How To Be A Total As(thma)

, , , , , | Working | December 7, 2017

(I am five years old at this time. I have had trouble breathing, and so my mom takes me to the ER. Note that she is a nurse.)

Doctor #1: “What seems to be the problem?”

Mom: “She can’t breathe, and some of her symptoms are matching up to asthma.”

(The doctor examines me.)

Mom: “What is it?”

Doctor #1: “She’s fine. You can just take her home.”

Mom: “What? No! Look at her. Do you think she’s fine? I’m a nurse, and I can tell that this is asthma.”

Doctor #1: “Ma’am, I am part of the board of Asthma Awareness. She is fine.”

Mom: “No, she is not. If you will not listen to me, then I demand to see another doctor.”

Doctor #1: “Ugh. Fine.”

(My mom overhears this:)

Doctor #1: “[Doctor #2] We have one of THOSE moms in there. Just patiently listen to her and send her away.”

Doctor #2: *walks in and looks at me* “Oh my gosh! She needs to go to the ICU.”

(I went to the ICU. I made a full recovery, and my asthma was well controlled after I was diagnosed.)

An Answer That Isn’t Cheating

| Indianapolis, IN, USA | Right | July 24, 2015

(I am at the first appointment with my new family practitioner when he asks me one of those awkward questions that you don’t expect and don’t have any idea how to answer… except you don’t want to outright lie to your doctor. So, I say the first thing that pops into my head…)

Doctor: “Have you been sexually active within the last six months?”

Me: “Uh… not with anyone else?”

Two For The Price Of One

| Buffalo, NY, USA | Related | July 2, 2015

(My mother, sister, husband and I are at the doctor’s office for my first ultrasound after finding out that I am pregnant with my first pregnancy. The doctor places ultrasound transducer on abdomen.)

Me: “Why does my uterus look like it’s split in two?”

Doctor: “Because there are two babies in there.”

Me: *laughing, shocked*

Mom: *shocked* “Oh, my god…”

Sister: “I KNEW IT!!”

Husband: “Well, at least we’ll save on hospital bills!”

(Not even an hour later it was all over Facebook before my husband and I could tell anyone! Thanks, Mom!)

Broken Hearted

| Eugene, OR, USA | Working | August 29, 2014

(My baby brother has a heart condition that makes his heart sound strange, but is otherwise healthy. My mother and I are at the doctor’s for a regular check-up, and a medical student is there to examine him.)

Medical Student: “All right, let’s check his heartbeat.”

(He pulls out a stethoscope and starts moving it around on my brother’s chest, but when he finds his heart the medical student stops moving and turns white.)

Mom: “What’s happening? Is he all right?”

Medical Student: *very slowly* “Oh, no, we’re fine…”

Mom: “Oh, he has a weird sounding heart, but he’s healthy.”

Medical Student: “Oh, thank god! I didn’t know what to do!”

Metric Can Be A Tall Order And Weighty Issue

| Gainesville, VA, USA | Working | June 12, 2014

(My wife is applying to a graduate school overseas. She has to have a medical form done over the spring. It asks for weight and height in kilograms and meters, but the doctor missed that and filled the form in for pounds and feet. She returns to the doctor’s office to get this and some other details corrected or explained by someone at the reception desk, but is intercepted by someone else at the doctor’s office, probably a supervisor.)

Supervisor: *condescendingly* “Can I help you, Mrs. [Wife]?”

Wife: “Yes, I was taking a look at this form, and it looks like the doctor made a mistake.”

Supervisor: *takes the sheet* “How so?”

Wife: “Well, she’s listed my weight as 145 kilograms, which I’m clearly not. I’m probably 145 pounds, not kilograms.”

Supervisor: “Listen, dear. I don’t know what to tell you. The scale doesn’t lie: That’s your weight.”

(For those not exactly privy to Imperial/Metric conversion, 145 kilograms is about 320 pounds.)

Wife: “Excuse me?”

Supervisor: “The doctor put 145 there. I’m sure she knows what she’s doing.”

Wife: “And I’m sure it’s a mistake. Can I talk to the doctor?”

Supervisor: “She’s not available at this time.”

Wife: “And what about my height?”

Supervisor: “What about it?”

Wife: “I’m five-and-three-quarters meters tall?”

(Again, my non-metric friends, that’s nearly nineteen feet tall.)

Supervisor: “I have no idea.”

Wife: “So, will you have someone fix it?”

Supervisor: “That’s what the doctor put down!”

Wife: “And the doctor’s not available?”

Supervisor: “Correct. Goodbye, Mrs. [Wife]!”

Wife: “Wait, but… err, nevermind.”

(Eventually, my wife decided to mail in the form with ‘kg’ and ‘m’ crossed out, replaced by ‘lbs’ and ‘ft,’ respectively. Our fingers are still crossed that the school understands that some people don’t understand metric.)

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