I had a crush on my coworker many, MANY years ago. It turned out he had a crush on me, too! We tried to coordinate our lunches together so we could sit in his car and have some privacy. As we were leaving for lunch one day, a regular customer approached us. He was part of a special needs program that went on “field trips” to get real-life experiences. 

Regular: “Hi, [My Name]!”

Coworker: “She’s on lunch.”

Regular: “Oh. I just wanted to say hello.”

Me: “Hello, [Regular]. I have to go, but you have a nice day!”

My coworker grabbed me by the arm and pulled me out of the store and around the corner.

Me: “What the h*** are you doing?”

Coworker: “You don’t have to talk to the customers when they’re not paying you.”

Me: “No, but I don’t have to ignore them, either.”

Coworker: *After a pause* “I don’t like that he hits on you.”

Me: “You grabbed my arm, and you’re bothered that he said hello.”

Coworker: “Well—”

Me: “Don’t touch me again. Don’t even speak to me again.”

I went back inside and sat at the [Fast Food Chain] inside the store. [Regular] sat with me, telling me about a game he’d invented.

[Coworker] didn’t speak to me again, but he did start a rumor that I was sleeping with [Regular] and using him to steal from the store. Human Resources was very interested and did a full investigation. When it came up empty, [Coworker] was the victim of budget cuts. Tragic.

I’ve lived in the same town all my life, in the same house, which I inherited from my parents when they died when I was twenty-four. I always shop at the same grocery store — the same one my parents were bringing me to when I was knee-high to a bee. You could say I’m a creature of habit. I’ve worked in the same local government office ever since I got my degree, in the same department, gradually moving up the ranks over time.

The point is, I was friends with all the workers and all the managers in the store (and still am). So, seventeen years ago (I was twenty-six back then) when they got a new employee, of course, I noticed immediately.

“Vicki” was tall, brunette, and supremely voluptuous, and she had beautiful brown eyes. I instantly crushed on her, but I was too shy and tongue-tied to say anything. So, I asked the manager for a moment of his time, and after we went into his office, I suggested that he tell Vicki that one of the customers thought she was gorgeous but to not say it was me.

For the next several months, I quietly admired her from afar, but I couldn’t so much as make myself go down an aisle she was working in. That might mean I would have to speak to her, and I knew I’d turn into a mess.

One day, right as it was going to be my turn to check out, the cashier behind the register needed his break. And Vicki was the one who filled in for him. I’m sure my face turned red. I tried to speak, just to make the usual small talk, but my vocal cords seemed frozen in place. I turned into a catastrophic mess, as anticipated.

The next time I was there, as I was walking from the car to the store, Vicki was pushing carts. She ambushed me as I was about halfway across the parking lot.

Vicki: “When I first started, my manager said the oddest thing. One of the customers was crushing on me, but he didn’t say who. Is it you?”

I stared at the ground, wanting it to open and swallow me up, and managed to croak out:

Me: “Yes.”

Vicki and I have been married for ten years now. She’s even more voluptuously beautiful than she was then, and I’m still shy and tongue-tied around her.

Back when I was fourteen and my sister was nineteen, she took me to the community pool. I was just learning how to handle my womanly cycles, so I wasn’t really comfortable getting in the water during that time. Still, when I saw my crush, I had to say hello. I sat beside him at the water’s edge. We talked for a few minutes when a woman, who turned out to be his mom, came up.

Mom: “Hi, who are you?”

Me: “Oh, I’m [My Name]. Nice to—”

Mom: “Oh, do you go to school with [Crush]?”

Me: “Yeah, we have English together.”

Mom: “Why don’t you get in the water, [My Name]?”

Me: “Ahh, I’m not in the mood to swim.”

Mom: “Oh, but it’s the pool! Everyone swims!”

Me: “No, I’m okay.”

Crush: “I’m gonna get a soda.”

Me: “Oh, me, too!”

I stood up and almost immediately ended up in the water. When I resurfaced, I saw [Crush] and his mom at the edge of the pool.

[Crush] laughed as I grabbed onto the side of the pool.

Me: “What just happened?”

Crush: “She pushed you! You should see your face.”

My sister came over.

Sister: “[My Name], I thought you weren’t swimming today?”

Me: “I was pushed.”

Sister: “What the f***? Who pushed you?”

Mom: “I didn’t hurt her. She—”

My sister shoved [Mom] in the water and pulled me out. [Mom] resurfaced, sputtering.

Mom: “What is wrong with you?!”

Sister: “Oh, you didn’t want to go in the water? It didn’t matter when [My Name] didn’t want to go in.”

[Mom] went to a lifeguard and complained about being pushed in against her will. My sister told the lifeguard that she only did it because [Mom] pushed me first. We were all banned from the pool for the rest of the summer. That was the moment I realized what an a** my crush was and lost interest in him.

(I am talking to a guy from the UK. We have a bit of a crush on each other but have never really acted on it due to the distance. One night, we are on Skype talking about how I’m a hopeless romantic and he’s just hopeless at romance.)

Crush: “I don’t know why you say I’m so bad; I always know exactly what to say.”

Me: “You really don’t. Girls like to be complimented and told other nice things.”

Crush: “So, what? I should start spewing Shakespeare or some crap?”

Me: “At this point, it wouldn’t hurt.” 

(He proceeds to launch into actual Shakespeare, quoting Hamlet’s letter to Ophelia, all while looking at me with the sweetest look and speaking sweetly. Anyone that knows me would know that this is a pretty good way to woo me.)

Me: “Wow. That was actually beautiful. I didn’t know you could quote Shakespeare.”

Crush: “Aw, yeah, b****es love Shakespeare.”

Me: “Wow, way to ruin the moment.”

Crush: “Wait, we were having a moment? I want a moment!”

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(My best friend has a huge crush on me, and I have one on him, though neither of us realize it at this time. Although his English is very good, he’s not a native speaker, and there are some words he’s understandably never encountered before. We’re both fans of old video games, so we’re checking out some old ATARI games at my house. We’ve loaded up E.T., having never actually played it before. There are no instructions, but apparently one of the core mechanics is that E.T. can “fly” by lifting his head. I’m watching the game being played.)

Friend: *having difficulty getting E.T. out of a pit* “ARGH! He’s not necking anymore!”

(I lost it and had to explain to my very confused friend what “necking” was and why E.T. wasn’t doing it. Thankfully, it didn’t stop him from officially asking me out a few days later.)