managed to name most of the cats my family owned, for one reason or another. My favorite by far, though, had to be my brother’s cat.

When we were going through the process of naming her, we managed to narrow our options down to two choices: Socks, my brother’s suggestion, and Feet, mine. Both were in reference to her white paws, as compared to her grey body.

To keep my brother and me from arguing about it, my dad had us agree to sleep on it. That night, the household awoke to my brother screaming and cursing in his room. The reason? His cat had apparently peed on his feet while he was sleeping.

I, being the five-year-old I was, told him that she decided her name for us. I wasn’t exactly wrong.

(We’re at a small local restaurant eating dinner. My grandparents have just finished their appetizer of shrimp gazpacho, a soup traditionally served cold. My grandmother raves about the soup and calls the waitress over.)

Waitress: “Yes, ma’am?”

Grandmother: “I just loved that soup! How often do you serve that shrimp gestapo?”

(Being a history major, I practically drop my fork and burst out laughing.)

Waitress: “You mean gazpacho?”

Grandmother: *realizes her error* “YES! GAZPACHO!”

(I work security in a gated community. As roving patrol, I do write speeding tickets. I witness a woman driving 40 in a 15 mph zone, almost hitting a lady pushing a stroller, and ticket her. She comes to the clubhouse to speak to me.)

Resident: “Are you, uhh… [My Name]?”

Me: “Yes.”

Resident: “This ticket is bulls***, and you writing it is a b**** move. I wasn’t going 40; my speedo said 24!”

Me: “So, by admission, you were still speeding.”

Resident: “No, f*** you. You guys can’t even fix half the problems we have around here and you’re off pulling this BS. You can take this ticket and shove it.”

Me: *smiling and polite* “Okay, see you later! Also, this conversation will be noted.”

Resident: “Yeah, whatever. They won’t do anything anyway.”

(The ticket and the notes were passed on to the security chief and COO of the association. The lady was fined $316. Basically, her dues doubled that month for the homeowners’ association.)