Back when I was fourteen and my sister was nineteen, she took me to the community pool. I was just learning how to handle my womanly cycles, so I wasn’t really comfortable getting in the water during that time. Still, when I saw my crush, I had to say hello. I sat beside him at the water’s edge. We talked for a few minutes when a woman, who turned out to be his mom, came up.

Mom: “Hi, who are you?”

Me: “Oh, I’m [My Name]. Nice to—”

Mom: “Oh, do you go to school with [Crush]?”

Me: “Yeah, we have English together.”

Mom: “Why don’t you get in the water, [My Name]?”

Me: “Ahh, I’m not in the mood to swim.”

Mom: “Oh, but it’s the pool! Everyone swims!”

Me: “No, I’m okay.”

Crush: “I’m gonna get a soda.”

Me: “Oh, me, too!”

I stood up and almost immediately ended up in the water. When I resurfaced, I saw [Crush] and his mom at the edge of the pool.

[Crush] laughed as I grabbed onto the side of the pool.

Me: “What just happened?”

Crush: “She pushed you! You should see your face.”

My sister came over.

Sister: “[My Name], I thought you weren’t swimming today?”

Me: “I was pushed.”

Sister: “What the f***? Who pushed you?”

Mom: “I didn’t hurt her. She—”

My sister shoved [Mom] in the water and pulled me out. [Mom] resurfaced, sputtering.

Mom: “What is wrong with you?!”

Sister: “Oh, you didn’t want to go in the water? It didn’t matter when [My Name] didn’t want to go in.”

[Mom] went to a lifeguard and complained about being pushed in against her will. My sister told the lifeguard that she only did it because [Mom] pushed me first. We were all banned from the pool for the rest of the summer. That was the moment I realized what an a** my crush was and lost interest in him.

(I am talking to a guy from the UK. We have a bit of a crush on each other but have never really acted on it due to the distance. One night, we are on Skype talking about how I’m a hopeless romantic and he’s just hopeless at romance.)

Crush: “I don’t know why you say I’m so bad; I always know exactly what to say.”

Me: “You really don’t. Girls like to be complimented and told other nice things.”

Crush: “So, what? I should start spewing Shakespeare or some crap?”

Me: “At this point, it wouldn’t hurt.” 

(He proceeds to launch into actual Shakespeare, quoting Hamlet’s letter to Ophelia, all while looking at me with the sweetest look and speaking sweetly. Anyone that knows me would know that this is a pretty good way to woo me.)

Me: “Wow. That was actually beautiful. I didn’t know you could quote Shakespeare.”

Crush: “Aw, yeah, b****es love Shakespeare.”

Me: “Wow, way to ruin the moment.”

Crush: “Wait, we were having a moment? I want a moment!”

This story is part of the Shakespeare roundup!

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(My best friend has a huge crush on me, and I have one on him, though neither of us realize it at this time. Although his English is very good, he’s not a native speaker, and there are some words he’s understandably never encountered before. We’re both fans of old video games, so we’re checking out some old ATARI games at my house. We’ve loaded up E.T., having never actually played it before. There are no instructions, but apparently one of the core mechanics is that E.T. can “fly” by lifting his head. I’m watching the game being played.)

Friend: *having difficulty getting E.T. out of a pit* “ARGH! He’s not necking anymore!”

(I lost it and had to explain to my very confused friend what “necking” was and why E.T. wasn’t doing it. Thankfully, it didn’t stop him from officially asking me out a few days later.)

I am in seventh grade, and a new boy has started at our school. He is just adorable, with silky, blond hair and big blue eyes.

Of course I, like all the other girls, fall in love.

One day, while classes are in session, this boy and I both happen to have a hall pass to run some errand or other. I am on the third floor, headed down, he on the second, headed up.

So I think… I’ll make an impression; we can chat for a bit. I whip off my glasses (which I had just started wearing over the summer), and sashay down to meet my love.

And miss a step.

And fall down the rest of the stairs, ending right at his feet. Horrified, he asks if I am okay, and I CAN NOT SPEAK. I am dying of embarrassment.

After he figured out I was okay, we parted, but I literally did not, could not, speak to him for six months.

(I am at work and I see two girls from my college I know as acquaintances, but not as much more than that. I have a crush on one of them as she is really pretty and seems nice for the most part. I watch as she and her friend approach the register.)

My Crush: “No, you’re wrong! I’m telling you, he never said that!”

(I assume they are gossiping about something until I listen a little more to the conversation.)

Her Friend: “No, he did! He totally did! We watched it last night, stupid!”

My Crush: “Obi-Wan never says, ‘I love you, Anakin.’ The line is ‘You were my brother, Anakin. I loved you.’!”

Her Friend: “No!”

My Crush: *turns to me* “Oh, hey, [My Name]! What’s up?”

Me: “Not much. I’m good. And you’re right; Obi-Wan’s line was ‘You were my brother, Anakin. I loved you.’”

My Crush: “Oh, my God, thank you!” *turns to her friend* “And you call yourself a Star Wars fan.”

(Her friend scowls, but they pay and say goodbye. I watch as they get to the automatic doors. Her friend pretends to use ‘The Force’ on them. Suddenly, my crush jumps in front of her.)

My Crush: “YOU SHALL NOT PASS!”

(I walked over and asked her out. We got married a month ago.)

This story is part of our Star Wars roundup!

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