The phone rings on a busy afternoon, and I answer with my usual script.

Me: “Thank you for calling the clinic, this is [My Name]. How can I help you today?”

Patient: “Hi… I’m feeling really sick. Nauseous, super thirsty, and my breathing feels weird.”

Her symptoms are setting off alarm bells, so I pull up her chart while I keep her talking.

Me: “Okay, I’m going to take a look at your file. Do you have any medical conditions I should know about? Diabetes, anything like that?”

Patient: “Nope, none.”

That’s… not what I’m seeing on my screen.

Me: “Alright, I’m just looking here, and I see you were prescribed metformin recently. Can you tell me about that?”

Patient: “Oh yeah, I had diabetes. But I took the medicine already.”

I pause, waiting for the rest of that sentence. None comes.

Me: “You… had diabetes?”

Patient: “Yeah, the doctor gave me a month of metformin, so I took it. I felt better after, so I figured it fixed it.”

Me: “Just to clarify, are you still taking the metformin?”

Patient: “No, I finished it. They gave me like, a month.”

There’s a long pause while my brain reboots.

Me: “Diabetes isn’t like an infection. The medication manages it; it doesn’t cure it.”

Patient: “Wait… so you’re saying it didn’t go away?”

Me: “I’m saying it very much did not go away, and based on your symptoms, you need to go to the ER right now.”

Patient: “Oh. Wow. But when they gave me something for my strep throat, it went away, and so I stopped taking it.”

Me: “Diabetes is not strep throat.”

Patient: “So, how much longer do I need to take the medication?”

Me: “How about we get you into the ER first, and you can ask the doctor all those questions?”

Patient: “Ugh… fine.”

Related:
What A Diabeetus, Part 14
What A Diabeetus, Part 13
What A Diabeetus, Part 12
What A Diabeetus, Part 11
What A Diabeetus, Part 10

About forty years ago, when I was a new doctor, I met a patient, a new mother.

Mother: “My baby has a skin condition all over her butt.”

Me: “Indeed, there is some kind of rash on her buttocks.”

I proceed to ask a series of standard questions, and then we get to diaper procedures.

Me: “Can you show me how you change her diaper?”

Mother: “Yeah, I do it just like in the ads.”

Me: “The ads?”

The mother then starts to change the diaper.

Mother: “Can I get a glass of water?”

I get her one, thinking she’s thirsty, but nope. She then pours the water into the diaper before fitting the diaper on the baby.

Mother: “See, just like the ads!”

Related:
H2-D’oh!, Part 14
H2-D’oh!, Part 13
H2-D’oh!, Part 12
H2-D’oh!, Part 11
H2-D’oh!, Part 10

CORRECTION: A typo has been fixed.

CONTENT WARNING: Child endangerment

My mother-in-law is visiting after the birth of my first baby. Against our wishes and against the doctor’s instructions, she decides to give him a bottle filled with whole milk and banana cereal. 

This is old-school stuff. Something our parents did decades ago, but not recommended until a baby is at least four to six months old.

Since we told her not to do it, she hides the bottle under the couch, so I won’t find it… and keeps feeding him with this dirty bottle.

About a week later, I noticed white patches all over the inside of my baby’s mouth and cheeks. I take him to the doctor.

Doctor: “It’s thrush; bacterial infection from a dirty bottle.”

I go home and absolutely freak out. I confront her.

Me: “He has thrush from the bottle. The doctor said it’s from bacteria.”

She waves it off like it’s nothing.

Mother-In-Law: “Oh, all my kids had thrush. Just scrape it off the inside of his cheeks with a Brillo pad.”

WHAT?!

Note to self: never leave my children alone with her. NEVER.

I’m working at the nurse’s station in a hospital ward. I overhear another nurse talking to one of the doctors.

Nurse: “[Doctor], the pharmacy is calling about a prescription for [Patient] filled out by you that they think has suspicious handwriting.”

Doctor: “I’ve been practicing writing neatly and cleanly!”

Nurse: “That’s what’s so suspicious about it.”

This was about ten years ago, when I was getting my driver’s license. I already passed the theoretical (written) test and have finalized an appointment with my driving instructor and the examiner for my actual driving exam, and paid for it up front. I have been repeatedly told that if I cancel the appointment less than twenty-four hours in advance, I will not get a refund on my examination fee – several hundred Euros!

The day before my driving exam, I came into work (retail) and saw that the schedule had been changed so that, despite requesting the next day off, I am suddenly scheduled to work the day of my exam, while my boss (the store manager) has taken the day off herself. I immediately seek her out. 

Note that I’m still in vocational training and quite young. My boss is only a few years older than I am, so she sometimes feels like she needs to go on a bit of a power trip to remind everyone of the hierarchy at work.

Me: “Boss, I’m sorry, but the new schedule doesn’t work for me. I requested tomorrow off for my driving exam, and it was approved weeks ago.”

Boss: “Well, I wasn’t told. You need to let me know these things in advance. I have plans with my boyfriend tomorrow that I can’t cancel.”

Me: “I can’t cancel my exam on such short notice either. I’ll be out several hundred bucks if I do!”

Boss: “Well, you can’t go. Figure something out.”

Me: “But the only excuse for me to cancel at this point would be with a doctor’s note.”

Boss: “See? It’s that simple. Get one of those, and then you can come into work.”

Me: “Um… I’m not sure that’s even legal. I won’t be insured if I come into work when I have a doctor’s note.”

Boss: “It’s not like anything ever happens here; you’ll be fine.”

I decide to drop it and do, in fact, get up super early the next morning so I can just walk into my doctor’s office before all the appointments start. I explain to him exactly what is going on and that I’m not actually sick, but my boss is making me do this so I won’t lose the bigger part of my trainee wage (which is FAR below minimum wage, I might add).

Doctor: “Okay, I get where you’re coming from. And while I don’t approve of the method, you’re in a real s***ty situation due to no fault of your own, so I will make an exception this one time. Here’s your doctor’s note for today, so you don’t lose money on that driving test your boss doesn’t want you to take. But I also don’t want you to go into work, got it? If your boss gives you s*** about it, tell her to call me, or you can call your HR and tell them to call me. I’ve got you covered.”

So, I call into work (and the driving exam) sick and spend the entire day quietly panicking about my boss’ reaction. 

When I get back to work the next day, she is seething, but subdued. Turns out she had to cancel her plans with her boyfriend and cover for me. But she can’t fault me or write me up for it because then she’d have to explain herself to HR, and that would get HER into trouble more than me – HR really doesn’t like hearing that a store manager forces people to come into work despite having a doctor’s notice, I’m told.

My boss never talked to me about it again, and the next time I requested a day off for my new driving exam appointment, it was quietly approved, and no changes to the schedule happened the entire week.

CORRECTION: A swear word has been censored.