(I’m on medical leave from work for a while, so I have time to answer all those scam phone calls I usually ignore. Once I get through the recording, unless it sounds like a legitimate business, I like to have a little fun with the scammers.)

Me: *in a fake Russian accent* “Yes, hallo! You are calling me about my car?”

Scammer: “Yes, do you know that your car’s warranty has expired, sir? It is very important to have a good warranty on your car, sir, in case anything breaks.”

Me: “You are saying something is broken in my car?”

Scammer: “Not broken, sir. Expired. Your warranty has expired.”

Me: “Oh. Uh… maybe you can help me understand. I am not knowing too much about cars. What is this ‘warranty’ device? Is part of engine, or what?”

Scammer: “No, it’s not part of your car, sir, it’s… It’s a service that protects your car. It can cover damage from breakdowns or bad weather.”

Me: “Ah, yes! Understand! But I am not thinking I need warranty to cover my car. I already have garage. Is good enough, I think, yeah?”

Scammer: *click*

(I work for a clothing company and take orders over the phone. This happens with almost every order I place.)

Me: “Your total, including shipping and tax, comes to [amount].”

Customer: “What?! But the merchandise was only [smaller amount]! What is the extra charge for?!”

Me: “That would be the shipping and tax.”

Related:
A Very Taxing Explanation, Part 2
A Very Taxing Explanation

(I’m the stupid customer in this story. The way the transit in my state is set up, it’s nearly impossible to make a round trip on it with one bus ticket. Unfortunately, I haven’t brought enough money for a second ticket when my first one runs out. Out of desperation, I go into a nearby grocery store to get money out of my bank account.)

Me: “Excuse me. Does your ATM have a charge to use it?”

Employee: “Yes, it’s about $2.00.”

Me: “I’m fifty cents short on bus fare.”

Employee: *smiles* “How about we do cash back, instead?”

(Relieved, I go through the process of getting cash back from my debit card. When it comes time to get my cash back, I hit “no cash back” because I’m on autopilot.)

Employee: “Uh… Did you hit cash back?”

Me: *pause* “Oh, s***.”

(We did it again, and the second time I made sure to hit cash back. Thank you to the grocery store employee who was kind and patient enough to help me!)

I have severe motor skill impediments, which includes an inability to lift parts of my hands independently. In gym class, there are two teachers; one is hated as she is extremely strict, rude, and generally not nice.

We are playing soccer out on the field, and the opposing team is a group of bullies who are well-known for accusing people of things they didn’t do. My team has just scored a goal, and the bullies, who dislike me a lot, run up to the teacher, claiming that I flipped them off. The teacher, who also dislikes me due to my lack of athletic ability, immediately yells at me, while I try to explain to her what really happened.

She sends me to the discipline secretary, who is a notoriously cranky woman who loves her job and hates kids. Upon hearing what the teacher said, she writes a referral, and tells me to sign it.

I stubbornly refuse to sign it, as I have done nothing wrong.

They call my dad in, and, when they had explain the “situation” to him, he tells me to do something any student would love to do: flip the teacher off. I do so, or try to; due to my motor skill problems, I cannot lift my middle finger by itself. Upon seeing this, the principal decides that I am telling the truth.

The bullies get detention for lying to the principal. After a full investigation, which includes several union reps, the teacher is reprimanded, and fired the next year. Turns out that this is not her first lying incident to cover for her favorite students.

(I go to a store in the mall to buy shoes. I know exactly what I’m looking for and buying. I grab the shoe I’m purchasing and walk up to the counter to get my size.)

Me: “Hello, can I get this in [my size], please?”

Employee: “Sure! Will that be all for today?”

Me: “Yep, that’s it! Thank you.”

(There is another customer lurking near the counter, looking relatively confused. She walks up to the employee who is helping me, who hasn’t had the chance to go and get the shoes I’m purchasing.)

Customer: “I would like to speak with your manager, please.”

Employee: “I actually am the manager; how can I help you?”

Customer: “I would like you to know that I have been standing here for twenty minutes, and not a single employee has come forward to ask me if I need any help.”

Employee: “I apologize for the inconvenience. Let me go get her shoes and I will be right out to help you.”

Customer: *getting angry* “You know what? Forget about it. Obviously you are looking at the people who you can get the most money out of; you are looking for a specific ‘type’ of person. I will have you know that I have more money than anyone else in this store, and you have just lost my business! I have more money that you could make in your entire life!”

Employee: “I apologize for the inconvenience, ma’am.”

(I hand off my shoes to another employee.)

Employee #2: *ringing up my purchase* “I apologize for that; it doesn’t happen often.”

Me: “That’s all right. I’ve dealt with a lot worse, since I work in food service!”

Related:
If The Shoe Fits…, Part 9
If The Shoe Fits…, Part 8
If The Shoe Fits…, Part 7
If The Shoe Fits…, Part 6
If The Shoe Fits…, Part 5