She Looked So Cute In Her Motherboard & Castle

, , , , | Working | June 15, 2012

(I’m making small talk with the hygienist before he starts cleaning my teeth.)

Me: “So, what did you do for Memorial Day?”

Hygienist: “Oh, my daughter graduated preschool posthumously. It was really fun.”

Me: *horrified* “What?! I think you mean a different word. ‘Posthumously’ means ‘after death’.”

Hygienist: “Oh! Yeah, nobody died.”

Me: “Thank God! I was about to start consoling you!”


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Zombies Need Retail Assistance Too

, , , , , | Right | May 24, 2011

Me: “Hello. How are you doing today?”

Customer: “I’m alive.”

Me: “That’s good. Find everything okay today?”

Customer: “Yeah. Because if I wasn’t alive, I’d be dead. Or a zombie.”

Me: “I guess you would.”

Customer: “Do you like zombies?”

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Pressing All The Wrong Buttons, Part 2

, , , , , | Right | May 21, 2011

Me: “Thank you for calling [Bank] credit card services. Can I have your name, please?”

Caller: “You need to turn my d*** speakerphone on before I can talk, so I can hear you across the room!”

Me: “I’m sorry, sir, I can’t turn your speakerphone on for you. You have to do that yourself.”

Caller: “All the other f****** banks can turn it on for me! What do you mean you can’t?!”

Me: “Sir, nobody has the ability to turn on your speakerphone for you, except for you.”

Caller: “Well, why the h*** not?!”

Me: “Sir, I can’t reach through the phone and push the speakerphone button for you. It’s physically impossible. You have to do it yourself.”

Caller: “What the h*** do you mean you won’t push the button for me?! Are you saying you’re not going to come push my buttons?! Where the h*** are you located?!

Me: “Central Oklahoma, sir. You have to push your own buttons.”

*long silence*

Me: “Anything else I can help you with, sir?”

Caller: “You’re too far to push my buttons anyways.” *hangs up*


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Ben There, Done That

, , | Right | April 19, 2011

Customer: “Hello?”

Me: “Hello, ma’am. My name is Ben. I’m calling to tell you about our special offer that–”

Customer: “Who is this?”

Me: “Ben, ma’am.”

Customer: “Ben? Hey, everyone, Ben is on the phone. Ben, are you still having dinner with us tonight?”

Me: “I think you mean a different Ben, ma’am. I’m a telemarketer.”

Customer: “So you’re not in California?”

Me: “No, ma’am. I’m in Oklahoma.”

Customer: “Well, okay. I’ve got to keep the line clear for the right Ben.”

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When Intelligence Is Tempered

, , | Right | March 22, 2011

(I am talking to a customer about vaccines for dogs.)

Me: “The normal shots we give annually are distemper, parvo, rabies, and bordatella.”

Customer: “Okay. I wanted to be sure the distemper shot was part of it. My dog needs that.”

Me: “Okay. Would you like me to make an appointment for you?”

Customer: “Sure. Now, how long after the distemper shot will it take effect?”

Me: “What do you mean, take effect?”

Customer: “How long until my dog is nicer?”


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