The Owner’s Bark Is Worse Than The Pet’s Bite

, , , , | Right | March 30, 2020

(I am working at a fancy vet office close to the rich part of town, so most of our clients are more willing to do what is necessary for their pets regardless of cost. An older couple brings their senior small breed in for teeth cleaning.

The vet assistant is responsible for going over admissions paperwork that includes optional services and a section that would allow the doctor to do teeth extractions without calling the owner first. We include this option because many times, we cannot get a hold of the owner to ask permission. after the client has been placed in a room I enter ready to go over paperwork.)

Me: “Good morning! I have some paperwork to go over with you really quick, and then we can take [Pet] back and get him started with his procedure.”

(The woman starts to fill out the form while I’m going over what each section is. When I get to the part about optional services that, of course, cost extra, i.e. nail trims, more in-depth blood work, etc. She throws the pen down and starts yelling at me.)

Woman: “Don’t you dare try to sell me something!”

Me: “I am sorry, I was just going over the form; these are additional services you can add on if you’d like but you don’t have to.”

(She just stares at me sternly, so I move on to the part of the form that allows the doctor to do extractions.)

Me: “Okay, do you allow the doctor to do what is necessary as far as extractions go or would you prefer—”

Woman: “I told you not to sell me anything. I don’t want to hear it! If the doctor wants me to do something she can tell me herself!”

Me: “Okay, would you—”

(I was going to say, “Would you like me to get the doctor?”)

Woman: “I DON’T WANT TO HEAR IT!”

Me: “Fine.”

(I leave the room and go get her doctor and tell her that she needs to go into the room and finish the check-in, because I will not be talked to like that again. The doctor knows who the couple is.)

Doctor: “Oh, yeah, they can be weird like that.”

(Apparently, after the doctor went in, they were all smiles and agreed to let the doctor do whatever she needed to.)

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The Agony Of De-Feet

, , , , , , | Related | March 16, 2020

Growing up, I managed to name most of the cats my family owned, for one reason or another. My favorite by far, though, had to be my brother’s cat.

When we were going through the process of naming her, we managed to narrow our options down to two choices: Socks, my brother’s suggestion, and Feet, mine. Both were in reference to her white paws, as compared to her grey body.

To keep my brother and me from arguing about it, my dad had us agree to sleep on it. That night, the household awoke to my brother screaming and cursing in his room. The reason? His cat had apparently peed on his feet while he was sleeping.

I, being the five-year-old I was, told him that she decided her name for us. I wasn’t exactly wrong.

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Resident Evil

, , , , | Right | March 4, 2020

(I work security in a gated community. As roving patrol, I do write speeding tickets. I witness a woman driving 40 in a 15 mph zone, almost hitting a lady pushing a stroller, and ticket her. She comes to the clubhouse to speak to me.)

Resident: “Are you, uhh… [My Name]?”

Me: “Yes.”

Resident: “This ticket is bulls***, and you writing it is a b**** move. I wasn’t going 40; my speedo said 24!”

Me: “So, by admission, you were still speeding.”

Resident: “No, f*** you. You guys can’t even fix half the problems we have around here and you’re off pulling this BS. You can take this ticket and shove it.”

Me: *smiling and polite* “Okay, see you later! Also, this conversation will be noted.”

Resident: “Yeah, whatever. They won’t do anything anyway.”

(The ticket and the notes were passed on to the security chief and COO of the association. The lady was fined $316. Basically, her dues doubled that month for the homeowners’ association.)

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Your Fortune: Humiliation

, , , , , , | Right | February 15, 2020

My husband and I were walking down the Las Vegas Strip. We were coming back from a show that was much farther from our hotel than we’d expected, so my feet were killing me and I was completely exhausted. I was just concentrating on putting one blistered foot in front of the other and getting back to the hotel so I could collapse.

The Vegas Strip is home to all sorts of fun and strange discoveries, and outside a shop, we spotted a Zoltar fortune-telling machine that looked like it had come straight out of the movie Big. We stopped to admire it for a moment, and I stepped forward to get a closer look.

The machine suddenly burst into life, moving dramatically and speaking loudly. I emitted some sort of strangled scream, jumped about a foot, and, in my exhausted and startled state, implored the machine, “PLEASE DON’T!”

My husband about fell over laughing at my reaction. When he had almost regained his composure, he noticed a pair of strangers that had passed us. The strangers were also laughing their heads off at me, which my husband was kind enough to point out to me.

Now that I’m far, far away from that stupid machine, I can laugh about the incident, too. And “Please don’t!” has become our reaction any time an object behaves in an unexpected way.

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That Is Not Her Custom

, , , , | Right | February 6, 2020

(I help a lady ship something internationally. We have a global shipping reference guide to what paperwork needs to go with what items to which countries. She is shipping to a country where only the shipping information is required for documents. For any other item, you have to fill out a commercial invoice, even if it’s not a commercial product. The woman is shipping a dog DNA test so she can adopt a dog from this country. I ask what that consists of and she says it is only documents, and it fits in our standard 12-by-9 envelope so I believe her. She pays around 100 dollars because she wants next-day delivery to another country. This incident occurs the next day.)

Me: “Hi, ma’am, how may I help you?”

(I don’t immediately recognize her because yesterday she was pleasant and today she looks ANGRY.)

Customer: “I WANT MY PACKAGE BACK, AND I WANT MY $100 BACK!”

(My manager is helping someone a few feet away from me as it’s a small store so she, along with everyone else, hears the customer.)

Manager: “[My Name], please help this customer; I’ll help her.” *to the irate customer* “How can I help you, ma’am?”

Customer: “I WANT MY MONEY AND I WANT MY PACKAGE!”

Manager: “Okay, when did you give us your package?”

Customer: “Yesterday.”

Manager: “We don’t have your package any longer; every day our packages get picked up by drivers so they can be delivered to where they need to go. May I ask why you need your package?”

Customer: “THEY’RE NOT SENDING MY PACKAGE! THEY SAY I NEED AN INVOICE AND NOBODY TOLD ME THAT! I NEED THAT PACKAGE TO BE THERE TODAY!”

Manager: “Let me call the station.”

(The manager calls and has a short discussion with a manager at the station and then puts her on hold.)

Manager: “Okay, it seems like all you need is to fill out a commercial invoice. You can fill it out right now and I’ll fax it to her and it will be on its way.”

Customer: “NO! I SHOULDN’T HAVE TO FILL THAT OUT. I’M NOT SELLING ANYTHING! NO ONE TOLD ME I HAD TO FILL IT OUT!”

Manager: “[My Name], can you speak with the station manager on the phone, please?”

Me: *picks up the phone* “This is [My Name].”

Station Manager: “So, it says here that it’s only documents.”

Me: *recognizes the customer by this point* “That is what she told me, and the SRG states that if it’s only documents, it doesn’t need a commercial invoice. In fact, that was the only thing for [Country] that doesn’t require a commercial invoice.”

Station Manager: “If that’s what she told you, you did nothing wrong. However, she lied. I have the package in my hand and I clearly feel swabs. If these are clean, we just need a commercial invoice, but if they are used samples, that’s a whole different story. I just wanted to make sure we’re in the clear. You can go back to work.”

(My manager takes the phone and backs up my story, because she helped me out with that lady yesterday.)

Manager: “All right, ma’am, so we have a few options here. You can either go down to the station and pick up your package, or you can call the 800-number and request that it be sent back here and you can pick it up tomorrow. Unfortunately, we cannot give you back cash as this occurred yesterday and we’ve already given the bank drop. There’s no way to refund cash if it’s not the same day. You’ll get a check in the mail in six to eight weeks.”

Customer: “YOU F****** HAVE GOT TO BE KIDDING ME! GIVE ME MY F****** MONEY AND GIVE ME MY F****** PACKAGE!”

Manager: “I’m sorry, ma’am, but neither your money nor your package is here. You’ll get your check in six to eight weeks and, as I said, you can pick up your package right now or have it delivered here tomorrow and pick it up then.” 

Customer: “THIS IS F****** RIDICULOUS! I’M GOING TO GO TO THE POST OFFICE! I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU F****** B****** WON’T JUST GIVE ME MY STUFF! I NEED THAT PACKAGE TO BE DELIVERED TODAY!”

Manager: “Well, you still have the option to fill out a commercial invoice right here. I’ll fax it over as soon as you complete it, they’ll attach it, and it will leave today.”

Customer: “NO! I SHOULDN’T HAVE TO DO THAT!”

Manager: “That’s actually a requirement of customs, not of [Company I work for].”

Customer: “NO! I’M GOING TO SHIP WITH THE POST OFFICE! WHERE IS MY PACKAGE?!”

Manager: “It’s at [address of facility]. Have a nice day.”

(The best part of this whole thing is that the post office will also require a commercial invoice because, as my manager said, it’s a customs requirement and not my company’s. Plus, they don’t have next-day international shipping. I would have given my paycheck to see her face when the post office asked her to fill it out.)

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